4:
I've been sleepwalking ever since I was little. My parents took me to see our family doctor and he claimed that my condition was brought upon by extreme stress. He said that by finding things to reduce my stress, the sleepwalking would not happen every night. My father decided that I was too young to have extreme stress, so he assumed my condition was a sign I was being possessed by the devil. Whenever my sleepwalking got really bad, he would send me to church camp to expel the evil. I'm not really sure why he thought making bird houses could cure a possession.
As I got older, the episodes of sleepwalking lessened. There would still come a time once in a while where I would be dreaming vividly and I would wake up somewhere else.
I was dreaming on this night about my father. In the dream, he had come back to visit me and to make sure I was alright. I kept reaching out for him, but he would step back and fall away somewhere in the darkness. He would come forward again and I would reach out to him once more, but he would always fall just out of reach. I called for him, "Daddy? Daddy?"
Finally, he sat down in an old rocking chair and he didn't fall away. I came over to hug him. He seemed to be sleeping, because his eyes were closed and he didn't speak to me at all. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rocked with him, feeling content that he had come back for me. It confirmed to me that somewhere deep down, my father cared about me.
"What is she doing?" I heard a voice say from afar.
"Hugging an old man," whispered another deeper voice.
The voices were interrupting my dream. I opened my eyes and realized that I was no longer in my bed. I was in the dark and sitting on someone's lap. I blinked with surprise and sat back to see who I was sitting on. The moonlight was coming in through the window, so there was enough light to show me that I was seated in Paul's lap with my arms around him. He was the one rocking me, not my father. Paul was still in his catatonic state and didn't seem to even notice I was there.
I heard giggling and turned around to face the door. Charlotte and Kevin were watching me from the doorway like I had lost my mind. I was humiliated when I realized how ridiculous I looked in a nightgown and no shoes hugging a catatonic old man in the middle of the night.
"Liz? Liz, honey? Are you out there?" I heard Naomi call from her room.
"Let's get out of here," Charlotte quickly grabbed Kevin's arm and they ran off.
I got off of Paul's lap and tried to resettle the blanket someone had put around him. I told him even if he didn't hear me, "Sorry, Paul."
Just before I turned away, I thought I heard him whisper, "I don't mind."
I looked back at him, but he didn't move or say anything more.
"Liz? Liz?" Naomi was calling for me still, so I hurried down the hallway and into her room.
She was lying down in her makeshift bed. When I came in, she asked, "You alright, sugar plum?"
The full extent of being embarrassed as well as dreaming of my father hit me at once, and I started to cry. Naomi held out her arms for me and said, "Come here and tell me what's wrong."
I ran into her arms and settled down beside her, explaining, "I miss my dad. He doesn't want me, though, and I don't think my uncle does, either."
"Who told you that?" Naomi instantly went defensive.
"No one. Uncle Trumbly just won't talk to me, he won't see me, and he hasn't even told me yet if he's glad that I'm here. I didn't even know he was married or that he had a heart attack a few years ago. He could have died and I would have never known!" I wailed.
Naomi stroked my hair while she explained, "Honey, your uncle loves you. Everyone does, we all agreed to have you come here and live with us because Trumbly spoke so highly of you."
"Charlotte and Kevin don't like me!" I cried.
"Oh now, those three are terrible young ones that are just looking for trouble at every turn! If they bother you, you tell Dean or you come and talk to me!"
I wiped my eyes and looked up at her, saying, "Last time I told Dean, he wouldn't do anything because he said Kevin would make my life miserable."
Naomi sighed heavily and said, "I was waiting on Dean to tell you this, but he's not very keen on saying what needs to be said, so I'll tell you: Dean and Kevin are brothers."
My eyes nearly fell out of my head with shock.
"What?!" I shouted.
Naomi began the story, "Dean's father had his same condition, but shaved daily so that it wasn't noticeable. Dean's mother died of cancer. Dean's father was so full of grief, he gave both boys up to an orphanage and disappeared. Times were hard for Dean then, but he learned self-defense so he could hold his own. Kevin has always had a very bitter rivalry with Dean, even when they ran away and found Trumbly's crew. Dean is the better and stronger man of the two, and Kevin knows that, so he does his best to destroy whatever Dean holds precious."
"But I'm not precious to Dean," I pointed out.
"Honey, of course you are. Do you know why?" Naomi asked.
"Why?" I truly wanted to know.
"Trumbly made you roommates because he knew your personality, and when you look at Dean, you see Dean, not the freak that he thinks he is," Naomi answered.
I considered this information and felt a lot better. I settled in more comfortably and asked, "Would you tell me more about Trumbly?"
Naomi huddled me in close and explained, "Oh, I've known Trumbly for the better part of twenty years, and there is nothing that man won't try once. I've seen him jump out of a plane, eat a bull's testes, and I've even seen him fly."
"Fly?" I asked.
"It was years ago, but Trumbly built a pair of wings that looked more like sticks and paper to me. He kept telling us it was an illusion, and that he could fly with those wings. We all laughed at him, so he climbed to the top of the house, strapped those wings to his back and jumped off the roof. By God's grace, he flew alright. Clear to the barn, where he landed in the zebra pen. He even used the same word before liftoff that he always says to open every show."
"What does he say?" I asked, feeling sleepy.
"Watch," Naomi's eyes glittered when she spoke my uncle's captivating word.
I fell asleep thinking about my uncle flying, and that's exactly what I dreamed about.
:-:
"Liz? Liz?" I heard Dean's voice calling from the hallway.
I woke up that morning still next to Naomi, but she was upright and knitting. She called back, "She's in here, Dean!"
Dean rushed through the door and came to my side. He asked Naomi, "Is she alright?"
I was trying to sit up, so Dean took my arms and helped me. Naomi laughed and replied, "Young one was sleepwalking last night. Got her in here and coaxed her back to a sound sleep."
I glanced at Naomi, and she gave me a knowing look. I remembered our conversation that night, but she didn't add that to the story for Dean. I looked down when I noticed my legs were propped up on something and I asked while I observed it, "What are these?"
"Rolled up throw blankets to put under your knees, sugar. I used that trick during my pregnancy. Kept me cool and comfortable during the night, and kept my feet from swelling so much."
It was a simple idea, and I was glad to learn about it. Dean helped me to my feet. I waved good-bye to Naomi and said, "Thank you for letting me stay in here for the night."
"No problem. You come back when you're awake sometimes too," Naomi winked at me.
Dean led me back upstairs. I told him as soon as we got back to our room, "I have to use the bathroom."
He stayed by the vanity. His expression was a little distraught. I closed the door to the bathroom and made it to the toilet, telling myself with a sigh of relief, "Thank God."
Being pregnant meant frequent bathroom trips, and I was always worried I wouldn't make it in time. I was in the midst of doing my business when suddenly Dean opened the door and walked right in like I wasn't even there. I had my underwear around my ankles and I quickly pulled them back up to my knees as I screamed, "What are you doing?!"
"I need a shower, if you don't mind," Dean stated crudely.
The blue shower curtain was thin and almost see through. It surrounded a white antique porcelain tub with a newly added stainless steel shower head. Dean pulled the curtain aside and started the water. He aggressively started removing his clothes as if he were making a statement and I got the distinct impression that his rudeness was due to something or someone upsetting him, but if I was that someone or not, I couldn't tell.
Suddenly, I remembered something from Dean's words. Paul had said something similar last night...I was sitting on his lap...I woke up on his lap...he told me, "I don't mind..."
"What?!" Dean asked, and I realized he was watching me concentrate on my thoughts while I was still sitting on the toilet.
"Nothing! Don't watch me while I pee!" I snapped, and Dean made a gruff sigh as he got into the tub.
I couldn't help keeping my eyes on him even after he pulled the curtain forward to mostly conceal his body. Dean's hair formed more closely to his body when it was wet, and his muscles and other features were much more defined. Dean turned to one side, and I thought I got the hint of some frontal male anatomy.
While I was gawking, I had taken some toilet paper to wipe myself, and my right index fingernail accidentally grazed that little spot between my legs that always reminded me of a swollen pink orange seed that God had lodged between a set of smaller lips and a second set of even bigger lips. I always thought he was trying to grow a flower with a lady's privates and it just didn't bloom.
I looked down at it when I noticed that grazing it felt unusually good. I thought maybe I had tickled it or something, like when someone tickles your back or sides and it's suddenly stimulating. I was brought out of my thoughts when Dean pulled the curtain aside again and yelled at me, "You better not be taking a dump, because I don't want the whole bathroom to stink! Wait until I get out first!"
I gasped and glared at him furiously. He yanked the curtain shut and I angrily got off of the toilet, then I flushed the handle before Dean could argue with me. He cried out as the water in the shower turned cold and I stormed out of the bathroom.
:-:
I was so angry with Dean, I didn't wait for him to take me to breakfast. He appeared in the dining room after I had already sat down and gave me a strict glare. I didn't know what his problem was before, but now he was just being immature. Two could play that game.
When the bacon was set down, I rushed in front of Dean and grabbed it, nearly smashing my pregnant belly onto his plate. I managed to get three pieces while he was so startled by me that he didn't get any. I sat down and ate my bacon slowly just to mess with him. He pretended ignored me, but I could see him glaring at me from the corners of his eyes.
As soon as I finished breakfast, I told Dean, "I'm going to see Sheamus," and I walked outside before he could object.
He didn't follow me, and while I walked out into the yard in hopes of running into Sheamus again, I began to wonder what was up Dean's butt. He seemed fine but a little scared when he came in to get me, then he was all Mr. Grouchy McMoody-Pants when we got back to our room. Could it have been because I had been sleepwalking and he didn't know where I was when he first woke up? Was Naomi right, and I was precious to Dean? Naomi had mentioned that I was sleepwalking, even though I came into her room fully awake. It made me think that Trumbly had warned the other Carnies about my problem. Maybe Dean had taken it upon himself to make sure I didn't wander off.
The more I walked and thought about it, the more I began to think that Dean's attitude was not directed at me but at the situation, which could have ended a lot worse if I had kept wandering through the house and someone less caring had found me. I had half a mind to turn back to the house to find Dean and talk to him, but I caught sight of Sheamus close to the tree where he had been with the baby bat before and I wanted to see him. When I came closer, I saw that he was sitting on the grass and playing with a lion cub.
"Is that a baby lion?" I whispered in awe.
Sheamus turned back to face me with one eye squinted from the sun. He shouted with a mix of delight and surprise, "Oy! Sure is, she was bawrn las' week."
Holding a short length of thick rope in his hand, Sheamus put it up and the lion cub kept trying to grab it in her paws like a full grown kitten. I sat down beside him and watched while he played with her. After a while, I asked, "Is she a pet?"
"Na, she'll be part o' the shaw someday. Speakin' o' shaws, would ya like to come with Dean an' I to the mawvies later?"
I considered the request. Normally I would've said yes right away, but since Dean was acting stand-offish with me and I had retaliated, he might not want me to come. Still, I did like having something to do, so I answered after some consideration, "Yes, I would be delighted."
Sheamus smiled broadly, and I reached over to pet the lion cub. He warned me, "Watch for her claws, an' her tongue is like san'paper."
I touched the lion cub's fur, and she was softer than I would have guessed. She tried to grab my hand and nibble on it, but I wouldn't let her. She had such a grip already, I wondered what it would be like when she was grown up.
"Trumbly, Sir!" Sheamus jumped to his feet.
I turned around and saw that my uncle was standing behind us near the tree. I had no idea how long he had been there, but he was watching me very carefully.
"She came ta see the lion, sir. I was watchin' over her," Sheamus explained himself promptly.
Trumbly smiled warmly at him, and Sheamus eased up a little. Then Trumbly turned his attention on me and asked, "Elizabeth, may I speak with you?"
I rose to my feet as well, but I was not as eager as Sheamus to appease my uncle. Instead, I shouted at him, "Why do you think I would want to talk to you?! I have been trying to talk to you for days and you've ignored me, then you come up at some random time and expect me to be okay with that?!"
My uncle's eyes widened like he had never been scolded before. The fury and disappointment I had felt from him the past few days suddenly came to a head, and I continued, "I didn't even know you were married until your wife told me in front of everyone, and I felt like the biggest idiot in the world! I even heard from a stranger in town that you had a heart attack a few years ago! Then Naomi told me that you flew! Everyone has an amazing story to tell about you, and I didn't even know you were hitched!"
Trumbly put out his hands in defeat and said, "We should sit down and discuss this privately, Elizabeth..."
"It's Liz! And no, I'm tired of people around here treating me like I'm a child and ignoring me or walking away from me when I'm upset with them, then they just show up whenever they want and expect to be forgiven!"
I could tell my uncle was starting to get annoyed with me, especially with Sheamus hearing every bit of our fight, but I didn't care. I walked right past him and back to the house in a huff. On my way inside, I spotted Bray by one of the side doors. He waved at me and winked. I blushed and ran upstairs to my room, still unsure about Bray's intentions for me.
:-:
Uncle Trumbly didn't try to find me. Sheamus came to get me later that evening and take me to the movie. I didn't even mention to Dean that I was going, but he didn't act surprised so I assumed Sheamus told him ahead of time. The drive into town was quiet. Dean's mood still seemed off-beat and Sheamus was keeping his mouth shut after he saw me blow up earlier. I was beginning to believe our night out was going to be more awkward than fun.
We took the latest show and nobody was in the theater with us. The same punk boy from last time let his eyes bug out of his head and his jaw drop at the sight of Dean. I ordered my popcorn to share with the guys and I took my seat between them.
The movie started. It was the same movie as before but I didn't mind seeing it again. The beginning had a few funny parts and scenes that got us laughing, and we all eased up as the movie went on. Sheamus even started taking some of my popcorn, but Dean still wouldn't even look at me. Either he wasn't hungry, or he was still mad that I messed up his shower this morning.
I noticed a quarter of the way through the movie that some people had entered. Sheamus and I both looked them over. I realized one of them was AJ again, this time with a couple of his friends. There was a guy and an Asian girl with him. They spotted us almost immediately, and I saw AJ's friends whisper to each other and point at Dean, then they laughed and took their seats on the opposite side of the theater.
When any graphic or sensual scenes came up, I would hide my eyes behind my hand. During one of the really sensual scenes, Sheamus leaned into me and said, "Thar's no need ta hide, love. It's a natural occurrence. When a lad has feelin's for a lass, he shawd let 'er know."
I took my hand away enough to face him, asking, "Well, if it's natural, then why does my dad think it's wrong?"
Sheamus shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the screen, replying, "'cause relugun makes ya feel unhappy 'bout things that make ya the happiest."
He spoke like he had been through his own experiences with religion stalling his happiness. I took my hand completely away, but by that time the scene was over and it was back to the action again. I reached for more popcorn and when I pulled away, Dean reached in after me. I looked at him, and he took his hand out, saying, "Sorry, I should've asked."
Maybe it was Sheamus' words, or maybe the sensual scene had put him in a lighter mood, but Dean didn't sound half as upset as he was this morning. I quickly answered, "No, it's alright, I just feel bad that I ate most of it."
"I'll get us a refull," Sheamus reached for the popcorn, but I got up instead and said, "It's okay, I'll go. I have to take a bathroom break anyway."
I left my popcorn bucket at the counter like last time. When I came back, I saw Dean waiting for me at the far door of the theater, but he had a stern look on his face again. The look wasn't for me, but for AJ, who was holding my full bucket of popcorn for me with a broad smile.
"I refilled your popcorn for you again. Hope you don't mind," AJ handed me the bucket.
"Do you come to the movies every night?" I asked curiously.
"Well, it is one of the very few things to do in this town," AJ pointed out.
"What are the other things to do?" I asked.
Punk boy snorted and rolled his eyes at me like I was asking a stupid question. I hated that he was even eavesdropping in the first place.
"Sleep, drink, and party," AJ listed everything for me on the three fingers of his right hand.
"Oh, well I'm not good at any of those," I replied, earning another snort of disgust from punk boy.
"Not even sleep?" AJ asked, apparently undaunted by punk boy.
I shook my head and answered, "I sleepwalk sometimes. I don't have good dreams."
AJ furrowed his brow with a mix of sympathy and concern for me, which I found to be appealing, when the door to the theater opposite of where Dean was opened and the Asian girl with earphones and a shiny blue jacket leaned out and said, "AJ, get back in here. Your favorite scene is coming up."
I blanched a little when I remembered that the scene coming up was the most sensual one of all. Asian girl saw my redness and chuckled, then she disappeared back into the theater. AJ waved an awkward good-bye, looking sheepish himself, and went through the same door as his friend. He ignored Dean completely. I came over to Dean and he followed me back to our seats without a word. Although the popcorn was now almost overflowing, Dean didn't reach for it again.
:-:
When the movie finished, Sheamus and Dean quickly took me by either arm and we made our way back to the car. I was thankful that Sheamus and Dean didn't try to bring up stopping by the bar. We were almost to the car when AJ called out to me, "Hey Liz!"
I turned around to face him. He was still a few good yard away, keeping almost strained attention on me while his buddies were half a block away laughing and whispering something to each other.
Dean stayed by the car, but Sheamus stayed a little closer to me.
"Hey uh, the guys and I were wondering if you would like to come to our party next week," AJ said kindly.
"Next week? Really? It's my birthday next week!" I replied.
AJ's face lit up and he countered, "No shit! Then I'll pick you up at 7:30 and we'll have a birthday slash welcome to the small town celebration before the big party itself!"
I thought of something and asked, "Will a parent be there?"
It was an automatic question that had been ingrained in my head from my father and the school system. My question made AJ furrow his brow again, but this time it wasn't in sympathy, it was in confusion. His buddies started laughing because they had heard the question from where they were. I started to feel hot with embarrassment when AJ answered, "Uh, no, Liz. There won't be any parents...or adults. It'll be me and my friends and some of our friends from the high school."
I couldn't have felt more stupid, and I wanted so badly to make it up to AJ, but I was too smart to let myself go and get into the trouble that I knew would be at a small town party with a bunch of kids. I shook my head and said weakly, "I'm sorry, I can't go. My dad would be really disappointed in me."
It was true. If my father cared enough to check up on me, he would be furious to hear that a boy would even ask me to go to an unsupervised party, let alone that I would say yes. I started to turn back, but AJ stopped me with his words, saying, "Hey wait! Look, I really want you to come. I'll ask my stepbrother to be there with his wife or something, he's thirty."
I asked excitedly, "Could I bring someone too? I mean, I don't know anyone in town so I want to have someone that I know there because my uncle wouldn't want me to be alone."
AJ glanced nervously at Dean, then he started focusing on me with that strained look again. He looked like it was hard for him not to point out how much Dean disgusted him. AJ asked me as kindly as he possibly could behind the strain, "Who would you like to bring?"
I wanted someone who was strong enough to hold his own in case of a problem, someone who liked me enough to defend me, and someone around the age group as AJ and his friends so that he wasn't a total outcast.
"Could I bring Bray? He was with me at the theater last time, the one without the girl trying to rearrange his face with her lips."
AJ's reaction made me think he would've liked it better if I had picked Dean.
"You mean that big guy that looked like he would hit someone over the head with a baseball bat just for breathing on him?"
I thought I heard Sheamus stifling a laugh behind me. I nodded and replied, "Yep. I promise I won't let him do something like that at the party."
It was a long shot. I really didn't know if I could promise that because I still didn't know Bray that well, but AJ nodded. He swallowed hard before answering, "Yeah, sure, I guess Bray can come, but that's it. We don't want too many invites."
Again, he strained saying the last part of his sentence. It seemed like AJ was just dying to launch insults at Dean, but his inability to keep himself very concealed was insulting enough. If he kept this up, I might let Bray get a cheap shot just for the hell of it.
