Chapter 4
I try to spend the entire day of the toasting out in the woods hunting. I have every intention of being as productive as possible while everyone else insisted on spending time at the new house. Toasting or not, we still have to eat. Gale is still at work and I am relishing the opportunity to have some time to myself. I appreciate the Hawthorne's generosity and we wouldn't have made it without them, but the constant stream of people was taxing. I am able to do some foraging and find the last of the summer greens still holding on to autumn and check the snare line, but my heaart isn't really into hunting. I spend more time than I'd like to admit running through every possible scenario for this evening. I've almost convinced myself to not return when I realize the sun has moved into late afternoon and Prim will be looking for me.
Before I know it, I am sitting on a stool in front of a mirror in Hazelle's room. I am barely able to contain the subtle bubble of panic rising just below the surface of my seemingly calm demeanor. I can only hope my silence comes off as nervous bride jitters, but I can't be too sure. In just a few minutes, I'll be walking down the street to my new home where I will have my toasting with Gale. I never dreamed of having a wedding or becoming someone's wife. I had spent my mature life, after my father died, convinced that I never wanted to marry. I saw how losing him destroyed my mother and I never wanted to become so vulnerable. Marriage always led to children in the Seam and I never wanted something else for the Capitol to take from me. Yet, here I am getting married to a boy I love, but I don't know if I'm in love with all for the sake of survival.
My hands develop a slight tremor and I can only hope I'll be able to get it under control before I have to face Gale. He's always been able to read me like a book and I don't want him to doubt my commitment to our marriage. I might not want this but I don't want to disappoint him. It might not feel real to me but I don't want anyone else to suspect otherwise. I owe Gale enough to spare him the embarrassment of that. I'm beginning to regret not talking about this arrangement more openly with him. Now it is too late to realize my mistake. I would be less nervous if I had just talked to Gale about it firsthand. Gale will always be my best friend, but after today, he'll be my best friend and my husband. I'm not sure what, if anything, he expects to change between us.
I take in a deep, shaky breath, closing my eyes tightly, and let it out slowly, willing the air to take my nerves with it as it escapes my lungs. I repeat the process a few times to no avail of the butterflies that have taken flight in my stomach. I open my eyes only to meet Hazelle's in the mirror behind me, giving me a slow, knowing smile.
"You know, I was a fool for Gale's father. That man could tie my insides in knots and make me feel like I was soaring with one crooked smile, but I was still nervous on our wedding day," Hazelle says gently, flitting around behind me to smooth the stray hairs that have escaped Prim's braided masterpiece. "My daddy took me for a walk out back around our yard before we walked over for the toasting, trying to calm my nerves." She grins bigger at the memory, laughing slightly at herself.
"He said to me, 'Hazelle, my girl, you're shaking like a leaf on a tree in November. If you wanna run for it, I figure I can give you a ten minute head start.' The thought of running off like that was enough to set me straight. I couldn't imagine my life without marrying him." She walks around and kneels down beside me, taking my face in her hands.
"Katniss, I reckon I can give you a ten minute head start, but I'm fairly sure Gale can outrun you," Hazelle says seriously. I let out a shaky laugh and shake my head slightly, glad for some relief in the pent up tension.
"I also know that my son loves you more than anything. He's wanted nothing but you long before he even understood it himself. Gale's a good man. He'll love you with his whole heart and always take care of you. You've always been family to us, but I have to say, I'm proud that today you'll really become my daughter. You challenge him, make him want to be a better man. I know the two of you will always take care of one another. A mother couldn't ask for anything more for her son," Hazelle says to me softly as a single tear of joy trickles down her face. I can't help but wipe away a stray tear of my own. I hadn't even realized I had started crying. My mother being gone might be why I am sitting here today, but I can't help the fierce pride I feel to be accepted by Hazelle. Hazelle has always been everything a wife and mother should be for her family.
My voice thick with emotion, I take Hazelle's hands in my own, squeezing tightly. "Thank you. I hope we can make you proud."
Hazelle stands and pulls me to my feet. She rubs her hands up and down my arms and smiles brightly. "You already do. Now let's go get you married."
The bottomless pit of nerves I have been feeling all morning abates slightly, but I still have to steel myself. I can do much worse than Gale Hawthorne, my best friend, hunting partner, and only person that I can be myself with, besides Prim. His family loves both my sister and I, and I suspect that this is much more than just an arrangement of convenience to him. That thought is what terrifies me. I give Hazelle the brightest smile I can manage and walk out to the living room.
Prim and Posy are sitting together on the threadbare couch, heads hunched over, together putting the finishing touches on a bouquet of wildflowers. Prim hears the sharp clack of my dress shoes as I move over the wooden floor boards and pulls herself away from the bouquet.
"Oh, Katniss! You look so beautiful!" Prim exclaims, unable to contain the tears of pure joy that overflow from her eyes. "Gale isn't going to know what to do with himself!"
I can't help the blush that creeps over my cheeks with embarrassment. She did my hair earlier, artfully crafting it into intricate looping braids and pinned up, and helped me button up the dress, however, this is the first time she's seen her work all put together. Unable to come up with an appropriate response, I simply open my arms, of which Prim easily launches herself into. Prim is ecstatically happy. This is something I can understand; it's safe and familiar. A small mass collides with our legs as we look down to see Posy has attached herself to the hug as well.
"Katniss, you look really pretty! Did you see the flowers? I helped!" Posy declares, barely taking a breath in explanation.
"They're beautiful. Thank you, Posy," I say as I catch Hazelle's eye, whom hastily tries to brush away her tears before I can notice.
"Come on girls, we should head out. I shutter to think what all your hard work will look like if we leave the boys alone in that house for too long," Hazelle says as she gives Prim a conspiratory wink. I didn't see the need for decorating, but apparently, Hazelle and Prim thought otherwise. Knowing it gave my sister joy to be included, I'll be sure to thank her later. It may be unnecessary but I can't deny Prim anything.
The short walk to the new home I will be sharing with Prim and Gale seems to pass even more quickly. Posy gives my middle section a tight hug before skipping into the house, saying, "I'm glad you're my sister now, Katniss."
Such a simple explanation from the mouth of babes. I can't help but grin at her exuberance. She's still innocent and weddings are a thing of fairytales, maybe if I can remember that I'll be able to pull this off. Hazelle gives me one more quick hug and a bright smile, straightening out the invisible wrinkles in my dress that had been starched into perfection and follows Posy inside.
Prim and I are left standing alone on the porch and in a rare moment of role reversal, Prim takes my hands. "I know you never wanted to get married and I know you're doing this for us, but Katniss, he really loves you. Just keep an open mind, I think you could surprise yourself."
Before I can respond, Prim leans forward to kiss my cheek and heads into the house. When did my baby sister grow up? I take a few more cleansing breaths, knowing it's time to head in myself. This might not be what I planned, but I owe it to Gale to do as Prim said and go in with a clear, open mind.
I immediately can feel the warmth of the hearth and perfectly constructed fire in the small living room. It is sparsely furnished, save for a few borrowed chairs for the Hawthorne's to sit on, but Prim and Posy have managed to cover every available surface in milk bottles filled with baby's breath and tied twine bows around the neck of the bottles. I'm surprised to see Greasy Sae and a few others from the Hob and Gale's mining crew there as well. All eyes are on me as I close the creaking door behind me.
Madge is standing to the side of the hearth, next to a small side table, paper and pen in her hands. She has been working at the Justice Building part-time in preparation for the end of the year when we'll graduate, taking over some of the administrative paperwork to help lighten the load for her father. I feels a surge of gratitude that my only friend besides Gale will get to officiate the wedding. It seems less threatening being officiated by Madge.
Having taken in the room and a deep breath, I finally let my eyes land on Gale. He's standing tall and strong next to the hearth. His hands are clasped behind his back and he simply exudes pride. His dark hair has been combed and tamed. He looks like a man, no longer the boy from the woods, in his starched light blue button up and dark gray pants. The blue makes his gray eyes shine like the glassy surface of the lake. My breath hitches and I can feel my heart skip a beat at the genuine, adoring smile on his face. He gives me a small wink and I find that I can move my feet. Unable to take my eyes off his, my feet thankfully move under their own accord, bringing me closer to him. A thousand emotions flit through those gray eyes that I know so well. He reaches out to take my smaller hand in his. The feel of his strong grip and calloused fingers that are just as familiar as my own anchors me. The strength of his grip is all I need to keep the butterflies contained and me tethered to the earth, feet firmly planted in the present with him. Without my permission, a small smile spreads across my face and I look up at him from under my lashes, blushing slightly.
Prim comes up next to me to take my bouquet and I find both my hands enclosed in Gale's. He pulls me closer so that we are standing toe to toe in front of the hearth. "You look beautiful, Katniss. I always knew you'd be a blushing bride," He says quietly, his eyes glistening with emotion that I can't quite place.
I don't notice anything but the soft gray of his eyes and the feel of his thumbs drawing small circles on the back of my hands. Madge has begun talking but I couldn't be sure of what she was saying. Gale moves to let go of my hands, but I grip tighter, unwilling to let go of his strong presence keeping my legs from turning into jelly. He flashes me a brilliant smile and untangles himself from my clutch. He turns around to get the bread to be toasted and offers me his hand to help me kneel on the floor before the fire. Somehow I missed the entire Capitol mandated remarks before a toasting to make it legal. Good, I think. I don't want anything more from the Capitol than I have to. Kneeling together, we both begin to toast our bread. I notice it isn't our normal dark, Tesserae grain bread but a lighter, nutty loaf with bits of dried fruit. I want to scowl at the wastefulness of Gale spending so much money on a loaf of bread, but I'm reminded of Prim's prodding to keep an open mind. He wanted this to be special. I find that I cannot deny him the pride of providing real baker's bread to be toasted for his bride.
We both move to pull our bread from the fire at the same time and I look at Gale hesitantly. It is tradition that the bride speak first. Capitol weddings are filled with romantic embellishments and exuberant personalizations, but District 12's traditional vows are simple, repeated by each and every couple without alteration. Taking a deep breath and willing my voice to be clear and even, I begin, "Gale, I promise to stand by your side as your dutiful wife, to provide your body with nourishment and give shelter to your heart."
My hand shaking slightly, I offer him a piece of the bread. His eyes are dancing with the firelight and he obediently opens his mouth and takes the offered piece from my hand. He chews softly, his eyes never leaving my face. I can feel the heat creeping up my neck and over my cheeks and I have to look down.
Gale swallows and breaks off a piece from his own slice. "Katniss, I promise to stand by your side as your dutiful husband, to provide your body with nourishment and give shelter to your heart." His own hand is steady and his voice is strong but tender. I open my mouth and accept his offering. His fingers brush my lips as I close my mouth. I chew slowly as he offers me his hand and we stand together.
He guides me gently over to the small table beside Madge where we sign our names to our marriage certificate, making it official. I brave a glance up at the rest of the room as Gale is signing his name in a bold, strong cursive to see Madge quickly wiping away tears and Prim and Hazelle doing the same. Without ceremony or flourish, I sign my name to the document and hand back the pen and paper to Madge. I let out a deep breath, only to discover Gale has taken my face in his hands. He gently tilts my face up towards his. For a heartbeat that feels like eternity, he searches my eyes then lowers his lips to mine. The kiss takes me by surprise but I find myself easily surrendering to his soft lips. This is my first kiss. I'm surprised to feel the undertones of a longing to deepen the kiss begin to rise as he pulls away, smiling broadly. The room erupts into loud cheers and applause and I can't help but flush a deep red. Gale laces his fingers through mine and pulls me to his side, beaming at his family and friends that have surrounded us with pats on the back and words of congratulations.
I find myself pulled into a hug by Greasy Sae. "I knew you'd smarten up eventually, Katniss. That's a good man you've got there." I feel Gale squeeze my hand in reassurance and I'm glad he knows better than to let go of me. I'm unsure how to answer her but the knowing glint in her eyes tells me that I don't have to.
Still gripping my hand, Gale is hugging his mother. A small lump forms in the back of my throat when I realize she is the only parent we have left. The look of pride is unmistakeable on her face. I'm greeted with awkward hugs from Rory and Vick. My stomach does a weird flip-flop at realizing I started out this morning with only Prim and my family just expanded to include two brothers and another sister.
Madge appears suddenly at my side, wide smile, clasping my elbow. Fingers still laced firmly through Gale's, I turn to her. "Katniss, I know you would have said no if I had asked, so I didn't, but I wanted to do something special," she says tentatively.
Before I can protest, she's gently leading me over to my new to me, modest kitchen, Gale trailing easily behind me. On the small, worn table is easily the prettiest cake I've ever seen. It's fairly small as far as wedding cakes go, but it is undoubtedly the fanciest thing anyone in this room has ever had. It stands two tiers tall in butter cream frosting. In a masterpiece of sugar and food coloring, the baker has managed to capture perfectly the meadow in full bloom of spring. Each delicate flower is hand painted with such care and detail that I can hardly believe they aren't real.
Gale's brow furrows slightly at the cake, no doubt thinking the extravagance is unnecessary, just as I am, but quickly smoothes his features into a look of pleasant surprise when he catches me staring. Posy skips up next to us, eyes alight in wonder at the frosted creation, "Can I have a piece?"
I turn to Gale in mock seriousness, "What do you think, should we share our cake or just eat it all ourselves?"
His eyes twinkle with mischief. "I don't know, Catnip, maybe we should just eat it. I bet no one else even likes cake."
Crying out her protest, Posy is positively indignant at the thought of not getting any, her lip falling into a full-on pout and her arms crossed over her chest. It would be heartbreaking if I hadn't already moved to the cabinet to set out a stack of mismatched plates and a knife to cut into the cake. Madge follows my lead and begins rummaging around to find enough forks and spoons for all our guests. My hand hovers over the bottom tier and I'm almost filled with a sense of loss at cutting into it. It's almost too pretty to eat but I know this is something we could never afford ourselves. I'm embarrassed by Madge's generosity that I'll never be able to repay.
"Need some help?" Gale asks, seeing my internal struggle. He stands behind me and places his hand over mine, guiding it to the perfect cut. The warmth of his hand on mine and the closeness of his body makes me hyper-aware and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I'm vaguely aware of how intimate this must look to everyone else. How well we are playing our part as bride and groom. He swipes his finger into the frosting and dabs a bit on my nose before sticking the rest in his mouth and flashing me a teasing grin. I scowl and move aside to wipe the frosting off my nose, letting Madge take over making precise cuts and handing them out to our guests.
I'm unable to stay annoyed at him for long when I see him scoop up Posy and plop her down on his lap, holding her plate of slightly larger portion of cake steady as she enjoys it happily. I'm grateful that everyone's attention seems to be focused on their rare treat and it allows me to melt into the background as best I can. The room is filled with the sounds of our friends and family conversing, carelessly laughing, and forks scraping plates clean. Although Gale is talking with Thom, who is a fellow miner and was in his year at school, his eyes frequently find mine, giving me a small smile. I've only ever seen Gale so carefree in the woods and I can't help but feel guilty at the circumstance surrounding our toasting. He looks just as in his element surrounded by his friends and family as he does in the woods. I cringe inwardly, knowing he deserves this moment with someone that he truly loves and who loves him back with her whole heart. I've taken that option away from him.
Our guests don't stay too much longer and we accept final congratulations and wishes on the porch steps as we see them out. I move to say something as Prim begins carrying an overtired Posy in the direction of the Hawthorne house. Hazelle pulls me into a hug. "I thought Prim could have a sleep over with Posy and I tonight. I'll send her back over with her things around noon tomorrow. I'm sure the two of you will have plenty to organize in the house."
I stiffen at her implication. Having your younger sister sleeping in the next room isn't ideal for newlyweds, but it isn't like that between Gale and I. She clearly expects a physical relationship between the two of us and I begin to panic at not knowing what Gale will expect.
"Thanks Ma, you know, for everything," Gale says, pulling her into a hug and giving her a reassuring smile. It does nothing to settle the butterflies in my stomach. We stand on the porch side by side as she rounds up her brood and heads towards their house, leaving us alone as the sun begins setting. I'm terrified to find out what happens next, so I make my escape as quickly as possible, ducking into the kitchen with the pretense of washing up the dishes.
I fill up the sink and begin collecting the plates and silverware from their precarious perches all over the window ledges and chairs of the kitchen and living room. I'm focused so intently on stacking them up next to the sink that I don't realize Gale has come up next to me with his silent tread, rolling up his sleeves and picking up a towel to help me dry the dishes. "You know, you could have just left all of this mess until tomorrow or at least asked for some help. You don't have to do everything yourself, Catnip."
I can hear the double meaning to his words. He wants me to let him in, let him take care of me. I refuse to become anymore dependent on him than I already am. Isn't it enough that he's saved my sister and I from the Community Home? "I'm not much of a homemaker, but I can wash a few dozen dishes, Gale."
Ignoring my scowl, his features soften tentatively. "I know you can, Katniss."
We work side-by-side in a heavy silence. We both know that we need to talk about how this is all going to work, but neither of us has been very comfortable talking about our feelings. I hear him take a deep breath a few times, as if preparing to say something, but stops himself. I know he's just as scared of saying the wrong thing as I am. I let the water out of the sink, dry my hands, and move away to return the chairs to their proper place from where they'd been set up for the ceremony. I can feel his eyes burning into my back from across the room, but I'm not ready to acknowledge it yet.
He disappears into our room and reappears a few minutes later, dressed in low slung flannel pants and a faded, fitted black t-shirt riddled with holes around the collar. He must be able to sense the panic that rises in me at the sight of him walking across our living room in his pajamas. I clearly hadn't given enough thought to how this arrangement would work. We'll be expected to share a room and sleep next to each other in the same bed. His long stride closes the gap between us and he takes my hands in his. "Katniss, I realize it's not like that between us and I'm not expecting anything. I can sleep in Prim's room tonight, but we've got to figure this out, she'll be back here tomorrow."
I nod my head and attempt to make sense of the whirlwind of thoughts going through my head. His gray eyes search mine, reading far more than I'm probably ready to say to him. He clenches jaw and drops my hands, having come to a conclusion that I haven't decided for myself. "It's okay. We can talk about it later," he says, moving towards the small bedroom next to ours.
I'm flooded with shame at the thought I've driven him from his own bed. I don't know what's more embarrassing, sharing a bed with my best friend or the surfacing memory of how his lips felt on mine when he kissed me this afternoon. On impulse, I grab his hand and barely murmur, "Please stay."
He turns back around and searches my face to confirm that I do, in fact, want his presence. Before I can change my mind, I lead us back to our room. Instantly, I wish I would have thought this through better. He's already in his pajamas but I am still wearing my dress. Realizing my discomfort, he turns his back, giving me a sense of privacy. I easily remove my shoes but struggle a bit with the row of tiny buttons on the back of the dress. Prim had painstakingly buttoned them for me this morning and I didn't give any thought to how I would undo them later. Gritting my teeth, I call out to him, "Gale, do you think you can help me with the buttons on the back? Prim had to do them up earlier and I don't think I can reach them all."
A look I can't decipher flashes across his face. "Of course. Turn around, Catnip," he says, his voice thicker than usual.
I can feel his breath on the back of my neck as his deft fingers slowly begin undoing the row of tiny buttons. I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment as he reveals the black lace of my bra and I can hear the hitch in his breath. Each undone button reveals a sliver of skin and I can't help but think he's moving at a snail's pace. Gale's fingers brush the newly exposed flesh, leaving a wake of goosebumps in their path. The tension between us is palpable and I can feel his eyes drinking me in. Before I can make my mind up about how I feel about this, he's taken a step back towards the bed. Quietly he says, "All done, Katniss."
I can hear the bed creak as it gives way to to his weight. Clutching the neck of the dress tightly, I scramble to find my longest nightgown to don. I make a split second decision to remove my bra, I never wear one to bed and I'm not about to start now. My underwear, however, remains firmly in place. Dressed in the most modest nightclothes I own, I turn around to see Gale sitting on the edge of the bed, looking pointedly at his bare feet. He looks up and we simply stare at each other across the moonlight-filled room.
Gale and I have always had an understanding. We move seamlessly through the woods, true partners. Words are never necessary but I find that I can't place the emotions flickering across his face like the turning pages of a book. He gives me a bashful smile, "I wasn't sure what side of the bed you wanted to sleep on."
He meant it to be funny but neither of us miss the flash of panic that strikes me at his attempt. "Come here, Katniss," he says softly, holding out a hand.
Thankful for him taking control of the situation, I don't hesitate to take his hand and sit next to him on the bed. His thumb draws soft circles on the back of my hand and I allow my head to fall to his shoulder. The mix of his pine scent and masculinity is a familiar comfort. I hadn't had the chance to realize before now how emotionally exhausting the entire day had been. I didn't even realize tears had begun to trickle down my face until they collect damply on my thighs, soaking my nightgown. Gale brushes them from my lashes and pulls me in closer to his side. "Katniss, I know this wasn't what you expected and I'm really sorry..."
"I miss my dad, you know?" I cut him off abruptly. I hadn't even made the connection until the words came flying out my mouth. Taking a shaky breath, I continue, "Hazelle told me about the day she married your dad this morning. She said she spent those last few single moments talking with her dad. I didn't think I'd miss him as much as I do. Not today."
Soft understanding spreads across his face and I instantly feel guilty. Here he thought I was crying because I married him. I truly do ruin everything I touch. I'm not suitable to be anyone's wife. He leans forward and kisses my forehead, gently guiding me to lay back on the bed. I'm too exhausted to protest and it feels too good to let someone else make the decisions for a while.
The nights have gotten much colder and in our back bedroom we can hardly feel the warming effects of the hearth. We climb up to the top and huddle under the blankets. Lying nose to nose, Gale begins to stroke my hair. I close my eyes and let the repetitive motion sooth me.
"I missed my dad today, too," he says quietly. "I know you didn't dream of getting married and having a family, but I did. I always thought I'd spend the morning of my toasting hunting with my dad and he'd have some kind of fatherly advice for me. Rory sort of tried," he laughed. "He told me, 'I think Katniss is going to be a lot like hunting, just have patience with her.' It was pretty good advice for a thirteen-year-old. I promise to be your best friend and have patience, Catnip."
I don't deserve him. Never in a million years will I be able to deserve the boy with the snares. I know he doesn't expect me to say anything back so I concentrate on keeping my breathing steady and drifting off to sleep. The rhythmic motion of him smoothing my hair is more comforting and oddly intimate than anything else we've ever shared together.
I am almost asleep when I hear him so softly whisper, "Good night, Mrs. Hawthorne," before kissing my forehead tenderly and laying back down himself.
A/N: Review if you like...
Thanks to Clara Meliza for being an amazing beta. She keeps me in line (or at least in the same tense). The chat between Katniss and Hazelle is very similar to the one my dad and I had before my wedding. I was a complete wreck of nerves. Justice of the Peace is the way to go, I'm telling you. Ya'll can thank -Drama Queen for amazing review that made me want to publish this tonight. I felt too much like a kid on Christmas knowing I could post this but holding back so I went for it, thank her. Just realize I don't have anything for Ch. 5 together yet so I'll do my best.
