Two months had passed by now. And they had honestly been the worst two months of my entire life. After Sam and I had left town to get away from dad we had talked seriously for the first time about what we really wanted in life. I knew that Sam didn't want to hunt, he never had done, and as much as he tried to tell me he was going to stick around, I couldn't have that, not out of pressure from me or dad. If he wanted out he was getting the hell out. So, we found him a school, one that was more like a boarding school, where he got to stay in one place for good and didn't have to up and leave every month. He was happy with that, until college, he was fine where he was.

As for me, I had to hunt. I needed it. It was the only real outlet I had now. After Sam had first gone I was glad, I didn't want him to see me the way I was, because, truthfully, I was a mess. I drank too much and got myself hurt on hunts, I had nightmares, and no matter what I tried to distract myself with, my mind never really left Holly, or the sheer pain and guilt I felt towards the entire situation.

I couldn't help but think how different things could have worked out, if only I had been a better brother to her, maybe she would have felt she could talk to me about whatever the hell had been going on in her life. Maybe if I had made more of an attempt to break through the walls she had around her, or if I had pressed when she had tried to push us away. I let her shut herself away, I watched her doing it and I didn't stop her. I put everything down to her being a teenage girl, I never thought things could have been as bad as they were. And I regretted that every single day that passed by without her.

But it was more than that. It was more than guilt. I didn't know if it was the fact I was her brother, or whether it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I wasn't completely convinced that she was gone. I hadn't told Sam, I didn't dare, but the feeling never left. I couldn't work out what it was exactly, but it followed me around every day and I couldn't do anything to silence it. Somehow, it was worse than feeling alone. I needed some kind of closure, I knew that much, and there was only one place I could think to find it. I knew, I had to go back, I had to return to the town I swore I would never set foot in again. The amount of times I had seen a ghost stuck on earth with unfinished business built up from a suicide, I couldn't count.

I had to be sure.

So, there I stood, in the doorway of that room that had once seemed so normal, before I witnessed the horrors I did there. That seemed like another lifetime ago. Hesitantly, I stepped inside the room and closed the door behind myself softly. There just something eerie about the fact people could still stay in that room, never knowing what had happened in that bathroom. It made me think, what horrors had happened in the motel rooms we had stayed in? There was no way to tell.

Realistically, I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I wasn't sure why I was even there, or what I expected to find there. But, I had to try. "Holly?" I whispered, because that was as loud as my voice would go at that point. "Holly? You here, sis?" I looked around helpless, unsure of what to say. "Come on, please. Just...I need to talk to you. And, either I'm going crazy, or you're here...I can...feel it. I—"

"Dean." A voice said from behind me. I almost jumped out of my skin at the sound, my heart thumping against my chest. My eyes went wide at the sight before me. There she was. "Holly." I breathed out, nothing but shock in my voice. "You're here."

There was a small smile on her face, somewhat guilty. Her skin was pale against the dark circles beneath her green eyes. But she was still her. She wore the same clothes she had done that night she had taken her own life, it stopped the breath in my chest. I didn't know what to do. "I've been with you this whole time, you idiot." she gave a soft chuckle at the look on my face. I didn't know how to react to that. I had been convinced I was going insane, but she had really been with me, that had been her presence. Seeing the confusion on my face, her eyes softened. "I've been with you since the day you walked out of that motel with the journal."

And then it all clicked. That journal was stained with her blood, with her tears, she had owned it most of her life. It was no wonder it was keeping her there. I felt stupid for not realising it earlier. "Why didn't you say something?" I pressed, shaking my head at her. "Why didn't you show me?"

"I couldn't." she answered, her tone apologetic. "Not until now, at least." She shrugged. "Maybe it's being back here...I don't know."

And then I thought, if she had been with me the entire time, she had seen all of it. She had been there when I had broken down about her death, she had seen how badly I had handled it, she had seen how I had fought with Dad, how I had screamed and shouted in his face, how I had taken Sam and walked away from him. She knew everything. I didn't know what to say to her.

"You said you wanted to talk to me." she said softly, looking up at me again. I frowned, unsure of what she meant. "When you came in here," she clarified. "You said you wanted to talk. So, talk."

I sighed, shaking my head. Where was I even supposed to start with her? There was too much to say. There weren't enough apologies in the world to absolve me from my guilt. There never would be. There wasn't enough time to make it up to her. I knew that.

"How did it get so far, Holly?" I eventually asked, because that was what I really wanted to know. That was what I needed to understand. That question had haunted me since the day it had happened. I still couldn't comprehend it. "How did it get to the point that you really wanted to die?"

Holly shook her head slowly, still smiling at me, and that made me feel worse. Because all she ever did was smile, and I knew she never meant it. She had always tried to smile, and she had always been dying on the inside. "I didn't want to die, Dean." she said simply. "I don't think anyone ever commits suicide because they want to die."

That made me frown. Now I really was confused. "Then why the hell did you do it?" I pressed.

"Because I wanted the pain to stop." she said softly. "I wanted it to go away. I needed it to stop. I couldn't live with it anymore, Dean. And, I'm sorry, I am. But I had to do it."

I felt the tears stinging in my eyes at the thought. Hearing it come from her mouth made it so much more real. "Why didn't you talk to me?" I asked her, my voice shaking as I tried to hold back the emotion. "Why didn't you come and tell me what you were going through? I could've helped you."

She nodded, and I could tell she didn't doubt what I said. "I wanted to tell you everything, I honestly did." She shrugged. "But I couldn't stand to see that look on your face all the time. I couldn't have you looking at me like you pitied me or something. I'd rather go down without you thinking something more than that of me. I mean, you heard dad, right? I killed myself because I was weak." There was something about what she was saying that just reminded me of dad, she wasn't thinking about us. She was thinking about him. All of it, everything she felt, it had come from him. I knew it.

"Holly, listen to me, I have never, ever, thought that you were weak." I told her, my voice serious. I needed her to understand that. It was too late for it now, but she needed to know.

She stared at me for a long moment, as though she was unsure how to react. "Why did you come here, Dean?" she suddenly asked me. "What do you want?"

I blinked, a little taken aback by the question. At first, I hadn't known what I wanted. I hadn't been sure why I had even gone there. I had been lost, nothing had made sense to me, but, suddenly, it all did. And I knew what I wanted. I was fully aware of what I needed. It was her. Because, with dad gone and Sam out, the way it was always going to end up, it was supposed to be me and Holly. That was how I had always pictured we would end up.

"I needed you to come back. I needed to see you." I said simply. "I can't live without you, sis. I can't live without you knowing, I care about you, Holly. I always have done."

She sighed, shaking her head. "Dean—"

"No." I stopped her, because I needed to get it out, just in case it was my last chance to tell her. "You're my baby sister, alright? I love you to freaking death, I always have done. And, these past two months, I haven't known what to do with myself, because nothing makes sense to me anymore. Why can't you see that? Why can't you understand that? You were never on your own, Holly. I know if felt that way, and I'm sorry for that, I am, but I was always there. I always cared about you. I need you to get that." I paused for a moment and sighed. "I need you here with me. Because, if you're not, I'm gonna end up in the same place you were."

Her eyes seemed to go wide at that. I hadn't even known where the words were coming from. They just seemed to pour from my mouth without ending. But there it was, it was all out there now. She looked horrified by my words, and I wasn't all that sure which ones. "You know something, Dean, I took the easy way out. I gave up." I looked up at her, frowning. "Something I learned from what I did...I know now...it takes more courage to keep going than it does to kill yourself. And I quit. I backed out and stopped fighting. You can't." She paused and sighed. "You know what you need to do."

I was confused for a moment, but her eyes told me exactly what she meant. "Holly," I shook my head. "I can't." I pulled the journal from my jacket and looked down at it in my hands. She wanted me to burn it. She wanted to be gone. She wanted it to really be over. But I couldn't face that. All she saw was her death, but all I saw was a second chance. I wanted a second chance with her. "I can't do this without you, Holly." I whispered. I knew right there, I was going to the same place she had been. It was only going to be a matter of time. Maybe not next week, maybe not the week after, maybe not in the same way, but it would happen. "I'll find something, I can fix this, I can bring you back. Things will be different this time."

"You can't bring me back," she countered. "What are you gonna do, sell your soul? What?"

I nodded. "If that's what it takes, yeah."

"Dean," she sighed. "You can't. Please, don't do that."

"I can find something else. I can make it right, I know I can." I was getting desperate and we both knew it. "It'll be you and me, okay? Just the two of us, and I swear to god, Holly, things are going to be different this time. You've got me, and I'm all you need. We'll make it right."

She took a step forwards and gently reached out, pressing a hand to my cheek. Her entire face softened, she looked as though she wanted to cry. Her hand was cold against my skin, but that didn't matter, for a second it felt as though she was right back with me in that room. "Dean—"

"Please don't make me do this alone." I pleaded with her. "Please, Holly."