The Countess Cliché, chapter 4.

Above all things, Vizzini thought, he had to keep everyone in the dark. Keeping Íñigo well away from Betha, and more importantly, the Castle, should be enough. He couldn't have the Spaniard using that clearing any more, just in case the Countess came looking for him there. He'd met up with her to collect Íñigo's money – which he had no intention of handing over, it wasn't like he was actually going to get the chance to spend it – and when she'd asked after him, her eyes had said it all.

He'd thought she was a sensible sort, but no, she'd gone and developed a crush on the man. Never mind helping her now, once this job was over he was going to have to get as far from Florin as he could, and never come back. Women! Never anything but trouble. He moved the troupe out of the thieves forest. It was more expense, more out of his profit, but that couldn't be helped. She probably wouldn't be so silly as to come looking, but there was no telling how stupid she'd be now she had a crush.

He couldn't fathom what might have happened to cause her crush. He knew they'd not ahem, no Spaniard could keep the swagger out of his walk when he'd had a woman, so what had he said or done? How had he charmed her? The Spaniard didn't seem to want to talk about it, probably because he'd been so angry with him when he'd found out.

Word came from Rugen soon enough, though, and then they had the Princess and were off, towards Guilder, and everything there at least was going to plan.


That damned man in black, he was going to ruin everything. Why did people have to come along to ruin a perfectly good job by rescuing Princesses? How he knew they were going to have her he'd no idea, unless one of the stupids had talked. No matter, they were both dead now, which at least saved him the trouble of killing them as well as the girl.

It worried him, though. Alright, Montoya hadn't been at his best, but he had been the best. He should have still been better than some idiot in a mask, even if he had insisted on using his left hand. The man must have tricked him, somehow, that was the only explanation. It would explain Fezzik, too. No man so small should have been able to best a man of Fezzik's size unless he cheated.

Maybe he could be reasoned with. If not, poisoned. He readied a table with two glasses of wine and the poisoned bread and cheese he'd had ready and then the man was coming over the hill. He had always preferred to work alone. Nothing could possibly go wrong now that the stupids weren't there to mess it all up. Anything else was simply inconceivable. They'd have a nice chat, he'd offer the man something to eat... but no. Vizzini could see the intelligence burning in the man's eyes. A challenge. It had been years since he'd been truly challenged. The one thing Vizzini had never been able to resist was a battle of wits.


Fezzik could move surprisingly quietly when he wanted to, and he could become almost invisible, too. Unless he drew attention to himself, people simply didn't notice him. His face was too high up for them to notice him, so they'd bump into him or just walk round him and give him no more thought than if he'd been a tree or a cart or a wall.

That was how he'd found out what the man in black wanted – he'd woken up and heard them talking. They ran off, and he found Vizzini's body, then headed in the direction they had fled. As he came towards them along the top of the ravine, the wind brought him their words. They were heading into the fire swamp so he followed, making his way across through the tops of the trees. That was easy enough to do, if you had Fezzik's strength, and his reach. Anyone smaller would have struggled.

On the other side he'd seen Humpedinck riding towards them and started climbing down to warn them, but he'd been too slow. They were there, and there were men with swords, and pikes, and crossbows. Fezzik stood very still, next to a tree, and thought I'm not here as hard as he could. He saw Humpedinck take the Princess, and then saw the Pirate talking to the nobleman and... six fingers. It was the six fingered man! He had to find Íñigo, but how?


It had all gone wrong, and he'd gone back to the beginning... and without Fezzik and Vizzini there to stop him, Íñigo crawled straight back into a bottle. At first, he'd told himself that it was to ease the pain in his head from the blow the man in black had given him, but really he knew better. He'd messed it all up, he'd failed Vizzini through his pride, and the one thing he knew about Betha was that he didn't dare try to get into the Castle to see her. Their wedding wasn't legal, yet, and if he tried to see her, someone would work out why he was there, and he would have messed up yet again.

So, he drank, and he waited. Then Fezzik had found him, and told him everything he'd learned. As soon as Íñigo heard that Count Rugen was the man he was searching for, and that he was in Florin Castle, where his wife also lived, he understood. Rugen was the man her father wanted her to marry. She'd be so pleased when she found out that he'd killed him, and he could taunt the nobleman with the fact that the woman he wanted for himself belonged to Íñigo. The one problem that remained, then, was how to get into the Castle.

The man in black, he would know what to do, but Fezzik had said Rugen had taken him. If he was in the Castle... that was when he heard the scream. He felt his own heart answering it, recognizing the hell of having someone you loved taken from you... and he could follow it, like a bloodhound could follow the scent of a juicy steak.


Betha wandered away from the farce of a wedding. There had been a terrible commotion outside, Humpedinck had jerked his head and Daddy had turned to leave, clicking his fingers for some guards to follow him. As he passed her, he'd snapped at her to go to her room and lock herself in. She, of course, had gone. She couldn't disobey him with so many people around, but she could dawdle.

Humpedinck wasn't very happy with her father for hiring Vizzini, she knew that much, and Daddy was annoyed too, but then he'd been caught up with a "special project". She knew what that meant, he'd been torturing someone, someone special, but then there had been that awful scream, and father had come storming past her, and not even acknowledged her. He had been absolutely livid about something, but what?

She'd no idea what was going on, and it scared her. How could she protect herself if she had no idea what she had to protect herself from? Before, she'd thought Daddy would look after her, but then she'd found out that he cared more about keeping Humpedinck happy and about his own advancement than he did about her. She was just another tool. Had Humpedinck decided to stay married to the girl?

She'd no idea that Íñigo was working for Vizzini, but Vizzini assured her that he would keep an eye on him and let her know where he got to. Now, he couldn't do that. If Humpedinck didn't want to stay married to Buttercup and she had no husband to present... besides, it hadn't been long enough. If Daddy found out now he could declare it illegal, so Íñigo wouldn't be able to protect her yet.

Maybe Vizzini's first suggestion had been right, and she'd have to run. She tried to remember where the most portable valuables where. Mother's jewellery, that would do, but that was kept in Father's room, which ruled out stealing it in the night and sneaking off. If it came to that, she'd have to run in broad daylight. It was a drastic solution, with a high risk of being caught. She'd not be able to come back until she was sure her marriage was legal, she'd found Íñigo, and knew what the situation back at the Castle was... Best to wait until the situation definitely was drastic, rather than just probably, in case she couldn't come back at all.

As she neared the great hall, she heard a shout from inside.

"Stop saying that!" It had been Daddy. What was going on? Hadn't he gone to the gates?

"Hello! My name is Íñigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die."

This, she thought, Is Not Good. This is, in fact, Very, Very, Bad. She heard the clash of swords, more talking, but through the door she couldn't make out who it had been, or what had been said. There was another clash of swords, a crash, a thump... and then silence.

She held her breath, listening, for what seemed like forever but which was actually nearer to thirty seconds. She eased the door open, and peered inside. All quiet. She slipped inside, and looked around. She could see there had been a scuffle, candlesticks were knocked over, the food on the high table was all over the place... and there was a body in front of the table. A body which had hit the table before it had hit the floor.

She ran over and knelt beside it. There was blood, a lot of blood, and his blue eyes were open and staring, glassily. "Daddy?" she whispered. She touched his neck, trying to find some hint of a pulse. Nothing.

"Daddy..." She shook him. "DADDY!"