Basically a hypocritical mary sue rant

don't own HP or Naruto, all I own is 43 percent of my sanity.


Sasuke dragged Leia down the hallways of Hogwarts.

"C'mon, let me go!"

"Not a chance. This is what you get for sexually harassing all of the guys in Griffindor tower."

"Not all of them…" explained Leia.

Sasuke frowned at her. "Name one."

"Neville Longbottom," said Leia, freeing herself from Sasuke and folding her arms.

"He's too sweet and too much of a gentleman for me to annoy."

Sasuke looked at her as if to say Yeah right, you boy crazy nutjob… but refrained. The two headed towards the Great hall for lunch, they would resume their Tom-and-Jerry-esque chase after a decent meal.

Two Slytherin girls passed by them in the hallway.

"Psst. Who's the emo kid and the girl?" one whispered.

"Ugh, he's probably Harry's long lost twin and she's probably Harry's newest Mary-sue love…"

"WHAT THE FCK DID YOU CALL ME BITCHES?!" screamed Leia. "COME BACK HERE, I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!" She started flailing while Sasuke held her back by the collar.

"Don't make a scene."

"Grr…Nobody calls me a Mary Sue and lives!"

Sasuke stared at her with a blank expression.

"Leia, you are a Mary Sue." He said.

"Just shut up, Sasuke. At least I ADMIT I am a Mary Sue, and totally own my Mary Sue title by deliberately being obnoxious, unlike those other bitches who are in constant denial and believe their story is compelling and original…I hate them."

Sasuke didn't even look in the crazed fangirl's direction.

"PLUS! A little Mary-Suedom is ok as long as it's in a crack and/or plotless setting. I think if you can make people laugh, its okay to squeeze a little Mary-Suedom into fics." Leia explained.

Sasuke murmured something that sounded suspiciously like "Hypocrite" before a hoard of Mary Sues came running the hallway, carrying signs that said "HARRY! I'M YOUR LONG LOST SISTER!" and "THE PROPHECY IS REALLY ABOUT ME!" and whatever stupid plot point you can pin on an annoying, too beautiful teenage girl.

Ever wonder what happened to Kabuto? Well, Harry found him sulking around the dungeons and invited him back to Griffindor tower. Eww, it's not kinky like that. It was time for the Pin-The-Plot-On-The-Mary-Sue finals. Harry vs. Ron (and now Kabuto! Poor guy…)

"Okay…One…Two…THREE" Harry was spinning a blindfolded Ron and let him go as he wandered towards a poster of a scantily clad too-pretty-to-have-any-actual-personality Mary Sue. Kabuto was stuck holding a basket filled with tiresome plot points. Ron pinned his plot point slightly above where her pancreas would be if she were real. He lifted up his blindfold.

"What does it say?" asked Harry eagerly.

"It says: I am a veela transfer student from Beauxbatons and secretly working for Voldemort, except I fall in love with Harr— WAIT! Why are they all about you, Harry?" Ron moped and handed Harry the blindfold.

"Because girls always go for the emo guys, plus I wrote them," explained Harry.

"Really? I thought they were after Oliver wood and Cedric," said Kabuto, with a confused look on his face (sure he's evil, but so cute! Awww! I'd love to see him in bunny ears.)

Anyway, back to the 'plot.' Naruto and Hermione were sitting at a table in the library, surrounded by books with titles such as Fangirlism Throughout the Ages and A Brief History of Fanfiction. Who knew such titles existed among the stacks?

"It says here that Mary Sues are characters in fiction that play out the most cliché roles…" Hermione told Naruto. He was thumbing through a compilation of the world's most nauseating plots.

"They often are written as wish fulfillment for the author, and tend to always get their way. Wait a second; this sounds an awful lot like Lavender Brown!" Hermione shook her head in disbelief and kept reading. Naruto was thumbing through the index and found a list of the most popular crossovers. Naruto/Harry Potter ranked at number three, while, to his amusement, Naruto/Shakespeare was at number forty two. Just then, Voldemort disguised as Orochimaru waltzed into the library.

"Hello, Nine-Tailed Fox," he spat in Naruto's direction.

"OROCHIMARU? What are you doing here? If you're after Sasuke, take a number because it says here that Sasuke is the main character of 72 percent of Harry Potter crossovers." Naruto said, showing off his newfound knowledge.

Voldemort started sweating, for lack of a comeback made him nervous.

"Well…your face!"

Hermione smirked, not knowing who the flamboyant pale figure was. To her, he looked like a boggart version of You Know Who due to the makeup, long hair and butt-bow.

"Have you no respect for the Dark Lord, Mudblo—I mean, I've never met you before. Mwehehehehehe!"

"Orochimaru, have you always laughed like that? Are you feeling okay?" Naruto couldn't believe he was asking this to a foe, but it didn't matter because he was outside the perimeter of his own story.

"Yeah, it's just um…PUBERTY! Yeah, my voice is changing and all sorts of crazy crap. New body, gotta er, break it in! Er…I gotta go!"

Hermione just stared blankly, shrugged and went back to her research as Voldemort dashed away faster than Speedy Gonzales.


plz review :3