A/N: It's been a while, my friends. :) How has everybody been in recent months? I'm officially on break from uni now, so I have much more time to write. I really hope you enjoy this one, it was a bitch to write, but i'm pleased with the final product. Let me know what you think of it - a lot changes between characters in this chapter. A bigggg thank you to my BETA, Misty, for getting this back to me so quickly, and giving me more confidence in this type of writing style. :) As always, this chapter is in Bella's POV. Very soon you'll be hearing things from Edward's side ;) The next chapter will be up very soon - i've nearly finished it.
WARNING: There is drug use in this chapter. If you don't like it, sorry, but it needs to happen!
Chapter 4: Hometown Glory
Chapter Song: Hometown Glory (High Contrast Remix) by Adele
Bella, you've been having a lot of inner monologue moments lately. Now I'm sure you're also extremely aware that it's far from normal to be referring to yourself in third person, but it makes your thoughts easier to process. Do NOT think about Edward Cullen. Don't do it, Bella. You should know by now that thinking about him and all of his glorious god-like beauty won't get you anywhere seeing as you can't touch him, let alone be with him at all.
DO. NOT. THINK. ABOUT. EDWARD. CULLEN.
Ahh shit, I'm thinking about Edward Cullen.
It's damn near pathetic that everything in my world seemed to revolve around the seventeen year old boy that stole my heart and sanity when I was just fifteen. It was quite torturous considering the fact that we couldn't even be together… ignoring the fact that my reluctance to break up with Jacob is the major factor as to why. But I digress. I was dependent on him like my lungs needed air. It's a shame that today we've only ignored, fought or glared at each other – far from the morning where we were joking around while making pavlova in the Cullen kitchen.
When I called him an egotistical dickhead just before we walked into the classroom two hours ago, it was my way of telling him I missed him and I loved him so much it hurt.
Insane logic, right?
I mentally groaned long and loud, not really caring about the fact that I was in a school examination. My mind was far from being able to concentrate on scientific equations and methods.
This addiction isn't fucking healthy. Seriously. It's like I'm a drug addict, going through the worst case of withdrawals known to man. I'm going through the motions – the hot and cold flushes, aggravation, isolation, the aching need for another hit and willing to do anything to make that a mere possibility knowing that if I were to ever get a fix, I would want it again the moment it leaves my system. It would never be enough. I would never get enough of him.
To think of him touching someone else… being with someone else… it drives me crazy.
I wish this problem had to do with drug withdrawals. It would make my life a lot easier. I had a police chief for a father who could quite easily cuff me and send me off to rehab instantly. I could beat a drug addiction quite easily. Was love like this for everyone else in the world; an insatiable, infallible desperation to be with that person every minute of every day? Any moron could see that I was going through Edward Cullen withdrawals. I needed him so badly my body was calling out to him, twitching and pulsating and writhing for the need of his flesh against mine again.
No… This can't be normal. It just can't.
I looked down to the bundle of papers in front of me and sighed.
The most common method of transmission of the Giardia protozoan that causes diarrhoea is by…
Fuck me dead. I fucking detest exams, especially science ones. Who the hell wants to do a science exam first thing in the morning? Talk about fucked up.
Today's just fucking shit – and according to this examination question – quite literally.
I tapped my pencil relentlessly against the paper. Tap. Tap. Tap. Mother. Fucking. Tap.
Whatever was going through my pea for brains seemed to think that the more I tapped my pencil against the paper, the more I might be able to concentrate and, oh, I don't know, know the answers, perhaps? I was trying desperately to concentrate on this damn exam, but I couldn't when he was sitting directly behind me. The hairs that were standing on the back of my neck indicated to me that he was most definitely looking at me right now. The butterflies that made me want to throw up this morning's breakfast let me know that I wasn't subconsciously wishing he was.
He looks really fucking hot today.
I should probably invest in a swear jar. I'd be in debt to myself.
I made a quiet squeaking noise and tried to concentrate on my paper and not the piece of hunky man meat that was most definitely staring at the back of my head.
An example of a disease which is NOT vector borne is:
a) Malaria
b)Dengue fever
c) Cryptosporidium
d) Tapeworm
Um… maybe the next question would be gentler on my brain.
In England in 1776, Edward Jenner developed the first vaccination against the disease…
Shit!
Fuck science! Fuck it royally! Why the hell was I even doing this subject anyway? It wasn't like I was particularly good at the damn subject, or wanted to do something with it at college. I wish that Charlie was here so I could kick him square in the balls right now. I wanted to fucking stay home today and not be around people, but nooooooo. Charlie wanted me to join society again after locking myself in my room for the past week.
Damn my father and his unconditional love for me.
I really fucking hate my life right now.
To say that this past week has been a barrel of sunshine and lollipops would be a load of poopie. Not even joking around here. After that awful stint at Edward's gig, Jake took me home. I ended up crying the entire night, promptly scaring him off quite early into the night. After that, I vanished off the Forks radar which is pretty difficult to do considering how small the town is and followed the golden rule for mending a broken heart… eat until your heart has mended.
I think from my bulk shopping of all things chocolate, I managed to keep the supermarket financially afloat for the next six months but it didn't heal my bleeding heart. It did, however, cause me to gain a shit load of weight. I actually have boobs now! I didn't really care about the weight gain, for the most part. Maybe if I get fat, Jake would lose interest in me. Maybe he wouldn't want to touch me anymore and dump me - all because I don't have the guts to reciprocate.
To even wish that Jake would do such a thing proves how much of a cold hearted bitch I really am.
In addition to growing boobies and even a ghetto booty, I've missed an additional week of school, too. Today's my first proper day back. Upon my arrival, I got screamed at by Alice, glared at by Jasper, received the disappointed look from Emmett and completely ignored by Edward. The only person that I wanted to leave me alone didn't, and that was my poor, loving boyfriend, who was just worried for me.
He's sitting beside me as we speak. I didn't even want to look in his direction in fear that he'd be staring at me with lovey dovey eyes. I knew he sensed something really weird has been going on with me. It was only a matter of time before the truth, and the shit, would really hit the fan. I hoped it would.
It would honestly kill me to not have Jake in my life if we were to break up. While I admit that I'm not in love with Jake, he's still my best friend. My heart would still break over him inevitably hating me… but this love we have…it's like anchors are around my ankles, dragging me helplessly toward the bottom of the ocean. The pressure to stay with him was too much for me to handle anymore. I think part of me must really enjoy the complaining and sobbing and depression. Why else would I still be doing this now that Edward was well and truly in the picture indefinitely?
But I can't lose Jacob. I love him too much to ever lose him. I also didn't want to lose Edward, either.
I'm so selfish it's disgusting.
And let's not forget about the fact that a strawberry blonde named Tanya was in the picture, too.
Stupid strawberries and cream.
The fact that she has been so fucking nice to me since we met - besides when she was glaring daggers into my skull the night of Carlisle and Esme's wedding - has made me feel even worse for wanting to violate her boyfriend. I wanted to do everything physically possible with Edward – things I never thought I'd ever want to do with anyone sexually. It made me ashamed of myself. Was it normal for a seventeen year old to be this sexually frustrated?
"Ten minutes, folks." Mr Young chimed happily from behind his desk.
I rubbed my temples furiously, wishing I actually tried to study for this damn exam. I probably wouldn't be able to graduate junior year. Another year of this? No fucking thank you.
Mr Young's happy voice was replaced with a stern squeak.
"Emmett Cullen, get down from your desk immediately!" Emmett's booming laughter was followed by several hoots and applause. I hadn't known what he had done, for I stared with extreme aggravation at my fifty pages of exam paper before me. What the hell was I going to write on this damn test? I've missed out on most of the fucking curriculum! "Enough, students! Next person who talks or does something stupid during exam hours gets an immediate disqualification."
A soft murmur of sighs and ruffling of papers flooded the silent classroom as students tried to frantically complete their exams within the next ten minutes.
It took me a few minutes too long to realize that there were four sections to the exam and I had only done one.
FUCK!
I maniacally flipped through the pages, scribbling down half assed notes and pathetic graphs and diagrams.
I slipped my fingers underneath the scarf that was uncomfortably wrapped around my neck anxiously. It was another reminder of my sin… Edward's violent hickey. It hadn't even remotely dissipated since that night he latched his tongue and teeth to my skin like a vice grip. Lucky for me, Jacob hasn't found it odd that I've been suddenly walking around with a scarf for the past week in spring weather. Either he was entirely too trusting, or completely oblivious.
This damn scarf was a fucking noose around my neck.
Evaluate the impact of increasingly sophisticated medical technologies in the health system of the United States.
Yeah, this is fucking ridiculous.
"Pencils down, students. The exam is now over. People from the back, pass your papers to the person in front of you until it is eventually passed to the front. EMMETT MCCARTY, IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME…"
I sighed in defeat and threw my pencil down angrily. I was going to fail that fucking exam and repeat my junior year, I just know it.
"How did you do?" Jess asked me, turning around from the desk in front of me to eventually collect the rows papers. She didn't look like she was generally interested. It was probably because her group of skank bitches weren't around and she was making do with me.
"I highly doubt I'll even pass." I said truthfully.
"You always worry about your mark but you do well. You're a nerd like that. You always end up passing, with flying colors, really."
"Um…" What was I meant to say to that? "What about you?" I asked, not hiding the fact that I was less than enthusiastic about this conversation.
"I don't really care, it's not like I even want to do this fucking subject."
"Yep."
Well this has been a great conversation…
"You'll do fine," Angela said, who was sitting beside me. I always liked Angela. She was so nice and innocent and pure. "You look nervous about something. You all right?"
"Thanks Angie," I said, smiling. "Do you feel confident about your mark?"
"I think I'll do okay. I…" Angela and Jessica were staring wide eyed at something behind me. Or I should say someone. I felt a slow trickle of anticipation moving down my body.
I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder lightly.
I turned around, bracing myself for the impact of slamming into a brick wall.
I wasn't disappointed.
Edward was now kneeling beside me, looking at me with foreign emotion. His body warmth was rolling off him, radiating toward my now ice cold skin. I slowly took the papers from Edward's hands, and just as he was this morning, so damn hot he could melt fucking glaciers. He had his elbow on my desk and his chin resting on his palm. I passed the papers to Jessica without looking. I think I heard the papers dropping. I think I don't really care. Maybe my papers would mix with someone who would actually pass. Here's hoping.
I bit my lip subconsciously and stared at his attire. His black jeans were almost skin tight, red converse shoes touching the bottom of my chair leg. He was wearing a The Cure band shirt, and a faded, black leather jacket. His hair looked as if his fingers tousled and fiddled with the locks a thousand times during the exam. He was sex appeal, full stop.
"You look like you've seen a ghost." He said in a rough, husky voice. "What are you staring at?"
"I… I um… I like your shirt."
His eyes were now sparkling with amusement in the form of dark emeralds. Our fingers brushed, like a breeze in the wind caressing bare skin, like a secret. The briefest of touches, yet it sent an electric shock through my entire body. He was staring at the violet scarf around my neck and leaned forward slightly. I couldn't keep my eyes away from him.
"What's the scarf for?" he asked me innocently. The fire that ignited in his eyes was begging to burn me.
I narrowed my eyes.
"You know why it's there, Edward." Seething anger.
"If it's any consultation, I like it. The scarf, I mean. Good way of keeping whatever it is you seem to be hiding a secret."
"Don't start."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Amusement.
"Don't fucking start, Edward." Fury.
"Still there, isn't it? I sure know how to leave a mark." Smugness.
"God! Just fuck off!" I growled, throwing my bag over my shoulder and turning away from him.
I felt his hot breath in my ear. "You're really sexy when you're angry." When I turned around to look at him in genuine horror at his gutsiness, he was already walking over to Emmett and Jasper, who were laughing loudly about something.
Edward and I have a very weird love/hate relationship at the moment. More hate than love, though. I think that all of our anger towards the fact that being together isn't a possibility manifests into bickering and frustration. We've already had three fights today, one of them being when he bumped into me intentionally in the locker area, the second when he rolled his eyes at me when I mumbled apologies and lame excuses to Alice for being M.I.A, and the third being when I apparently didn't say hi to him in the car park this morning.
Everyone seemed to think that we hated each other.
I kind of wished they were right.
I rolled my eyes to myself, wishing I could shake this feeling away. I glanced over at Alice briefly, sensing her eyes on me, and when our eyes made contact, I felt my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. She didn't just witness what happened between Edward and I, did she?
No way. No fucking way! I was being damn paranoid right now.
There was no way she could have heard what we said, or even what he whispered to me I turned away from him. Even Jess and Angie wouldn't have heard what we were saying, it was that quiet. I was just worrying about nothing.
She was staring at me with a look in her eye I didn't like. She raised an eyebrow and mouthed the words 'we need to talk'. I felt like a child being scolded by their parent, or even a male who was expecting the third degree from his girlfriend.
I am so not used to being this dramatic.
"So since you decided to fucking go all M.I.A. and shit, we might as well fill you in on all of the goss that's happened recently."
"Thanks for letting us know you were alive, by the way."
"Yeah, nice to know you care enough to pick up the fucking phone every once in a while."
"We had to talk to your fucking Dad to get updates on, you know, you being alive."
"What is this? Pick on Bella day?" I mumbled in annoyance.
Alice rolled her eyes and started her story as she chewed on a piece of celery and peanut butter.
"So we had this party at our house the other night, yeah? Oh yeah, thanks for letting us know you weren't coming to that. It was some epic shit."
"For fucks sake." I sighed.
"Anyway," Alice interrupted. "Jessica, Lauren and the rest of the skank parade decided to invite themselves. So wasn't impressed with that, but I let it slide. Anyway, they came, on god knows what, blabbering on about how much they hate the world because they can't get fucked, blah, blah, fucking blah."
'I'm surprised Alice didn't kick them out once she knew they were on something."
"I wish I did. So then Jess came up to me thinking I gave a shit about her problems. We all have problems, and you know, I'm quite happy to help someone out… if it's a legitimate reason to be upset. You know what the fuck Jessica was going on about? Not wanting to be at my fucking party."
I tried to act interested, but in all honesty, I just didn't give a shit.
"So I was all like, 'if you didn't want to go to the party, why did you come?' and she was blabbering on and on about Mike fucking Newton of all people, drinking until she could barely stand up. It was fucking pathetic. She kept making goo-goo eyes at Edward, and it was all like, 'Uhh.. Aren't you depressed over the fact that Mike just got a girlfriend?' Seriously, who the fuck does that shit? I'm sure if anyone showed her any sort of interest she would have pounced on them in a heartbeat."
"Edward of course didn't do anything, but that might partially have to do with the fact that Tanya was sitting on his lap the entire night," Jasper said.
I winced. Definitely didn't want to hear that.
"He wouldn't cheat on Tanya with Jessica of all people."
You're most definitely right about that, Jazz… He'd cheat on strawberries and cream with me. And he has.
"She would throw herself at a cat if it showed interest." Ouch.
"She's a proper slut," Emmett said, grinning at me as Alice's eyes grew darker with anger.
"That's not very nice!" I said, looking away from Emmett and staring into space.
"What? It's true. And guess who had to be the fucking designated driver that night?" She raised her hand angrily. "Me! I was fucking scared to death she was going to puke in my Porsche. I just got the fucking car and it was fucking orgasmic, okay? Sexy black leather seats. Purrs like you wouldn't believe. Leather fucking seats. I kept saying to her 'Don't puke in my fucking car!' and you know what the bitch did?"
Alice was in one of her moods today. I tried to humor her, because I knew what would head in our direction if she lost her shit. I tried not to think about the fact that it might be because of Edward and I. I forced myself to look my best friend in the eye and raised an eyebrow in an attempt at curiosity.
"She fucking puked in my car!"
"She didn't." I sounded bored. I couldn't help it.
"You know what, you're not helping me at all," Alice said angrily, throwing a sliced piece of cucumber at my head. It slowly moved down my face, leaving a cold, wet trail behind. Emmett's laughter was so loud it echoed through the entire cafeteria.
"You crazy bitch!" I yelled, throwing a cherry tomato at her.
She easily dogged it, due to my lack of coordination. She glared at me, obviously forgetting about the fact that she started this shit first. Her eyes were now like slits. Shit was about to hit the fan and I wasn't in the mood to be on the receiving end. I stood up, ready to walk away.
"You and I need to talk." she said in a dangerously quiet voice.
"Later. I'm late for music." I muttered, leaving my tray of food in front of Emmett as I walked away from the group.
As I got my music books out of my locker, I jumped when I saw Jacob leaning beside me.
"Shit! You know I fucking hate it when you sneak up on me, Jake!"
"Sorry, sorry!" he said, staring at my scarf.
"What?" Fear was pouring out of me. I was scared to death as I watched his hands peel away my scarf. I know I should have fucking pulled away, and screamed at him for invading my damn privacy, but I was frozen. I couldn't fucking move as his eyes widened at the large hickey that was splattered across my neck like a canvas.
"What the fuck is that?" He growled, staring at the hickey like it was the piece of shit under his shoe.
Oh God. My dirty secret is out now. He's going to know that I cheated on him. He's going to find out everything now, all because I was too stupid and dumb.
"Bella, what the fuck is a hickey doing on your neck?" He was so angry he was visibly humming. I took short, shaky breaths, hearing my blood pump furiously in my ears. I didn't want him to find out this way – he shouldn't have found out this way!
"I… I…" I stammered, too scared of Jake's anger to really say anything.
"YOU FUCKING CHEATED ON ME?" He screamed, hitting my locker door with such strength he dented the metal. I blinked away my tears, scared of this Jacob.
Who was this Jacob? I had never seen him even get remotely close to the anger I was witnessing now. I did this to him. I'm the reason he's so angry.
I deserve everything that's coming.
No. Lie.
"What?" I asked myself.
Jacob narrowed his eyes, stepping impossibly closer to me. I tried to move away, but his hands were digging into my shoulders.
"How could you do this to me, Bella?"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" I screamed back at him, lying through my teeth.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" An angry voice sounded in the distance.
Oh God, this can't be happening!
Edward was storming toward us, Alice wide eyed behind him. I wondered what this situation looked like from the outside, with Jake pinning me against the locker, his arms digging into my shoulders so painfully I was sure I would be bruised. Tears in my eyes and him screaming at me.
I bet I looked like a victim.
I wanted him to hit me. I sure as hell deserved it.
"Get. Your. Hands. Off. Her." Edward said in a voice that would freeze mercury.
"Edward, it's fine," I said, not looking at him, and sounding way too calm.
"What the fuck is it your business, Cullen?" My boyfriend growled, looking at me.
"Get your fucking hands off her!"
"I didn't cheat on you!" I exclaimed in a quiet whisper, knowing that Jake was waiting for me to explain himself.
"Bullshit!"
"It was at Carlisle and Esme's wedding!" I yelled, trying to push him off me. He didn't budge, but I noticed the anger in his eyes turned to confusion. I was getting through to him. "You were drunk, okay? You latched onto my neck, and you were too drunk to remember it. I didn't want Charlie to see it so I've been wearing this fucking scarf since, okay? I didn't cheat on you."
I wasn't looking at Edward, but I knew that in lying about that night, I broke his heart all over again… but I couldn't hurt Jake. I just couldn't.
"You… You didn't cheat on me?" Jake sounded calm again.
Crisis averted.
"No, baby." I sounded so convincing it made me sick. Jake pulled me into a hug so tight I couldn't breathe. I looked over his shoulder, to the spot where Edward stood that was now empty.
Instead of talking to Alice after school, like I originally agreed to, I decided to go to a party with Jake.
I thought that it would have been a good distraction from what had happened, but really, I was downright pissed off and disgusted with myself.
Jake nearly found out the truth today and I should have been honest with him. I should have told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore, and that Edward Cullen stole my heart from the moment we started talking. I should have done the right thing. Instead, I ran like a coward. Part of me knew I was breaking the wrong heart, but I felt powerless to stop it.
I stared at my reflection in the passenger seat mirror, mentally glaring at my own reflection. The self loathing in my eyes was pretty fucking pathetic. I could see behind my innocent eyes - if that's what I dared to think of them as - I was dead on the inside. I wasn't a fool. There was nothing innocent about me. Nothing at all.
So why did everybody think I was some innocent, delicate piece of porcelain? It sure beats me.
Bella, Bella, Bella... You are a fucking moron.
I was a depressing parody of myself. I couldn't stand looking at my reflection any longer. How fucking pathetic. I couldn't even stand my own company for more than a minute without feeling sick to my stomach.
I've managed to establish countless times over the past few years, (these past few months, especially) how I am a glutton for punishment. There was always something I would beat myself up for over and now was no exception. I seriously think that I must subconsciously enjoy the emotional pain I put myself through just so I have something to complain about. Why else would I keep doing this?
I stared at my reflection once more and sighed before looking away permanently from the mirror.
My name is Isabella Swan... and I'm addicted to emotional pain.
Why are you doing this to me?" I snapped at my poor boyfriend, tapping my fingers angrily against the dashboard.
We were on our way to his friend Paul's house. There was only one problem; we were lost. Very lost. Bermuda triangle lost. I tapped his address into the GPS for the ninth time, growling obscenities when it told us to drive through the ocean to get to our destination... again.
"Fucking piece of shit nav man!"
"Baby," Jake said cheerfully, our argument earlier today long forgotten. "I love you, I really do, but you need to chill the fuck out. Can you do that for me? Just breathe in and relax. This is an adventure. You used to love it whenever I'd get lost driving."
I wish you'd get lost right now.
"It stopped being an adventure forty minutes ago, Jake. Why didn't we just walk there? It's ten minutes by foot to his house. Couldn't you have shown off you damn car another day?"
"Is it my fault that in order to drive you have to take a different route? You've had the flu for two weeks, Bells. I'm not going to make you walk there." His chirpy voice was quickly being replaced by anger. Good. A fight is just what I need right now. Utterly stupid to long for a fight with him when he nearly hit me today.
"Whatever," I hissed.
"God damn it!" He growled, slamming his hand against the dashboard. The intensity of the slap echoed in my mind over and over. I pictured him wishing that he was hitting me instead of the dashboard.
I tried to shake the scary thought from my mind, but it played over and over like a broken record.
All we seemed to do is fight nowadays and I know it's my fault.
"Bells, you're really starting to piss me off. I just didn't want you to walk while you can barely move. Like I said before."
"We both know that's a lie. You wanted to show off the rabbit. And you know what, Jake? It's called looking up directions and not relying on a fucking GPS that doesn't even calculate an accurate route!"
"Directions," he scoffed.
"What the fuck is it with men refusing to accept directions?"
"Could you stop fucking swearing? What the hell is wrong with you?" He yelled as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. "Who the hell have you become, Isabella? I barely even recognize the girl I fell in love with!"
"People change, Jake."
"Not to the point where they're unrecognizable. I see nothing in you that I saw when I fell for you. What the fuck has happened?"
"Stop the car."
"What?"
"Stop the fucking car!" I screamed.
Jake hit the brakes and, before the car had even come to a halt, I was already out of the seat and walking down the dark street. Jake was calling out my name, but I was too angry to respond.
I wasn't angry with him. After all, Jake's right. I've become a different person in recent weeks. Far less likable, that's for sure. Even Charlie couldn't handle being around me for more than ten seconds at a time. I just didn't know how to stop this disaster I created.
So I just keep creating turmoil and disasters around me, until it would be all I know how to do.
"Bella!"
The sound of his hand hitting the dashboard roared in my mind, scaring me out of my wits. I took a shaky breath, desperately trying to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Jake. You're hurting me," I whispered. He had his fingers digging into my arms, just like he had hours ago.
His vice grip immediately ceased. The rush of blood flowing back to my arm was wonderful. His hands ended up on my shoulders. I couldn't look at him. I was too scared to. I instead chose to look at my shoes.
"I'm sorry," He said almost inaudibly, nearly in a daze.
He apologized again when I didn't answer him. I couldn't look at him.
"For?"
"For hurting you. Again. For pissing you off. For everything. I just lost my cool, babe. I'm just worried I'm losing you. It won't happen again... I just... I miss you."
I shook my head angrily.
"Don't. Please don't, Jake."
I started walking again, needing to get away from him. I needed to sob and scream and get these emotions out of my system before I can talk to him calmly again.
"Where are you walking to, loca?" He asked as he made me stop walking again.
"Alice's," I said curtly.
He brushed his thumb against my lip tenderly. Guilt punched through my chest painfully.
What the fuck am I doing? How did I get to this moment, right here? I should have been honest with him.
"I'll drive you there. There's no way I'm letting you walk out here alone in the dark."
"No, it's all right. I uhh... I'm sorry."
"For what, baby?"
For being in love with Edward Cullen. For cheating on you on Carlisle and Esme's wedding night. For knowing I'd do it over again if I could. For putting you through all of my bullshit when you deserve so much more than I am willing to give you. And especially for deciding not to tell you the truth today.
I prompted for an easier reply.
"For being a bitch. It's just that this flu won't go away."
Even when I partly tell the truth, I still manage to lie.
"I'm sorry too. Do you want me to take you home?"
"Nah," I said, lacing his fingers through mine. I tried to sound a lot happier than I felt, because for once, I needed to stop being so selfish. "Let's find our way to Paul's."
Half an hour later we were settled into Paul's house.
He always held infamous house parties – strictly invites only – filled with shitloads of sex, booze, drugs and thumping loud music. There was always anticipation when his next party would be, and whether it would top the last. It always did. I was already well and truly on my way toward intoxication, dancing with a bottle of liquor in my hand.
I lifted the bottle of alcohol to my lips, not even wincing as the hard liquor rushed down my throat and eventually ran through my bloodstream. And boy, oh boy, could I feel it. My mind was racing a million miles an hour, but my body couldn't keep up. I kept tripping over my feet.
Who cares? It's a party!
"Fuck yeah!" I screamed, shaking my hips to the rhythm of the song.
I kept telling myself that I needed this... to just let loose and dance and drink my troubles away. I shook my hips to the thick bass line, not giving a damn about my well known lack of coordination. Nothing mattered right now except this moment of freedom. Not a pair of green eyes and bronze hair.
I slowed my dancing, feeling the buzz begin to leave me at the thought of...
Do NOT think about him, Bella!
"Bella, you sexy bitch! Get the hell over here!" Leah yelled, grinning from ear to ear. I squealed as I jumped into her arms, ecstatic to see her. Leah and I weren't the closest of friends, but we always enjoyed each other's company.
"What's goss, chica?"
"Sam and I broke up last night."
I stopped dancing and stared at her wide eyed.
No fucking way! I thought they were going to be walking down the damn aisle soon! This shit's insane!
"What? Why?" I gasped.
"I found out he was emotionally cheating on me."
What?
"Say what now?"
"You know... not physically cheating on your partner, but having love for someone else. I think that's worse than just sexual cheating, don't you think? Fucking scumbag."
My stomach dropped as her words felt far too coincidental to be brought up now. Does she know? She must know! Holy fucking shitballs, she's probably testing me right now! I took a deep breath and hugged her tightly, scared to death to talk. It seemed like way too much of a coincidence considering the shit that went down between Jake and I today. But Leah was like an open book… she made it obvious if she was pissed off with someone.
"Bella!" Jake called me over. I smiled sympathetically at Leah, but also damn glad I could leave her intense stare.
I was in the corner of the room, only just able to stand. It was well past two am now, and I had already consumed four alco-pops, a bottle of vodka and I may have smoked something. No idea what it was, but hey, it's a party!
Who motherfucking cares? It's a GREAT party!
"Oops!" I exclaimed when I dropped the bottle and its contents soaked into the carpet. Jake laughed wickedly, reaching for my hand. He licked the spilt liquid from my fingers, smirking at me innocently.
I laughed like a crazed women as Jake pressed himself against me. He was ready and willing for us to have sex right here and now, all anger from our heated argument gone. He was certainly taking my mind off things, that's for sure. Jake poked his tongue out and my eyes caught sight of the white pill in the center. I leaned forward, my tongue already salivating at the thought of ecstasy coursing through my veins.
My tongue light brushed against his, before the tablet slid down my throat seductively. I grinned against Jake's lips as he pulled me toward him.
For such a large boy, Jake sure knew how to move. He could make up for my dorky moves tenfold. I grinded against his hips, feeling free and blissfully unaware of my surroundings. The bass line thumped loudly from the speakers and vibrated against my toes. I felt like I was on cloud nine. Jake laced his fingers through mine and twirled me around a few times before he pressed my back against his chest.
I held a bottle of whiskey in my free hand, squealing the lyrics to the song. I think I even made up my own along the way.
Who cares? I'm off my fucking face!
"Another success, Paul," Embry beamed, brushing his knuckles against Paul's. Paul was grinning, taking in the intoxicated mess around him. There were bodies everywhere. Dancing, grinding, unconscious – you name it. Everybody was having a fucking fantastic time, yours truly included.
"Considering this was all done last minute, I'm pretty pleased."
I untangled myself from Jake, still laughing hysterically, and bear hugged Paul. He wrapped his arms around me steadily, laughing with me. Or at me. Not sure. Don't care.
"Easy there, Bella-boo. You're waaaasted!" He laughed.
I screamed my previous inner monologue aloud.
"Who motherfucking damn cares, it's a fucking party! WOO!"
I needed to touch everything right now. It's one of the perks of ecstasy, I guess. Everything felt so damn soft! I kissed him on the lips and screamed again, squirming my way into the center of the dance floor.
I could have been dancing for minutes, or hours for all I knew, but at one point, I could feel my body starting to crash on me. Bile started to rise in my throat and I was sweating like a fucking pig. Was that right? I mean, I've done ecstasy before, but never with all of the alcohol consumption and... shit... What else did I have?
It was only so I could forget about... him.
I stopped dancing, suddenly feeling extremely sober. It was as if time slowed down, and I was watching myself fall apart with realization.
No, no, no. Why did I do this?
Because of Edward. Because of him. It's always him.
"Bella! Bella!" I swear it's as if my mind was playing tricks on me. Was this a side effect of the drugs? Imagining things? Usually I just want to take my clothes off and fuck when I'm high.
"Bella!" Someone shook my shoulders furiously. I couldn't focus on anything. I felt like my heart was beating slower and slower. Something's wrong with me! When I looked up to the person who was shaking me, my eyes rolled to the back of my head. My entire body started convulsing, and I slipped into darkness.
