Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer and I do not own the rights to the Twilight Saga, Life and Death, or any of the accouterments in the series.

Chapter 3 – Motives

"So," a voice called from behind me. "What's it like, loving a shifter?"

I spun to see Kirill, standing a few feet behind me in a pose that would look far more casual if he was leaning against a tree.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your mate, Edythe, has called a few times about you in these last couple of months. She says you claim to have moved on with your life without her, that you're dating one of the shape-shifters that you have moved in with. So, what's it like to love a shifter?"

"It isn't like that." And it wasn't. Julie was my best friend, and while I wouldn't deny that I cared for her, deeply even – I wasn't in love with her, nor was I in a relationship with her. It was just that La Push was my only option left.

"Then why are you with her?"

"Because I can't be with Edythe," I spat the words angrily.

"Why not?"

"She deserves better."

Kirill looked at me speculatively. "What makes you believe there's better out there than you?"

My reply was instantaneous and honest. "Because she's good." I didn't bother to say the implied, I'm not.

His eyes narrowed slightly and then they shifted away looking off in the distance. He casually walked up until he was standing beside me. "Did you know that I'm the oldest amongst my siblings?" He didn't wait for an answer. "I was changed by Sampson sometime around 400 AD. I've lived through and seen things that many others never have. I doubt even the Volturi have seen the kind of things that I have. They simply couldn't have – given the way they live in their high castle and pretend to be saints. I can actually think of only a few vampires who've been around more than me. I suspect you may know two of them yourself. I don't need you to confirm it. Taavi, an actual descendant of Sampson's, was changed by him almost a hundred years after me, and Ivan, a good fifty years after that.

"We all loved Sampson. He was our maker, and he was this brilliant light of sorts... to all of us. Sadly, in 1196, he did something that we were unaware of. He turned a young child that was a mere three years old, Valerie. He kept the child a secret, not only from the Volturi, but from us as well. He managed to to hide the child for almost an entire two years. I have no clue how. Of course, you know what happened when the Volturi discovered the existence of the immortal girl. It was because of that event that we changed our diet. But what you likely don't know, is what happened immediately after they destroyed him.

"My brothers and I initially plotted our revenge. We contemplated many methods of how to kill Alec, how to kill Jane, how to kill Sulpicia... I must admit, we were overtly theatrical about all of our ideas. Eventually, we gave up our ideas." He sighed. "Not because we wanted to, but because we didn't have the talents we would need to pull such a thing off." He looked at me. "Our species is very instinctively based, in spite of the fact that we're a hundred times smarter than a human – or possibly because of it. It is not wrong for our species to seek out revenge. It's in our nature. It's something that all of us, who've lived long enough, feel at some point.

"Maybe it's because our mate is killed, or our maker... Maybe it's because we see some great injustice... Maybe it's because someone we love is hurt... Or perhaps they're just threatened. Whatever the case may be, Beau, when we seek out revenge, it's purely natural."

His words hit a cord, but I shook my head, because he was wrong. I hadn't done the thing I'd done because of revenge. I hadn't.

He arched an eyebrow, before reaching out and grabbing my shoulder. "Everyone in that house knows you killed your first human. For her. To save her life. The question is. Did you kill someone else for her too?" He looked back out at the Alaska terrain. "Come, let's hunt."

The hunting trip was uneventful. Unlike Jules, Kirill didn't monitor my every movement – he'd been hunting himself.

It did give me time to think a lot of things through... I wondered to myself that if perhaps what I'd done had been natural, even if it hadn't been about revenge? Did that make it slightly more acceptable? I knew it was unforgivable... but was it something that could be looked beyond if I did tell Edythe the truth?

I wasn't sure, and I knew I wasn't going to tell her what I'd done yet. But... It gave me hope. At least a little bit.

When we headed back to the house, he told me that if I ever wanted to come live in Denali, I could. I nodded my thanks at the offer, though I knew I wouldn't accept it. I had a home. Be it with the Cullens or with the wolves

Once we were back at their giant house, I sought out Edythe, who I found upstairs in one of the bedrooms on the second floor. I stepped up beside her, looking out the window with her and stared out at the giant firs and pine trees that covered the landscape – many of them in excess of two hundred feet tall. In the backdrop behind the trees I could see the giant mountain range, that – in spite of it being the dead of summer – was still more white than brown or green.

"It's beautiful here," I murmured.

"Yes, this area of Alaska, in spite of this giant mansion, is relatively untouched by man. It's left it mostly in it's natural order," she agreed.

I looked at Edythe out of the corner of my eye. "And none of it is as beautiful as you," I said softly.

"What?" She turned to look at me, her voice completely shocked.

I turned so I was facing her, in turn. "I... don't know what I'm doing. And I'm sorry for that. So sorry. I've lost my way somewhere, lost my step. I'm not sure how to make it back to that path... But, I miss you, Edythe. So much."

She looked into my eyes, looking for something that I wasn't sure she would find, but hoped it was there. "Please... Promise me this is for real. Promise me this isn't the mountains talking." What she said was more of a breath than actual words.

"Yes, I promise, Edythe."

She stepped closer to me, her feet almost on top of mine as she leaned forward and I leaned down in turn.

I don't know who kissed who. Her lips were on mine, our lips moving together, our tongues fighting for dominance in an entirely new way. She pressed me backwards with her hands, walking with me. My back hit the wall and then her hands were in my hair.

I pick her up around the back of her legs, so I could stand up straight as we continued kissing, our lips never parting. She wrapped her legs around my hips.

Somewhere, either below me or in my head, I heard a chuckle. I wasn't sure if it was Kirill, or some mental imagination of Archie. I ignored it.

Her hands slipped under my shirt, and as our lips parted briefly, she yanked it off. Then her lips were on mine again as I let my hands slide up under her shirt, feeling her smooth as satin skin with my fingers, just barely tracing up the side of her rib cage. I was about to touch her breasts when she moaned softly, her hips gyrating the slightest bit that I realized what we were doing.

Everything came back into sharp focus. I pulled back from her lips, my hands dropping back to her hips, grabbing and holding her in such a way that she wouldn't feel exactly how heady the lust was that was running between us. And that was what it was – lust.

"Edythe, we need to stop," I barely managed to make myself say the words that I really didn't want to.

Edythe looked up at me, a painful look in her eyes. "Why?"

"Because, if we continue like this right now..." I shook my head. "I know this isn't how you really want things to happen."

She sighed and pulled herself away from me.

The next two days passed in a blur. I got to know the five Denalis in that time – or I got to know four of them, anyways.

Kirill was an enigma. He was probably one of the most interesting mixes of strangely aloof and intensely intimate that I had ever met. In his eyes, one could see the world if they only looked hard enough. He told me stories about history, only it wasn't vampire history, it was history of other beings – werewolves and witches.

Ivan and I talked a few times, and in that short amount of time, two things became clear. The first, he blamed me for Lauren's death and didn't like me very much. The second, he couldn't have possibly been her mate. There was just something that wasn't there. In spite of his anger towards me, there was no fire for revenge, no desire to die, no real attachment at all... It also turned out that the vast majority of the paintings in the house were his creation.

Elena, who was about fifty years younger than Carine, was very interesting. She showed me artifacts and items that she had taken with her when she'd left the Volturi behind, telling me the history behind a couple of the vases that were in the dining room, pointing out one in particular that I hadn't initially noticed because of how plain it was was – a simple clay bowl with no paint or art of any kind – but as she pointed it out to me, she explained that it had actually been made by Alec and Jane when they'd been human. When I'd asked why she had it and not them, she explained that the item had meant nothing to the twins – explaining that the two were smart and very knowledgeable of the law, but that they had little concern for it in reality. They'd apparently only been twelve at the time they'd been turned, technically both considered adults back in that time period, but the reality was that they probably should have been a few years older before they were turned. She had explained there youth – the early stage of puberty – was a large part of why they were so vindictive.

Then there was Cameron. He was compassionate and empathetic in a way that reminded me far too much of Earnest. He was also the one that played the harp, which he demonstrated with extreme efficiency as Taavi sat at the piano and played. It turned out that Taavi was as good of a piano player as Edythe.

While with Taavi, the clear leader of the coven, I couldn't say I honestly made any headway with. Perhaps, if I'd come on my own, I might have actually like him... I didn't know. Unfortunately, every time I was in the room with him I just really wanted to smash his face in, let it heal, and do it all over again. And though I wasn't unfamiliar with violent desires anymore, it was a whole different kind of violence that I wanted this time.

After being there for the better part of three days, we left. The flight home was better as Edythe didn't tense up every time someone walked by. In fact, it felt light, hopeful even... At least it did to me.

We were driving back to Forks from Seattle in her Volvo and I was just about to tell her that I was ready to come home when she opened her mouth.

"I think there's something I should tell you, Beau." Her words were serious.

"What is it?" I asked, immediately on alert.

"There was an ulterior motive for having you go to the Denalis. Everything I said before was absolutely true. The tickets were about to expire, and I didn't want to offend our cousins... but the truth is that we knew that Victor was going to be in the area because Archie saw him in a vision. I talked with Jules when we discovered it. She was the one that actually suggested the tickets."

I flinched, half freezing in my seat. "So you lied?" They'd both lied, the feeling of betrayal was immediate.

"I didn't lie. I just didn't tell the whole truth. Beau, I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to lose you, and I'm worried what would happen if you got into a fight with Victor. Please don't blame me for wanting to protect you."

Her words were earnest and heartfelt. So I closed my eyes, counting backwards from ten and focused on letting go of the quick flash of annoyance that her... lie of omission, caused me. "I don't," I said once I was sure it was an honest answer.

We were quiet for a few minutes and I opened my mouth to tell her what I'd initially planned, but I closed my eyes and looked away instead. In spite of the fact that part of me wanted nothing more than to tell her I wanted to come home... I just couldn't say it anymore. But I desperately wanted her to ask me to come home. I wanted her to tell me anything that solidified that I wasn't the only one who had felt something while with the Denalis. I needed her to tell me she still loved me or for her to tell me we'd move forward from this. I'd even accept it if she told me to forget Jules, just any sign that there was still hope for us.

That wasn't what she said though when she finally opened her mouth just as we were on the final stretch to Forks. "You need me to move on without you, don't you?"

I closed my eyes, because it wasn't what I wanted at all, but how could I explain to her what I needed from her? If she couldn't understand what I'd been trying to make her see in Alaska, then how would she ever understand anything?

She continued when I didn't reply immediately. "That was what the kiss was about, right? You were saying goodbye right?"

The thing was, that hadn't been a goodbye kiss, and she should have known it. I'd given her a goodbye kiss before. If she couldn't tell the difference then what hope was there? I'd also promised her it was real.

So, in spite of it killing me, I said what she obviously wanted to hear. "Yes."

Part of me knew, if I could shed tears still, I would... because leaving and her moving on wasn't what I wanted at all.

The last ten minutes of the drive were pure torture, and as she pulled into the Cullen drive, I was out of the car before she had it completely stopped.

"Beau," she called.

In spite of every instinct screaming at me to take off before she dug the knife any deeper, I couldn't stop myself from turning toward her.

"If.. if Jules ever imprints or you ever change your mind... then you know how to find me."

Some part of my mind realized it was the life raft that I'd desperately wanted fifteen minutes ago. But it was too little and far too late, as every belief that I could never be good enough, and every doubt in her was back in full.

So I nodded mutely before I spun and raced away, heading straight to the little cabin that was mine.


AN: First and foremost, sorry. But this story is rated T... besides, you didn't think I'd make it that easy, did you?

I'm also unhappy that the chapter is so short, but it's where it needs to stop.

Finally, for anyone who was paying attention that has read the Official Guide. You may have noticed I changed some of the facts for the Denali brothers. According to the Guide, they were all changed in the early 1000s AD, while Sasha was changed sometime in the 900s AD. Sasha was then supposedly killed in the early 1000s AD, after creating Vasilii. It was because of the loss of their creator that they stopped killing humans. Yet there was one point that A) I know that Edward told Bella that they were over a thousand years old (either one of the books, an excerpt, or one of the movies) and B) they had supposedly been traditional incubus vampires for a long time before they switched to vegetarians, not just a few years. So as a result, I made them all older than the Guide. I also changed who was created first – there are several reasons for that change that you'd have to be in my head to understand.