AN: Firstly, if you get two emails again, I'M SORRY!
Secondly, I'm super sorry for how late this is! I got horribly sick last week, and then it took a while for the chapter to get flowing again afterwards, which is why it's not as long as they other. You guys have no idea how bad I feel about not getting the chapter out sooner! Forgive me?
Thirdly, XtremeFrolicker has agreed, graciously and wonderfull to beta this story, so a round of applause for her!
Fourth-ly, LONG review replies at the bottom, so skip over if you want!
And that should be about it, thanks for being so patient and thank you for the reviews and alerts! They made me feel healthy :)
-)-(-
The wind rattling the window caused Merlin to jerk awake. Blinking tiredly, he raised his head to look around the room. Morgana and Gwen were sitting by the fire, talking quietly and Arthur still hadn't returned. Yawning, he propped himself up, back aching, and stared out the window, trying to gauge what time it was. He blinked blearily at the darkened windows for a moment longer before looking around the room again. Surely it wasn't that late?
Frowning and rubbing at his eyes, he called out, "Gwen?"
"Merlin!" he heard footsteps and a sudden weight beside him caused him to flinch. Blinking his eyes clear he stared up at her and Morgana. "How you do you feel?"
"Tired," he mumbled. "How long have I been asleep?"
"A while, maybe an hour or two."
"Sorry about falling asleep, I didn't mean to."
"That's all right Merlin," said Morgana. "You need your rest."
"Yeah, but you came all the way up here to keep me company, and I've just slept most of the time away. It hardly seems fair." He lay back down, wincing as his back twinged painfully.
"Don't worry Merlin, we understand," said Gwen, frowning in concern, reaching a hand out towards his head, trying to comfort him. Flinching he ducked his head downwards into the pillow, trying to subtly avoid her hand. Looking back up at her he saw her face fall as she withdrew her hand.
Trying to think of something to distract her he asked, "Is Arthur back yet?"
Morgana shook her head. "He said that he would be back soon, but he hasn't returned."
"Did he say what he was doing? You didn't say why he left earlier."
"Uther requested his presence in the council chamber," she said, grimacing. "Arthur wasn't too pleased. He seemed set on causing a fight as soon as possible, despite my attempts to calm him down." Merlin bit his lip. "Don't worry Merlin; I'm sure nothing too dreadful has happened. Arthur's probably letting off steam after talking with Uther, he'll be back soon."
"Yeah..." Merlin nodded, doubtfully.
Morgana gave him a smile. "How about this, I'll go check what Arthur's doing while I fetch a book for you? Gwen can keep you company and I'll be able to find out whether or not Arthur's been an idiot or not."
"Really? Thanks my lady."
"You're welcome Merlin," she replied heading for the door.
After she had shut the door Gwen asked, "Are you hungry? We had some food brought up earlier if you'd like something. But if you don't feel like eating don't worry."
Merlin smiled at her reassuringly. "Sure, thanks Gwen."
Gwen nodded and got up and headed for the table. Returning she sat on the bed with a plate on her lap. "How do you..."
"I'll do it," he said, all ready pushing himself up. His back flexed painfully, stabs of pain shooting up and down his spine. Biting his lip to prevent himself from gasping or whimpering, he got himself mostly upright. "See?"
Gwen made a sceptical sound but passed him some bread. Chewing on it slowly he leant his head against the headboard, all ready feeling tired. His back still felt like it was on fire, but it had subdued slightly when he had stopped moving.
"You're taking this very well Merlin," commented Gwen softly. "I would be so upset if I was in your place, especially at Arthur. I don't think I could ever forgive him."
Merlin swallowed before sighing softly. "I don't think I am taking it well, Gwen," he said quietly. "I may not be showing it, but, I am upset. I am angry. But it won't do any good, it won't make it better, even if I did get upset and scream and cry." His mind flashed to his break down last night. Wincing he continued, "And...I haven't, completely, forgiven Arthur."
"But you were acting so close earlier, you didn't seem angry."
He grimaced. "I know, but...it's...easier to not think about it, and if I don't think about, I'm not angry. Does that make sense?"
"Sort of," she said hesitantly.
He sighed and shifted, trying to get more comfortable. "It's...it's kind of how you don't forgive your friend, or someone you're around a lot, but you still act the same, because it's just habit." He sighed. "If that makes any sense." He took another small bite if his bread. "Me and Arthur, we always act like that, so I kind of just fell into it, acting like I always do, it's easier. But, I haven't forgiven him. Not completely." He swallowed, fiddling with the piece of bread. "I...it's hard, Gwen. I want to, but after...it's...I..."
"Merlin," she sighed sadly, her hand gently taking his. He flinched involuntarily, hand back jerking slightly. She looked at him confused and hurt, taking her hand back once again.
"I'm sorry Gwen," he muttered, pulling his hand closer towards himself.
Gwen looked at him for a moment; confusion clear on her face before she gave a soft sigh and gave him a small smile. "It's all right Merlin." She picked up some cheese. "Here." She held it out.
Taking it, he gave her a small smile. "Thanks Gwen."
A moment of silence pervaded the room before Gwen straightened up and started talking. "You won't believe what happened on my way here this morning Merlin; it was the most remarkable thing..." She continued, talking about a kitchen chef's sordid affair with two women being revealed to his wife in the middle of the road. Merlin could tell she didn't particularly care for the topic, but she was making an effort to move past the awkwardness that had just happened, and that counted for a lot.
Shaking his head softly at her offer of more food he lowered himself on to his front again, still listening to the story. It wasn't great, but it was comforting, and that's what he wanted.
-)-(-
Arthur shivered as he followed Gaius. His clothes had quickly been soaked by the rain, and now the cold had sunk deep into his bones, causing strong, full body shivers. Rubbing his hands together he hurried in behind Gaius, who had opened the door to his rooms. Rushing to the fire he held his hands out, fingers inches from the flames. Glorious, glorious warmth!
Behind him Gaius wandered around the room, the sounds of draws opening and shutting. Glancing over his shoulder he saw Gaius head towards him with a bundle of clothes held in his hands.
"Here Sire, put these on while we wait for your clothes to dry," said Gaius holding the bundle out.
Frowning he took the bundle and placed it on a table besides him. Stripping his jacket, then shirt off, he quickly pulled the borrowed shirt on. Grimacing at the rough texture and the weird smell, he did the same thing with his pants, stripping his boots then pants off before sliding the other pair on. Shifting in discomfort at the fabric, he edged back closer towards the fire, trying to get as close as possible without burning himself.
Behind him he heard Gaius sigh before he strode forwards and bent to pick up Arthur's sodden clothing, which he had left in a pile on the ground. He frowned as Gaius hung them over the edge of a stand and placed it close to the fire. He hadn't thought about that.
"Wait, Gaius, shouldn't I be doing that?"
Gaius raised an eyebrow. "Do not worry Sire, it is fine."
"Are you sure?" It didn't seem right to have Gaius picking up after him. Gaius wasn't that young any more, and besides, Arthur wasn't a helpless child. He could look after himself!
Gaius waved a hand as he sat down. "Yes, Arthur. Now, how are you feeling? Any warmer?" he asked, while pulling a piece of parchment out and setting up an inkpot an quill.
Arthur nodded. "Yes, the fire has helped considerably. Thank you." He crossed his arms, trying to get warmer still, as he sat down. Feeling the fabric rub uncomfortably against his skin he asked, "Whose clothes are these any way? They're quite...old."
"They're Merlin's. I'm afraid I don't have any other clothes around for you to wear," Gaius said, dipping a quill into the inkpot. "Or at least, nothing else that would fit you as well. You're broader around the shoulder, but Merlin's length should compensate for that." Gaius glanced at him. "Are the clothes a problem?"
"Oh, no, they're fine, don't worry." He picked at a loose thread around the cuffs of the shirt, unsure of what to do. He felt a bit awkward, after being so open with Gaius about his father; he didn't know how to act or what to say.
"You seem a bit confused, Sire, is something amiss?" Gaius glanced up at him, hand pausing over the parchment.
"No, Gaius, everything is fine, thank you." Absently he reached out a hand to check his clothes. They had warmed, but were still damp. Sitting back he stared into the fire, fingers returning to the frayed shirt cuff. "Who are you writing to?"
Gaius sighed. "Hunith, Merlin's mother."
"You're telling her what happened?"
Gaius nodded. "I regularly write back to her, letting her know what Merlin has been doing and how he is."
Arthur nodded, feeling his stomach clench as he watched Gaius continue writing, the black ink shimmering in the fire light. He had only met Hunith once, that time when they helped Merlin protect his village, and he had been too busy trying to prepare the men to get a good measure of her character. When she found out that Merlin had been whipped would she be devastated? Angry?
Seeing Gaius dip his quill into the inkpot he came to a decision. "Gaius, I think perhaps... I should write to her." Gaius looked up at him. "It's my fault that Merlin was whipped, so it's my responsibility to tell Hunith. It's the least I can do." He frowned, staring determinedly at the parchment. "Besides I... owe her an apology for what I did to Merlin."
Gaius paused, and then nodded, handing over another piece of parchment and his quill and inkpot. Arthur nodded his thanks while picking up a book from beside him. Flattening the parchment over the book he hesitated, glancing up at Gaius, who was looking through some papers. Looking back towards his parchment he picked up another quill and dipped it into the inkpot. Bringing the quill down on to the page he paused again. What was he suppose to say?
Hunith,
I have written to inform you of an event that occurred a few days ago.
He paused. Was that too formal? Squinting at the page he continued.
Due to a misdemeanour on my own part, Merlin was punished by the King in my place. The form of the punishment, I'm pained to say, was for Merlin to be whipped.
He stopped. That didn't seem right. It seemed too... blunt. Scratching it out, he tried again.
It pains me to say, and I wish to convey my deepest regrets-
No, he thought, scratching it out. That sounded like Merlin was dead.
My father, the King, captured a sorcerer and when I protested against his form of punishment, I involved Merlin. I couldn't have foreseen what was to happen afterwards, and I hope that you will forgive me in my part for what has occurred-
He stopped. That wasn't right either. Scratching it out repeatedly, he tried once again.
-)-(-
The door opening caused Arthur to jump, the quill jerking in his hand and spitting ink over the page, which was now covered in scratched out sentences. Sighing in frustration he threw the quill down and dragged his hands through his hair.
"Gaius? Have you seen Arthur?" Morgana asked walking over, two books clasped in her hands. "Oh, there you are Arthur. Where have you been?"
"As shocking as it is," he said sarcastically. "I don't have to report my every movement to you, Morgana. I'm a grown man, if you haven't noticed."
"I might have, if you didn't act like such a child." Arthur glared at her. "What have you been doing? You've been gone for hours."
Arthur hesitated.
"I'm afraid it's my fault," said Gaius. "I was returning from my rounds and ran into Arthur, I asked him if he would accompany me back to my rooms and then we got distracted. I hope we didn't worry you."
Morgana shook her head. "No, we were just curious. From the way Arthur was acting we thought that he would return soon after he spoke to Uther."
"Well, I didn't," he said, getting up. "Give me a moment and we can return." He turned towards Gaius. "Gaius, thank you for allowing me to dry my clothes, and I'll finish that letter soon." He picked his clothes up, hastily folding them up and hiding the parchment amongst the folds.
"You're welcome Sire," said Gaius. "I'll be up in a few hours to examine Merlin's back again, so I shall see you then."
Arthur nodded. "I'll see you later then."
"Bye Gaius," called Morgana. Shutting the door behind him, he followed her towards his rooms, shivering slightly from the cold. He really hoped that Morgana had kept the fire going in his rooms, it was freezing!
"So what were you writing?" asked Morgana suddenly.
Arthur jumped, mentally cursing her. "It's nothing. Something I'm doing for Gaius."
"Oh?"
"And none of your business," he continued, hands shifting the bundle of clothing to his far side so Morgana couldn't snatch it from him.
Morgana laughed. "That's what you think."
"No Morgana. That's what I know." He held his clothes tighter and sped up. "Come on Morgana, we can't hover around here all day." He quickly rounded a corner. Just keep walking, he mentally told himself. If you don't stop, she can't ask too many questions. Knowing Morgana, once she found out about the letter, she become overly helpful and want to help him write it, and he didn't want or need her help. He would do it. He had to. He owed it to Merlin, and his mother.
Reaching his room pushed the door open and entered. Guinevere was sitting by his bed talking to Merlin who was smiling at something she had said. "Merlin, Guinevere," he greeted before hurrying over to his drawers and locking the clothes and parchment away securely. Turning he saw Morgana give him a knowing look as she sat down, placing the books beside her.
"Where have you been Sire?" asked Guinevere. "We were starting to worry."
He shrugged and leant against a bed post. "The meeting with my father took longer than expected, and then I got caught up with Gaius." He turned his head to look at Merlin, who was craning his neck to look at him. "Gaius also said he'd be up here in a few hours to check on your back."
"Okay Sire," said Merlin, a frown creeping on to his face. "Arthur?"
"Yes?"
"I'm curious...Why are you wearing my clothes?" Arthur froze as Guinevere and Morgana both turned to look at him more carefully.
"Um..." he coughed, trying to act nonchalant. "You must be mistaken Merlin. Gaius offered me these clothes while mine dried out. I got caught out by the rain and my own clothes were soaked. These were just at his disposal."
"No." Merlin shook his head. "You can see where I tore the left elbow and had to repair it, and the stain left by the wood polish that I could never get out." He pointed in the general direction of Arthur left elbow.
Arthur grinded his teeth, cursing Merlin's observational skills. "Well, I still think you're mistaken, but it doesn't matter whose clothes these are. They just had to do until I could change into my own. As I shall be doing now." He hurried across his room and ducked behind his screen. Stupid, overly observant despite being ill Merlin. Trust him to point out the obvious when it was least needed. Roughly pulling the shirt off, he felt it give suddenly with a soft ripping sound. Cursing under his breath he held it up. A rip had formed where the pieces of fabric met at the shoulder.
"Blast Merlin's skinny shoulders," he muttered. How was he going to explain that?
"Sire? Did you need a hand?" Jumping he hid the shirt before poking his head around the screen. Guinevere was on the other side, looking at him in concern. "We heard you talking, so I thought I'd offer my assistance." His eyebrows rose slightly. Seeing the look, her eyes widened. "Not that you need assistance getting changed, or that I'd simply intrude whilst you were, but-"
He interrupted. "Thank you Guinevere. Actually you could help. One moment." He pulled his head back and quickly dragged one of his own shirts on. Retrieving Merlin's shirt from where he had dropped it he stepped forwards, making sure he was still partially hidden by the screen.
"Guinevere, I was hoping, when you had a spare moment, could you repair this?" He held the shirt up. "It...is actually Merlin's," he admitted. "But I don't want him to find out that I've gone and ripped his clothing... on top of everything else I've done." He gave her a pleading look.
Pursing her lips, Guinevere took the shirt, fingers expertly prodding the tear. "It looks like your shoulders stretched the seams." She held the fabric in place. "Yes, I can fix this."
"Brilliant!" he dug around a pile of clothing at his feet, kept hidden by the screen. Fingers closing around on a coin, he straightened and held it out. "Here, payment for your services."
She gave him a confused look. "You don't have to pay me Arthur. I'm doing you a favour."
"Oh..." he frowned, slightly surprised, letting his hand dropping to his side. "Well...thank you Guinevere."
She smiled, hands folding the shirt up. "You're welcome Sire." With one last smile she turned and walked back over towards the bed. Feeling a smile edge at his lips he shook his head and continued to change behind the screen. He'd have to thank her in some other way.
-)-(-
Arthur sighed, relaxing into his chair, nursing a goblet of wine in his right hand. They had gotten a servant to fetch a bottle of wine while they had dinner and they were now seated around his bed, talking. Morgana was seated next to him on another chair while Guinevere was seated on the bed with Merlin, the only one not drinking, and was giggling merrily, hands clutching her goblet, as Merlin talked. Arthur couldn't quite make out what they were talking about because Merlin was talking into his pillow...and perhaps Arthur had drank just a little more than was polite.
Just then, Morgana sat up, one hand determinedly placing her goblet down. "Come, Gwen, it's getting late. You've still got to help me prepare for bed and get home."
Guinevere sighed sadly. "You're probably right my lady." She got up and wobbled. "You are definitely right." She shook her head, trying to clear it.
Morgana stood as well. "Sleep well Merlin, Arthur. We'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night my lady, Gwen." Merlin raised a hand in farewell.
Arthur followed them to the door. Smiling at Guinevere who clutched Merlin's shirt, and nodding towards Morgana, he said, "Good night Morgana, Guinevere."
Guinevere gave a small wave just as he shut the door. Smiling at the warm feeling that had blossomed throughout his chest, he turned away from the door and headed back towards the fire. They hadn't tended to the fire recently, so the logs had burnt down to embers. Bending down he stirred the fire with the poker before throwing another log on. Stretching he turned to Merlin, who was yawning tiredly.
"Is it time for bed yet?" he asked sleepily.
"Gaius is still supposed to come up and check your back."
Merlin groaned and buried his head into the pillow, muttering incomprehensively. Arthur grinned and sat on his chair, propping his feet up beside Merlin's arm. "Come on Merlin, you've done nothing all day, surely you can stay awake for a little bit longer."
"I don' wanna," came the muffled reply.
Arthur chuckled as a knock sounded from the door. Getting up, he trotted over to the door and opened it. "Gaius! You're just in time. Merlin is about to fall asleep." Hearing a muffled grunt of annoyance he grinned and shut the door behind Gaius and followed him back over to the bed.
Gaius set his bag down and pulled the blanket off Merlin's shoulders. Merlin flinched and cried out in protest. "Gaius!" Gaius mercilessly continued, hands peeling off the bandages, ignoring Merlin's flinches. Removing the last bandage, Gaius clinically examined Merlin's back, fingers carefully running around the edge of the cuts.
"How is his back healing?" asked Arthur, leaning against a bed post. The wounds were still a bright and vivid red, and looked like that hadn't started to heal at all.
"They're healing as well as can be expected. As I said, a month or two and they should be almost completely healed." Gaius reached for the jar of salve opening it before smearing the brown mixture over Merlin's back, covering the bright red marks.
Merlin whimpered softly, shoulders twitching. "It stings," he mumbled.
"It will," said Gaius simply, hand continuing to coat Merlin's back in the brown salve. Once his back was thoroughly covered, Gaius wiped his hand clean and started re-bandaging Merlin's back. Merlin continued to twitch and recoil from his touch, and Arthur could see his hands clench into fists, the muscles straining against his skin.
Once finished Gaius patted Merlin's arm, ignoring the flinch, then lifted the blanket back over Merlin's back. Merlin finally relaxed, hands unclenching and his back muscles loosening. "Now," he said. "Arthur told me you had a nightmare last night."
Merlin glanced at Arthur quickly, frowning. "It was nothing serious, Gaius, just a nightmare."
"Be that as it may, do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?"
Merlin shook his head, scowling. "It's nowhere near as serious as Morgana's nightmares-"
"Not all my tonics are as strong as the ones I make for her, Merlin," Gaius interrupted, pulling his bag on to his lap. "And you need your strength, which you will only get if you sleep. We can't have you relapsing on us." Gaius looked Merlin in the eye. "Do you want something to help you sleep?"
Merlin hesitated, fists clenching again for a moment before he gave a short sigh and nodded reluctantly. Gaius pulled a small vial out of his bag. "This should help prevent the nightmares for about a week, after that they shouldn't be too much of a problem," he said, helping Merlin sit up and drink the liquid. "If you feel any adverse effects let me know as soon as possible and I'll mix up a different blend."
"Okay Gaius," said Merlin shortly. He settled back down on to the bed, turning his head away from them. "Good night Gaius, Arthur."
Gaius reached out a hand hesitantly, resting it on Merlin's head. Merlin twitched but didn't turn around. Gaius sighed and removed his hand. "Good night Merlin. Sleep well." He shut his bag and got up.
"Thanks for that Gaius," said Arthur, softly. He walked Gaius to the door, glancing behind him towards the bed. "He's all right, right?"
Gaius nodded. "He is probably tired. He's been awake for most of the day so it's understandable. A good night's rest and he'll be fine."
Arthur nodded, opening the door. "Gaius..." The physician halted and looked at him. "Thank you again... for earlier...and for everything."
Gaius smiled. "Again, you are welcome. Good night Sire."
"Good night." Arthur shut the door and turned back to Merlin, scowling. "You didn't have to be so abrupt to Gaius, Merlin, he was trying to help. How you acted was uncalled for."
Merlin turned his head to glare at him, but didn't say anything.
Arthur glared back, annoyed. Yes Merlin was injured and probably tired, and yes Arthur was probably a little drunk, but he should have better manners than that, especially towards Gaius, and Arthur wasn't about to let him get away with it. "I don't know why you were so short with him, whether you were tired or angry about your back, but it's no reason to act like that to Gaius. He's done everything within his power to help you heal!"
"Just...go away Arthur," Merlin muttered, turning his head away again. "You don't understand."
"What don't I understand?" he asked.
Merlin remained silent.
"Well Merlin?" Merlin flinched, but turned to face him.
"I...don't want to need help!" he said. "I don't want people looking after me like I'm a child! I can still move, even if it is painful. I just...I don't want people to act like I can't take care of myself. I can! And with everyone...everyone keeps doing stuff for me, helping me eat, helping me drink, helping me sit up, helping me do everything! I hate it! I can still look after myself! Especially when I-" he stopped, shutting his eyes tightly and swallowing. Slowly he continued. "I just...hate being helpless."
Arthur sighed and sat down, his anger fading. "I guess I can understand that, but Merlin...you know we're only trying to help, right? We don't mean to act like you're incapable of looking after yourself, we just want you to get better as soon as possible...You understand that right?"
Merlin nodded. "I understand, I just don't like it." He glanced at Arthur before looking away. "Can I go to sleep now?"
Arthur resisted a sigh. "Sure, go ahead." He watched as Merlin shifted until he was comfortable, shutting his eyes and relaxing. Shaking his head, Arthur got up and walked around the room, blowing out all of the candles but one out. Coming back to stand in front of the cot he quickly changed before lifting the final candle and placing it beside Merlin. He knew Gaius had given something to Merlin to help him sleep, but the nurse had always placed a candle beside his bed after having a nightmare when he was younger, and it seemed to have helped him, maybe it would help Merlin.
"Good night Merlin." He turned away and slipped into his cot, facing away from the fire, it was too bright to try and sleep comfortably otherwise. His eyes landed on the drawers where his letter attempts were hidden. He frowned. He had meant to work on the letter tonight. He sighed and shifted, trying to get comfortable. He still had no idea what to write. If she was anything like Merlin, she would be horrified and angry, and would probably resent the fact that Merlin worked for the man who had caused him to be whipped and then hate him even more for writing to her. Would she demand that Merlin come home? He didn't want Merlin to leave; they had gone through so much together. If Merlin left...well...he wasn't sure, but he'd miss him. Perhaps even a lot.
-)-(-
Merlin opened his eyes slightly, checking to see if Arthur was looking at him. He wasn't, he was turned away from the fire, and so all Merlin could see was his back and the top of his head. Frowning, his eyes flicked to the candle that was now sitting on the bedside table. With the fire still burning it was almost too bright to get to sleep, especially with the candle right beside his head. But it was a...considerate gesture, especially when it came from Arthur.
Sighing softly, he looked back at Arthur. He felt so confused. About Arthur, about the whipping, about everything. On one hand he resented Arthur with every fibre of his being, for allowing him to come along, for not stopping the whipping, for not doing something.
On the other, though, he couldn't hate him. Arthur had protested, had tried to get him out of the punishment, had done so much to help Merlin, he just...couldn't stop the whipping. And Merlin couldn't hate him for that, as much as he had tried.
Clenching his eyes shut, Merlin took a deep breath. Yes, he couldn't hate Arthur, but, like he had told Gwen earlier, he didn't forgive Arthur, he couldn't. After all he had done for Arthur, after risking his life, Gaius' life, risking everything and everyone he cared about, the only thing that he got in return was permanent scarring, inside and out.
And now he wasn't even able to use magic to heal his back, or to do anything. If he did, Arthur, Gwen, Morgana, would all know instantly what he could do, what he was. He'd be burnt at the stake, or executed, or killed in some equally horrible way, despite everything he had done to protect Arthur and the kingdom.
And it wasn't fair! Magic seemed to be the only good thing in his life right now, and because someone was always around and fussing and poking and touching him, he couldn't even use it! Merlin opened his eyes and glared at the candle. It wasn't fair! None of it was! Life always dealt him the worst of everything and he was tired of it! Feeling his magic stir restlessly he shivered, basking in the feel. It felt wonderful, to feel the warmth, to feel the power. It made him feel a little bit less helpless, a little less pathetic. It didn't matter that Uther had whipped him, Merlin could destroy everything he cared about with a couple of words and a surge of power, and nothing Uther did could stop him. Merlin smiled, shutting his eyes and imagining what it could be like, not having to hide, or to lie or to pretend. To have Arthur, Gwen, Morgana, everyone, know who he was and what he could do.
Almost as soon as he imagined it, in its full detailed glory, he let it go. It could never happen. It would never happen. He knew what would happen if he gave in to the urge to do so. He would end up like Nimueh, dark and twisted, someone hateful. He didn't want to end up like that, and as tempting as the idea of destroying Uther was, if he destroyed Uther's kingdom, he was ultimately destroying Arthur's.
Merlin swallowed painfully, letting each and every thought and idea about hurting Uther disappear with it. Determinedly, he turned his thoughts away from the topic of Arthur. He couldn't think like this. It wouldn't change anything, and he couldn't act on any of the ideas, so he should just stop. Breathing unsteadily through his nose he turned his head away from the candle and buried his face into the pillow, ignoring the wetness that gathered beneath his eyes. Tears wouldn't change anything.
-)-(-
Review Replies:
Tianne: Aw, thanks for that! It's nice to know my writing's not horrible and that someone think's I'm mature. I have a large group of people saying I'm not, so it's a nice change. :) And yeah, I can understand how you could get frustrated with people like that, just wanting 'OMG, it's awesome!' reviews, although they ARE nice, they don't help you improve, which I hope I am from all the advice I'm getting, and I really like your method of reviewing, it makes a lot of sense. You advise them on what isn't great but then point out something they're doing great. Brilliant! :) Thanks for your support and your advise!
Shadow Chaser: Yeah, I can understand that about the chapter being rushed, I'm sorry if it was really difficult to read, I'm trying to improve! And I have a beta now hopefully! So hopefully the chapters will get better! About Merlin's forgiveness of Arthur, I hope I explained it a little bit better in this chapter, and I hope it makes sense to everyone, because it kind of does in my head. It's how I've seen a couple of people act, and I'm trying to make their actions as believeable and real as possible. I mean, wouldn't you WANT to forgive your friend, even if they did do something horrible? And yes, I was also amused with Morgana, but I reasoned it out like this: Morgana is hot tempered, but smart. Initally she would have been just as furious with Uther as Arthur is, but she's had a day or two to cool off, looking after Merlin and being away from Merlin, and she's gone through a similar experience of a friend suffering because of Uther's decisions (insert Gwen). So, she'd know what type of man Uther is: the real, hot tempered, rash, flawed man, which I have a feeling Arthur hasn't fully realised about Uther yet, and she'd want to protect Merlin and Arthur from Uther's ruthlessness, so she'd be the calm head in the situation when Arthur wasn't. Does that make sense? I hope it does... And the thing about Merlin accomplished two things: It added a bit of humour to a grim situation, and it showed how Uther cares very little for those he doesn't care for, despite who they are. Yes, they've had moments together, but to Uther Merlin's a bumbling idiot of a servant that he occasionally sees tagging along with Arthur, and I'm sure Uther is too busy running the kingdom to remember every servants name. It's kind of about his priorities, Merlin isn't high on his list, so Uther doesn't do much for or about him. Soo, I hope that's cleared up some stuff for you :) thanks for your review!
MerlinStar: Thanks! I thought the conversation between Merlin and Arthur would be a little too UNrealistic, so it's nice to know it wasn't. As for the other conversations, this is how I rationaled it. For the conversation between Uther and Arthur, I think that Uther will always be sentimental and different when talking about Arthur in anyway. As a child: he'd be sentimental, as a prince: he'd be stern, or something like that, so I don't see it as too much out of character. Season Two as only just recently started where I am, and I've *hem* watched a few episodes on YouTube, and I've seen how dramatic a change Uther can through personality-wise when Arthur's concerned, and to be completely honest and brutal, Uther does not care about Merlin, having a servant whipped will have no effect on him. He was willinging to let Merlin die from the poison in episode 4 (?), even though Arthur had the cure right there, and I don't think he realised how close Arthur and Merlin are, or how profound the effect of having Merlin whipped would be on Arthur. As for the conversation between Gaius and Arthur I saw it more as a chance for Gaius to have his say. He's usually so restricted by status and Arthur being a prince, that he seized on the chance a little too strongly, and the Gaius in my head is slightly smacking himself in the head, but he's better at hiding it than most so the Arthur in my head hasn't realised. AND too be completely honest, Gaius is influencing Arthur in a way he wants. I know it sounds bad, but Gaius does NOT want another Uther around so he's hoping that by being open and trustworthy now, when all the problems arise, Arthur will have enough information and knowledge to make the right decisions, because you know how badly stories go when the hero doesn't know enough about something and when everything climaxes, every bit of information helps!...I hope that makes sense, it does in my head, but it's a little awkward to explain, especially while on medicine :) And thank you for the offer of being my beta but I all ready asked XtremeFrolicker! I'll keep you in mind though! Thanks for the offer and the review!
goodytwofangs: Thanks so much for your review! It's what edged me on to start writing again while I was recovering! It was exactly what I need! Your's was officially my favourite review for this chapter! As for your comments about my characterisation, thank you so much! I keep thinking I'm getting out of character every time I start writing, but reviews like your's are encouraging! I am a little worried though, because as I keep going, Arthur and Merlin are going to change - after what they've been through it's pretty much expected - so I'm a bit terrified that they'll deviate too much from the originals....Make me a promise? As soon as they start changing too much, TELL ME! It would be greatly appreciated!
XtremeFrolicker: AWESOME! That's so incredibly amazing that you'll beta! I would have sent you this one, but I don't have any way of contacting you, hint hint! :) And I hope your finals have gone well! I crossed my fingers for you :D and really? wow, not liking anime...admitedly, I only like a select group of anime so I guess I can kind of relate :) I'll talk to you soon!
