TITLE: The Highwayman

PART: 4, I Fly a Star Ship

AN: I realize Nilhlus appears when the Normandy is about to launch on her shakedown cruise. I just wanted to add a little more background to the story. My goodness this was a difficult part to write. I'm not really sure if I'm even close. But it feels right, so that's something I guess. It'd be awesome if you left some feedback. Cheers.


"I fly a star ship across the Universe divide

And when I reach the other side

I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can

Perhaps I may become a highwayman again

Or I may simply be a single drop of rain

But I will remain

And I'll be back again, and again and again and again"


Earth: 2183, Vancouver

It began on a spring day, with the sun rising over the mountains in a cloudless sky. The first rays of the morning sun shone over the Alliance docking facility and glimmered across the hull of the Alliance's newest frigate, the SSV SR-1 Normandy.

At precisely oh five hundred hours, commander selectee John Shepard entered the docking area by returning the guard's salute and proceeding down the stairs. Although he can feel the guard's eyes on his back, no amount of military decorum can stop his feet from moving impatiently toward the ship.

Tall and handsome his confident strides move him quickly to her. Once inside, with the hatch closed behind him, he stops to pull in a deep breath of ship's air. She is new, sexy, and powerful and he is her first officer.

He'd worked his ass off for this assignment. Yet, it still takes him by surprise, to be standing here on her deck. With the hum of her systems soaking into his skin and imprinting themselves on his heart. For a long moment, he closed his eyes, placed his hand on a bulkhead, and allows it become a part of him. There is no doubt in his mind she will prove a stern mistress.

"You okay, son?"

The gravelly male voice behind him shook him out of his reverie and he turned quickly in response to Captain David Anderson's question.

"Fine, sir. Just enjoying the moment."

Anderson chuckled and stuck his hand out, "Did the very same thing when they gave her to me. Welcome aboard, Commander."

The two men shook hands, shared a smile, and acknowledged a moment of recognition.

"Come on, I'll show you around," the Captain offered, as if they both hadn't studied the schematics and walked her decks a hundred times during construction. Turning toward the younger man, he gave him a conspiratorial wink, "And, later I'll buy you a drink. I know where the good stuff is stored. 'Course, it won't be too long before some enterprising sailor sets up a still."

Shepard glanced at him sideways, "And your standing orders on that, sir?"

"Anything you think I need to know that endangers the ship or crew, you need to tell me about. Otherwise, I trust your judgment," and waggled his eyebrows. "Anything to report?"

"Crew will begin checking in at 1200 hours, dock departure scheduled for 1800. All boards green, sir."

Anderson nodded, and then waved his hand, indicating Shepard to lead the way, "Let's take a walk."

"Engineering first, sir?"

"You read my mind, Commander."

It was past midnight when Commander Shepard headed toward his own quarters, wedged between the main battery and the mess hall, it was anything but quiet. Shepard landed on the bed fully clothed and to his surprise didn't fall immediately asleep. Instead he lay staring up at the ceiling.

Between his going away party, closing out the paperwork on his last billet, meeting Captain Anderson and getting the ship and crew squared away he'd been awake for almost 48 hours. Somewhere during that time, he'd had too much to drink. By the end of the farewell party that only occurred when it was time to get back to duty, he realized he'd come full circle and was himself sober again.

As he toed off his boots and punched up a pillow, he wondered if he might dream about her again tonight. Although, he doubted he had the energy to conjure up something as simple as a dream. Nevertheless, those blue eyes were staring intently into as he drifted off.

The dream always began the same way. Intense eyes and fingers twisting together. She – he thought it was a female – never spoke. But, he could never shake the feeling that she was looking for him, or that she needed him for something. He never saw a face, or heard a name. Just those silvery blue eyes and anxious hands.

Several hours later, Shepard woke in a tangle of sheets. After extricating himself from the bed, he showered, shaved, and pulled on a clean uniform. A frisson of excitement slipped down his spine when the doors to his quarters opened to his first day as the Normandy's first officer. This was what he'd been working for. Focusing his thoughts on the day, he headed toward the Galley for some coffee. Still, the shining blue eyes and the twisted hands stayed with him.

As time went by, Commander Shepard thrived under Anderson's mentorship. The Normandy was his life and he knew every inch of her and every sound. He treated her like a wife… better than a wife. Therefore, there was no question crew members could throw at him that he couldn't answer. Almost no problem he couldn't solve. He knew the best person to pick for a team no matter the mission requirements. The crew followed his orders and worked well together. After duty hours, he noted the crew often came together for a game of cards or to watch a sporting event. Although, they often invited him to join, he never did.

While the goals he'd set for himself were high, he'd achieved every one of them. Between paperwork, crew training, missions and staying fit he had no time for relationships or even something as simple as a good night's sleep. Although he'd served on several ships, been in command, and experienced many missions, for the first time he felt as if he were home… this is where he belonged. He loved every minute of time spent on the Normandy.

Then one day a different kind of test came his way. It came on a normal day when he found himself unexpectedly thrust into the midst of political intrigue happening at the highest level of government. Without warning he didn't know whom to trust and what had once been truth was now questionable. What had once been military protocol and straightforward regulations were wiped away in a flood of mystery and controversy.

It began with him receiving a summons to the bridge with orders to be kitted out for a mission. That was easy, he donned his armor, shouldered his weapons and headed forward. What he found there was a surprise, because normally a first officer manages the ship's manifest. There should be no one aboard he doesn't know about. Yet, standing in the center of the bridge as if he intended to assume command stood the turian Specter Nihlus Kryik. Shepard looked to Anderson for an explanation; instead Nihlus began giving directions and orders.

At a look from his commanding officer, Shepard glanced back at Nihlus, crossed his arms over his chest and waited. Although he never took his eyes from the turian's unreadable face. His mind worked over the problem. What had Anderson not told him? What was his role in this? Should he have seen this coming? Shepard wasn't ignorant of a Specter's wide ranging abilities and discretionary freedom, but he'd be damned if he just hand the ship over to the turian.

It was a testament to their working relationship that a quiet word from Anderson pulled his first officer back from a confrontation with the Specter.

That was Shepard, Anderson thought with a smile he kept to himself. Afraid of nothing and no one, not even the highest decorated Specter in The Alliance. A turian who'd been a soldier before Shepard was born and here was his XO ready to square off with him.

"Commander, hear him out. We've received new orders," Anderson said quietly.

"Aye, sir," Shepard drawled and turned back to the Specter, eyebrows raised.

The results of the entire mission brought several surprises into his life. They made him a Spector and gave him command of the Normandy. It was the biggest responsibility he'd ever shouldered. To his credit and training he squared his shoulders, reset his goals and attempted to take the situation in stride. The Council had better be careful about what they wished for, he wasn't afraid of responsibility or saying exactly what was on his mind.

Tasked with tracking down a criminal, he found the new role of detective interesting and intriguing. It brought him into contact with another turian named Garrus Vakarian. It was his detective work on the Citadel and on a mission to Eden Prime, searching for a man named Saren which brought new people into his life and his crew.

There was Ashley Williams, an incredibly brave soldier they found on Eden Prime, fighting all alone as if she could take on the world. Garrus Vakarian, a turian C-Sec Officer who stepped to his side and fought shoulder to shoulder with him as if he belonged there.

There was also the Normandy's crew. Until now he'd thought of them rather impersonally as parts of a machine that created a functioning ship. Kaidan Alenko, who looked at him from under his lashes with a smile that spoke of something more than friendship. Joker, the ship's pilot, who had begun to tease him and show a sense of humor Shepard had never seen before.

~o0o~

One day on the Citadel, with Garrus and Kaidan by his side they followed a trail of information about a wanted criminal named Saren. They'd finally found a lead on his whereabouts. They entered a corridor to the sound of weapon's fire and found a lone quarian, caught in crossfire and fighting for her life.

Without a second thought the trio assisted the quarian by killing the men. He watched her shoulders relax, as she located the source of her saviour and approached him. It bothered him that he couldn't see her face, but he could see her hands.

They took each other's measure. He wanted to see her face, she could see his. He wondered if he looked familiar to her?

She asked him if she could help him track down Saren. The Commander could see what she was capable of, she said and promised to be an asset to his mission.

He wanted to see her face, so he stared at her as if by simple force of will he could see through her mask and helmet. The spark of recognition ignited a fire in his belly. His heart warmed to her plight, his arms ached to embrace her, his intellect wanted to learn everything about her and quiet her fears.

Yes, Commander Shepard said. Please come with me to the Normandy. Garrus, too. I need you both.

This was how Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah nar Rayya became members of his crew. They fought by his side and helped him achieve success. There was Garrus, and Tali, Joker and Kaidan, Doctor Chakwas, Liara T'Soni and Wrex. They were his crew, his ship and his friends… his family. Friends and family were strange concepts to him. Civilians aboard a military frigate equally strange.

It was those memories that helped him survive the horror of dying alongside his beloved Normandy in space. Both of them lost and alone now, captured in the unforgiving arms of Space. Just before his vision faded, he'd watched her explode and just beyond her broken bleeding hull, he saw the escape pods fleeing to safety. At least his crew was safe. Those blue eyes glittering with tears stared back at him as his sight faded and he took a final breath.

On the day before they were to face the foe they had pursued for many weeks, he spoke with Tali for what he thought might be the last time. If they were to die tomorrow, he wanted her to know what was in his mind and heart. He approached her as he often did after a mission to speak to her. Her hands told him she was nervous.

I'm nervous, too. Touching one of her gloved hands her anxious movements stilled.

"Tali?" What can I do, what can I say that will make you understand what you've come to mean to me?

She reached for his hands and they clasped hands and pulling each other closer.

"I want to see your face," he said.

"I want it to be real, she replied, weaving her fingers through his. I want to feel your skin against mine. But you could find someone else, who could make you happy…" Someone better than a quarian...someone more worthy of you than a poor 'Fleet girl.

You make me happy, my brave and brilliant woman-child. "I don't what anyone else, I want you," he said softly against the cloth of her helmet and slide his arms slowly and gently around her. He'd found her, the woman in his dreams. Tali was her name and she felt so good in his arms and in the way she clung to him. They were both under pressure to be perfect, when they were alone they could be a little vulnerable with each other, laugh, and be easy together.

"If I can find a way not to die…"

But he was shaking his head and placing his hands on the sides of her face plate, You will not die from our being together. I will not allow it. "Will you come to me?"

"Yes…" she said. "I will find a way."

~o0o~

When she walked through the door of his quarters they both understand why she is here. Tonight is the night and now is the time. His uniform was his armor and his second skin. He'd worn it every day since he'd turned 18. Just now, reaching for her busy fingers the familiar cloth against his skin felt like an unwanted barrier.

She responded to his touch and he can feel her trembling. "It's okay," he says, "Come here." And with one hand he reaches for the buckles along her ribcage. He wants so much to touch her and see her face. Instead, she takes his hand and pulls him toward the bed.

She talks too much, she says. It's stupid and…

Shepard touches the edges of her faceplate. The girl in his dreams is inside, he knows it, feels it and needs only to lift away the veil. It's not only desire which pulses along his nerves and heats his blood, but also the knowledge that this is where he belongs.

She stops talking and stiffens.

He pauses.

"I've waited so long for you, Tali."

"I know, Shepard… I know." Then she says one more word, "Please?"

The face plate lifts away and as she blinks in the light he sees an elfin face and blue eyes. She's staring at him, as if he has all the answers because, he reminds himself, this is her first time and he must be gentle with her. Go slow and let her become accustomed to his touch. He knows, with a stinging moisture in his eyes, that he is willing to spend the rest of his life doing just that, because he will never tire of touching her. Three years ago, he would not have been worthy of this innocent love she offered him. He's ready now and the realization humbles him.

The face plate lands on the bed and suddenly he's on his back and she is kissing him, straddling him with her hands clamped on his shoulders and holding him down.

Forcing himself to relax he lays still and allows her to set the pace. When she pulls back with a frown, he realizes, that he is so distracted with everything else about her, he hasn't returned the kiss.

"Am I doing it wrong?" She asks.

Her question is so endearing and so new to him; he wants to spend the rest of the night answering her. His response is to plunge his hands into her hood, until his fingers meet on the back of her head and push it back from her face. A cascade of ebony hair spills over her shoulders.

With his hand curled into her soft hair and the other on the back of her neck, he pulls her down and kisses her. The kiss is filled with longing, desire, and all the experience of every kiss he's ever shared. He's stored a few disappointments up over the years and tonight he plans to vanquish every unsaid word, every lonely night or empty morning.

Spicy and sharp on his tongue, she tasted different. Her skin smells of cinnamon and orange and fills his head and mouth with a fresh and wonderful scent. The suit opens at the neck, now that the helmet and hood are pulled away. Shepard follows the opening of her suit with kisses. Her strong hands pull at his clothes, so he stops short of exposing her breasts to discard his shirt. Now, she will get her wish, because the suit opens easily and when his bare chest rests on her petite form he buries his face in her hair, as he feels her body mold to his.

"Are you alright?" He asks between kisses. With the confidence he sees reflected in her eyes and the hands that smooth over his skin, he sits them both up to remove the suit from her arms and hands.

When he reveals her strong three fingered hands, he kisses one of her palms. "Tali, I want these hands on me." With his hands cupping her face, he kisses her quickly, "Take what you wish from me."

She nods then looks away.

He catches her face and forces it back to look at him. "What is it?"

"I wasn't sure… Shepard. I wasn't sure… if…"

"Tali, tell me." He said gently smoothing her hair back from her face.

"If you liked what you found… under my helmet… I didn't know if you find me attractive."

He laughed, tucked her head under his chin, pulled her onto his lap and held her close.

~o0o~

The young man who had learned the painful lesson that to survive it was easier if you kept your heart closed and feelings to yourself. To rely on yourself and no one else prevented the inevitable relationship disappointments. Who'd set nearly super-human goals for himself and achieved them. Created a brilliant military career for himself and gained fame, he didn't want and respect that he did. He began to realize, one morning as he awoke with Tali draped across his chest, that he'd been wrong all along.

If he had set unreachable goals for himself, people like Garrus, Tali, Grunt, and Wrex had helped him achieve them. With Cerberus, he'd kept his guard up. Yet, Tali had found her way into his heart and his life. The day Garrus took a direct hit from a missile. Then witnessed a selfless and courageous act when James crashed a shuttle to prevent a criminal from escaping and his heart softened. Watching that same criminal beat Kaidan Alenko nearly to death against the side of the shuttle made him realize that he'd actually and for the first time, fallen in love. He loved his crew and he loved Tali. He'd carried Kaidan back to MedBay in himself and didn't let go of him until Liara forced him to face the fact they had only one chance to save him.

As he rolled Tali over on her back and kissed her awake, he understood that she hadn't need him at all, quite the opposite, because this little quarian girl had taught him how to love.

~o0o~

And it ended on a day when the sky was filled with fire and ash. Pure evil blotted out the sun and filled the air with death and terror. Earth was burning and it was up to him to quiet the flames

On that final day he donned his armor and wondered what he could possibly say to his crew that would let them know that he understood it was time for him to give back the gifts he'd received from them. He'd always known, a happy-ever-after with Tali or anyone else could never be his fate.

One by one he bid farewell to his crew. James promised him he was ready to die to save earth. Shepard understood, but James didn't have to worry. It was Shepard's fate and he would walk bravely toward it.

Kaidan hugged him, Liara shared her thoughts with him and Garrus promised to meet him at the bar in heaven.

I can do that, old friend. I'll wait for you there.

Tali wept in his arms and asked for more time. I'm sorry, my beautiful brave girl. There is no more time for us.

Shepard ran toward the evil. I'm coming for you, he thought. I will end you, now, today, so that the people I love can live. So the people of earth can live. So the quarians and the turians and asari can live. I will end you.

He touched her face one more time, "I love you. Go make a home for yourself on Rannoch."

"I already have a home!" She replied.

I will always be with you, Tali. Always.

And Commander Shepard ran from the blue-eyed girl with the gentle still hands and took evil by the throat. When the smoke and ash cleared, he was gone and all the remained was peace and the living. And the sun broke through darkness.

When Tali was finally able to lay down her weapon, she looked up at the sun and let it warm her. Tears fell unheeded down her face.

A sudden warmth, which had nothing to do with the sun embraced her. A single drop of rain landed on her face plate. She held out her hands when rain began to fall all around her.

It came down harder and faster with each passing moment, until she was drenched in it. A broken heart began to heal as she watched the rain begin to wash away the blood and ash.

Standing in the center of an empty street, Tali hugged herself. While in the distance she watched Garrus walk toward her. Then Liara joined them. Wrex and Grunt, James, Steve and Kaidan closed the circle.

Spring flowers hidden from the violence raised their bright heads toward the sky.

People began calling to one another.

And life continued.