CHAPTER 4
The three boys of Scorpion stood blinking in the dimness of the chicken coop for a few minutes while eyeing each other up and down.
"Just a guess. But I think this is probably how the phrase 'chickening out' originated," Toby deadpanned as a puff of down drifted from the brim of his hat and past his cheek before gently coming to rest on his shoulder.
They all began snickering quietly. "Okay. Uh, one of us needs to hatch a plan," Walter said with an expectant look, but his comment only caused the others to groan softly and roll their eyes.
Toby shook his head and muttered, "What have I told you about trying to be funny, 197?"
Interrupting with a chuckle, Sylvester added, "I'm not going to brood about it, but we'd all better shake our tail feathers…"
Not to be outdone, Toby snorted, "Way to egg him on, Sly!" Then added, "Well, this might ruffle a few feathers, but couldn't we just cross the road and get to the other side?"
"That idea was… was n-nothing to crow about!" Sylvester finished and they all just lost it. Any control they had flew the coop.
When the three of them could breathe again, Toby said mock soberly, "What I'd like to know is which of our purchases was so important it made you lose your dignity, and one might say risk your very life, to save it, Walt? Was it the John Wayne bobble head you bought for Cabe? Hmm? In total it was less than a hundred dollars worth of cheap and completely replaceable crap."
"Technically it only cost seventy-eight dollars and twelve cents including the bag. But it sounds more valuable in pesos… That's one thousand four hundred eighty-five pesos and thirty-six centavos. Just in case you were wondering." The human calculator blurted out, unable to help himself.
"We weren't," Toby said, before turning back to Walter, "So… what exactly were you so keen to save?"
Ignoring the question, Walter said, "Maybe we should brush off as best as we can and just head home now…"
"Don't even think about it! We aren't giving up now! There is way too much blood in my alcohol for one thing and I've only seen one scantily clad woman all night! And that was purely by accident! And it nearly got us killed! You owe me, O'Brien! You were married to my fiancée while I was dating her and didn't even tell me! You can't let this sorry excuse for a stag night pass as my only bachelor party ever!" Toby demanded emphatically forgetting to modulate his voice.
All impatience, Walter hissed, "Well, what do you suggest? We are covered in fruit juice and filth and now feathers. What can we do in this condition except go home?"
"I second that," Sylvester added.
"Well, that motion doesn't carry. I say we find somewhere to wash up and buy clean shirts. I'm not going anywhere until I visit the infamous Zona Norte. You guys can head back if you want, but you two wienies get to explain to Happy why you returned without her groom."
"We can't go back to the market. Not with that fruit flinging freak hanging around. So, where would we even get shirts?" Sylvester whined as they exited the chicken coop.
"Oh, senors? You looking for a good time?" A lilting, heavily accented voice intoned from a doorway across the alley. "I can't help I overhear your troubles. Come inside. You will find what you need. Soap and water? New shirts? Rum drinks? Tequila shots? Exotic, pretty, dancing girls? All for you. You come with me." A beautiful woman with long dark hair wearing a silky, red robe and too much make-up stepped out of the shadows. She dropped her burning cigarette and ground it out under the toe of one ice pick heeled shoe.
"Sounds like our solution found us. Don't be chicken hearted!" Toby called over his shoulder as he walked toward the now open door leaving a trail of feathers in his wake. Thumping bump and grind music blared out at them from inside the club.
Walter frowned and looked a little queasy but followed the behaviorist in the direction the woman led while Sly mumbled to himself, "You'd better be cock sure this is all it's cracked up to be, or we might end up with more than egg on our faces!"
oOoOoOoOoO
The three men, wearing freshly pressed guayabera shirts in different colors, were seated right at the perimeter of the stage. Toby was on the edge of his seat in anticipation. Sly was on the edge of his seat in case he needed to escape quickly. Walter was just on edge.
The room was dimly lit and smelled of perfume and booze and the sweaty, whistling and shouting men seated around them. An obnoxious, slobbering drunk plopped down in the chair next to Sylvester's. Sly scooted as close to Toby as it was possible eyeing the stranger with distaste as he slapped the stage and demanded a private show. A woman from the bar slid into the space between Sly and the obviously loaded patron purring for him to buy her a drink. The drunk complied and the two of them exchanged lewd comments while he paid for booze she only pretended to drink.
Suddenly the house lights went out and the stage was flooded with spiralling multicolored lights and strobes and nearly nude women swayed out onto the stage shimmying and shaking their hips to the beat. Sylvester averted his wide eyes to his drink. Walter looked appalled while Toby laughed and snapped photos of his friends' expressions.
It wasn't long before a woman in skimpy shorts, a tiny, see through halter top, and thigh high boots slinked up to the trio by the stage. "I understand one of you is getting married tomorrow. How 'bout a lap dance for the groom?" She asked in a sultry tone.
Toby held up his hands shaking his head. "Sorry. My bride-to-be would kill me. I wouldn't live long enough to get married. No way."
Sylvester sat mute looking terrified at the prospect and scooting himself, chair and all, away from her. He held up his left hand and showed her the band-aid. "Taken!" Was all he managed to squeak out.
Then as the stripper approached Walter, eyebrows raised, Toby's expression turned downright evil. "This guy here is my best man. I think I'd love it if you would do a lap dance for him."
Walter's mouth dropped open, but before he could say a word in protest, she had already climbed onto his lap straddling him. The genius blushed furiously and blustered,"uh...this isn't necessary..." while trying to sit back as far away from the woman in his lap as possible. His hands were raised on either side of his head as if he didn't know what to do with them.
As she began to rotate her pelvis, she leaned into Walter's horrified face and whispered, "Just relax and enjoy, honey!"
Toby was breathless with laughter as he filmed the whole scene with his phone. Sly watched the happenings with amused sympathy.
Walter stuttered, his face turned to the side away from the woman grinding in his lap, "O-okay. That's-that's, uh, suf-sufficient. Thank you?"
When she didn't budge from her perch, he began to offer her a tip just to get off of him. When the fee got to a place that was acceptable to her, she got up and slipped the offered money into the waistband of her shorts. Winking at Walter, she said, "Thanks for the ride, cutie!" And left him paralyzed from aversion, face blazing.
"Delete that recording, or you're a dead man, Toby!" Walter said between clenched teeth.
That's when they both looked over and noticed Sylvester acting strangely. The big man stood up and was reeling. "I think the world is tilting on its access...I mean axis," he slurred, "I mean at a different angle than the usual 23.4 degrees of axial tilt. This feels more like 32 degrees... and I'm not adjusting to the new angle at all well."
Toby looked and saw that Sly had been drinking from the wrong glass. The woman next to him had left her drink that the other man bought for her when she had wandered off. And the human calculator miscalculated and finished it.
AN: The whole idea for this story came from a short clip I saw of Elyes singing 'Pony' by Ginuwine. It is the world's nastiest song, and it sounds like a frog is burping all the way through it, but somehow it's catchy and makes everyone that hears it start dancing like a stripper... Then I got to thinking, which is a dangerous thing on a good day, how would Walter O'Brien react to a lap dance (from someone other than Paige) and why would he ever end up in that situation? Voila! A silly story is born (or hatched?)
Waige scenes are still coming, but I have to get the guys arrested first. Stay tuned.
