3: Running Away

3: Running Away

It was a dreary day.

Rain poured down in torrents, making it difficult to see past the street below my window.

The bed I sat in was comfortable enough – almost too comfortable.

It felt wrong to be sitting here in a nice warm bed when barely 24 hours ago my entire clan had been wiped out.

I should be out there in the rain, digging graves for the people I love with my own bare hands. I wanted to scream, to bleed, to feel some kind of physical pain or discomfort to match the emotional and mental pain I was experiencing.

Otosan, okasan, even Shisui – all of them gone.

In my mind I kept reliving the horror of that night.

Why hadn't Itachi finished me off like he had the others?

Death would have been a welcome escape from the insanity that lurked at the edge of my conscience.

What was Itachi's reason for leaving us alive? What was the meaning behind his words?

Itachi had mentioned superior shinobi.

To me, superior shinobi had always been people like my father and the Hokage – great men who fought for the good of the village, men who would give their lives to protect others. Isn't that what it meant to be superior?

He had said that until I learned what it meant to be superior, I would never achieve the power I desired.

The power I desired.

Did I really desire power?

A soft grunting noise came from beside me, and I turned my head towards the bed next to mine. Sasuke lay stretched out on the bed, his pale face calm and peaceful, his tousled black hair hanging limply over his closed eyes. He breathed deeply, shifting his position slightly before settling down again.

He looked so care-free and innocent. At least in his dreams he could escape.

I feared what would happen to him when he woke. He was still so young. The loss of our family had been a heavy blow to us both, but more so to him who was still so dependent on our parents.

Itachi! How could you do this to us?

I turned my face back to the window but was surprised to see Itachi staring back at me. Panic crept into my heart and I jerked back, but the image faded and there was nothing but the rain.

Frowning, I leaned forward again.

Itachi's face reappeared, but this time I didn't back away. I gazed into the blood red eyes for the longest time, until at last I realized it wasn't Itachi I was seeing, but myself.

My hand lifted up and gently traced the outline of my eyes in the window.

When had I learned to activate Sharingan?

Had my feelings of anger and betrayal pushed me over the edge?

I had heard once that the Sharingan was linked to our emotions, and most of the Uchihas activated their Sharingan for the first time in the heat of battle. The combination of fear and determination while fighting against an opponent pushed the user to his limits, and this allowed the Sharingan to break through.

I stared down at my hands, noticing how clear everything seemed. Slowly I raised my hands to cover my eyes. I saw nothing but darkness, and I stayed that way until all emotions had been blocked out.

The numbness felt wonderful, and I removed my hands to look at my reflection again.

My eyes were dark once more.

And I felt nothing.

Tossing aside the covers, I jumped out of the warm bed and slipped on my shoes. Sasuke remained asleep, which was better for me. I slipped outside, jogging through the rain until I came to the Uchiha compound. Red tape was crossed over the entrance, blocking it off to any civilians, but I ignored it, scampering underneath it.

I walked down the main street of our village, not daring to look around me. The bodies had been removed and the blood had been washed away by the rain, but the memory of it all was still too vivid.

I walked until I came to our house. It seemed so desolate and forlorn. It was hard to imagine that 48 hours ago we had all been having dinner together.

Standing out there in the rain, staring at what was once my home, I quickly felt the numb feeling I had managed to obtain wash away. The pain returned, and with it came the endless questions – questions to which I had no answers.

Why?

Why??

WHY?!

I dropped to my knees, mud splashing onto my pants. I turned my face up towards the sky, feeling the cold rain mix with my own hot tears and drip down my face.

The pain in my chest was almost unbearable.

I was only a child! What was I supposed to do now?

How was I supposed to survive?

"Itachi you bastard!! Why did you have to go and ruin everything?! You are selfish and arrogant and an idiot and – " I paused from my ranting and raving, lowering my face and staring at the muddy ground. "And I wish you were here," I whispered, wrapping my arms around my shaking body.

I allowed my grief to take control, and pretty soon I was bawling my eyes out, my body racked with sobs. It was some time before I found enough energy to get to my feet. I stumbled onto the porch in front of our old house and lay down, watching the raindrops splatter onto the ground.

And there I lay, for how long I don't know, just staring out at the falling rain, not caring whether I lived or died.

There was nothing left for me here.

That's when the voices in my head started.

"You knew all along. . ."

Shut up!

"You knew what I was capable of. . ."

I said shut up!

"You let them die. . .because you weren't strong enough to oppose me."

I'm a year younger than you.

"Stop making excuses for your lack of power."

Get out of my head!

"You have only yourself to blame. Become your own person! Achieve the power you desire, and then you will be stronger!

I jerked myself into an upright position. He was right to some extent. It was time for me to become serious, to become stronger.

It was time for me to search for the answers to my questions.

I stopped, my thoughts drifting to Sasuke. I couldn't take him along with me. He would have to stay behind. Maybe that was what Itachi had intended all along – for us to be separated in our quest for strength.

Sasuke and I would only hold each other back if we stayed together.

He was just a boy, but he would be safe here in the village. I had no doubt in my mind that he would be taken care of.

But I would hang around a bit until I was certain.

Three days passed before the Third came to see us. Sasuke and I had been kept under strict ANBU surveillance, but it seemed that they finally thought it safe enough let us be.

There had been no sign of Itachi since the attack. He had simply vanished into thin air, and no one, not even I, knew where he would have gone.

"How are the two of you feeling?" the Third asked, taking a seat across from us. Sasuke and I sat side by side on the couch. Sasuke had been unusually quiet since the death of our clan, so I decided to speak for him.

"We're fine."

Now that wasn't exactly true, after all, how could we be fine after losing everything? But physically we were fine. Neither of us had any injuries, except for Sasuke's shoulder which was healing nicely now.

The Third eyed us carefully. I could see in his eyes he was concerned. Whether he was concerned for us or for what this would mean for the village, I didn't know, but I did know that it bugged me.

"I am truly sorry for your loss. You have been dealt a hard blow, but I assure you that you will not simply be forgotten. I have arranged that this apartment be given over to you. The money your father received for his service to the police force will be paid to you so you can live. If you wish to continue with your shinobi careers, then by all means do so. You have the support of the village."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama. We appreciate the help."

The Third nodded. He seemed older than he had the last time I had seen him. It seems the entire incident with our clan had affected him as well.

At that moment though, I couldn't care less about the village.

The Hokage left after that, and I realized that I had nothing to worry about anymore. Sasuke would be taken care of.

The only thing left for me to do was decide when I would make my move.

One thing I knew was that I couldn't tell Sasuke about my plans. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and tell him I was leaving him. It would just be too much, for the both of us.

I started making plans for a nighttime escape.

The preparations didn't take long, but I found myself putting it off. Every time I decided tonight would be the night, another excuse would come up and I ended up staying. I tried convincing myself that it was because of Sasuke that I was reluctant to go, but I knew I was only bluffing.

The truth was I was scared.

I had no idea what I was doing really. Would I really make it out there all alone? Was I really strong enough?

It was these thoughts that kept me back, and every night I would sit on my bed, staring out the window, trying desperately to see what lay beyond the gates of Konoha.

Somewhere out there in the big world was my brother. He was only a year older, but already he was more than capable of taking care of himself. He didn't need friends or family, he didn't need a home.

Nothing held him back.

Nothing.

Why then was it so difficult for me to let go? Itachi had freed me of all bonds, except for Sasuke who was starting to get along just fine. He didn't rely on me as much as I had anticipated, in fact, he was learning to do things for himself more and more.

He didn't really need me.

So why then was I hesitating? Surely I had gleaned enough experience during my shinobi training to help me survive.

Why was I so weak?

In the end, it was Sasuke who unintentionally persuaded me to go.
During a quiet dinner one evening, Sasuke paused in his eating and looked up at me.

"'Nee-chan."

"Hm?"

"Do you. . .do you think I can be as strong as Itachi?"

I had to stop myself from choking on my food. This was the first time since that fateful night that he had mentioned our brother.

I swallowed what was in my mouth and gave him my full attention. He had a very serious aura around him.

"Why do you ask, Sasuke?"

"Because I . . ."

"You what?" I pressed, anxious to hear what was on that little mind.

"I need to kill him!"

Startled by his sudden outburst, I retracted a little. His head was lowered so that his spiky black hair hung down, shielding his face. I could see his small hands were balled into fists so tightly that his knuckles shone white.

He really was quite angry.

"Sasuke, did Itachi say something to you?"

I hadn't told Sasuke about what Itachi had said to me, but now the thought struck me that maybe Itachi had said something to Sasuke too.

I saw him nod slightly.

Damn you, Itachi.

I pulled my chair closer to his and waited until he had raised his head to look at me. I saw a fire burning in his dark eyes, a fire that had not been there before.

He would never be the same innocent boy again.

"What did he say to you, Sasuke?"

He shifted his eyes to the side, recalling that night's events. His brow furrowed slightly and for a brief moment pain was etched onto his face.

But it passed and he looked back, his face neutral.

"Foolish little brother, if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and survive in an unsightly way. Run, run and cling to life. And one day, when you have the same eyes as me, come before me."

I will never forget the horror that flashed through my mind.

The same eyes as him?

Was he talking about the Mangekyou Sharingan? Did he really want our little brother to murder his best friend in order to gain those eyes?

He was more of a monster than I thought. Doing this to a little boy. . .

"I'm going to do it, nee-chan."

"What?"

"I'm going to do as he says. I'm going to hate and detest him. One day, when I'm stronger, I will find him and I will kill him for what he's done to us!"

His words were filled with such determination, that I had no doubt in my mind he meant every word he said. It seemed that Sasuke had already made up his mind to follow his brother's words, only I think he was planning on doing it his own way.

It was this that got me thinking about what Itachi had told me. Itachi was ruthless when it came to power, but I was different from him. I would become stronger, but I would do it on my own time and in my own way.

In that moment, I realized that I no longer had a place here, in Sasuke's life. He was on a mission – a mission that didn't involve me.

If I stayed, I would only be getting in his way. I was leaving for the both of us.

And so I left.