"Spock?" There was controlled excitement in Kirk's voice.
The first thing Spock had seen when he finally opened his eyes was the look of love in the hazel eyes watching him. "Ji," he stopped as emotions battered at him "Captain." He suddenly was almost overpowered by emotions of love, joy, excitement, near rapture. He closed his eyes.
The power of the surge of emotions was nearly overwhelming his control when heard a voice he recognized as Lieutenant Uhura's saying, "Hands off, everybody. Even you, Captain. He feels too much."
Almost immediately the intensity faded but he felt the inner warmth such emotions left him. Yet there was still a flicker of conflict in remembering what Kirk had said to him, how he had said it from the depth of himself. They were juxtaposed and therefore conflicting. Which did James Kirk really mean?
With his shields back as they were meant to be and his human emotions under his control again Spock lay for a moment as he recalled what he had heard while in that void that filled with so many emotions of love, empathy, caring, and friendship. Each of those six he considered his closest human friends had helped him realize how much he was admired and respected as him. Through their physical contact he had discovered how they saw him not as a Vulcan, not as a human, but as a fellow being worthy of their friendship. One by one he remembered what they had said, all the while there had been that steady flow of love from Jim.
Slowly he opened his eyes again and looked around, not surprised to see all six of them there. Jim sitting on the bed and the others all standing on both sides but all looking at him with warmth and love clearly showing on the faces.
"Mister Scott, from your comments am I to believe you believe in the mythological beast that was alleged to inhabit a body of water in what was Old Earth Scotland?"
There was no escaping the smile on the older man's face, "Ah., Mister Spock, Nessie is there, maybe nae in reality but in the mind Nessie is there. Tis grand to see ye back with us."
Spock gave a slight nod, "It is good to be back. Rest assured that I still consider you to be the ship's miracle worker as there is no other being who could talk the engines into giving us more power, not other being who could use the minimum of equipment to get maximum output the way you do. I thank you for your participation in my return and the emotions you revealed to me."
When Spock looked at him the others saw how Chekov slightly moved as though realizing just how much Spock would have detected from his touch, Mister Chekov, I am honored that you consider me your starshego brata. I believe many children bastardized the word when they would call one not related to them a derogatory derogative from that, brat. I also am going to trust you to complete the experiment you started on solar flares as you are more than competent to do so."
There was a broad grin on Chekov's face, "I vill be pleased to show you what I have thought of to do. You vill most likely find errors but at the moment they are just what I vant to try."
Still looking at the younger man he said, "I am sure they will be interesting if perhaps illogical. You must know I have never thought of you as needing much instruction and I also believe that you will find that there is a Russian version of the treatment I thank you for so willingly assisting in."
Sulu stood straighter when Spock looked at him, "Mister Sulu I have only wanted to ensure that you had the opportunity to experience piloting as many craft as possible as I know of your fascination with such things. I also thought that the plants I located and took to you would extend not only your knowledge but also that of the Federation as I know of the detailed reports on your studies. I look forward to having a cup of tea with you and thank you not only for salvaging and growing those plants from Vulcan. I thank you for that encouragement to recover. You are sure to find Vulcan tea different."
Sulu nodded once, "I look forward to brewing it for you, Mister Spock."
Slowly Spock turned his head and looked at Uhura standing on the other side of the bed, "Lieutenant Uhura, I am expecting you on the Bridge when I return. I, too, find the bridge a less then friendly place when you are not at the Communications station. I am honored that my presence gives you confidence and reassurance. I thank you for your singing and your emotional outpouring that reminded me of and reassured me as to the value of remaining." He was aware that most there had smiled as he arched his right eyebrow, "I must admit I am also most intrigued by what Captain Kirk alluded to by referring to you as a vengeful vixen."
Uhura reached out and patted Spock's shoulder, "I will tell you about that later. You just rest and let us take care of you for a bit."
There was no mistaking the slight change of expression on Spock's face when he looked at McCoy nor the look McCoy gave him. "Doctor McCoy I have no doubt whatsoever that you would react in your usual highly emotional and illogical manner should I ever yell at you, cuss you out, or react in a way that would be considered unusual for me. I have been aware of your usual unusual intense concern about my well-being, your reluctance to leave me alone in the care of any of your staff, and your emotions toward me and I thank you for being so tenacious while also allowing me the dignity to decide. I was aware of your wanting me to return and also your gift of understanding should I have decided not to. I do however notice one aspect of what you said that is obviously incorrect."
"And no doubt you are about to tell me just how I am incorrect."
"I would only point out you stated you were going to sit yet you are clearly standing."
"Just for that I will be keeping you in here for an extra ten standard hours after everybody leaves."
Spock saw Kirk looking at him and met his eyes. For a long time they looked at each other then Spock looked at the others one by one and said, "I thank you all for being here, for doing what you did on my behalf, but I require time alone with the Captain."
"Right you are, Mister Spock, the rest of us will go to ma quarters where we will have a wee dram from my special collection to celebrate your return to us as yourself. Tis grand to have ye back."
After they had gone Spock looked at Kirk, studying him. He could detect the fear he had sensed through their touch, the flicker of conflict in juxtaposed feelings. There was also something else there that he had seldom seen before when he looked at his Captain and friend; shame and great indecision. Could it be that there was some part of his friend that did not trust him?
"Captain, is there something troubling you?"
"Yes, there is something troubling me. Us."
"Us?" It was what Spock wanted to talke about, to clarify, to see if they were still "us".
"Yes, us. What we had. What we are like now."
"Is there a difference between what we had and what we are like now?
"Don't give me that spiel about Vulcans not feeling things, not having emotions as I know you must feel there is a difference. You must be aware of a strangeness between us. A strangeness because I ruined what we were."
Spock looked at Kirk unsure if he should ask but knew if Kirk was his friend he would fully understand, "What facts do you have to substantiate the statement that you ruined what we were?"
For a moment Kirk had looked away then gripped both Spock's hands in his and looked at his friend. "For six days I was in a version of what we Humans call Hell, I had been trained not to break under such conditions but I did, Spock. I broke and blamed it on you. I believed the others had saved me as they were there when I woke us and realized I was safe. When I saw you I, I reacted like a madman. Boney would give it some fancy medical term, call it some sort of cathartic release or something, but at that moment I knew what I was saying and who I was saying it to and I did not stop. I loath myself for what I did to you and when I saw what you had done," for a moment Kirk hesitated as though unsure of how to say what he wanted to, "when I saw how on the bridge you begged.,"
"You saw," a look close to panic and mortification flashed across Spock's face as he had not been aware that Kirk had seen that, that that was what McCoy had talked about earlier.
"After you left after my tirade Uhura made me watch the recording then Bones, Sulu, and Scotty ensured that nobody would ever know about what happened on the bridge but those who were there. I checked the recording she spliced into its place and it is perfect."
Spock closed his eyes for a moment. Uhura had risked so much by deleting that, by tampering with a bridge recording. "I must thank her. I was unaware she had mastered what I had shown her to do only once. She took a great risk on my behalf."
"At first I could not understand her reaction to my reaction towards you. I would have staked my life on the fact she could never look at anybody on this ship with the pure disgust and total abhorrence the way she did at me before putting the disc in the display unit and storming out after asking it be destroyed after I watched it. After I saw it and realized all you had been doing for me during those six days; how you had protected my ship, taken my place in defending my crew, guarding my career against Collins I was set on seeing you and setting things right. Bones warned me against it, told me to give you time, explained how Collins had treated you but I would not listen. I only accepted what I wanted to do. I was aware that I had weakened and reacted as Collins had planned. I was furious at what he had done to me that, that," Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head and Spock knew how Kirk would be disgusted with himself.
When Kirk remained silent Spock squeezed his hands, "Captain?"
"That I went to see you not thinking of what seeing me would do to you but only how I would feel. Bones warned me but I was sure you had not been affected as much as I had, as much as Bones said you had been. I did not stop to think about it, let alone believe what it all would have done to you. I was sure that you would have thought of my reaction as merely a minor temper tantrum. But when I got there and you stood at attention with your back to me, when you would not face me, when you stopped yourself from calling me Jim, when you talked through Chekov and did not correct him I knew Bones had been right. It was if only then did I really see what Collins had done to you, what I had done to you. I knew how much I had hurt you and yet you had still thought of me by reminding me of Collins looking for me. I knew that there was no excuse for what I had done and said to you. I knew that I would have to somehow at least attempt to regain even a small proportion of your trust in me as I realized I had totally destroyed the one friendship that meant more to me than anything else I had ever known or possibly will ever know."
Spock just looked up at him knowing how Kirk needed to get all he wanted to say, knew he needed to say, out now.
"I had felt you in my head, calming me, reassuring me, but I tried to make myself believe I was doing that. I even made myself believe hearing you say farewell was a part of a nightmare. When I got to the cell and saw you laying so still, saw McCoy working on you, I realized it had not been a nightmare. When Chekov said Collis was behind it I had wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him in ways even the Klingons could not conceive. The others made me see what you had done, how you had kept them and the ship safe for me. They made me see that I had to confront Collins and I knew the best place to do that was at the meeting.
"Spock you would have been so proud yet shocked by Uhura's actions. Collins was about to mention you had begged on the bridge as she approached up and all but flung her cup of freshly brewed hot coffee at his crotch when she was close enough."
To hear that Uhura had taken a shocking action did not sound like the Uhura Spock knew and he raised an eyebrow, "Deliberate action?"
"Yes, but made to look like an accident and she let him know what would happen if he ever mentions what he made you do. She did something very minor compared with what I would have done. You do not have to worry about anybody finding out about what he did to you on the bridge."
Spock realized they still had not discussed what mattered, "You still have not told me the facts you have to substantiate your statement that you ruined what we were. You have presented me with your version of the events that transpired and your reactions but you have not given me facts."
"Not given you the facts, Spock? I have given you more than enough reasons to prove I ruined what we had, what we were. How can you not see that I ruined all that?"
"What I see, Captain, is that you displayed in the only way you could have after all you had been exposed to. I have known for years, thanks largely to my Human mother then to Starfleet training, that Humans can often become highly emotionally reactive after prolonged periods of stress and or sensual depravity or confusion. I had not been aware of how the combined effort of having to deal with Collins as well as trying to quickly ascertain where you would be and carry out a rescue had greatly weakened my shields. I, I could not recall ever feeling so what could only be termed vulnerable and exposed like that before. I was ill-prepared for your words. When you came to the cell I thought I was doing what you had wanted, staying out of your life, and I needed to remind you that Collins would be looking for you. I apolo,"
Spock felt Kirk quickly squeeze his hands as he shook his head before fixing his gaze back on his eyes, "Don't you dare apologize to me for your reaction! I know it was not you intention to upset me but it was my fault for attacking you as I had."
"Jim,: Spock admitted to himself that is was a wonderful sensation to say that name again and could tell from Kirk's reaction that he also welcomed it, "I felt I needed time alone to think over my next actions. I was not functioning as logically as I should have. I believe Mister Chekov understood which is why he reacted as he did when you came."
Kirk's barely contained excitement relief at being called Jim again radiated from him, "You have no idea how much I wanted to tackle Chekov and get into that cell and make you see how wrong I was, how sorry I was."
"I believe you would have found Chekov a most formidable opponent at the time as he does seem to have a protective streak that he keeps dormant and hidden under the tales of Russia."
Kirk smiled, "From the look he gave me I do not doubt that. I got the feeling that he was keeping me from getting close to you not only because of Collins but because of how I had acted, reacted when he brought you to see me."
"If I might I would ask something of you, Jim."
"Of course, Spock. What?"
"Could you ask Lieutenant Uhura to come see me. I will only need her presence for a few moments but I would like to talk privately with her before she has more than a dram of Mister Scott's liquor."
Just for a moment Kirk seemed stunned. There was the possibility that he had not expected Spock to want to talk with her but he had nodded, "I'll go get her and return when she returns to Scotty's quarters."
When Uhura entered Spock's quarters she slowly approached the bed as though uncertain if he was awake or not, "Am I correct in assuming you deliberately caused a senior officer physical pain because of their treatment of me?"
Without hesitation she said, "Yes, I did and,"
"I thank you. Had I been able to I would have done worse for what he did to the Captain." He had smiled at he to reassure her, "I also thank you for removing all records of,"
Uhura gripped his hand and gave it a squeeze, "Had I done anything so against who I am at my core I know you would have done the same. Nobody but the six of us and it will ever know what happened. I only kept it till the Captain saw it and then it was destroyed."
"You knew the Captain would be returning?"
"I knew you would find him. I know you two share something magical, something we do not understand, and I know you would not give up on us or him."
For a moment Spock just looked at her then gently squeezed her hands, "I also wish to thank you for your songs. I would also find the bridge to be a cold and unfriendly place if you were not there. We will talk more later."
"Okay, I'll come back later. I'll send the Captain back."
"No, let him enjoy the gathering."
Spock had his eyes shut with the still temperature lowered and the lights dimmed when Kirk walked back in. "Spock?" In that one word Spock heard the love and concern wrapped in friendship that he had missed hearing for so long.
"There was no need for you to have left the function early, Jim. I believe Mister Scott might have been incorrect in the amount of liquor I suspect will be imbibed in his quarters. I would suspect it to be considerably more than a wee dram."
As Kirk sat on the bed and took his hands Spock could hear the loving friendship in his voice, "Your suspicions would be correct. Considerably more than a wee dram will be consumed."
"You need not have left,"
"I will go back later to check how many have decided to sleep there tonight. I doubt if anything short of a red alert would get them away from the celebration at your recovery."
"I am sure it is also to celebrate your return, Jim."
As he looked up at his friend at his Captain Spock wondered if he had really dealt with what had happened and if they truly again had what they always had had. Through his hand that Kirk still held he felt great uncertainty and doubt as well as still a lingering of that self-loathing that he had sensed before but over-powering it all was love and friendship..
"Spock,"
"Jim,"
The words were said in perfect unison and as they looked at each other Spock was suddenly aware that they were once again thinking almost as one, that what they had once had was lingering just beyond their grasp. For a moment they just looked at each other and then Spock pulled his hand free and slowly reached up, pausing momentarily till he saw the nod in response to the unspoken question before placing his fingers on Kirk's face in familiar places and freely opening his mind. Almost immediately Kirk freely opened his mind. Now there could be, would be, no barriers between them as each opened their mind to the other.
While Spock had thought his shields were strong the emotions that flooded into him through the link from Jim threatened to overwhelm him. He saw the images Jim had seen while in that cell, heard what he had heard, and understood how over six weeks his friend could not have sustained resistance to that. He felt the sense of betrayal the images and treatment Kirk had received had conditioned him to believe in a betrayal. Then the tremendous guilt Kirk felt when he saw the recording of what Collins had done to him, when Collins had tormented him and had him beg on the bridge. And finally the guilt at not knowing how to get back the trust and the friend he had pushed away from him.
Through the link Spock felt the all-consuming fear of being alone coming from Jim. The crushing guilt of what he had done to his friend, the shame at what he had said to one of his two closest of friends, and the belief that he had lost that friend and trust forever. There was an uncertainty as to how he could captain again, how he could face what he would have to without knowing that there was somebody right there for him, beside him, supporting him in so many ways, and just there, just to his right side.
Slowly and carefully Spock used his skills to ease the painful memories of his friend into the deep recesses of his friend's mind where they would remain but not be easily accessed. He saw the torment leave Jim's face as he eased his hands away from him. Also on Jim's face was the indication that he accepted what he had seen in Spock's mind.
"Thank you, Spock. Are you,"
"I was honored to do it for you, Jim. I am fine though tired." He saw a flicker of disappointment on his friend's face, "But I would enjoy a game of chess, if you do not mind."
There was no denying the relief Spock saw sweep over Kirk's face as he squeezed Spock's hands as he stood, "If you sure you are not too tired. I will just go get the board."
"I believe I can walk to your quarters, Jim."
As he looked across the small table and the three tiers of the chess game at his friend contemplating his next move Spock was sure he felt something deep inside him smile and sing. These last few days had tested what was between them and had proven to him that Jim Kirk thought the friendship they shared was as important as he knew it was to him His best friend had always been there for him, was there for him, and would always be there for him.
