PART II

'That is absolutely unacceptable!'

'Excuse me, sir, but everyone has to double. Tau-Upsilon IV doesn't host inter-galaxy scientific conferences every day.'

'Oh, come on, Spock. You didn't mind sharing my head. Anyway, it's only for a couple of nights, don't get so jumpy.'

'Vulcans do not –'

'Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Told you to get some sleep, I could've handled an auto-piloted shuttle for a couple of hours.'

' "Keep telling yourself that", Doctor.'

'Wow! Do Vulcans snarl? No, don't answer that. Lemme guess: peace, quiet, meditation and no emotional human beings around? Here. I'm going for a walk. The room's all yours for the next hour. Just take my stuff up, will you?'


'Sorry, Spock, figured if I'm gonna hanging around, I'd better have my ID – what the hell!'

'What does your pointless remark refer to this time?'

'Stop fucking with me, Spock! You're shivering, for chrissake!'

'We are definitely not engaged into any sexual intercourse. Therefore, please, refrain from touching me.'

'Whatever you say. But – didn't you just get worse? Look at me, dammit!'

'If you must know, Doctor, I do not specifically object to your touch. However, I cannot trust my mental shields at the moment.'

'But you do stop impersonating a frightened toy-terrier under my touch, don't you?'

'It would seem so, but –'

'No buts. You don't even have to shield. It's not like there is something in my head you haven't already seen. Just try to calm down, OK? See, nothing terrible happened.'

'Indeed, Doctor. For a non-telepathic being, you protect you mind with remarkable efficiency. I cannot be certain of the period when you were carrying my katra, but now I am receiving nothing from you but what you are willing to share, that is your desire to comfort me. Which, I must admit, is very – comforting.'

'Be my guest.'


'Spock?'

'Yes, Doctor?'

'Do you really have to hold my hand?'

'Not necessarily. Since you are not Vulcan, your hands are no more suitable for transferring phyonic energy than any other part of your body. The process, however, does require skin-to-skin contact. Where would – '

'Forget it!'


'Feeling better?'

'Yes, thank you.'

'Don't get up. I want to run a few scans.'

'Doctor, there is no reason for you concern. It was merely –'

'Yeah, a moment lapse of concentration. Vulcan mind voodoo. Nothing good meditation can't correct. Sorry, Spock, not gonna buy it this time. Much as I hate stealing your trademark stating the obvious, one doesn't meditate face down to a pillow trembling like a leaf.'

'If you had returned in one hour, you would have found me in adequate state.'

'I have no doubt about that. But you didn't answer my question.'

'I was unaware you had posed one.'

'Fine. Two can play this game. Let's refer to the facts.

'About two month ago I discovered your mind was somehow freaking out. You made it clear you didn't want medical help and intended to clean the mess up by meditation. For the next ten days you spent almost every off-duty hour in your quarters presumably meditating. Finally, you took two-week leave for personal reasons. Yet, you came back in less than a week. My medical opinion is after that you went from simply unsettled to completely depressed. And, as a mere observation, five days is not even enough to go to Vulcan and back, let alone undergo any sort of treatment. My logical conclusion is meditation didn't help you, and neither did whatever you tried instead. Am I right? I know I am.

'Nevertheless, you resumed you duties both on the ship and in the Academy. Jim and the rest of the crew might now openly believe you invincible, but they'd never failed to inform me, when you'd been bleeding all over the bridge. Yet, this time none of them seemed to notice there was anything wrong with you.

'That was part one. Wanna hear part two?

'We were locked together in VSA med lab for days, playing guinea pigs for all those pointy-eared shamans. We spent like two weeks in an invisible bird of prey in the middle of 20th century San-Francisco. We were court-martialed together. We are still assigned to the same ship and I conduct first-aid training for your class. In total, it's been almost six month since we both went through that fal-tor-panthing – '

'Five months, thirteen days.'

'Whatever. Do you know how many times we actually talked during that time? I mean real talking, not reviewing reports or being in the same room with a lot of other people? Five, Spock, five! And every single time I was the one to start it.

'We just spent twenty-eight hours in that goddamn shuttle, and all the time you were staring at the controls as if they were gonna run away. And as soon as we got here, you just locked yourself in the room and started falling apart.

'Now, would it be terribly illogical to assume you avoid me, 'cause around me you're physically uncomfortable?

'I thought as much.

'So, I ask you again, Spock. What's your fuckin' problem?

'And don't you dare give me any "my problem is nothing of that kind" bullshit, or, I swear – '

'Actually, Doctor, your description was relatively accurate, if vulgar.'

'What? I thought your crazy Koolinar stunt left your emotionless enough to spare such problems.'

'That is correct. However, my Kohlinahr training was eliminated by memory loss.'

'You said you recovered.'

'I said I was in possession of virtually the same amount of information as prior to the incident. However, Kohlinahr training does not consist of studying. Physiologically, "purging all emotions" requires constant conscious control of one's brain functions. Such knowledge cannot be memorized back.'

'Just don't tell me you're thinking of going back to that hellish place! Remember, all that little things beyond logic?'

'I might consider returning to Gol in the future, but it is not a matter of my immediate concern.'

'Yeah, right. Get to the point.'

'Lt. Saavik informed me, that my experience on Genesis had included re-living my first pon farr. She had been kind enough to help me to resolve it.'

'You mean, you're married to her now? Oh, shit! I mean, is it even legal, you being from the same clan and she is so young and – '

' – and I am her mentor as well as her superior officer. No, Doctor, it is definitely not appropriate. That is why lt. Saavik chose to stay behind on Vulcan. Even though practically our bonding did not occur.'

'How so?'

'As you are well aware, Doctor, the essence of tel-tor is creating permanent link between the bondmates' minds – '

'And said rite couldn't be completed as at the moment you didn't exactly have a mind to do so.'

'Doctor, this conversation will be much more productive, should you refrain from interrupting my every sentence. Yes, once again, you a correct.

'However, we both know from previous experience that I am capable of surviving improperly resolved pon farr due to my human heritage. Now with the percentage of my human DNA increased, the odds are even higher.

'Anyway, I was unaware of the occurrence prior to my conversation with Lt. Saavik. I was not experiencing any ill effects, so I chose not to reveal the information to anyone – and neither will you – ever – unless you wish to bring shame and disgrace upon both Lt. Saavik and myself and thus upon my entire clan.

'When my katra was restored, I did not obtain any memories concerning my sojourn on Genesis. As the matter of fact, I still have no memories about the events following transferring my katra to you. It took some time to perceive that my mind had to adjust to a body slightly different from the one it had been used to. Once my mind finally traced the after-effects of pon farr, it has begun trying to locate a mating bond.'

'And – '

'Apparently, it attempts to transform the residual link between our minds into one.'

'Holy fuck! Did you just say you are married to me instead?'

'Not precisely, Doctor. I would never willingly establish a bond, and you own mind provides enough protection. But given you remarkable ability to share your mental energy, every time you direct a caring thought to me, even in your unique way, it is – becoming exceedingly difficult to prevent you from accidentally sealing the bond.'

'So, basically, when I'm shouting at you, your mind believes we're having sex or something? Shit, Spock, can't you just – I don't know, break that stupid link?'

'I have considered the option'

'Well, what stopped you?'

'It would seem that you did.'

'Care to elaborate?'

'As neither of us has any distinct memories concerning the interaction of your mind with my katra, I conducted my own research – '

'You asked around!'

'I believe I said so. Well, several crew members stated that while the Enterprise had been heading back for Earth, on multiple occasions you had displayed extreme hostility towards anyone who as much as mentioned my name. Once you had been fully informed of the situation, your outbursts had eventually ceased. They had not given it much thought, in fact, they seem to believe it had been your way to cope.'

'But now you think I fought tooth and nail some unknown substance bearing your face, but once I learned it was really you inside my head I stopped throwing crazy fits and made sure you stayed there safely?

'It's just great, isn't it? I – accidentally! – not-exactly-married a Vulcan – male! Shit, Spock. When were you going to tell me?

'Wait. You weren't gonna tell me at all, you green-blooded bastard, were you?'

'No I was not. The risk was unacceptable.'

'Why, goddammit?'

'Because the link appears to be created by you and thus can only be eliminated from your side. And since you lack the skills the operation requires, if you insisted on severing the bond it would be necessary for us to go back to Vulcan and to seek assistance from a healer.'

'What do you mean, "if'? Of course I want the damn thing gone like last week.

'Well, I mean I don't wanna cause you shame or disgrace or whatever, but I've learned oh-so-well your people'd rather agree to shake hands and smile than to discuss one's personal affairs. Surely no-one will ask. And if they do, well, Vulcans don't lie, but I can.'

'You assumption is quite accurate, doctor, but even with the background omitted the matter cannot be disclosed without dire consequences for my entire family.'

'Don't your healers have Doctor-Patient confidentiality, or something?'

'They certainly do, but unless we can keep it a private matter of my clan, we will have to seek assistance from a public institution, where the procedure will be conducted according to Vulcan law.'

'Well, I can see why the former is not an option. Lady T'Pau doesn't exactly strike me as the model of tolerance and it's bad enough the rightful heir of the house of Surak is half-human. When you come to think of it, it's weird you're the rightful heir at all. Your father had to have a proper Vulcan childhood bondmate, didn't he?

'Oh, hell, where did this come from? Just forget it. None of my business, really. What's the catch with Vulcan law?'

'It states that a wife that wishes to leave her husband must either call for kal-if-fee, or prove the husband has another consort.'

'You mean they will try to catch one of us cheating on the other?'

'I mean they will search my mind for alternative mating bonds.'

'Hey! Who says you are the husband?'

'The law was designed to guarantee a rejected husband either quick and honorable death or means to survive his next pon farr. And I am clearly the one with the problem.'

'Clever. So, how much time do we have?

'Come on, Spock. I am still your doctor. And I already know Vulcans do have sex, so no need to be discreet.'

'I am not certain.'

'What?'

'According to Lt. Saavik, when I entered Pon Farr on Genesis I looked about seventeen standard years old: much younger than my original experience, undoubtedly due to altered genetic sequence. For the same reason the healers have managed to only roughly establish the age I finally achieved.'

'Oh, isn't it just great? You have an alien telepathic bond in your head, and right while we are talking it slowly but surely disrupts the little you have left of your emotional stability. For all we know, tomorrow you might get a pon farr on top of unresolved pon farr after-effects. Moreover, as we can't be sure about the exact mechanisms of Genesis-based accelerated growth, said effects may very well be integrated into your genetic structure. You might be able to live with it, but who says your kids are gonna be that lucky, especially should they be mostly Vulcan?

'So what the hell were you thinking? Do you really hope the mess will go away if you ignore it long enough?'

'Would your violent emotional response be different few months ago or few months later?'

'Probably not. But nor would my eventual decision: if you can't break the bond and can't seek another bondmate in your current condition, there is only one logical solution.

'You will complete the bond, get you natural emotional suppressants back on line and probably even that stupid pon farr out of your system – what the hell, your entire body is one big medical nonsense now anyway. Then you will have nice long rest and meanwhile I will cure whatever damage your idiotic stubbornness might have caused. Then, and only then, you will try again to severe the bond: if I got the theory right, a two-way link should be breakable from both sides. And if it is not, well, you will have to teach me. I might be an illogical human, but you told me yourself, my brain should be worth something if it didn't come leaking from my ears after the Mirror You messed with it.'

'You do not understand what you doom yourself to.'

'Don't I? I'm the one who had your mental essence giving hard time to mine! Hell, I knew I'd end up stuck neck-deep in some Vulcan mind voodoo ever since that field hospital on Anitra VIII. Remember, when all the equipment went down, and every time you had to connect me to the next patient you asked permission to touch my mind till I finally had enough and barked "now and ever", and you went all dead serious and asked if I absolutely meant it. Like inviting a vampire into your house.

'What, no logical comment on blood-sucking creatures and their special powers?'

'I cannot guarantee the bond will be ever broken.'

'Well, I can guarantee you are facing a severe nervous breakdown in two weeks tops, followed only by further deterioration of your higher brain functions.'

'You seem to forget that the link, even though not precisely a mating bond, is very likely to make you the object of my next pon farr.'

'And you seem to forget that before you retreated to Gol I had almost four years of thinking that one of my best friends somehow has to deal with his next pon farr without a mate.'

'It is not that I question your skills, Doctor, but Vulcan scientists have been trying to solve this problem for over five hundred years, and they still have not succeeded.'

'I concluded that much when I contacted some of them to discuss my research, and they pretended the problem never existed. We are not talking about the rest of the Vulcans here, Spock, we are talking about you. And we know from experience that your response to pon farr is not exactly typical. Moreover, what the Vulcans are looking for is a way to keep their heads clean and logical while having sex. Physiologically, it means partly eliminating one's body's natural reaction to its own inner processes. I can only offer you a short-term solution. That is to counteract the reagents released into your bloodstream. The drugs will probably still make you quite ill, but at least there will be no fuck-or-die issue.'

'Are you absolutely sure it will work?'

'As sure as I can be without actually trying.'

'What if it does not? I have already killed Jim in my plaq taw, and his physical strength far exceeds your own.'

'You did not kill Jim. He passed out from the neural paralyzer I injected him with. After all, your mother somehow managed to survive more than one pon farr, while she is a human female, and your father is a full-blooded Vulcan.

'We'll cross the bridge when we come to it, Spock. If it ever goes this far, I would certainly prefer you to attack me, not some random girl who happens to pass by.'

'Still, I would not ask that from you.'

'It's not as if I ask YOU, Spock!

'You just don't get it, do you? Well, in case you failed to notice, let me remind you that there are at least six people who didn't hesitate to fuck up their entire future in order to complete what at that time looked like a stupid Vulcan rite, just because it was important for you, even though you weren't there to appreciate. Jim lost his ship – his son! – to get you back, and I'll be damned if I let you throw it all to pigs just because in all these years you never managed to get it through that thick Vulcan skull of yours that your needs ARE relevant, if not to you than to your friends, yes, Spock, friends, who actually care for you and won't have you all broken and miserable especially if they can spare you this by what can hardly be called even a minor inconvenience!

'Oh, shit, I'm doing that again, aren't I? D'you know with a little more effort I could just walk past your shields, like knife and butter. Well, of course you do, but I guess the real problem is I know it.

'I'd better leave you to your meditation. You really have to calm down and think about things. But let me tell you this, Spock: there's no way I'm getting out of your head unless I'm absolutely sure you'll live happily ever after.
'See you in one hour.'