Expect Sickness
Author's note (or as I like to call them, Arthur's nuts - it's a quote from another fanfic):
PLEASE do not take this seriously. I am not a sick person and I love Rimmer (lol) but I thought this would be a great idea for a comic situation. But, as the title states, expect sickness. This chapter does involve Rimmer's mind, after all. So read and review with constructive criticism please! I really want to know how good I am as a comic writer, as I want to write a parody next (of something else -.o) and I want to know how good I am. So lots of helpful advice, please and be nice! =)
By the way, this chapter makes references to an episode that happened after white hole. But it doesn't matter: we're dwarfers, right? So we can take any uncontinuity!
The room Rimmer was met with was one of good old-fashioned order and elegance. The first thing he noticed was that in the one corner, he was met with a neat and tidy office desk with a computer and space for writing, with a desk tidy and a stack of post-it notes. Above, on the wall, there was a picture of him smiling broadly surrounded by Napoleon, Hitler, and all the other dictators featured in 'Fascist dictators monthly'. The photographed Rimmer was wearing an admirals outfit and on his chest there were a row of medals for bravery and general being-a-good-officer-ness. In the photo next to it there was Rimmer eating gazpacho soup (served hot) with the captain of Red Dwarf, who was suggesting that Rimmer would be captain when he died. The next photo was of the captain suddenly dieing horribly from a heart attack, and there was Rimmer, saluting and standing proudly, with one foot on the dead captain's back. It all made Rimmer feel happy, with a warm, smug feeling inside. So much so that he didn't even notice the rest of the room, and neither the person lying on the grand four-poster bed.
"Lookey here Tiger!" Spoke a sexy, female voice.
"Yvonne Mcgruder?"
She was lying on the bed in a sexy negligée. "So it is, my Captain, Admiral, Ace Rimmer." replied Yvonne. She then got up and kissed Rimmer hard, pressing her body close to him.
They began to make out, and caress each other's bodies. Rimmer closed his eyes, which probably was a good thing, considering what would happen next.
Yvonne's body began to disappear. With his eyes closed, Rimmer thought that his hands must be going numb: he wasn't used to this sort of closeness with a female. But he didn't dare stop, for politeness, of course. Instead her moved his hands up to see if he could caress her hair. He now felt none - but wait - the was something; short and course, like an animal's fur. The mouth tasted different too, and he noticed a distinct lack of tongue. It was so weird that Rimmer opened his eyes:
There was nothing ahead of him. Slowly, he sent his gaze downwards, and saw... a small, furry black creature.
"Gah!" he spluttered and stumbled backwards. The thing that faced hm was none other than Mr Flibbles, floating in the air. The sight alone would have been strange enough, if it weren't for the knowledge that Rimmer had just made out with it.
"What the smeg is going on?" Rimmer cried, and to his shock, for the first time, Mr Flibble replied,
"You tell me. You brought me here."
"But what about Yvonne Mcgruder? Where did she go?"
"The planet isn't allowed to bring people hee. You know that."
"Well then why was she here before? And why are you here?"
"She was never here: it was me all along. And in case you hadn't noticed: I'm not a person. The creators never expected for different species, let alone furry puppets, to fall in love with each other, let alone find each other attractive."
"What?" yelled Rimmer, horrified.
"Oh, come on," replied the puppet in a teasing voice, "Remember the good old days? You found me in that drawer and, in a universe where you were dead and lonely, with only an idiotic droid, a self-obsessed feline and the biggest slob in the universe for company, you found someone. Someone who was designed to be touchable b a hologram. Someone who reminded you of a long-lost someone else. Yvonne McGruder is dead now, and you have me; It's only natural. All that time you had your hand up my bottom; don't tell me you didn't love it!"
"But I was mad, under some sort of virus. And you're just a puppet!"
"That's just the reaction I expected, which is why I took the form of McGruder in the first place. Think about it logically: you have a chance with only one person in the universe and that's me."
"Bring back Yvonne!"
"I can be just as good as McGruder, in fact even better. Think about it: you've had your hand up me. Just think about what else you can have up me."
"This is smegging insane. The bloody system is corrupted or something."
"Or I'm what your subconcious wants."
"Not that again! Shut the smeg up! I have to tell Lister and the others what's going on."
"Aha!"
"Aha what?"
"Lister's first on your list, eh? So you care more for Lister, the man you swear you hate, than the others? Well, perhaps there's more to you than you think Rimmer. The subconcious is a funny thing."
"You're the funny thing and I don't date funny things. You're not even alive, for smeg's sake!"
"Neither are you. Come on, this might be your only chance to have sex as a hologram in the rest of your eternity. After all, you won't dare touch that game again, will you?"
"Get out of my head!"
"I will if you get in me."
Rimmer was stuck: he either looses all his dignity and... well... you know, or he leaves and faces the 'terrifying' idea of never having sex again. But since he had little dignity anyway...
"Oh, to hell with it."
See what I mean? Please, be nice
I also want to credit Garry2rs, for I used the idea of Mr Flibbles belonging to Yvonne McGruder from that person: .net/s/3227331/1/Mr_Flibble_His_Own_Story . Without you there wouldn't be this chapter! =)
