I loved Dimitri so much… I loved Dimitri more than anything. My love for him was something so strong that it hurts. I've had already so much pain… Every second that he wasn't with me it pained me. Every time he rejected me… It felt like… I don't know. I felt like my heart was broken. But when I saw him with Lissa, it was like my heart wasn't the only thing broken. I was broken. I was entirely broken and I knew for a fact that I would never get fixed again.
"You're asking me to stay?" It came out as a question.
"Yes." He said his voice still low. I felt like my heart was twisting in agony and pain as I remembered what he and Lissa had done.
"So that's it, isn't it?" A single tear managed to escape my eye. "You are capable of love, you just don't love me."
"I don't know." He said and now seemed deep in thought. He let go off my arm and very slowly his fingertips touched my face wiping the tear away. "I don't know how I feel, Rose." He sighed. "You have no idea... Everything is so confusing. I would give anything, anything, to go back to that day at the academy... I would give anything to make things different. But I can't. I can't go back to the past. If I could, believe me, I would. I would give anything for nothing of this happens. Every night, Rose... Every night I have nightmares. Nightmares with you. You hunt me and my dreams, Rose. I can't stop thinking about what I did to you in Russia. It hurts knowing that I did what I did. It hurts when I remember the taste of your blood. It hurts looking at you. It hurts when I hear your voice. It hurts. But now I realize that..." He took a deep breath. "I realize that the thought that you're leaving and there's the possibility that I'll never see you again... That is what hurts most. I know that it may sound selfish, but somehow, I need you here."
By now, I'd lost my senses of the world. Only Dimitri and I were standing there. I could feel the sweet smell of his aftershave. "Why?"
"I don't know." He looked frustrated. "I just need you, Rose."
I didn't know what to think. I couldn't help but remember seeing Dimitri through Lissa's eyes. I couldn't help but feeling Dimitri's touch through the bound. That wasn't something that Lissa should experience. I was the only woman who Dimitri could touch in that way… She said that they didn't love each other, but didn't it make things worse? I mean… They slept together and it didn't mean anything. Isn't it worse than if it had meant something?
"I don't believe you." I said. "You didn't even talk to me. We didn't even see each other. It was like I didn't exist. So why are you saying that you need me now if you didn't before?"
"I don't know." He said. "Like I said I wish things were different."
"You said that you were incapable of love. You said that you've given up on love. You said you've given up on me, so why the hell you need me?"
"I don't know." He repeated.
"You were avoiding me. You were acting like I didn't exist. So why do you want me to stay? You want to see me suffer? To see me in pain? Because that is what is going to happen if I stay."
"No, of course not, Roz -" He stopped himself before he said my Russian nickname. I was holding my breath and my heart cried in pain wanting to hear it so badly. "Rose. I'd never want to see you suffer."
"So," I said trying to keep a straight face. "why?"
I wanted so badly to hear him say that he loved me. I've been waiting so long to hear that. If he said that... maybe everything would be ok. Maybe my broken heart would heal. But, no. Of course he didn't say that.
"I know what you want me to say," He said and I could see pain in his face. "But I can't say that. I just can't..."
"Why? Because it is not true?" I said holding back tears.
"That's the point. I don't know." he said. "I know that I'm being selfish. Please, Rose. I know that I have no right to ask you this, but... please... please... wait for me. Wait a little longer so that I can figure out my feelings. Maybe I do still love you, but it's just hidden. Maybe with time it will come out."
"And what do I do while waiting, Dimitri?" It was the first time that I said his name. "Do you want me to stay and watch you have sex with my best friend while you're ignoring me? Is that what you want me to do?"
"I… no." He said closing his eyes. "Of course not."
"Was it –" I took a deep breath. "Was it the first time you two did that?"
He opened his eyes. "Yes, it was. I swear."
"Why did you… do it?" I made the question that I most wanted to know. I was dying to know the answer… But at the same time, I didn't want to hear it. "Why did you have sex with her?"
"I – I don't know." He said looking at the ground. "She was talking about Christian and she was just so, so sad. I had to do something, then I –"
"You slept with her because she was sad?" I yelled.
"No, no, of course not. I just hugged her and then we were –"
"You know what? I don't want to hear this." I said feeling sick at his words. Dimitri said that he'd give anything to go back to the past. But I would give more than anything to get back to the day that he brought Lissa and me back to the academy. If we were still living in the human world our lives – or at least my life – would have been so much easier.
He nodded. "I'm sorry."
"Do you plan on doing this with her again?" I asked trying to keep my feelings hidden.
"No, Rose." He said quickly. "It was a mistake."
I nodded. "Was she better than me?" The question escaped my lips. I wanted this answer too, but it was weird asking someone this.
His eyes went wide. "What?"
"Was Lissa better than me in bed?" I repeated clearer this time.
"Huh…" Dimitri suddenly paled.
"Just say it, Dimitri."
"Well… I think that… when I made love with you was better because I loved you, you know? And when I was with her, Lissa… It didn't mean anything. I swear."
When I was with her, Lissa… He said that. It was disgusting hearing he said that he did made love with her when he knew I loved him. And it wasn't just any woman… It was Lissa my best friend.
I slapped him. "You make me sick!" I yelled. His face was red where I hit him. He was looking surprised at me like he couldn't believe what I had done. "Stay away from me. You're not my Dimitri. You are a monster. You're not the man I have once loved. My Dimitri is dead. My Dimitri would never do what you did." I didn't want to say that to him, but what he had done was killing me.
I started walking away but looked back when Dimitri called me.
"You don't mean that. I know you don't. You're just saying it because you're hurt now." He said. "But, I'm back, Rose. I'm back. Me. I'm not a strigoi anymore. I am a dhampir. I am the man you that you loved and still do. And I'm asking you. Please, stay."
"Well, if that is true," I said and turned around. "I can't believe that I was so stupid to fall in love with a fucking bastard like you."
And then I walked away without looking back.
"This is not the last time that you'll see me, Roza." I heard him say.
"I really hope that you're wrong, Comrade." I whispered to myself while walking toward the taxi.
LPOV
Everyone thought that I was a saint for bringing a strigoi back to his original state. Everyone thought that I was so important because I was the last Dragomir princess. Everyone had so much faith on me… But I didn't deserve any of it.
I didn't deserve my family title. I just didn't. I was just a stupid little girl. I didn't deserve to be the last Dragomir.
I didn't deserve anything I had. But mostly, I didn't deserve the most important things in the world. Love and friendship.
Rose, my only and truly best friend, was gone forever. And it was my entire fault. Rose and I have always been best friends… and I couldn't believe that I ruined our friendship. Rose has always been so protective towards me. We were like sisters.
I remembered a day when we were nine or ten years old. It was Saturday and we were at St. Vladimir's academy.
"Rose," I said while we were watching TV at the Moroi's dorm. "Don't you think it would be best if you did your homework?"
"Nope." She said barely looking at me.
"But, Rose," I said worried. "You haven't done your homework in weeks. Stan said that if you don't do it you'll be expelled."
She turned off the TV and looked at me. "I don't care what Stan said. He wasn't serious. I won't be expelled."
"But, Rose…" I said and felt tears coming out of my eyes. If Rose left school I wouldn't want to be here…
"Oh, Liss" Rose said coming closer and hugging me. "I won't be. I promise you."
"Rose –"
"I won't leave you, Liss. Never. I promise. You are my sister." She said confident.
She said that we were sisters. Thinking about it Rose was more than my best friend… She was the person I could tell all my secrets, she was the person that would always be there for me… she was my sister. "I love you, Rose. You're my sister. But please, do your homework."
She sighed. "Ok, I'll do it. But just because you asked me, Liss."
"Thank you!" I couldn't risk the chance of losing Rose. Maybe Stan wasn't serious about her being expelled but I didn't want to even imagine the possibility of it. I needed Rose with me. We were sisters.
But apparently I wasn't a good sister for her. Rose deserved a better friend. Rose had a hot temper and sometimes she was overprotective. True. But she'd always been the perfect best friend. But I ruined it. I ruined our friendship just like I ruined my relationship with Christian.
Christian was the perfect guy. He was the perfect boyfriend. But I ruined everything when I kissed Aaron. I was under Avery's compulsion, but I could have fought it. Just like Rose did earlier. But, the truth was, I was weak. I was so weak that I couldn't even fought the lust that I felt earlier for Dimitri. Dimitri! Rose's Dimitri! I would pay for the rest of my life because now Rose's gone. She left me. Of course, I couldn't blame her.
But I could still do something. I've lost Rose, but I wouldn't let myself lose Christian. He was the only thing that I had left, I wouldn't lose him too. I promised to myself as I walked towards his room.
I knocked at his door and a minute later he opened it. He was wearing loose pants and no T-shirt. "What are you doing here?" He asked. His hair was messy which made he looks so cute.
"I – I'm so – sorry." I said and I hadn't realized until than that I was crying. Looking at him I remembered all the happy moments that we spent together. And right now, I needed a happy moment. I needed Christian.
While I was looking into his beautiful ice blue eyes I remembered what I did earlier and I didn't deserve him. He was too good for me. He was amazing.
Suddenly I stepped forward and buried my face in his bare chest and instantly his arms embraced me. "I'm sorry, Christian… I'm so... so sorry."
"It's ok." He said stroking my hair.
"No… It is not." I said between sobs. "I don't deserve you."
"What? Liss look at me." He said, but I didn't move.
He cupped my face with his hand and gracefully lifted it so now I was facing him. We were only inches apart. "Liss, I'm sorry. I know that I've been acting like a jerk but… I was just acting this way because I couldn't stand the thought of you kissing another guy. But now I understand that you didn't do it on purpose. I know you wouldn't kiss another guy. It was just Avery's compulsion. So, Lissa, I'm sorry. Everything I did is because I love you so much. Can you forgive me?"
His words made me cry harder. After everything I did Christian still loved me. But he didn't know the truth… I was under compulsion when I kissed Aaron but I kissed Dimitri because I wanted. And I did a lot more than kissing him. How could I? How could I betray Christian and Rose? I didn't deserve any of them. "I don't deserve you." I whispered.
"Of course you do, Liss. Actually you deserve a lot better than me. But I love you and I promise you that if you give me another chance I won't screw things up never again. I swear." He said.
Oh my... I didn't deserve him. He was perfect. He was asking for another chance when I was supposed to ask that. He didn't know about what happened between Dimitri and I, and I wasn't going to tell him. He didn't need to know because that didn't mean anything. Anything at all. "I love you, Christian. And I'd be honor to be your girlfriend." I said.
He smiled and then his mouth was on mine. We kissed passionate at first but then it became something more. It was like we were trying to make up for all the time that we stayed apart. And while kissing Christian I swore to myself that I'd never let anything ruin our relationship ever again.
…
Okay, did you guys like it? I think Christian is so sweet! *-* But don't worry, he'll find out about Lissa and Dimitri…
And thank you once again for all the amazing reviews! I love them soooo much! Yay!
Xoxo
Mandy.
