Eighteen

She crossed her legs neatly and threw her backbag on the desk, she even didn't bother to remove the headphones from her ears, listening to Madonna's cassette and waiting for yet another boring geography lesson to start. She sat in the last desk by the window – as far from the teacher as she possibly could, her desk mate Marie yet to arrive. She did come in just after the teacher did, which caused Olivia to press stop on her brand new walkman and lower the headphones. Carelessly she took out the notebook and textbook, but didn't remove her backbag from the desk, using it as a shield from the teacher.

"Did you hear about Caitlin yet?" Marie asked, when their old teacher miss Turner was focused in talking about the last supercontinent Pangea.

"Nope," Olivia replied.

Marie shook her head and scratched her head, making her perfectly blonde hair fall messily on her sides.

"Rumor is that she slept with Johnny at last school party and now she's pregnant. Can you imagine having a baby now, I mean we're just 18, still in high school," Marie shared her information.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders – truth to be told, she wasn't that into gossip, mostly because she was scared that her own secret would come out. She has already had her fair share of teasing because of her lack of father, and if comes out his real connection… that would destroy her.

"Guess, I wouldn't wanna be in Caitlin's shoes right now," Olivia said casually after a short break.

Miss Turner made loud noise, which caused Olivia and Marie to turn their attention to their teacher and the current picture she had drawn on the blackboard, which was supposed to illustrate the breaking up of last supercontinent. The topic was interesting, but Olivia got the feeling that their teacher didn't know the subject that well herself, so her explanation seemed out of place, so the attention fell from her once again.

"Olivia, what's going on between you and Kevin?" Marie asked with a smirk.

"Um… Nothing?" Olivia replied with uncertainty – Kevin is her classmate, but that's all there is.

Marie nod, but made a clear face of not believing Olivia, "Well, you ditched Ruth for him in physics and he's been your chemistry lab partner for 3 years now," she went on teasing, hoping to get something juicy.

"Nothing's happening. He just sucks there and I'm helping him, or more like letting him copy my tests and homework," Olivia said casually.

"Oh, come on, you can't be that blind. He could go to anyone in this class for that problem, for example he could go to that dork Angelina, but he came to you," Marie continued.

Olivia shook her head with a smile, "Don't imagine things and pay attention Turner is about to turn herself over trying to separate Africa from South America," she said and pointed to the teacher, who was indeed in very awkward position, violently moving her hands in opposite direction on the blackboard, her body halfway facing the class and the emotion vivid in her eyes.

"She is a funny lady, when she's not mean," Marie said while trying not to laugh.

"True that," Olivia agreed.

Her gaze drifted over, where Kevin – her chemistry partner – sat, currently in seemingly vivid conversation with Mike and paying no attention to the teacher at all, wondering if Kevin could have a crush on her, because Olivia knew that she had a crush on him, has had it since sometime middle school. He couldn't be the same, could he? He's the most popular guy in class, probably the best looking too – he could have almost any girl, so he couldn't be interested in the dorky and gloomy girl that's Olivia… It's not possible.

"Benson, what was the result of this event?" Turner asked and turned to Olivia with her hands on her hips, fully aware that girls at the back had not been paying attention to her.

"The opening of Atlantic ocean," Olivia replied easily.

Turner pouted her lips, "Good, as the continents separated a new ocean was formed, and what is the name of the ocean that closed during the process?" she continued asking Olivia.

"Thetis Ocean," Olivia said, getting it right once again.

Turner nod and turned away from Olivia, back to the blackboard to continue explaining how continents as we know them now found their place.

The bell couldn't have ring fast enough, but when it finally did, everybody was out of the class as fast as they could. Some ran to the cafeteria, some to the library, but Marie and Olivia headed to their lockers to grab their jackets. They walked out of the school into the cool autumn air, and went around the school building and disappeared between apartment buildings, going to their usual quiet street.

Both Marie and Olivia took out their cigarettes and lighted them up.

"Oh, Turner didn't seem to want to finish," Marie complained.

"Yeah, but to think we have history with Tank next," Olivia said, the old teacher was called Tank, because of her heavy steps. Rumor has it, that you could hear from one side of the hall if she's coming from the other. The teacher was feared in school, but also respected, because she demanded more than other history teachers, but her students also got the best results and some of them went on to study history.

"Crap. If she wants to torture someone in front of the class, you go and save everybody else," Marie decided.

Before Olivia could reply, they heard some distant voiced and both girls had their cigarettes behind their backs, ready to drop them, but then the intruders came into sight – Kevin and Mike. A sigh of relief came over them, when boys joined them.

"You weren't afraid of us, were you?" Kevin teased.

"Of course not," Marie snapped.

Kevin and Mike looked smug with their now burning cigarettes in hands.

"Olivia, did you find the answer to 6th question Tank gave us?" Mike asked.

"Um… We had homework?" Olivia asked uncertainly, she didn't remember getting any last time.

"I take it as no," Mike said, unsatisfied, "But do you anything about the plan Barbarossa?"

Olivia breathed out smoke, thought for a moment and closed her eyes, trying to remember, "Was that Hitler's plan to attack the Soviet Union?" she asked.

"I don't know," Mike said unhelpfully.

"Yeah, I think it was. It had 3 wings, North went through the Baltic countries to Leningrad, East went to Moscow and South was through Ukraine to Stalingrad. I believe it was that," Olivia said, this time more certain of herself.

"If Tank wants to crucify someone, then you're up – you know enough not survive with flying colors," Kevin said to Olivia.

"That's what I said," Marie agreed.

Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head.

No-one spoke until all of them had finished. Kevin took out shoe gum and offered it to everybody before they returned to familiar school for another hour of torture.

"We have anything else after this?" Kevin asked, when they entered the building.

"Nope," Mike replied.

"Crap, we're late," Olivia said looking at the time.

4 of them ran to the 4th floor, where their history lesson took place and silently entered the classroom.

"Nice of you to join us," Tank snapped, when last four students went to their places, "Now, I hope you all did your homework, because I want to hear about it."

The silence took over, with Tank looking over at the class diary for the next victim to torture in front of everyone, while students tried to get to know everything in those few seconds.

"Taylor, come in front of the class and talk about what you studied," Tank said finally.

A sigh of relief took over in the class, with everybody else, except Annabel Taylor – the dumbest girl in the class – looking relieved and excited for what's about to happen.

Kevin and Mike turned around so they were facing Marie and Olivia.

"It's gonna be good," Mike exclaimed.

"Fantastic," Marie agreed.

"You better study, she might want someone smart to show how it's done after Annabel totally shames herself," Kevin said to Olivia and winked.

Olivia nod and pointed at boys to look ahead – Tank had her sight set on them. Boys complied and everybody watched as the teacher totally destroyed Annabel for not even knowing the basics of the World War II, not even the fighting sides. As Kevin predicted Olivia was up next, and her extraordinary listening memory helping her through all the questions Tank threw at Olivia, so there was another A for Olivia, who walked back to her desk with a wicked smile.

The lesson concluded with Tank talking about the ending of War in Europe and then let students go with another load of homework for the next time.

Olivia headed towards her locker, grabbed her gymbag and went to the locker room, where her teammates were already changed.

Olivia was in girls soccer team and they had practice on every Monday and Friday. She played in the midfield, wearing number 10 jersey, as her favorite player French wizard Michel Platini does for France and Juventus. She also plays as attacking midfielder.

Their coach and former player Antonio Sanchez walked in to see everybody ready except for Olivia, who was sitting on the bench, chatting with her teammates.

"You're late again Benson, get changed and do 30 crunches, others four laps," Antonio ordered.

He left with the girls, leaving Olivia alone to change. Thankful to be alone Olivia pulled sweatshirt and t-shirt over her head to uncover her scarred biceps and lower abdomen, where fresh knife wounds lie. Quickly she pulled her long-sleeved jersey over her head, changed her jeans into shorts and put on her soccer boots, then joined others for warm up after doing her crunches of course. The pain cut through her every time because of the fresh cuts covering her abdomen.

The practice was common with team separated into two and then playing against each other. Olivia found herself yet again playing against the main defenders along with their star attacker Dana. They had formed a partnership, which seemed to work well against their opponents, with Olivia getting the ball and delivering a pass to Dana, where the other girl could get a shot, usually ending with a goal.

Olivia wasn't particularly good at soccer, but she was better than most but then again it's easier to shine as attacker than defender because in the end glory is given to the scorers not those, who keep opponents from scoring.

The practice ended with Olivia setting up 3 goals and netting 2 of her own, gaining points in the eyes of a coach and teammates of course. They had a big game coming in next weekend, so they had to be prepared.

After practice Olivia grabbed her things and went home as usual, she rarely showered in school these days. To her great surprise she met Kevin in front of the school – he had been here so late also.

"What are you doing here so late?" she asked.

"Had to retake last English test, you?" Kevin replied.

"Soccer practice," Olivia replied.

They started walking toward home – Kevin lived in a house across from Olivia, stopping at their regular corner for cigarettes.

On the way they discussed regular things like school to the upcoming World Cup in Mexico – Kevin was also playing soccer, so they had that in common.

"You going to the school dance next month?" Kevin asked casually.

"Wasn't planning on, I have big game coming up, been practicing and focusing on school all the time," Olivia replied sadly.

"Right, the semi-finals," Kevin remembered.

"Yeah, would be nice to win, we've made it so far," Olivia said proudly.

Kevin stopped for a moment, Olivia walked on, but seeing Kevin stopping, turned around.

"10, that's Maradona's number," he commented and caught up with Olivia.

"More like Platini," Olivia remarked.

"I'd go with Maradona. I think Argentine has better chances at winning than France," Kevin voiced his opinion.

"Maybe," Olivia said.

"Hey, we could go practice some soccer tomorrow, got nothing to do anyway," Kevin proposed.

"Sounds like a plan," Olivia agreed.

They got to Kevin's apartment building, where they said goodbyes and went in separate ways.

Serena was at home, when Olivia got there. She went straight to her room, briefly greeting her mother and then headed to showers. Even in home she usually wore long sleeves, but this time she chose a short sleeved t-shirt and sweatpants.

Olivia was surprised, when her mother called her for dinner later – Serena rarely cooked. So Olivia went to the kitchen and took a seat opposite to her mother and enjoyed home cooked meal she so rarely had these days.

"How was school?" Serena asked and put vine glass to her mouth, sipping it eagerly before placing it back on the table.

"Got A in history," Olivia replied shortly.

"Good, I'm proud of you Olivia," Serena said.

Olivia nod and absentmindedly put her left hand on the table. Neither of them spoke for awhile, but then Serena grabbed Olivia's forehand, where a fading scar with her name was located.

"When did you do this?" Serena asked.

Olivia looked down – she had almost forgotten to hid that one, otherwise her forehands were almost clean of cutting.

"Some time ago," she replied shortly.

"Huh," Serena said in disapproval, "A mistake you made as young girl, but something to stay with you for you whole life."

"Guess so," Olivia said dully, she had not intended her mother to find out, but her reaction could have been much worse. Seemed like Serena wanted to acknowledge it, but chose to take the topic any further, and for that Olivia was grateful.

The conversation died out with that, the rest of dinner was eaten in silence and when it was over, then Olivia descended to her room like always. She cursed herself for being so careless – she should know better by now. It's been over 2 years since she first found the piece of glass and so far she has been successful in hiding everything. Until now…

She felt the urge to reach in her drawer and take out the knife she was hiding there, but she didn't. Instead she put out the lights and got into bed. She didn't fall asleep though, instead she kept on staring outside from the window – she rarely bothered with putting on the curtains these days.

Olivia had become to love the stars outside, wishing to be free like them. Needing to be free and careless – she has had it with this world, she has had enough. But she knows there is no escape now, she feels like she's stuck, but it's only one more year and then she's done with high school. At this moment she feels intrigued with history – it is certain and in a way that's what Olivia needs between the shades of every color she knows. The second thought is to study some environmental or physical sciences, but these are just thoughts. The truth is that she has no idea, what to do with her life after she graduates in the spring. But the uncertainty and not knowing is what draws her towards the sky – wishing, needing, to be free just like the stars, because by now she has realized that she'll never be like the others – she'll never be as careless and self-centered as the people she knows. Because unlike them, love did not bring her here and since the day one she has not been wanted, by anyone literally.

Slowly her eyelids get heavy and she drifts to peaceful world of dreams – well, she wishes to drift into peaceful and dreamless sleep, but in reality, her dreams are rarely that, they are mostly nightmares, haunting her while she's wide awake – controlling her every move. The childhood dream of her father coming and rescuing her has disappeared and nightmare of a faceless man, who claims to be her father, takes her and does the same thing to her, that brought her to this world. The faceless man is haunting her dreams, but also when she's wide awake – never leaves her alone. And the current night is not different from the others, it's always the same.

So, when she's wide awake, she dreams of being free and escaping the hell that's become her life.

***SVU***

She's on the soccer field in her gray knee length sweatpants and nr. 10 jersey with Olivia written on the back – it was her choice, because in a way she despised her last name and now usually didn't even reply to Benson, just Olivia.

She is using the time she has to run around the field, warming up and then run with ball, so she is ready to play when Kevin finally appears.

"I'm sorry, I slept in," he quickly apologizes.

"No worries, I just finished my warm–up," Olivia replied easily and threw the ball to Kevin.

"God, my head hurts. My sister had a frat party last night at our place, my parents are in vacation, so it went so overboard. The beer and the vodka, oh… Now I know it was a bad idea, but I had so much fun last night with Monica," Kevin explained and passed the ball back to Olivia.

"Sounds like you had fun last night," Olivia commented, feeling a little jealous.

"Yeah, it really was a good night, today we'll have another party," he said and his eyes suddenly lit up.

Olivia waited, she waited to get invited, but the invitation never came, so she chose to change to subject, "We'll we're here to practice soccer, right?" she said.

"Yeah," Kevin agreed, "My head is killing me, so I'll be the goalie and you can try to get past me," he said confidently and went to the goal. He made some warm–up moves to show off and then nod.

Olivia took the ball and went just outside the penalty box, placed the ball neatly on the spot and counted her 4,5 steps from the ball. She measured the distance in her head and then did her run to the ball, shooting just below the upper left corner, Kevin did touch the ball, but it landed in the net.

"Hah, you suck," Olivia teased.

"No, you're a girl and I'm a gentleman, so I let you net the first one," he said back, winking at her.

Olivia laughed and Kevin threw the ball to her, this time Olivia didn't wait for the ball to stop moving, instead she shot with the first touch and this time Kevin did catch the ball.

"Told ya," he winked.

Olivia nod, but she was not convinced, so Kevin threw the ball to her again and Olivia looked for the place to shoot.

They continued this game for awhile, passing flirty comments along the way. Then they changed the positions with Olivia being the goalkeeper and Kevin attacking. Mike passed by the field and Kevin asked him to join them, so there they practiced passing and trying to get a shot.

After few hours of showing off and practice, they all sat down on the ground to rest, their breathing labored from the running.

"She'd good you know," Mike said to Kevin, Mike was also playing soccer in local boys team.

"She has to be, they are in semi-finals," Kevin said.

"If she's playing then I'm watching, our school could win it at once," Mike said.

"You know I'm right here," Olivia interrupted, because it seemed like guys had forgotten it.

"Yeah," the boys said in unison.

"So, who's your captain?" Mike asked.

"Dana, the star forward," Olivia said.

"She's hot," Kevin said, earning a disapproving look from Olivia.

"But also good. I heard there are scouts coming for her the next game," Mike said knowingly.

"Coach said something about that, yeah," Olivia replied.

"You play good and you'll get noticed too," Mike gave her a compliment.

Olivia laughed and nod, but she was sure Mike was saying that just to tease her – Olivia was not that good.

"We'll be coming to the game anyway," Kevin said firmly.

"To support our own superstar," Mike said and put his hand on Olivia's shoulder, giving it a good squeeze and then removing it.

"Well, it was nice, but I have to go now. Gotta set up the party," Kevin said looking at his watch.

All of them got up, Olivia packed her ball and other gear in her bag and they started going home.

"See you later then," Mike said and headed to the other direction.

Both Olivia and Kevin said their goodbyes and continued their walk in silence until they reached Olivia's building.

"See you in Monday," Olivia said.

"Yeah, see you," Kevin said and kept on walking, while Olivia went home.

She got home to see her mother gone, so she took a shower and went to her room. She took out the biology book and started reading the chapters they were having test on Tuesday. Suddenly she didn't feel that left out for not being invited to the party, because she knew she'll never be like them. She has way too much on her shoulders to be like the people she goes to school with, though she had no idea about the battles everybody else were fighting, but judging by the way they talked, relationships, alcohol and gossip were the most common things.

***SVU***

The big day was finally here. All girls were in the locker room, getting ready for the big match and their coach giving them the last wishes and recommendations for the game, as well as explaining the game plan.

"In defending I want everybody falling back to help. We are not gonna lose this game, so defending is priority, but Olivia and Dana will stay in the midfield. You get the ball, you pass it to them and we'll be good at counter attack," the coach explained.

"So we're using the centre, not wings?" Karen, the right midfielder asked.

"Yeah, our best bet is Benson," the coach gave affirmative answer.

"But we gain more by using the sides. Both Karen and Siena are fast, they could be the key," Olivia argued.

"Yeah, that's why Benson in running more on the right side than in the center. Their left defense is weak, so we are gonna use that. It will be the moment of surprise for them," Coach Antonio Sanchez said.

"Karen, you will be more of a center player, but you and Benson will be changing the positions to create more confusion. You have done it in practice, so you'll do it again today," Sanchez continued.

"And our mission is to get the ball to Dana," Karen confirmed.

"Yes, we're hoping Dana will score again and take us the final," coach confirmed.

They bundled up in a group and put their hands all together.

"Go Tigers," they shouted and ran to the field, their couch behind them.

First the lineups were read from the speakerphone and then the sides were selected. The opponents had ball.

The game started slow, their opponents passed the ball between each other, making no real attempts to attack. Finally the midfield got the ball and it was Olivia's team turn to pass it. But they too dreaded carefully to the opponents goal, passing it between each other comfortably. At last Dana got the ball and shot, but it was off target. The first half passed like that, the score line still 0-0.

The second half started more aggressively, with their opponents finally sneaking behind the defenders and earning a penalty, which was then shot to the back of the net. 0-1, and Olivia's team was behind.

They got their chance moments later, when ball was passed to Olivia, who had moved to the right side and sprinted towards their opponent's goal with just one defender in her way and the other chasing her. She went along and reached the box, but before she could shoot, she noticed Dana in the center, completely unmarked. She made the pass and Dana being a sharp shooter made the score even again 1-1.

That pissed of the other team that concluded with more robust and aggressive play. Tigers got another chance, when Dana got the ball and dribbled with the defenders, but before she could take a shot, defender tackled her.

Olivia was first to arrive to Dana after the referee had whistled for a foul.

"You okay?" she asked, when Dana was on the ground and holding onto her right foot.

Dana shook her head and motioned for medics to run to the field.

The coach got the message that Dana had to be substituted. With a help from medics the captain limped to the bench, but she passed the captain's armband to Olivia.

Martha ran to the field to replace Dana, she came to the free kick spot, where Karen, Olivia and Angela from the left side were standing.

"Sanchez wants Olivia behind the ball. She'll be the captain and we move the play to the center midfield," she said quietly.

Everybody nod.

Olivia placed the ball on the spot, where the foul was made and scanned her surroundings. Ironically it was the same spot she delivered a nice shot, when she was playing with Kevin and Mike. She looked to the crowd to see her class mates, but she couldn't find them.

She took a deep breath and counted the steps. In her mind she measured the distance and the wall's location, then started running and hit the ball. She closed her eyes tightly, not daring to look, it was when crowd was getting loud and her team mates were cheering, that she opened them.

She scored. On 85th minute with just 5 minutes to play, she scored. A smile appeared on her face and she ran to the corner flag post, throwing herself on her knees and enjoying the noise crowd made. Her team came around her and everybody cheered with her.

They had 5 minutes to play – 5 minutes away from the finals.

They game started again with the other team going straight towards the goal, but this time defenders were ready and got the ball, passing it to Olivia instantly and she used her speed and dribbling skills to get past the remaining two defenders and faced the goal keeper, she made a movie to the right and the goal keeper jumped to catch it, while Olivia managed to shoot the ball to the empty left corner, making the score 3-1.

The celebration followed, her teammates praising Olivia for the 2 goals and the supporters being now certain that their team is in the finals.

Referee added 4 more minutes of extra time and during the time Olivia managed to score one more goal, making her the hat trick hero right before the final whistle was heard. The Tigers were running honor laps around the field, forming a tight circle right in front of their supports side, most of whom had ran to the field to congratulate the players, Olivia being the centre of it all, her goals did take them to the finals and to no surprise she was named the (wo)man of the match.

"I told you, you will play good," Mike said, when he made it through the crowd and reached Olivia.

"Yeah, you did," Olivia said with a smile.

Mike gave her a hug and Kevin joined in.

"I'm proud of my girl," he whispered.

"We're in the finals," Olivia said happily after the guys had released her.

"And I'm sure you'll win," Mike said with a wink.

Their conversation was cut short, because coach Sanchez pulled her away.

"There are some people, who want to talk to you," he said and directed Olivia to two mid-aged males in suits, "They're scouts."

Olivia shook hands with them and then listened to their offer.

"We're from Siena's college, and we'd be interested, if you'd join us in the fall. Your ball control is impressive and your ability to switch between positions," one of them said.

"But I'm not senior, I'll be attending high school next year," Olivia said.

"Well, that's a pity," the other one said.

"But still we'd like you to join us, if not next year, then the year after that," the first one said.

"Wow, that's great," Olivia said.

"You could start practicing with us in the summer, and then you get the idea, of what we're offering," the fist scout said.

"And of course you would be on full scholarship," the other added.

"Our team is competing in the highest college league in the States, and we have won the Championship couple of times, lastly 2 years ago," one of the scouts said.

"Wow, it's an honor," Olivia said, loss of words.

She was given a card with a number to call if she's interested and promise that she'll have a spot in the starting lineup along with best wishes for the final and then she was free to join the celebrations.

Kevin caught her, when she returned and pulled her away.

"Party at my place, we have to celebrate the victory, invite your teammates and come. My sister promised to get everything we need," Kevin said cheerfully.

"I'll be there and I'll spread the word around," Olivia promised.

"Perfect," Kevin said and excused himself.

Olivia noticed most of her teammates still on the field, accepting good wishes and being overjoyed, so she slipped out and went to the dressing rooms already. It was empty, so she quickly got undressed and got her things and headed to the showers. She took a quick shower and to her great luck the dressing room was still empty, when she got out. Olivia got dressed again, putting on her casual outfit – jeans and gray sweatshirt. She was there drying her long hair, when others came.

"And we thought you ditched us," Dana said seeing Olivia. She came over and hugged Olivia, thanking her for the great game.

"Just came to take shower," She said easily, "By the way, there's a party at Kevin's to celebrate. We're all invited."

"Oh, we are so going," Martha said and everybody shared her enthusiasm.

"My God, Kevin's so hot," Karen said to herself.

"Dream on girl, he's got hots for Liv," Dana said laughing.

"Kev doesn't have hots for Liv, Kev is Liv's friend," Olivia said from the other side of lockers.

"You keep telling yourself that girl," Dana said and made a face.

Olivia shook her head, but it went unseen to others.

It took them about an hour and then everybody was ready to leave. The stadium was empty by the time they walked across it and headed to Kevin's place. Some girls knew, where he lived and they had been there before, but mostly they followed Olivia's lead – she was the one, who got the invitation after all. The walk was not quiet, girls were happy, because they reached the finals, something they hadn't done in past years, so it was a milestone. Olivia was of course overjoyed, but she stayed quiet.

Finally they got to Kevin's place and entered, when the party was already in full swing. People noticed their arrival and they greeted the winners, coming to them and pulling the whole team in a group hug. Mike greeted Olivia and pulled her away from the circle and lead her to the kitchen, he handed Olivia a beer, capped it off and clicked the bottle with the one he was holding.

"I'm so glad you could make it," he said sincerely.

"Me too," Olivia said and drank her beer.

"You know I was positive, that girls can't play soccer, but now I'm positive that they can, all because of you," he said.

"Don't judge the book by it's cover," Olivia replied laughing.

Mike nod and eagerly gulped his beer.

"So Olivia, you are full of surprises – you know how to play soccer, you act like a good girl, almost perfect teacher's pet, but you smoke, you drink… Is there anything else I don't know about you?" Mike asked, counting the things he knows about Olivia.

"If I tell you everything, then where the surprise is?" she asked, "Besides you're not so open and shut either, because you act like a jackass, while I know you're not."

Mike laughed, and nod.

"Let's go out, I need a cigarette right now," Mike proposed.

Olivia nod, so both of them headed out of the party and went behind the dumpsters to offer them cover in case someone walked by – their parents, neighbors, teachers… anyone familiar or then the biggest fear of all – cops. They took a seat on some wooden crate and enjoyed the silence and fresh air, not to cold, but not too warm either.

"So star player, you have your eye set on someone?" Mike asked suggestively after awhile.

"Nope," Olivia said firmly – really she had no time for boys, because her problems are more serious.

"So you're not Kevin's girl?" Mike asked.

Olivia laughed and shook her head.

"Good," Mike said, placed his beer on the dumpster and threw the cigarette on the ground.

Before Olivia could react she was pressed against the wall, Mike's lips on hers and his body covering her. He was straightforward, but he was not annoyingly forward. Olivia found herself kissing him back, she dropped her own cigarette and her hands ended up around Mike's neck, her fingers in his short hair and his on her back, trailing downwards to cup her bottom.

They heard voices and bolted away from each other, awkwardly trying to look casual. To their luck they weren't confronted, instead some people left the party and by the sound of it, they were drunk.

"Maybe we should get back inside," Olivia suggested.

"Yeah, I bet they're missing us already," Mike agreed.

"There are many people and we weren't gone too long, so we'll be okay," Olivia thought.

Mike laughed, took Olivia's hand and let her lead them back inside. She was right, they were not missed, but now a group of people, including Dana and Kevin were sitting around the table, taking what seemed to be vodka shots.

"Mike and Benson, come on join us," Kevin shouted and brought 2 shot glasses from the kitchen cabinet.

"Does good girl Benson also drink vodka?" Mike asked Olivia in whisper.

"Actually I quit about a year ago," Olivia said honestly, winked at Mike and sat down in the armchair, where Kevin was previously.

Mike laughed and then took a seat across from Olivia, Kevin came back and sat on the armrest of the chair Olivia was occupying. He poured vodka to all of their glasses, they clicked them together, shouting "Go Tigers" and emptied them. Olivia made a face, then reached for the orange juice and used it to wash away the taste of vodka.

"Let's play truth or dare," Kevin proposed.

"Oh yeah," Dana responded instantly.

The general crowd agreed, so they had a game for the night.

"I'm gonna start, my idea," Kevin said, he looked around the table for the perfect person and finally set his eyes on Olivia.

"Olivia, truth or dare?" he asked.

"Truth," Olivia responded quickly.

"Hmm… Have you ever made out with someone, because you were drunk?" Kevin asked.

"Yes," Olivia said simply, going back to the time about a year ago, when she was seeing that drunk driver Allan, who was way too wrong for her, but he was 21 and got the booze and she seemed to like him much more, when she was drunk. Thank god, she got out, when she did.

Kevin wolf whistled by her side, poured vodka for everybody, then they took it and Olivia looked around to pick her victim.

"Dana, truth or dare?" she asked her teammate.

"Dare," Dana said confidently.

"I dare you to take 3 shorts in row," Olivia said wickedly, knowing that's enough to get Dana drunk.

Dana agreed and took the shorts, while others cheered for her.

The game went on until the bottle was empty and the questions got more intimate and personal. Olivia excused herself to go to the bathroom, the others continued to play. Most of the party quests had left already, so it was pretty quiet. When she came back, she stopped suddenly, hearing the question Dana asked.

"So Kev, do you wanna fuck Benson?" she asked.

Olivia's stopped breathing for a moment and stood still on the other side of the wall, out of sight, but not out of hearing range.

"Of course I want to fuck her. Look at her ass and the breasts she has, man I'd love to fuck her between them, make the good girl scream," Kevin explained vividly, "Mike, what about you?"

"You kidding me. I'd do anything to feel those full boobs under my hands. Oh, I'd fuck her senseless," Mike agreed.

"So, Mike, what do you say? We make a bet on who gets to fuck her first, or maybe we can do her at the same time?" Kevin proposed.

"We have a deal," Mike agreed.

Olivia suddenly felt sick, she wanted to scream or smash something – how could she have been that stupid, of course they just wanted to get between her legs like she was some cheap whore.

She crossed the hallway, grabbed her gymbag by the door and her coat, then she was out of the door with no intentions to go back. Some girls might feel flattered that the popular guys wanted her, but she felt disgusted – why guys only have to be out on one thing? Both Mike and Kevin had been nice to her, but secretly both of them just wanted to sleep with her. If the world is so cruel, how could she trust men? Up until now none of them has given her reason to.

She had 2 cigarettes, pushed up against the same wall, where she and Mike shared the kiss mere hours before. Then she calmed herself down a little and went home. The apartment was quiet as always, Serena was probably asleep already. So Olivia went to her room, threw the bag on the floor and sat on her bed. She threw the sweatshirt over her head, leaving her in a white t-shirt, she looked over at her upper arms and saw red lines in places blood had flown just days ago.

She opened the desk drawer and took out the kitchen knife she hid; she held it in her hands for awhile, then ran it over her shoulders, carefully cutting previously unharmed skin and let the pain free her. She was angry at life, at guys, at everything it seemed, but now as the blood ran and the sharp pain cut through her, she started to calm down. She started to feel the relief she so desperately needed.

Olivia placed pillow under her neck and got down on her back, she lifted her shirt over her abdomen and put the blade against the skin on her abdomen, she made just one cut, slightly to the right side and let it be.

It was until she noticed the blood flowing across her side and dropping to the t-shirt, that she acted fast and got out tissue to clean the blood and then press it against her upper left arm and abdomen. It took her awhile to get the blood to stop, then she brushed her teeth, got a glass of water and pills for her probable headache in the morning, placed them on the counter, changed into pajamas and got under the blankets. Of course the knife ended up in the bottom of her drawer just like it was before.

Before she fell asleep, she looked outside the window, she really didn't bother with the curtains anymore. She wondered if there comes a day, when she could be fine without inflicting pain on herself or if she's ever ready to talk about it, but there is just one thing she knows – she'll never be like her classmates, she could never be so easy and careless, because Olivia has something to worry about, she has seen enough to worry.

She turned eighteen just days ago, finding strength in her scars,
They say in this year she has grown to like the falling stars –
She wants to escape and be free, like stars above her head,
Knowing that she will never be like them sitting on sled.
With long sleeves and her mouth kept shut, she hides behind cigars,
When she looks for a place to cut between her healing scars.