Body Disclaimer: Still not mine. Big surprise, huh? Still not profiting. Bigger surprise, huh? Sheesh.

Warning: sex. Gay sex. Don't like it, go away.

Rating: for this part, I should think an NC-17 is in order. All you little kiddies that don't dig this sort of thing or are of an inappropriate age, don't go whining to your mummy when your innocent little mind is tainted with these images. The rating ain't just for kicks, you know.

Pairing: the oddest pairing and I blame Kimagure wholeheartedly.

A/N: As a result of MiniMe's review. I don't exactly know where this came from. Spur of the moment. In fact, I just finished before posting. Like right now, even! Right... So, read on, kiddies! Please enjoy.

Apocalypse Now and I Feel Fine

"I'm not sure if I should be sick or what."

"I think I'm leaning more to the 'or what' end of that scale," Ron replies. His face is all flushed and he's got this like... sated look.

I'm sure I look about as bad as he does, but after witnessing that, how could anyone not? I mean, watching Harry and Seamus.... er... you know, is rather.... Wow. I've never really fancied myself as swinging that way, but I think they just changed my mind. Or at least gave me a very strong argument.

"I'm going outside," I inform Ron. "I think some really cold, fresh air would do me some good."

"Mm," he hums distractedly. Oh, dear. I'll bet Ronnikins is contemplating going back up there. "See ya 'round, huh, Nev?"

"Ahh, sure."

God, I hope he doesn't. Harry and Seamus do a fine job keeping me up at night, I don't want Ron to add to that. Well, he probably wouldn't, anyway, you know. Best friend factor, and all. Besides, Harry is rather possessive of that kid. God only knows why.

"Making more accidents, Longbottom?"

Of all the stupid, bleeding wankers I had to run into it would be Draco sodding Malfoy. "Yes, on your shoes, Malfoy. Sod off."

"Feisty today, are we?" he says as he hops in front of me. He's bouncing around like Seamus does. This is the weirdest day of my entire life. "Come on, Longbottom! What's up? Don't wanna play with Draky today?"

Mm. No, Neville, don't even fucking think about that. That is wrong. Wrong. So very, very, very, very wrong. "No, Draky, I sure don't."

Did I really just hear Draco Malfoy giggle? No. I didn't. That would have to be a physical impossibility. Malfoys cannot laugh in anything other than spite or malice. Then again, I also thought that they couldn't bounce around like insane, Irish twits, either. Learn something new everyday, huh?

"I'll play nice," he says, grinning still.

"What the hell is wrong with everyone today?" I shout without really meaning to.

"I feel fine, Nev. Thanks!"

"Nev?" Okay, I think it's time I ran the fuck away right now. Crabbe and/ or Goyle is going to jump out and pummel me at any moment. 'Course, that might make this irritating situation end that much sooner. "Listen, Malfoy, I've got-"

"A very nice bum if I do say so myself," he finishes for me as he glances around to look at my backside, his hands clasped behind his back as he rocks on the balls of his feet.

Okay. This is the apocalypse. The end of the world. Hell has frozen over. Or someone slipped some kind of very serious hallucinogen into my food this morning. Perhaps I've got a fever. Yes. That's it. I'm delirious. I'm delusional. That's all this is. I'm going to go back up to Gryffindor Tower, crawl into my bed, and not come out until it's time for class tomorrow.

"Oh, you're no fun," Draco whines, hopping in front of me again. He's fake-pouting and has his arms crossed over his chest.

"Malfoy, what is wrong with you?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out."

"Try a little harder. I'm sure you're bound to figure it out sometime."

"I think maybe you can help me," he says rather huskily as he starts stalking towards me.

"Ahm... Malfoy? Wh-what are you doing?"

Oh shit. The bastard would choose a dead end to back me into, wouldn't he? Bleeding sod. Well, on the positive side, looks like neither Crabbe nor Goyle are here at the moment. Please god just let me get out of this in one piece.

"Taking your advice," he replies cheerfully. "It's okay, luvvie, just relax."

"Around you? Ha!"

"Oh, honestly! You make it out like I torment you all the time or something." He starts giggling again. Too. Fucking. Weird. "Oh, wait! I do. Sorry. Changed my mind, I guess."

"Something is very, very wrong with you."

"You're not the first to tell me that."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Holy god. Oh my lord. Draco Malfoy has just kissed me. On the lips. Very nicely, I might add. This has got to be the end of the world as we know it. As I know it, at least.

"You're kinda cute when you're all nervous," he says, grinning again.

Yeah, and you're kinda cute all the time. Oh, god. I did not just think that. I didn't. I could not have. It's impossible. Where is my mind?

"Come on." He grabs my hand and starts dragging me up the hall.

"Where are we going?"

He pulls open a door and drags me in behind him. I can't see a goddamn thing. It is totally pitch black in here. Oh, god. Please don't let him do whatever it is that he's planning on doing. Oh, my. Oh, wow.

"Malf- stop that."

"Mm. No."

He's licking my neck. "Stop. It. Malfoh my god."

Oh, that's nice. That is really nice. He's biting me now and his hands are on my hips. This is so beyond incredibly wrong, you don't know. Oh, no. Not that. Anything but that. He will not be nice. He won't make me like the way he's kissing my neck.

"Stop it."

"Call me Draco."

"Stop it, Draco."

"No."

He's licking my chest. His hands are inside my robe now and they are very, very soft. He's behaving, relatively speaking. At least he isn't trying to get into my trousers. I can pretend this never happened. I can forget about this. Well, probably not after getting pounded when he lets his game go. That's okay. I can handle a beating. Better than submitting to this guy.

Maybe not. "Oh, god, stop it." That didn't sound like 'stop it' so much as it sounded like 'don't ever stop'. I am not helping myself in the slightest.

Draco's giggling again. His hands are sliding around my waist now and I can feel his forehead pressing against mine.

"You should just relax, you know," he whispers. I can feel his breath on my face. "I won't bite." He kisses me on the lips again. "Unless you want me to, that is."

Um. Yeah, I did like that biting thing he was doing. Stop it, Neville! Don't think about it. Get the hell out of here. You don't want him to keep doing this. Right. And the Pope's not Catholic.

"Draco, let me go," I say as a last attempt. If he doesn't let me go... I guess I'm fucked, huh? Oh, god. I said not to think about it, Neville.

Oh. He did. Well. That's gotta be a first.

"You know, if you just let me have my way with you, this would all be over so much faster," he states very simply.

"Ah. What have you done with that asshole, Malfoy?" Very intelligent, kiddo. Real scathing, that.

Great. Now he's just giggling insanely. Where the hell is that door?

"Seems that asshole, Malfoy, has a hard-on for you," he giggles as he wraps his arms around me again.

And that he certainly does. Oh, dear. Wow. This shouldn't feel so sodding good. It shouldn't. He's grinding his hips against mine now. And this is making it very difficult for me to want to get away. Oh, no. Now I've totally blown it. I moaned. And he giggled. Still is, in fact.

"Like that?" he asks.

"No." I think that was the most transparent lie I have ever told in my entire life.

"Your body would suggest otherwise."

"Oh my fucking god."

That feels good. And his hands are now undoing the button and zipper on my jeans. Please god just let me not get the shit beat out of me when I'm done. He takes my right hand and... Dear. I hope he doesn't want me to take that. That would be painful, I imagine. He's fucking... wow.

"So?" he asks, giggling. "What do you think?"

"Hung like a three-year-old," I reply, unable to stifle my own laughter.

"Hmm. I could say the same."

Squeezing me isn't... fuck. That feels really sodding good. His right hand is squeezing my cock and his left is stroking the back of my neck. Who would have ever thought that someone as sadistic as Draco Malfoy could ever be so gentle? I feel his hand trail down my chest as he sinks to his knees. Is he really going to do what I think he's going to do?

Yes, he certainly is. Wow. His mouth feels fucking amazing. That kid has some serious talent with his tongue. I wonder how often he drags clumsy nerds into deserted closets to give blow jobs. Apparently very often.

"Oh, god, Draco," I moan involuntarily. I can feel his lips stretch into a smile around my erection. He doesn't seem to mind that I've rested my hands on his head. I don't want to push him, I just like touching his hair. He's purring now. Weird. Beyond sodding weird.

Suddenly, I can't feel anything but I can hear myself panting. God. I didn't know it was possible to get so painfully aroused so fast. Oh, wow. I can feel him pressing up against me. His back is pressing up against me and I can feel my cock slip between his ass cheeks. He groans when I reach around to grab him.

"Oh, that's nice, Nev," he purrs quietly as he grinds back against me. After a strangled gasp he says, "Fuck me."

No one has ever said that to me before. First time for everything, sure, but considering the source, I'm not sure if I should be scared or thrilled. I think the latter is definitely more the case. Especially when considering the source. But shit. I don't have any lubricant or anything. And I could totally see me hurting him and him running to get a body guard. That would be amusing as much as it would hurt. I could see him sniveling and crying, 'Nev didn't get me ready, Crabbe. Kick his sorry ass.'

"Right now," he says, pushing back against me.

"I don't want to hurt you."

He laughs. "If you hurt me, I deserve it. Actually... Wait a second. Is this your first time?"

I am not confirming that.

"Okay, then." He grabs my hand and I can feel him sucking on my index finger. When he places it at his opening I can tell that it's dripping. "Just... aahhh.... yeah. Like that," he gasps as I begin pushing it into him.

"Wow," I hear myself mutter. He's tight. And hot. And god does he feel fucking amazing. "You okay?"

"Uh-huh." He's pushing back against me. More purrs come from his throat.

"Like that?"

"No." He giggles again, but this time the sound is rather strangled. "Will you quit playing around and just do it already?"

Okay. Guess it's now or never. Fine by me anywaow. "God, Draco," I moan as I slide easily into him. He wriggles his hips as he pushes back, forcing me all the way inside. He cries out and I'm suddenly very worried about his well-being. "Are you okay?"

"Ffffiiiinne," he moans. "Oh, yes. Twist your hips," he demands. When I do, he cries out again and screams 'yes' at the top of his voice. I hope nobody decides to choose this moment to walk down the hall. Rather awkward explanation, I would think.

'Um, Neville, what are you doing with your cock up Malfoy's ass?'

'Oh, just killing some time.'

Yeah, right. That'd go over really well. And with my luck it would be someone like Snape who'd catch me. That's it. Think about Snape at a time like this. Idiot.

"Move," he whines.

I don't remember grabbing his hips, but I obviously have. Pushing him away from me, I pull out and I don't like that loss of contact. That's how it works, though, Nev. Idiot. Oh my fucking god he feels good. I twist my hips again. I like it when he cries like that.

"Harder, Nev, harder," he pleads.

I could get used to that. I think I really like the idea that Draco sodding Malfoy, Slytherin Poster-Child and notorious prude, is begging me to fuck him harder. Will wonders never cease? His hands are resting on mine, and I like that. It seems so intimate, you know?

"Mm, that's so nice, love," he moans in a whisper. "That's really good. Oh. Oh. H-hard-der. Uh-huh. Like that. Oh. Oh. Oh. YESYESYESYESYESYES!"

He's got to be hurting. There's no way someone can be fucked this hard and not be in excruciating pain. Obviously it doesn't bother him if it does hurt because all I can hear are little noises of encouragement. Moving my right hand from his hip, I wrap it around his dripping erection and start to pump slowly, countering the motion of my thrusts. I move my other hand and slid it under his shirt. His nipples are rock hard and standing out from his thin chest. I tweak one and he gasps. His right hand is resting on my thigh and his left is holding my hand on his chest.

"Neville," he moans. "Oh, god."

Suddenly, I feel his muscles clamp down around me and hot liquid running down my hand. Oh, no. I can't hold off any longer and pull him as close to me as I can... God, Draco... I think I'm screaming. I don't know. It's muffled, anyway, in his neck.

Draco has gone limp in my arms. He is breathing heavily and still holding onto my hand for dear life. I can feel his head lean back to rest on my shoulder, his hot breath hitting my face. I kiss his sweaty neck and he starts purring again.

"Thanks," he whispers. I can hear the smile. With a groan, he pulls away from me and twists around so we're facing each other. "You've no idea how long I've waited to do that."

"So you've been planning on dragging me into a closet for a quick screw?" I tease him as I kiss his cheeks.

"Mm. Not as such, I suppose, but all right." He lays his head on my shoulder and tucks me back into my trousers. His arms are around my waist and I can hear him sigh contentedly. "But if you ever tell anyone, I swear I'll-"

"Save Ron and Harry and all the rest from killing me?"

"Mm. Never mind, then."

His face tilts up and I can feel his lips on mine. He's being very gentle. Almost... careful. Not that a kiss could really hurt, but... Well, then again, this is Draco I'm talking about. Then again, this very same Draco just made me feel better than I've ever felt before.

"Nev?" he whispers.

"Hmm?"

"I think I really like you."

"I like you too, Draco."

"No, I mean it. I really do like you."

"And I suppose that's why you go out of your way to make me out to be an ass on so regular a schedule?" I say before I can stop myself. Shit. He just pulled away from me.

"Fuck you, Longbottom," he says from somewhere to my right.

"Draco, I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how did you mean it?"

Fuck. Nice work, Nev. So smooth. "I just... shit. Never mind."

I can feel his arms around my neck and his forehead on mine. "I'm an asshole, Neville. You know that. But I don't just fuck random boys I find wandering around the halls."

"I know."

"I really like you," he repeats.

"Why?" Why did I just ask that? I don't want to know. I really don't.

"Oh, a small multitude of reasons," he sings quietly. "Forbidden fruit, virgin boy, nice guy, only Gryffindor who stays out of my face. You get the idea."

Not really. Am I being thick or is this really as weird as I think it is?

"I'd like to see you again," he whispers, his arms tightening around me.

Fat chance, boy. "I'd like that, too." Wrong fucking answer, Nev. Really wrong.

"If I blow up your cauldron, don't get pissed, okay?"

Yeah, right. "Don't blow up my cauldron."

He giggles. I knew it would just go in one ear and out the other. "Just don't get pissed. Okay? Promise."

"No. But I'm sure I could forgive you." Nice, sonny. Cute. One encounter with the sod and you're falling all over him. This is really great. Brilliant. "But I wouldn't recommend testing me."

"You're cute when you're trying to sound all tough," he laughs.

"Sod you."

"You did."

"Cute."

"I know."

"We should get out of here before Filch decides to have someone clean something." In all honesty I think that if I don't get out of here right now I'm going to have to ravish him again. Not that that's unappealing. Far from it. But not very wise. Nice afterthought. Sheesh.

Too late. Shit. Snape is standing on the other side of the door. Blank face. Pale blank face. He's laughing. Oh, shit. He's laughing. Shitshitshitshitshit.

"Hiya, Sir," Draco says jovially. He still hasn't let me go.

"Malfoy?" he laughs, pointing. "And Longbottom?" He's clutching his stomach.

God has got a sick, sick, twisted sense of humour.

"Coming out of the closet?" Snape laughs.

More like in the closet, actually... Shut up, Neville. Just stop thinking about it. Just run already. And I probably would if I didn't have a lanky, blonde attachment.

"Ten points to Slytherin," he says as he sits on the floor. "Fifteen points to Gryffindor. For getting the Slytherin!"

Yep. It's definitely the end of the world as I know it. But I feel strangely fine...

*****

Okay, sorry about the whole Draco being a bit OOC. He asked to be written this way, I swear. Then again, considering how the rest of this fic has played out, Draco being OOC isn't too odd, is it? Sorry if you found it irritating. But, as always, consider the source.

Thanks to:

energy, well. What can I say? I'll work on your requests, but I'm sorry if my opposition to the whole Ron/Neville pairing is upsetting to you. I can't do it and I'm sorry. I just can't. As for the rest, though, I promise I'll work on it. But just for the record, Dean isn't a loser. We like Dean. We love Dean. Because what is Seamus without Dean? That's what I thought. Anyway, thanks a lot, my love. *kisses*; Kimagure, what do you think? You inspired the whole Nev/Draco thing. Only you have done them justice thus far, but I wanted to make 'em funny instead of angsting. Not that I don't like them angsting. Far from it. I just needed a break from that, that's all. I hope you like this, love, because it's all for you; Just Silver, what do you think of Neville's reaction to Draco? Overkill? Stupid? Why am I asking? I know the answers are -in chronological order- stupid, yes, and yes. Sorry. My imagination ran off with me; MiniMe, you make my day everytime you review. Especially this one! *grins* If I wasn't opposed to the institution of marriage, I would gladly accept. Just because I like you that much. *grins wider* Anyhoo, I'll get to the rest of those questions in due time, dear. Never fear. I rhymed! I'm a poet and didn- never mind. I'm signing off now before I make a further ass of myself. I love you all, thanks again, and many cheers!