Chapter 4: Always Indebted

...

Dinner was silent. Sarada and Kakashi sat with her at the table, sharing uncomfortable and confused glances. She might have been staring at her plate for the past twenty minutes, but she wasn't blind. Kakashi had tried to make small talk as he always did, but Sakura was too nervous to return his banter.

"Mom," Sarada finally said. "You're being really weird."

Sakura straightened her neck suddenly, flaky smile on her lips. "Ah, am I? I didn't mean to. Sorry."

Now, Sakura came face to face with the look Kakashi was giving her. A mix of several questions like he couldn't pick one, but mostly worry. Today, Sarada had helped with shopping and preparing dinner, so Kakashi hadn't had the luck of having a moment alone with her to ask what was going on.

"Actually…" Sakura fiddled with her spoon. "I have a little announcement."

Kakashi tensed across the table, fist tight around his glass. Sarada only watched her intently, anticipation clear in her eyes.

"I got a job at the hospital," Sakura said, true smile on her lips. "I'll only be a nurse, but that's just for now. Until I get used to things again."

Nurse was far too nice a word for the job Tsunade had given her. She would mostly clean the mess both patients and surgeons made. Though Sakura knew it was far below even her current level, it worried her little. As a child, Tsunade had put her through the same challenge. Sakura hadn't forgotten its lesson; humility.

"Oh. That's cool."

Sarada returned her attention to her plate. Sakura watched her eat, at a loss.

"When are you starting?" Kakashi asked between two bites, consciously filling the gap Sarada had left. "Soon?"

"In a week," Sakura answered. She forced herself to eat as well. "Someone quit so it was great timing."

Futilely, Sakura had been anxious over Sarada's reaction. To herself, Sakura had thought it might be selfish to begin working now, after so many years. Sarada might interpret it as wishing to spend less time with her. Or wishing to distance herself from her somehow. Though Sakura was relieved Sarada thought none of those things, she was nonetheless shaken by her daughter's reaction.

Sarada shoved the rest of her meal down her throat and swallowed in record time. "I gotta go! I'm training with Bolt tonight."

Before Sakura could say anything, Sarada was already running out the door.

"Don't worry, you were like that too."

Sakura shot Kakashi a venomous look. With a sigh, she stood to clear the table. Kakashi helped her as he sometimes did. Other times, he preferred to simply watch her. Occasionally, when she looked particularly exhausted, he told her to go sleep and took over for her. Today, Sakura made it a point to remain silent, much unlike their routine.

When the dishes were done, he helped her carry the laundry up to her bedroom. In between training sessions with Tsunade and worrying to the bone, Sakura had fallen behind on some house chores. Mainly, four baskets of laundry.

"You don't have to help me with this, you know," Sakura mumbled as she folded clothes.

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders as he hung one of her dresses in the closet. "I know."

Silence fell again, but Sakura didn't mind. Anything they might have had to say, Sakura didn't want to deal with.

"Hm, what's this?"

When Sakura turned to ask what he was talking about, she found Kakashi holding up the copy of Icha Icha he'd left her. Gasping, Sakura immediately reached for it, but Kakashi had the advantage of height.

"Did you enjoy it?" Kakashi asked, far more raucous than seductive. "Hm?"

"Shut your ugly mouth and give me that!"

Kakashi laughed, doing his best to keep the book out of her reach. "I was just curious."

Growling, Sakura grabbed Kakashi's collar and threw him on the bed. Kakashi hadn't expected such a retaliation, so he was easy to pin whilst she retrieved the book. Kakashi reached for it again, but Sakura sat down on his chest heavily and held it high, now having the advantage of height.

Admitting defeat, he lowered his arm. "Aren't you going to tell me?"

"If I read it?" Sakura asked, indignant. "Of course not!"

"No, this," Kakashi said, pressing a palm on her thigh and running it up under the hem of her skirt, revealing dark bruises. "I know you read the book."

"Oh," Sakura mumbled, cheeks reddening. "Tsunade's been kicking my ass." When Kakashi only looked at her blankly, Sakura continued, "I began training again, too."

Kakashi spread his arms at his sides, genuine smile showing from under his mask.

"Why're you smiling like that?" Sakura said, giving his chest a small shove.

"It's good to hear, is all," he said, pausing. "Also, I have a pretty woman sitting on me. Why should I not smile?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. Thinking of it all, though, an uneasy feeling rolled her stomach. Married, and yet, here she was, wrestling a book from another man, sitting on him, all over a smutty book. In her bedroom. Though they were not guilty of anything, Sakura knew she had let Kakashi in far too close.

Worst of all, she knew she enjoyed it. Enjoyed it when he entered her home without knocking, played with her daughter, put away her laundry - when he put his hands on her and asked her provocative questions.

Sakura stared at the book in her hands, flipping the pages until she found the passage he had read to her.

"I hate you," Sakura whispered, tears forming in her eyes.

"Why?"

Sakura glared down at Kakashi, hating how unaffected he looked. "Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Because you've done this to me."

Kakashi shifted under her until he could sit up. He leaned in close, looking into her eyes. "What have I done to you?"

Sakura wanted to hit him, to scream at him. To blame him. Kakashi only looked into her eyes, patient. Breathing shakily, Sakura grabbed his collar, fists tightening in it. All he had truly done was remind her that he was a human being also. That he, just like her, could feel.

"You remind me what an awful person I really am," she finally said.

Kakashi laughed, soft as it was. Sakura glared up at him. "So like you." Sakura tried to shove him away, but Kakashi grabbed her arms and held strong until she quieted down. "Feeling like this just for wanting what we all want."

Breathing through her nose, Sakura watched Kakashi. He was close, but not too close. Just enough to tempt her - or perhaps it was the opposite. She had been the one dangling the carrot in front of him.

"That's not the only reason," Sakura whispered.

"What then?" Kakashi said, freeing her arms now that she posed no more threat. "For what you want me to do to you right now?"

Red in the cheeks, Sakura tried to get away from Kakashi once more, but he held her shoulders and Sakura's struggled died easily. Defeated, she said, "Yes."

Kakashi remained still, only watching her intently.

Sakura looked down between them, staring at the way her thighs were pressed into his hips and the way her skirt had ridden up. "It's awful."

"Why?"

"Because I'm married?" Sakura snorted, looking up at him as if he were joking.

Kakashi didn't answer. Sakura looked away once more, hating the way his eyes demanded more. She looked at the book besides them on the bed, remembered why she had it in the first place.

"Goddamnit," Sakura cursed, leaning her forehead against Kakashi's shoulder. "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

"It doesn't have to be."

Heart hammering in her chest, Sakura toyed with the zipper of Kakashi's vest, until she finally pulled it down, inch by inch. Kakashi ran his palms under her thighs, stopping when they met with the edge of her underwear.

Sakura wanted to curse again. Ask whoever could hear her, why him? Why not someone, anyone, who she didn't rely on? But then, she had answered her own question, she figured. It was simple. Because he had given her a taste of something she'd done everything she could to deny the existence of.

Kakashi didn't move, stiff where he sat. Sakura's chest heaved, faster and faster until she thought she might throw up. Kakashi's hands left her thighs to hold her tight.

"Don't cry," he whispered in her ear.

"I want to," Sakura said, wrapping her arms as tight as she could around him. "I hate everything."

"It will get easier," Kakashi tried to comfort. "He'll have to come home sooner or later. You can finalize everything then."

"When?" Sakura asked, pleading eyes on his. "When do you think he'll come home?"

Even when he did come home and the divorce was done, what would it fix? Sarada would hate her for it, and then hate her more should she try to love someone else. And Sakura wanted it so, so much. To remember what it felt like to be so taken with someone, for someone to be so taken with her. The rush of the first kiss, the way she always craved more after that. She wanted to be asked in marriage again, to know someone would give anything to be with her.

"Stop waiting for him, Sakura."

"That sure would suit you, wouldn't it?" Sakura snapped, drying her tears. "It's easy for you to say!"

Kakashi frowned, breaking his hold on her. "What exactly do you think I'm trying to do?"

Sakura didn't answer, only glared at him.

"You think I'm only trying to find the right words so I can fuck you right here and now?" he said, his voice carrying. Sakura flinched. "Is that really what you think of me?"

Sakura sniffed, lips tight. "No," she said. "But you're not being fair."

"How?"

"Can I really say no to you?" Sakura said, voice breaking. "Can I?"

Kakashi's face fell, tension bleeding from his body. "Sakura," he whispered. "What are you saying?"

"If I say no to you," she began, tears flowing again. "Then I'm being selfish. Because, you said it, you won't go. And I don't want you to go. I love you. Sarada loves you. The other day - when she asked if you were her father - I… She does love you that much. I can't take you out of her life. I can't. And refusing you and allowing you to stay, asking everything of you without giving anything back, that's awful."

Kakashi laid his hands on the mattress, as if touching her might suddenly burn him. "Sakura," he said sternly. "I never did any of that just seeking sex. I didn't."

"I know you didn't," Sakura muttered, wiping tears from her face.

"I said I was fine with how things were," Kakashi added, cocking his head to the side to watch her face when she turned away. "I meant it."

"Fine, maybe," Sakura said, facing him again. "But happy?"

"Don't you think happiness is a lot to ask for someone like me?" Kakashi said, quiet. "I'll take what I can. Because who knows when I'll have this luxury again."

Sakura fell silent. More than anyone, maybe, Sakura knew Kakashi's history. How he had suffered, how anything he had ever loved was torn from him before he could truly appreciate it.

"If you did any of this for my benefit," Kakashi continued, stern once more, "stop. Now."

"That's not what I was saying," Sakura said, hands resting on his chest. "It just doesn't sit well with me. That's all."

"Look at me," Kakashi said, waiting her eyes were set on his before he continued. "Do what you want. I have all I need already."

Sakura nodded, shoulders heavy.

"What is it?"

Sakura looked away, cheeks reddening. She didn't want to say it.

"Sakura."

"Do you really want to know?" Sakura said, frowning. "It's awful."

A smile tugged on the corner of Kakashi's lips. "Awful from you tends to mean perfectly normal."

"You were right earlier," she mumbled, tipping her chin down so she didn't have to look at him. "When you talked about… About me wanting… Goddamnit, do you have to make me say it?"

Kakashi laughed, dropping back to his defenseless lying position.

Sakura slapped his chest and he recoiled, grabbing her hand. "What?"

"Just like I said," he chuckled. "Perfectly normal."

"What's perfectly normal about wanting to be fucked by you?" Sakura spat, slapping his chest again with her free hand, but he only caught it as well. "Let go!"

"Do I really need to explain how sex works to you, hm, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura growled and tried to pull her hands away, but Kakashi held them tight.

"What do you think happens when two people become close - "

"I don't want to do Naruto," Sakura countered. "Or Sai, or Shishou."

"You don't spend as much time with them as you do with me. It's not like it is between us."

Sakura huffed, ceasing her efforts to free herself.

"And tell me, sweet Sakura-chan," Kakashi added, a dirty smirk to his lips. "When was the last time?"

"That's none of your business!" Sakura said quietly, indignant.

"You've already answered that the other day for me," Kakashi said. "It's been two years."

"So?"

"So?" Kakashi chuckled. "Do I have to spell it out?"

"Fine, you're right," Sakura said flippantly. "It is driving me crazy, okay? As much as I hate it, it's true. God fucking damn it."

Kakashi retrieved Icha Icha from his side and opened it, holding the book above his head. "Shall I read you some more?"

When Sakura hesitated to answer, Kakashi moved the book to look at her.

"No," she said quickly, wishing her body wouldn't betray her so constantly.

"Then let's get back to work," Kakashi said, sitting up and helping her off of him.

Of all her long, long life, Sakura couldn't recall being so happy about a piece of paper. She held it up high to observe it in all its glory. At her side, Shizune eyed her as if thinking she might belong with the psych ward patients. Sakura couldn't care less, though. Shizune would never understand this. Unlike her, Shizune had never had to stop working when Iris was born.

"You sure look happy," Shizune chuckled, nudging her shoulder. "That's the first of many, you know."

"So? This one is special." Sakura said, bouncing from one foot to the other. It was hardly much, two thousand and five hundred dollars for a month and a half of work - oh, how she missed her old paychecks - but it was more money than Sakura had seen in a long while. "What should I do with it?"

"I don't know," Shizune shrugged. "Buy something nice?"

Sakura stood there for a moment, stumped. It was the simplest answer, but it was how simply Shizune had said it. It reminded her of her chuunin promotion, of shopping with her mother for the perfect dress to celebrate that evening. Sakura remembered what dress she had last bought very well - the one she had worn to the bar.

As her thoughts drifted, Sakura lost her smile. She shouldn't think about spending it so hastily. She would put aside enough to pay her half of the bills, Sakura promised herself.

"I'll think about it," Sakura said.

"How about we have a girls' night out?" Shizune proposed, mischievous smile spreading on her thin lips. "It's been forever!"

"That's a good idea," Sakura said, nodding. "It really has been a while."

All of Sakura's female friends often had those nights, but Sakura was always hesitant to join. Having dinner at a restaurant and ordering fancy cocktails or wines was often part of the plan, which Sakura couldn't afford so often. Though most of them hardly worked - save for Tenten - they all remained on active duty. The stipend wasn't much to live on unless you did missions, but it was something. Ino still helped with the family business. Hinata could rely on her clan for support. Only Temari remained a full-fledged ninja.

"How about this Saturday?" Shizune proposed, cocking her head to the side as she always did when scheming. "I'll see who I can get to come."

"Sounds great."

"Hey, Sakura," Shizune called. "Chin up. Things get easier from here on out."

"Yeah, sorry," Sakura laughed, wrapping one arm around Shizune's waist. "Now we can have all the fun we want."

"Yes!" Shizune squealed, choking Sakura in her embrace. "I've missed the days!"

"Hey, hey!" Sakura protested, struggling to free herself from Shizune's hold on her neck. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"Don't be such a sourpouss," Shizune purred, dragging her outside. "You might as well have been a hermit for the last… I can't even tell since when."

"I'm not a sourpouss," Sakura said, relieved when Shizune finally let her go.

"Fine, worrywart, then."

Sakura sighed.

"Oh, you're already here!"

Sakura leaned forward to look who Shizune had seen and quickly spotted Iris and Eiji. Sakura waved to them. "Hey, long time no see."

"Oh, hi, Sakura-san!" Eiji greeted, always the same sweet smile on his lips. "It sure has been a long time."

"Mom said you're working at the hospital again," Iris said, ponytail saying from one side to the other as she came closer. "Is it true?"

"Sure is." Sakura was always surprised to see Iris. It seemed every time they met, she changed completely. More than ever, she was taking on her mother's looks, with her thin, long lips that she would often worry and the brown, straight hair. Even her eyes had the same shape as Shizune, though they took on the grassfield color of her father's. "Look at you, even more grown up than before."

"Don't remind me," Shizune lamented. "Seems like just yesterday she was born."

"Tell me about it," Sakura sighed.

"Now, now," Eiji tried to comfort. "She's only just fifteen."

"Won't you be promoted soon?" Sakura asked, flipping through her mental calendar. "Aren't the exams next month?"

Iris nodded firmly. "They are. I'll be a chuunin."

"Aren't you a confident one," Shizune said, smirk on her face.

"With reason, I'm sure," Sakura laughed. "She can't fail when she's learned from the best."

Eiji nodded, laying his palms on his daughter's shoulders. "I have confidence she'll be promoted."

"Well, I don't mean to cut this short," Sakura said, apologetic, "but I have to get started on dinner."

"That's fine, that's fine," Shizune said quickly. "Asami's waiting on us, anyway. See you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Sakura said, waving as she turned away.

On her way home, Sakura walked slowly. The sun was still out, the breeze felt nice on the skin left exposed by her sundress, and her heels made that wonderful click she would never tire of. Perhaps too euphoric over her first paycheck, Sakura decided to make a detour. It'd been a while since she'd window shopped on the main street. It wasn't even far.

Sakura passed many a beautifully laid out store window, but nothing really caught her attention. There had been a dress here and there that had struck her fancy, but nothing she felt she just had to have. The only display to really draw her eye was the one she stood before, where a qipao dress was laid out. Though it resembled the one Kakashi had offered Sarada, it wasn't armored or otherwise meant for ninja use.

"I should get something for him," Sakura mumbled to herself, staring at the dress.

Whatever could she buy, though? Kakashi was a simple man. A very, very simple man. He hardly wanted for anything. Not anything he couldn't easily get himself.

In the back of her mind, Sakura heard him saying, "these are good." She had made miso cookies. She'd found the recipe somewhere, thought it interesting, then immediately hated the final result. Kakashi, though, for once, had eaten most of them before even Sarada could get to them.

With a newfound purpose, Sakura headed home.

"You baked cookies," Kakashi said, eyeing the package she held gingerly. He looked back up at her, one eyebrow shooting up. "Should I be worried?"

Sakura huffed and walked right past him into his apartment.

"You hate to bake," Kakashi added as he closed the door. "And you never come here unless something's up."

"Well, maybe I wanted to do something different for once," Sakura said, placing the box of cookies on his desk. "And stop guessing everything! I hate your nose."

"It's late," Kakashi said, standing by the desk with her. Sakura pushed the package towards him. He picked at the ribbon she'd tied around it, untying it so slowly Sakura wanted to smack him. "You came all the way here to give me cookies?"

Sakura's shoulders dropped. It had seemed like a good idea. Until now. "I guess."

"You guess?" Kakashi chuckled. "That's cute."

"Oh, fuck you," Sakura growled, spinning on her heels to go sit on his bed. "And it isn't late. It's barely nine."

"It is early," Kakashi said as he finally opened the box and peeked inside. "For someone who doesn't have kids."

"I don't have a child anymore," Sakura grumbled, crossing her legs. "I have a little ninja."

"And she doesn't need mommy to tuck her into bed anymore, hm?"

Sakura sighed, wistful. Kakashi sat by her, the box of cookies in his lap and one hanging from his mouth as he chewed. Sakura smiled to herself. Kakashi, though, only looked at her expectantly.

"What?"

"So did you come just to give me this or not?"

"Oh." Sakura realized she'd simply waltzed in and hardly said much, which made for a very unusual visit. "I…" Sakura stared at the small star designs on her dress. "I guess I did."

Sakura's plan had only boiled down to baking and giving cookies.

Kakashi stood up and Sakura watched, blinking her wide eyes. He turned on his tv - a nearly broken down old thing he had bought after Sakura had convinced him he needed something else than Icha Icha for distraction - and promptly returned to the bed, this time sitting back against the wall. When he didn't say anything and only started on a second cookie, Sakura scooted back until she sat against the wall too.

She didn't know the program that was playing, and she couldn't tell if Kakashi did. Whether or not he did, he watched it all the same.

"You're putting crumbs everywhere," Sakura chastised, sweeping her hand over his chest, a frown on her face. "Be careful."

Kakashi caught her hand, the skin of his arm brushing against hers as he did. At night, Kakashi never wore the sweatshirt unless it was winter. Only the undershirt. "My bed, my rules," he said. "Crumbs are fine."

Her hand returned to her, Sakura returned her attention to the tv. She wondered if she ought to leave, but she figured Kakashi didn't mind her being there. She didn't want to leave, either. Seeing her heels still tied to her feet, Sakura bent forward to remove them.

"Need a drink?"

Sakura shook her head after a moment's hesitation. "I'm fine."

From the corner of her eye, Sakura watched him. He ate the cookies one after another, though he wasn't hurried in doing so. He didn't say anything - not even thank you, now that she thought about it - but he didn't need to for Sakura to know he enjoyed them. It was a small gift compared to all that Kakashi brought to her life, especially financially, but she was satisfied for the moment.

The longer they watched whatever show it was they were watching, the more convinced Sakura became that Kakashi had never watched it before in his life. It seemed to be some convoluted drama about a group of well-off middle-aged women. Absent-mindedly, Sakura fidgeted with the hem of her dress, dragging it up her thigh an inch or two and then dragging it back down. Eventually, Kakashi caught her hand, stilling it. Sakura slipped her fingers between his, thumb rubbing circles on his knuckles.

Before long, the show was over. Sakura didn't mind. It had been mind-numbingly boring. Kakashi glanced at the clock, but when Sakura didn't move, simply reached for his pillow and placed it sideways behind his back. When she realized he had placed it in order to leave half of it unused, Sakura scooted closer. Another show began, this one something Sakura was more eager to watch. She'd always liked the supernatural stories.

Soon enough, another hour had passed. Kakashi looked at the clock once more. "It's the middle of the night," he said, teasing, looking down at her.

Sakura only huffed and nudged his shoulder with her own.

"You're going to fall asleep."

"I'm not," Sakura scoffed.

But sure enough, half-way through the movie that had come on, Sakura found herself dozing off on Kakashi's shoulder. Though she tried to pretend it didn't happen, Kakashi had noticed. He stood up to shut off the tv. Sakura stared down at her lap. It'd been a long time since she'd last had a quiet night in with someone. Though it wasn't what she had expected, she didn't want it to end quite so soon now.

Kakashi switched off the light. Sakura looked up, trying to find him in the dark. "What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep," he answered, sounding more tired than Sakura had expected. When Sakura mumbled a few unintelligible sounds, Kakashi added, "You can stay."

He sat on the edge of the bed and it creaked as he removed his shirt. Clear as day, Sakura remembered the last time Kakashi had been shirtless with her. They'd gone swimming together with Sarada and she forced him to wear sunscreen.

When he laid down, Sakura made space for him and replaced the pillow where it was supposed to be. Several times already, Sakura had slept here. Usually, though, a large amount of alcohol and tears were involved. The first time had been when Sasuke didn't answer his phone for three months and Sakura thought him dead. The order of the rest were blurry, but Sakura distinctly remembered one being the night of Gai's funeral. That time, Kakashi had fallen asleep in her lap and waken up bleary-eyed, asking if there was any sake left.

Sakura slipped under the blanket. Kakashi wasn't far from her. Not that he could be, with how small his bed was. For a long time, Sakura remained still. She closed her eyes to try and find sleep, but it eluded her. By then, Kakashi's breathing had long evened out and Sakura thought him asleep.

Slowly, she snaked her hand between them until her fingertips touched his back. He turned his head to look at her. When she said nothing, Kakashi rolled on his other side to face her. Cheeks warm, Sakura inched closer to him, until she could put her ear to his chest. His heart beat slow and steady under her ear, and Sakura listened to it. She threw a leg over his and, still silent, glanced up at Kakashi.

Staring down into her eyes, Kakashi placed an arm under her head and his other hand on her knee. Sakura's heart hammered into her ears together with Kakashi's. He was warm. Too warm under the blanket, but she didn't dare move it. Instead, she put her hand over Kakashi's and pressed her body to his. She could feel his erection against her stomach, but she didn't mind. In the back of her mind, she knew she'd hoped he would be hard. Kakashi's hand moved up until it followed the curve of her ass and he pulled her higher up against him, rolling his hips into hers.

This time, it wasn't against her stomach that he pressed his erection and Sakura gasped. She could hear him breathing heavier, but Kakashi didn't say anything. Looking straight into her eyes, searching, he slid his hand to her hip, then to her stomach, leaving her dress bunched around her stomach. Then it went down, slipping into her panties. Sakura inhaled sharply, closing her eyes. When his thumb rolled slow, lazy circles around her clit, she bit back a moan.

Breathing erratic, Sakura grabbed a fistful of the ample material of his pants, needing something to hold onto. Kakashi didn't need any more encouragement to keep going. As he moved faster and rougher, Sakura bit her lip to suppress any sound she made. She could feel her head spinning, her breath coming short, the build up in the pit of stomach that meant she was close already.

Sakura rolled on her back, and, though he hesitated for a second, Kakashi clearly understood what she wanted. He stood on his knees between her legs, sitting Sakura up to remove her dress and bra. He laid her down again, following her to plant kisses on her chest as she shoved his pants down. Both hands on her hips, he guided her where he wanted her. When he finally thrust into her, Sakura's head rolled back with a long moan.

Kakashi breathed into her neck, hips digging into hers. Sakura ground her hips into his, needing to feel him move right away. Kakashi complied easily, sliding out of her and then back in agonizingly slow. Each time he repeated the movement, he sped up, until he finally worked up a nice rhythm. Sakura held onto him for dear life as the pleasure burned through every nerve of her body. Seconds later, Sakura felt the telltale tightening of her abdomen and came, mouth open but unable to make a sound.

Kakashi grunted into her shoulder, hips jerking. He felt it, she knew. Every time she contracted around him, he tightened his hold onto her, rhythm long forgotten. Inside of her, she felt him twitching, and she knew he came too.

When the last wave subsided, Sakura went limp, arms slipping from Kakashi to bed with a soft sound.