Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style

Chapter 4

Lazard

Lazard. He had to speak to Lazard. "Do I have to speak to Lazard?" Sephiroth asked himself as he stood outside the director's office. "Yes." He replied, sighing heavily. "How the hell do I even begin to start to explain this to him… and if Gaia even kind of loves me, please do not let him be doing something… or someone."

He knocked, because he was sick of barging in on people and having it turn out bad. The Director simply replied with, "Come in."

Sephiroth was skeptical but once he opened the door he found that nothing was wrong. Lazard was sitting at his desk, just… messing around on his computer. "Wait, what are you looking at?"

Lazard looked up at him. "Why?" He swiveled the screen around. It showed… puppies. And was that a picture of Zack? But besides that, it was innocent. "I want a dog. I'm… lonely."

"Okay then." Sephiroth replied. "I need, erm, a vacation…"

"Well, what should I put on the official form?" He asked, reaching for a pen.

"Um…" Sephiroth tentatively braided his hair, like a school girl. "Um."

"Well?"

"Um." Was Sephiroth's continual answer. "…maternity…" and then he broke out into such a horrible coughing fit that Lazard wasn't sure he would stop.

"…really?" Lazard raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Maybe." Sephiroth muttered. "…I guess…"

Lazard sat back in his chair. "Of all of the horrible excuses I have ever heard, Sephiroth, I cannot believe it is from you. Zack, maybe but you?"

"I…I'm not kidding, much as I wish I was."

Lazard chuckled. "That's… interesting."

"And if you tell anyone-"

"Fine, fine. So, who is the mother?"

Sephiroth sneezed, so fake-ly that Lazard was positive that it was to cover up the "I am." That he had just stated. "Erm, I'll be going now!"

"Wait." Lazard said firmly. "You are a man… unless I am mistaken, and then you are extremely flat-chested."

"Excuse me!" Sephiroth hissed, whirling around. "I am not flat-chested!" He paused, "Or a woman! I am a man who just HAPPENS to be able to become pregnant, ALRIGHT?!"

"Oh!" Lazard clapped suddenly, seemingly understanding. "You're a transvestite!"

"I AM NOT THAT HORRID THING!" Sephiroth shouted, turning red. "I am a MAN."

"So… who's the father?" Lazard wondered, amused by the stupidity.

"Er, it's, uh, um, it's um, er, well you know… the puppy…"

"Oh… that's really wrong, Sephiroth-"

"NOT LITERALLY!"

"OH!" Lazard smiled. "You mean Kunsel?"

"Who the fuck is Kunsel?"

"Never mind. So who is it?"

"Erm, well, Zack…"

"One night stand?"

"Wow, someone actually believes me for once."

"Of course," Lazard replied matter-of-factly. "Zack never does anyone twice. He gets bored so easily. But even with you, only once. Well, guess he's stuck with you, now."

Sephiroth face palmed. I'm almost a little bit offended. Then again, Zack does have the attention span of a puppy… on crack. "So am I… good here?"

"Sure, the papers are done."

"WHAT?!" He cleared his throat. "Er, right, I'll be leaving now…"

"Oh, by the way Rufus wants to speak to you."

"About what, do you know?"

"Nope. Not a clue. But he says it's 'urgent'."

Sephiroth sighed. "I need a nap."

"Oh, your poor baby."

"Shut up. Or I kill you."

"Alright, bye now!"

"Everything's good." Sephiroth said, watching as Tseng mysteriously disappeared into Lazard's office once he had left. It wouldn't be odd, except his hair was down and his clothes a little bit too ruffled up. "Fuckin' A even he was doing someone."

"What?" Zack asked. "And shame on you for speaking like that in front of the BABY."

Sephiroth stared at him for a few moments. "I don't think it can hear me." And just as he finished that sentence, the child savagely kicked him.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Zack said, ignoring his 'wife's' pain. "We should find out what gender it is!"

"Rufus wants to see me, as well…" Sephiroth moaned. "Too much to doo…"

"I know, I'll go see Rufy!" Zack said. "You go find out what gender it is!"

"Why me? Can't you go-"

"I'm not the pregnant one!"

"But if I punch you enough times, it'll sure look like you are."

Zack winced. "Okay, okay, we'll have it your way. So, which first?"

"Rufus, definitely Rufus." He said. Sephiroth couldn't have cared less about the stupid monster's gender. "Alright, let's go." He sighed and they made their way to Rufus's office.


EXTRA: "Everything's good." Sephiroth announced as he left the office. Tseng slipped back in. "Hey, I'm back." He announced, a grin upon his lips. "Were you waiting long?"

"Not really, Sephiroth just tends to overreact." Lazard replied. "So, let's continue, shall we?"

Tseng's smile was amazingly brilliant. "Alright."


Whatever that was, don't ask me. And it was NOT My idea, it was StainsofBloodOnYourHands's idea SO THAR.

Anyway, This was a lot longer than I thought and by the time I got to the "Rufy's office" part I realized it was four pages O___o Wow, Lazard you talk a lot for someone who shows up like twice in the whole game.

Alright, next time? ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? Rufus's eats pie.

Oh, and I guess I lied about last chapter since I said what happens next chapter happens in the next two chapters since this chapter wasn't what happened in what I said would happen in the last chapter.

LOLOLOL TRY TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.

Can you tell it's 1:40?