I couldn't bring myself to face Kaoru the next day, or the next week. He had cried throughout the night, keeping me awake and making the guilt unbearable.
As days passed, I felt Kaoru slipping away; I would stay around Haruhi, and he would run off with his Suki.
"Hikaru, I don't know what's been going on, but maybe you should talk to Kaoru," Haruhi said at the beginning of one dreary, gray morning. "Look: Suki's not here today. Kaoru will go home after the club, so you should just go with him and talk things out."
"Haruhi, I don't think that's a good idea," I sighed, rubbing my neck. "I don't think that he'd want to talk to me; I've been really...bad to him recently."
"He'll forgive you," the girl urged. "He's your brother. He loves you, Hikaru."
"Love…" I sighed again, flopping down to my desk. "If he really does, then it's just that much worse."
The day dragged on.
Kaoru was definitely avoiding me, remaining in the classroom as little as possible.
His eyes were constantly down.
Haruhi snapped at me when I brought it up during lunch.
"He's still upset with me."
"Hikaru, maybe he's just giving you space. You're not always the victim, y'know."
"Haruhi, that's not what this is about!" I huffed, a glare not quite coming to my eyes. "Keep this up and I won't drive you home. And I hear it's gonna' rain."
"You're such a child! Could you be any pettier?"
Instead of shouting at her, I controlled my temper and apologized, hands tensing around my kneecaps under the table.
Back in class, I resolved to stare at Kaoru until he looked at me. I could tell he felt the intensity of my gaze, but he never bothered to look up from his notes. When the bell rang, he fled without a backward glance.
I turned my gaze to Haruhi, and she sighed, packing her bag.
In the Host Club, there was absolutely not opportunity to approach Kaoru to tell him to return home, but I brushed it off, under the assumption that he would go straight home without Suki to distract him.
I left later than he did, having long since acquired a separate car with which to drop Haruhi off at her house every day, which I did.
I stood stupidly in Kaoru's and my empty room, wondering what could possibly have kept him for so long.
I definitely arrived much later than required for Kaoru's driver to have dropped my brother off, but he wasn't there.
I searched through our given rooms, our favorite hiding places, and even through our parents' wing—nearly empty so late in the day.
I questioned the staff, only to come up empty-handed.
No one knew where Kaoru was.
I started calling around, first calling Kaoru's mobile (and swearing colorfully when I found it on the other side of our room), then Hunny, and then Kyouya.
They had no idea.
Finally, I resigned myself to calling Tamaki.
'Bonjour? Hello? This is Tamaki.'
"Milord! Is Kaoru there? He's not home yet, and I don't' know where he is."
'He went home with Mom today. Didn't he tell you?'
"Kyouya-senpai? But…" I trailed off, thinking it over. "All right. Thanks."
I hung up and frowned.
Someone was lying to me. I had no reason to distrust Tamaki or Kyouya, but one of them had Kaoru there, admittedly, it was probably Kyouya.
I would just have to wait for Kaoru to get home before doing something stupid.
Of course…
I grew impatient quickly, pacing around the entire wing until my calf cramped up and I had to sit.
I stood again only after hearing that Kaoru had called a car from the Ootori estate.
Even though I knew that Kyouya had been lying, I felt betrayed.
And why would Kaoru take up with the dark lord without telling me about it?
When Kaoru did come to the door, I was at the edge of striking something, fuming with suppressed rage.
I made the decision then—one I would regret always.
I decided to punish Kaoru for this day, and so much of his previous coldness.
"Kaoru, where did you go? No one knew. You had to be with someone; who was it?" I tested him; if he came clean, I could still forget my decision. If not…
"No one, Hikaru. I just wanted to go for a walk," he replied briskly.
A recited answer; a planned lie.
"When were you crying? Your eyes look a little puffy," I continued, eyes narrowing.
"It's just a little cold. The fresh air irritated them. That's all."
Lies.
He was failing my test.
"Why didn't you tell anyone you were going for a walk? Why wasn't anyone there in case you got into trouble?"
"Because I can take care of myself!" he shouted, making me flinch. I had never had this kind of defiance from Kaoru; why was he so offended? Wasn't he just lying anyway?
"Kaoru…?" I murmured, trying to think of something to say as he looked on in terrified resilience.
"Yes?" he spat tersely.
"Are you…" I couldn't' think of anything. "Did something happen to you?" It was his last chance. All he had to do was cut the crap and admit to running to Kyouya…
For breaking our unspoken vow of secrecy.
"I'm fine."
The time had come.
He would not soon forget what I would do to him.
"Really? Kaoru, you can talk to me, you know. We've always been together." Was I laying on too thick?
"I don't feel like talking to you, Hikaru." I ground my teeth. "I'm fine; there's nothing to talk about."
Liar.
I smiled through my anger.
"…Then, what would you like to do?" I would have to use that method. If this was the way to get my obedient Kaoru back…
"Actually, I'm feeling kind of tired. Can I go to bed?"
He fell right into my trap, undressing and showing me his bare skin.
"Kaoru, what's going on? I'm confused." I was behind him and I kept my voice normal. He couldn't see the plan forming on my face. I grabbed his shoulder, feeling the scratches I'd left there before. I silently apologized for the future abuse I would deal to that skin. "Are you playing some kind of game?"
"I don't play games," he sniffed, batting the hand away.
I breathed in deeply to control myself and pulled Kaoru around by the arms to face me.
"Kaoru, are you being serious or not? Please, tell me what you want to do tonight."
"Sleep, obviously…" I felt the last of his resolve falling away.
"What do you want to do before that?" I allowed a hint of seduction into my words, delighted by his hesitation.
"…I—" was all I could get out of him before overwhelmed him.
Still holding his arms, I kissed Kaoru, teasing him and beginning the discipline that would break him down into my obedient brother again.
I had to release him to push his pants to the floor, and he used the pause to appeal to the side of me that truly cared for him.
"Hikaru, please," he begged pathetically. I undressed before his eyes, noticing the sheen they had gained from lust and despair.
"I'm very upset, Kaoru. I can't handle being told what to do."
I felt my eyes as they tightened to say, "I will break you."
"I…know." He looked down. "I'm sorry, Hikaru."
"That's better."
His apology was too late for me to accept.
I tackled him to the floor, hands and teeth behaving much as they had the last time I had been that way with my brother. He got wind of my motives and scrabbled to get free.
"Don't…struggle…" I warned him through a mouthful of skin.
"Hi…karu…"
I truly dominated him that night. I held him to the floor, forcing my judgment on his weakened, fragile body. By the time he thought it was over, he was biting back gasps and his sobs came as hitched wheezes between breaths.
I led him to the bed, and he immediately relaxed. He almost crawled in, but I tightened my hold on his wrist and sat on the edge of the bed. He froze, horror and anguish creeping across his face.
"Kneel," I told him. He did. "Do it."
He looked at my eyes.
He was unfrozen, and shivering and sniffling.
I almost called it off.
It would have been so easy for me to take back that order, but…
"Come on!"
He did.
Afterwards, when I was sufficiently grounded, I coaxed Kaoru from where he lay miserably on the ground to the bathroom. I cleaned and dried him without a word from either of us. I tucked him into bed with a kiss on his forehead, but he didn't change.
I took my place beside him with regret for how I had behaved that night and those before.
I wanted more than anything just to roll over and watch my twin breathe…
…to know that I hadn't killed my precious Kaoru…
Instead, I forced myself to stare at the wall until I heard the sweetest, most heartbreaking sound; I fell asleep listening to Kaoru's quiet sobbing.
Kaoru didn't go to the Host Club the next day. Instead, I could only watch him avoid me from a distance.
"Haruhi, come on," I called as I watched Kaoru flee. "We're going to get some help."
I hated it, but possibly the only way to get Kaoru back would be through that girl.
"Suki!" I exclaimed, pulling her aside instead of going to the third music room; Haruhi darted inside to explain why I would be missing. "Come on; I need your help."
I spent the entire drive to the manor explaining to her [in a very edited and abridged story] the recent occurrences between Kaoru and me.
"So that's it," she said sadly. "I knew he hadn't been honest with me."
I ground my teeth.
'Arrogant bitch…'
We arrived at the estate before Kaoru. I guessed that he hadn't even stopped running to call a car.
'Does he hate me that much?' I wondered nervously.
"You wait for him upstairs. I'm gonna' find one of our servants…most of them are gone."
"What happened?" There she went, butting in.
"Nothing; they're with my parents in Europe," I explained. "Now, go so you can find him."
I spoke with the first maid I could find.
"Yes, Hitachiin-sama?"
"My brother will be home soon. See to anything he needs. Oh, and he's very unhappy, so don't take anything he says to heart."
She bowed herself out, and I trudged wearily into a sitting room near the kitchen. I could wait there for Kaoru to either come find me or Suki to wander in, lost and confused—it could happen; she wasn't too bright.
But it was shouting from the stairs that brought me out to see what was happening.
"Kaoru…what happened to us?" Suki sniveled, standing at the top of the stairs.
"I don't know, Suki. Please, just get out before I call your family," Kaoru returned from below her.
"Why are you doing this, Kaoru?"
I had never seen such a cold, haughty face on my brother.
I hated it.
"Kaoru?" I heard myself call. He looked down, not even trying to find me, before storming off. He brushed past Suki as if she weren't even there.
"Kaoru, wait!"
I chased after him, but he was running again. Suki sank to the marble steps, holding her head as I ignored her, still chasing after my Kaoru.
He dared into a vaguely familiar corridor, into the unclaimed territory of the house; a purely neutral zone.
"Kaoru!" I called, hearing a door shut. I darted to some doors, trying knobs. Some were locked, others definitely empty. "Kaoru, please come out! I want to talk to you!"
I continued searching, trying frantically to reach my twin. He didn't call out or leave the sanctuary of his hiding place, but I could feel his presence. I wanted to smack myself every time I found an empty room or locked door.
'How could I have been so stupid?' I thought with each step.
I couldn't think of an answer by the time I gave up.
