Chapter 4: Thrown down

As he cut the shower off, he remembered to turn the nozzles to turn the water completely off.

"Can't waste water on this planet, now can we?" He said out loud. He then stepped out of the shower onto the small bath rug and opened the linen closet. He pulled out a towel sitting folded on the top of the pile and dried himself off. He had taken showers before but taking a shower now was all the more exhilarating. He picked up the boxers he had worn earlier and cringed then looked down.

"Well, looks like I don't have much of a choice here." He said sliding the boxers back on. He opened one of the cabinets and found a new stick of deodorant, still sealed and never used.

"Well, thank goodness for that." He said picking it up and pulling the clear plastic cover off of the top and opening it. He sniffed it then shrugged and put some on. He then smelled his arm pits one by one.

"Ah! Much better." He said putting the stick of deodorant back into the cabinet. He smelled his skin and smirked a smile at himself. He was tempted to try the men's body soap but didn't want to smell like Mickey and took Rose's instead. Fresh bananas and coconut in a soap was simply a brilliant idea. He didn't understand why those had to be more for women then men. Men liked bananas and coconuts too. He then changed into his jim jams that were sitting on the sink and rubbed the towel on his head to dry some of his hair out. It was sticking out in all directions when the Doctor looked at himself again in the mirror. He looked the same the only real difference was what was inside. He placed his hand to his chest and felt his single heart beating.

"Still not used to that." He said out loud. He then looked at himself seriously in the mirror for a moment, thinking of the words he had kept saying over and over to people. He thought of the time when Rose and he had gone back in time for her to be there for her father, when he died. The couple that had asked him if they could be saved after the chaos that happened after Rose had caused a wound in time.

I've traveled to all sorts of places, done things you couldn't even imagine. But you two, street corner, two in the morning, getting a taxi home. I've never had a life like that.

He gave out a small sigh at the thought and ran his hand across his cheeks. He then made a mental note of getting a razor and learn how to shave as well. The planet, circling the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour and the most he had to worry about now was Rose Tyler and a proper shave. It felt odd having the power to feel the Earth moving so fast, like he was before always on the move, always traveling somewhere. Now, he was just here as the seconds and minutes ticked by, on the slow path. He studied his features for a moment then smiled at himself in the mirror.

"You always talked about humans living their life day after day, the one adventure you could never have.." He said looking into the mirror. He was talking to himself, but thought of the other Doctor as he spoke. "I just hope that you're alright knowing that out there, a part of you is on that adventure." He said. He then looked away from the mirror and picked up his suit trousers and hung the towel over the top of the shower. He walked to his room and pulled the TARDIS coral that was still in the confines of his suit trouser pocket and put it in the drawer in the nightstand next to his bed. He then set the pants down over the top of the wooden chair in the corner. He was tired, but he wasn't going to be rude. He decided to find Rose to at least tell her goodnight. He turned around and walked out of the room across the hall to Rose's room. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, wondering if she was even in there. He hadn't heard her enter her room or any noise inside to be able to tell.

"Rose?" He knocked at her door with his knuckle with a quick tap-tap. He tried to hear into the bedroom, placing his ear against the door but he couldn't hear much of anything.

"Rose?" He said again, as he began to open the door to peep inside. He let himself in and lightly shut the door behind him. Rose was standing there at the balcony window looking out towards the rain that was pouring down. It was quiet in her room, just the sound of the rain against the sliding glass window and his own breathing.

"Rose?" He tried again. She whirled around and saw him standing there in Mickey's jim jams. He could see the twinkling in her glassy eyes against the artificial light provided by the street lights.

"oh.. I didn't hear you." She said lightly. He gave her a small smile.

"I just wanted to say goodnight." He said.

"Ah, well, goodnight then." She said turning towards the window again as the rain trickled down.

He turned and walked to the door of her room, the opposite direction that he truly wanted to go. He saw the look in her eyes, she had been upset about something. Even the sound to her voice was lighter and raspy showing she had been upset or was about to be.

"Why-" She said just as the Doctor had placed his hand on the knob of her door. He turned back to look at her.

"What?" He asked as she turned her body to look at him again, he had to catch his breath to take in how she looked in front of him. She was wearing a silk nightgown that hugged at every curve on her body. Her terry cloth robe had covered most of her arms but was hanging off of her shoulders. Her silky blonde hair falling across her shoulders like small strands of sunlight in the darkened room. She was the vision of a heavenly being. He thought of how she looked, surrounded in the bright glow of the time vortex when she had saved him and the world from destruction. He collected himself before asking again.

"What were you going to say?" He asked.

"It's just..." She turned her gaze back out towards the window. "Why didn't you tell me about Donna?" She asked. It caught him by surprise.

"I can tell you about Donna." He said walking back up to her and taking her hands. "Oh, I can tell you loads of stories of Donna!" He smiled tugging her hands. "There was this one time we went to Pompeii, right before the eruption of Vesuvius!" He watched her face not show one glimmer of a smile. The smile he had on his face faded away.

"Wrong story to tell?" He asked. Her eyes looked at him then, glassy and brimming with tears.

"Donna's gone..." She stated. "Mum told me.." She said, looking into his eyes. The Doctor gave out a heavy sigh and released her hands, making them fall to her sides. "He's alone now.."

"Probably." The Doctor answered not looking into her eyes. The pain there was unbearable to look at, especially after she seemed so cheery a little while ago.

"Why didn't you tell me what was going to happen to Donna?" She asked.

"Because..I thou-" He said being cut off.

"Thought what? That I couldn't handle it? I've grown up a little since the last time you saw me. I'm not just some girl meant to work in a shop all her life."

"I didn't mean-" He tried.

"I spent so much time trying to find him, I came so far, just to be sent back here. I never thought in a million years that he'd leave me here, especially, if he knew he was going to be alone after he left." She said.

"Oi! He left me here too." He stated.

"That's because of what you did. He left you in my care." She argued. He started to feel his anger starting to bubble up. How dare she. He felt like someone being put in foster care because he was too much of a handful for his original creators to deal with.

"Which was completely uncalled for! I'm not a child! You know perfectly well that if I hadn't done what I did the entire cosmos would have been in danger!" He said raising his tone a bit. His eyes were almost blazing with his furrowed brow. It was the warning of the oncoming storm.

"It's something he wouldn't have done. He would have given them a choice." She said.
"He didn't have a choice, he would have done what I did. At that point there was no other option. They would have wiped the human race off of the Earth! And they wouldn't have stopped there.." he said looking into her eyes now. He was angry and it was odd seeing him in this form acting like the former Doctor she remembered. Oh how she missed him, the man with that daft grin and those big ears sometimes. She never wanted to admit it, but even when she had been traveling with the Doctor when he had first regenerated, she missed the old version of him at times. She knew he was still in there somewhere, within the new Doctor. He still held the same memories of them, but so did the one that was standing now before her. She turned away from him and looked outside, feeling a few of her tears trickle down her face. She was a jumble of emotions right now and she just couldn't hold it in anymore. He stood behind her as she looked out of the window.

"Rose, they would've wiped the human race off of the planet and then.." He said looking away from her now, he turned away. He felt the burning in his eyes of oncoming tears. Stupid humans and their mixture of emotions.

"Then..?" She said. He felt her hand on his shoulder. She didn't sound angry anymore, she sounded more like she was worried.

"Then.. they would have started to take everyone away from him, from me." He said giving out a sigh.

"They would have killed us." She stated matter of factly.

"They would've left him and I for last of course, so we could see everyone we ever cared about now, everyone he ever...just like that." He said, shaking his head of the thought of losing all of them, including Rose.

"I couldn't let anything happen to any of them, or to you." He said turning around and looking at her again. "I'd rather it be me to have the genocide on my hands then on his." He said. She looked at him, studying his features. His nose, his dark brown eyes, his hair in all directions, and a bit damp from the shower.

"I'm sorry, I-" She began to say but didn't finish before he put a finger to her lips.

"It's alright." he said looking away from her now and looking out of the window. "I didn't tell you about Donna because of all that's gone on today. I didn't want to cause you anymore sadness. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." He stroked the side of her cheek as a single tear fell across her cheek. "Rose Tyler, from now on I'll be honest. You have my word that I'll tell you if something important goes on, and I will answer any question you ask."

"Any?" She asked him raising an eyebrow. Her lips quirked up in a small smirk and it made the Doctor give out a small sigh of relief.

"Any." He stated. Giving her a slight smile back.

"Why couldn't he say it?" She asked, completely without hesitation. He watched as her sadness returned. Her eyes were threatening to release more tears. Except that.. he thought in his head.

"Rose..he does love you." He said. He watched her distance herself from him again. He felt his heart break seeing her upset. He was beginning to have selfish thoughts. That she obviously didn't want him, the one that stood in the same room as her, but it didn't matter right now.

"Then why didn't he say it?" She asked

"Because he knew he couldn't give you what you wanted." His voice was light, but he felt himself getting a bit annoyed. Rose was vulnerable right now, but so was he.

"And what was it that I wanted besides staying with him forever?" She asked, crossing her arms.

"Forever for him is different then yours." He said.
"So dropping me off back here is better? Out of sight out of mind then?" She asked, her brows furrowed and her hands were clenching into fists now. She was getting angry.

"He didn't drop you off back here alone. He dropped you here, with me." He said, feeling himself starting to get annoyed.

"He dropped you here to for me to keep an eye on you." She said.

"He dropped me here to be with you." He said, trying to correct her.

"Well I don't want you, I want him." She said flatly, making the Doctor wince at her words.

"I am him Rose." He said.

"No you're not." She stated.

"Who am I then?" He asked with his hands out. She looked at him, fully for the first time since they were on the beach. He had no TARDIS, no sonic screwdriver, not even two hearts, but he looked exactly like the Doctor. From his feet to his ridiculously good looking messy hair. A part of the Doctor was standing in front of her. The one that spoke the words she desperately wanted to hear so long ago. The one that was wearing Mickey's Jim jams standing awkwardly fidgeting in her room, waiting for her to reply. He was part human part timelord, far away in another world where not many knew him, and he was vulnerable.

"I- I'm sorry..I shouldn't have said that." She said walking towards him as he dropped his arms to his sides in physical defeat. He'd never had an argument nor a conversation that had felt so draining.

"Rose...it's alright..." He said wrapping his arms completely around her as she got within arms length of him. He didn't have to say what was alright. The lashing out, the anger, the fear, the sadness, the loss. He knew it was a mix of everything, because he in some way or form was feeling the same way she did. They both felt lost.

She buried her face into his chest, feeling more tears begin to come and the sobs began. He held her tighter all the while feeling his own eyes brimming with tears. He gave out a small sniffle and Rose didn't have to look up to know he was beginning to cry too. They both held each other for a while as they mourned their losses of the Doctor, Donna and the world that was left behind.

Rose's sobs finally slowed and stopped and as she rubbed her face against his shirt, she looked up at him. His face had a small stream of tears escaping him. She had seen him a few times upset, but never like this. Never so human. She reached up and brushed a tear from his cheek. He looked down at her, giving out another small sniffle. She let him go reluctantly and walked over to her bedside table and grabbed a few tissues. He followed her and stood next to her bed with her. She handed him a few tissues. He wiped his face with one and then blew his nose, making a loud sound. Rose gave out small giggle with the nasal sound as she wiped her own tears away.

"Oh.. you're shirt.." She said. The front of his shirt was wet from her tears. He gave her a weak smile.

"It's alright, it's just a shirt."He said, pulling it over his head and taking it off. He balled it up in his hands, not knowing what to do with it. She wasn't used to seeing him bare chested. Just on rare occasions when she had been aboard the TARDIS and they had both gone swimming in the swimming pool that was in the library. She sat on the bed and patted the spot beside her. He obediently sat next to her. She leaned her head against his shoulder. No other words were exchanged, just the sound of the rain beating repeatedly against her window. He turned his head and breathed in the fruity smell that came from her hair as he wrapped one arm around her side.

He kissed the top of her head as she lay there against him. She then shifted and moved his arm from her side. She curled up and layed on her bed, her head resting on her pillow. The Doctor got up and she watched him as he stood at her bedside. He leaned in and kissed her head and ran his fingers through her hair for a moment.

"Goodnight Rose." He said. As he turned away from the bed, he felt a hand grab one of his wrists. He stopped in mid stride and turned around. He was looking right into her eyes, they were so beautiful and so unbearably sad at the same time.

"Don't.." She whispered. "Please don't go.." She said, her eyes pleading more then her whispered voice.

He nodded and joined her on the bed. As he rested on her bed, Rose shifted, turned around and faced him as she closed her eyes. She moved one of her hands onto his chest, feeling his heart flutter beneath her touch. He placed his hand on top of her hand that was against his chest, giving out a sigh. This felt so pleasant after the argument that seemed far away now, having Rose in his arms like this.

He kissed her forehead again then kissed her temple. She barely moved, her eyes closed just feeling his heartbeat and him near her. He kissed her cheek and just below her eyes where her tears had streamed down. He could still taste the salt on his lips from her cheek. He kissed her lower jaw and then watched her cautiously. She had her eyes open now, watching him, waiting for his next move. He hesitated, to kiss her again. He was scared of being rejected or pushed away or not wanted. The amount of suffering he had seen on Rose's face through out the day had been enough. He leaned in slowly, praying in his mind that she wouldn't turn away from him. As his lips touched hers, he waited to be pushed away, but he wasn't. Instead he felt her other hand that was not on his chest running through his hair. He let go of her hand that was against his chest and wrapped his arms around her, embracing her tightly against him as he kissed her harder. She finally shifted away for a moment, but then came right back to his lips after a few moments of air.

Her lips crashed against his in constant fever, not wanting to stop. The Doctor felt his heart hammering in his chest like never before. It made him want to hold her tighter and never let her go. As their passionate kisses eased, they just smiled at each other lightly kissing each other back and forth. He watched Rose's eyes become heavy and soon she fell asleep after another sweet kiss upon his lips. He watched her silently in the night for a few moments, never wanting to look at anything but her. He felt himself falling asleep and closed his eyes slowly.

"I love you." He whispered before he gave in to sleeping, hoping the time he was unconscious, he would dream of Rose.

Thrown down... like a barricade
Maybe now he could prove to her
That he could be good for her
And they should be together
About just how much he never really told her...
About how difficult it had been to be without her...
Thrown down...