Okay, so it's been forever. But there's these things, they're called midterms, and they totally killed me this year...but enough with the excuses. Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone that has reviewed this story so far, you're all amazing. Read and review, hope you enjoy, and there's a little note at the end :-)
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH, the song is by Alicia Keys, "Like You'll Never See Me Again," and the quote used at the end is by John F. Kennedy.
If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we have
Is it everything that you were looking for
Karen was knocking on the bathroom door, and the steady sound collided with the pounding of Brooke's heart. She sat on the cold tile floor, with her back pressed firmly against the wall. Her eyes were staring into a place that she wasn't even seeing, carefully avoiding the pregnancy test that was still perched on the counter. Her mind was swarming with conflicting emotions, and she was wondering how her life had gotten to this point, how she had ended up in this situation. She might be pregnant.
Pregnant.
She repeated the word over and over again in her mind, testing it out, trying to understand how she felt about the possibility of having a child. But her thoughts and emotions were strewn together in a confusing mess, and she couldn't figure out if she should be happy or sad, excited or regretful, worried or grateful. Yet a consistent thought managed to come above all others, and in the silence of the room she could almost hear it erupting from her mind.
She was alone in this.
It was hard to swallow that everything had been normal just short of two weeks ago, and as hard as she tried, her mind couldn't reach back to remember how it felt. Happiness was an irretrievable feeling at this point in Brooke's life. But somehow, even though she was tainted with her own despair, there was still a feeling of love that never left her. It haunted her and remained in a place deep within her heart, and she could remember clearly how it felt to be in love with someone, and to have someone love her back.
"Brooke?" Karen's voice called out, closely followed by the sound of a turning door knob.
The door creaked as it was pushed open. She could feel Karen's eyes staring at her, but Brooke chose to remain still and speechless, wrapped in the possibilities of being pregnant, of being a mother, of doing it all alone. Karen cleared her throat loudly, and finally Brooke looked into the older woman's face, noting the look of concern that was so evident in the worried lines that had formed on her forehead. At that moment she felt something that she hadn't felt in a long time, and it came so quickly that she could barely distinguish what it was. Karen's concerned expression was somewhat comforting, because after losing the person that loved and cared for Brooke the most in her life, it felt good to know that someone else was there. Someone else cared, and that gave her hope.
"Did you take a test?"
The question is harmless, and Karen doesn't even understand what she's just done by asking it. Brooke narrowed her eyes, and she fought to keep herself together as she remembered back to the first time that something like this happened. The first time that she thought she was pregnant it was only a scare, but it felt as if her entire life was about to fall apart right before her eyes.
He's sitting on the picnic table, staring at the court when she approaches him. At first he doesn't see her, but once she's directly in front of him, his eyes focus and his broody-gaze is more apparent than ever. He looks at her with a sense of guilt in his eyes, and it was as if he was silently speaking to her. She can tell by his intrusive gaze that all he wants to do is say that he's sorry over and over again for what he's done to her, even though he's already said it multiple times.
A brutal wind erupts from the trees surrounding the court, and a shiver runs down her spine. She shoves her hands deep within her pockets as her hair blew in her face, and she nervously tucks a stray piece behind her ear. She can't find the strength to look him in the eye, because she knows that if she does, her heartbreak will deepen. He barely understands what he's done to her. Brooke Davis was a closed in person. She never let people get to close to her, because she knew from experience that most people would end up hurting her in the long run. She chose her friends and those she cared for decisively, and when she was faced with the prospect of giving her heart to Lucas Scott, she was filled with uncertainty. But she was convinced that Lucas was different from all the other boys that she'd been with in the past. She trusted him. And of course, the one time that she let her guard down, she ended up being betrayed by not one, but two people that she cared for and trusted more than anything.
"I need to talk to you," she says in a shaky whisper, and his squinted eyes narrow even more by the tone of her voice.
She sounds terrified.
"Okay," he says, nodding his head reassuringly in a futile attempt to somehow comfort the broken girl standing before him.
She takes a deep breath, looks him straight in the eye, and says in a single breath, "I think I'm pregnant."
His mouth slightly falls open in shock, and she can feel the tears begin to well in her eyes.
"What do you mean, "you think?"'
His eyes frantically search her face, looking for a sign of laughter or the sight of her dimpled smile, signaling that this was all just a cruel joke to get back at him for what he'd done. But her expression is resolute, and the only emotion he can see in her face is pure fear. His mind is racing, and all he can think about is that they're just too young for something like this. They're only juniors in high school.
"I mean I'm late," she says, and at first he doesn't appear to understand. "Like...late," she elaborated.
Finally something clicks in his head, and he tries to form a coherent thought, a coherent sentence...but nothing comes to him. The only thought he had was still sounding in his mind, and when the harsh wind whistled in his ear he could almost hear it whispering, "You're too young." But then another thought comes into focus, and he's shocked that he's had it, but at the same time a little bit relieved. Maybe this could be his second chance with Brooke Davis. Maybe this was happening right now, at this very moment, to bring them back together.
But when his frantic eyes search her once again, the thought vanishes and is replaced with the frightened image of the girl standing before him.
He stumbles over his words, wanting to say so many things to comfort and reassure her, but the only thing he manages is, "Did you take a test?"
Brooke wondered if he would react to her news as an adult the same way he did as a young boy in high school. But she would never know, and she hated the fact that she would never come to understand so many things about the man she loved.
In high school, it had only been a false alarm. It turned out that she wasn't pregnant, and her fear over the matter was all for nothing. But in the present time, as she sat on that cold bathroom floor, the fear she felt now was infinitely worse than the terror she'd felt the first time something like this happened. Because this time, she didn't have him here with her.
"Brooke, did you take a test?"
It's the second time that Karen has asked, and she repeated it slowly and precisely, as if she was talking to a young child. Brooke fought the urge to place her hands over her ears, because for the second time, she can hear Lucas's voice over Karen's, asking her that same question in the past.
Brooke's eyes wondered unwillingly to the counter of the sink and the pregnancy test that sat on top of it. Karen followed her gaze, and in one swift movement she picked the test up, her eyes quickly scanning over the results.
She can't bring herself to look at the test on her own, so she walks out of her small bathroom and back into the bedroom. He's sitting on her bed patiently, and her entire body shakes as she approaches him. He watches her closely, and to him she looks like nothing more than a young child, and the traces of her previous seductive and confident self have vanished. She looks like a 17 year old girl that shouldn't have to be experiencing something like this so soon in life.
She reaches her arm out until it's positioned directly in front of his face. At first, all he looks at is her fingers, because she was gripping the pregnancy test so hard that her knuckles were turning whiter by the second. Then he heard her sharp intake of breath as she attempted to hold in a sob, and he averted his gaze back to the test.
"It's positive," he whispered.
"It's positive," Karen said loudly, her eyes widening in shock.
Last time, it was only a false alarm. But somehow, Brooke knew that it wasn't this time.
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I've been looking for
She needed to get away from the positive pregnancy test that had the potential to make her situation even worse, and she also needed a desperate escape from her life. So she'd gotten in the car, ignoring the pleas from Karen to stay and talk about what they had just discovered. She drove around for hours, until the sun went down and the entire town of Tree Hill had grown dark, with only the steady light from the pale moon visible. Then she ended up in a strange yet familiar place.
She was parked by the water on the far side of the court, and the white light from the moon was shining across the river, illuminating the steady lull of the water. There was a young group of boys playing a quick pick-up game on the court, and the sound of the basketball slamming against the pavement brought back far too many memories.
She'd stood on this court with Lucas countless times before, but she hadn't really been back here with him since high school. He lost his love for basketball when he entered college and the world of writing, and since then Lucas had never really returned to the court where his entire life had begun.
"This is my world, Brooke...or at least it used to be," he said, gesturing to the court where his old group of friends were playing.
She smiled coyly and replied, "I have been here before, you know."
"I know, I've just never told you what this place is to me...it's not just a court," he paused, gripping her hands tightly in his, "it's where I came from, it's where I belong. It's my world."
Her smile softened a bit, and she knew that what he was saying was something more than just an explanation of what the basketball court was to him. He was opening his heart to her in ways that he never had before.
"So do I get to be part of this world?" she asked shyly, still with that ever present hint of mischief in her eyes.
"The biggest part," he said, lowering his head to hers.
And then he kissed her.
Brooke got out of the car slowly, and with tentative steps she made her way across the grass to the picnic table that she'd sat on so many times in the past. As she sat down, she noticed that the sound of the ball dribbling had ceased, and she looked curiously to the group of boys playing on the court. They were all staring at her, but the look on their faces wasn't the normal reaction that a boy would get when looking at Brooke Davis. Their expressions conveyed a hint of pity, and even sadness.
The boldest one out of the group approached her shyly, and he looked to be no more than 16 years old, with sandy brown hair and a hint of freckles across his nose. He reached out his hand hesitantly, and Brooke took it in her own.
"Just wanted to let you know, we're all sorry for your loss Ms. Davis," he said, nodding his head back toward his friends to let her know that he wasn't the only one sending his respect. Then he dropped her hand and returned to the court, and they resumed their game as if she'd never shown up.
It seemed that the entire town of Tree Hill knew about the loss of Lucas Scott, local writer and former basketball player. Brooke wasn't surprised though. There had been dozens of newspaper articles about the plane crash, and most local television stations had covered the story almost every night for two weeks straight.
Brooke brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, and she sat in silence for many minutes. She watched the game on the court without really paying attention to what was going on, but for the first time in two weeks she felt at peace in a place that she could remember Lucas clearly, as if he were still here. She was content to just be there, in the place that Lucas belonged, in his world.
She pictured Jamie in her mind, with his childish laughter and those perfect blue eyes mixed with blonde hair. Nathan and Haley were amazing parents to him, but they were two people, and Brooke was only one person. At the rate that she was going at, she'd never be able to raise a child on her own. I raised myself, she thought, trying to give herself the benefit of the doubt. She had, after all, grown up with limited parental guidance, and she turned out to be a pretty decent person.
She jumped a bit when someone touched her shoulder from behind, and she whirled around to find Karen standing with Lily.
"Why don't you go play by the swings, Lil?" Karen suggested, pointing to the playground that was in walking distance from the basketball court.
Lily ran off to play, and Karen took a seat next to Brooke on the picnic table.
"You didn't have to bring her out so late, Karen. I was just about to come home..."
But Karen just shook her head and handed Brooke a sweatshirt, and she took it in her hands, realizing almost immediately that it was Lucas's old grey hoody.
"You left it in the bathroom, and I figured you'd need it. It's a chilly night, isn't it?" Karen offered, sounding happy and energetic.
Brooke slowly nodded her head and looked at the woman beside her questioningly, wondering why she seemed so happy at the moment. Lucas's mother had been a wreck for weeks, even worse than Brooke had, but at the moment she looked unfazed.
Minutes passed by, and the only distraction that Brooke received besides the ongoing basketball game was the casual comments from Karen. She made remarks about the weather, the talent of the boys that were playing, and even about how beautiful the river and the town beyond it looked at night. She spoke of anything except the positive pregnancy test that she'd read hours before.
Finally, Brooke couldn't take it anymore. If Karen wasn't going to talk about it, then she would have to.
"How'd you do it?" she asked, interrupting Karen's speech about how it was supposed to rain for the next three days.
Karen looked at her curiously, and after a pause she said, "Do what?"
"The single mother thing...raising a child by yourself. How'd you manage?"
The older woman smiled knowingly, as if she knew that this question was coming. Brooke looked into her eyes, blue as Lucas's and filled with wisdom, and waited anxiously for her to answer. There must be a secret to being a single parent, something that everyone else knew and that Brooke had yet to find out.
"I fought, Brooke," Karen said, sighing heavily, "and it was hard, but I fought until it got easier. There were some nights when I just wanted to give up, but I had Keith with me, and he was always there to help. But in the long run, I was blessed with an amazing child that turned into an even greater man, and that made everything worth it."
The sounds of Lily's laughter from the playground carried to the two women sitting on the picnic table, and Karen's eyes glimmered with the threat of tears. "And you know what? I'm fighting all over again, and this time I don't have Keith or even Lucas here to help me."
Brooke turned away as she caught sight of the first tear slipping down Karen's cheek, and suddenly she felt ashamed. Karen had raised a child on her own, and she had lost him. She'd fallen in love with a man and she was going to marry him, but she lost him also, and now she's raising his child. Brooke didn't deserve to feel bad for herself, not when she knew of another person who had suffered through so much more.
"But Brooke, you need to understand something," Karen said, and she reached for Brooke's hand with the experience and empathy of someone who understood how Brooke felt. She squeezed her hand gently, and with a quivering voice she continued, "You are more of a fighter than I've ever been, or will ever hope to be. If anyone can do this, it's you. I know that this seems like a terrifying tragedy right now, but I promise you things will get better. You can do this, and I'll be there every step of the way to help you."
But she was still unconvinced, and she shook her head and looked to the ground. She couldn't do this, not without Lucas to help her. She couldn't look into his child's eyes every single day, because she'd be too afraid. She didn't want to have the burden of seeing Lucas in her child. It would only hurt her more.
Karen cleared her throat, and this time when she spoke, her voice was filled with a passion that Brooke hadn't heard from her in what seemed like a life-time. "You're brave, Brooke. Even in spite of tragedy, you're still brave and you'll always be that way, and it would be a shame if your child would never be able to see that their mother is such a brilliant person."
She turned to look back into Karen's eyes. A strong breeze swarmed around them, and it carried with it a memory of someone who once gave her the courage to overcome something that seemed almost insurmountable.
She sat on her bed with Lucas beside her, and they were both surrounded by books filled with things that she would probably never care enough about to read. In order to campaign for class president, she had to give a speech. But public speaking was never her area of expertise, and she didn't even know what to speak about or how to say it. Furthermore, even if she came up with a speech, she knew that no one would ever take her seriously, and she wanted to prove all of them wrong. She wanted to show that she was so much more than what her reputation pegged her as- a party girl. In the beginning, she was confident and sure that she could win. But now, her courage was slowly becoming less and less apparent, as were her chances of winning the election.
"This is from a speech from John F. Kennedy," Lucas said, handing her a small book. "I think it could work for you."
She looked at him curiously, and turned to read the section that he pointed out. She skimmed the words quickly, taking in their meaning.
"The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph...and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles, and dangers, and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality."
She immediately shook her head after reading them, and turned to Lucas to protest.
"This is all about courage. Nobody is gonna believe this coming from me."
He looked down for a moment and smiled, then he lifted his head again to look into her eyes. "I would," he said sincerely, and she opened her mouth slightly in shock, and smiled at him.
He believed in her, and he knew that she could do this. And because of that, she found a new belief in herself.
Lucas wasn't here for her, and he was never going to be again. But Brooke knew that he still believed in her, even if he was gone. If he was here, he would tell her that she was brilliant and beauitful and brave, and that she could handle this.
Karen squeezed her hand once more, and Brooke unconsciously moved her free hand to her stomach. She continued to look into Karen's eyes, and for the first time in a long time, Brooke Davis smiled.
"I can handle this," she said fiercely, and she knew, deep down inside, that she could.
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted
The time you may have here with me
Cuz Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed
Thanks for reading guys! There's one more chapter left for this, so I hope you stick it out till the end! Yes, this story is sad, but life isn't always about happy times, you know? Sometimes you've got to go through some hard times before things get easier, and I guess that's what this story is sort of about...Anyway, thank you so much for reviews and criticism. Also, to those that have asked me to make an alternate plot line in which Lucas lives- sorry, I can't do that, but I can try to make up for it by giving you another story sometime in the future that's extra happy! Sound good?
