A/N

Hey guys, so lots of swearing...

Also thanks to everyone who has read this fic, and big thanks to everyone who followed, favourited and reviewed.

Chapter 3 – Is it possible for Elves to die of shock? Or, Elves are in no way prepared for a modern Aussie gal….

Bilbo and Bec were so preoccupied that they didn't notice the dwarrow muttering about how Erebor was nicer, and that their burglar and champion shouldn't be appreciating anything the tree shaggers made. This was made difficult by how ethereal Rivendell looked, appearing as Bec had always imagined the afterlife to look. She hoped that wherever her grandparents had ended up was as pretty as this. After meeting Yavanna and Mahal, Bec was sure that Earth must have some form of higher power, although she was still sticking to her own ideals, rather than the Christian God. However, she was starting to think that they might all exist, in one way or another…

After Bec nearly fell off trying to see over the edge of the thin footbridge, Dori had a hand around her arm, to keep her safe until they had finished crossing. The dwarrow wanted their champion to at least stay alive until she had finished showing them the movie, if not the rest of her marvellous devices. Dori, however, could do with never hearing "rock music" again, very uncouth sounding noise. He didn't understand how a lady came to listen to such things, let alone sing them herself!

Unfortunately for Dori, he was one of the only dwarrow with such sensibilities, as Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Fili and Kili all thought of the Lady Dis, and how she would react to being told what she could and could not do. The Ur family, as well as Nori, Oin and Gloin all thought that Bec was refreshing, and deserved to have some fun. Ori, meanwhile, realised that Bec came from a completely different place and time, and so assumed that her behaviour was typical of women on Earth, and was mainly itching to talk to her, so he could chronicle all of her experiences and knowledge on her home. Bilbo was still a little angry at Bec's explanation of her husband, as that behaviour was unheard of in the Shire, and judging from Dwalin's reaction, to the Dwarrow as well. He was also curious to learn about his nephew, and perhaps some of the other types of music Bec had mentioned. Gandalf, on the other hand, was more worried about the elves' reaction, and scheming about how to get the woman to let him examine some of her 'technology'. She must be a great sorceress in her world, to make such things.

As they reached the courtyard, an elf started to descend the steps, greeting Gandalf in Sindarin. Bec, having finally been released by Dori, scurried closer, to try and kick-start her understanding of Sindarin, so she wouldn't be left out of conversations. She hated not knowing when someone was talking about her. Sadly, the horns sounded behind her, and she got dragged into the middle of the circle of dwarrow.

What had seemed kind of funny in the movie, with the elves circling the dwarrow, after galloping straight towards them, was terrifying in real life, especially with her new height. Like most women in her family, when Bec got scared, she started to yell, and with the yelling came a lot of swearing. Once Gandalf realised what was happening, he slowly performed an action that Bec distantly noted as a face palm, something that she didn't think happened in real life, but she was a little busy at that point taking the elves to task.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?! You're s'posed to be these all-knowing awesome, fucking nice people, and hear you are trying to terrify a much smaller group of people, both in number and height, simply because you can?! Let me guess, you saw dwarrow, and thought it would be funny, right? Ha, fucking, ha guys. Really mature behaviour for the first born to come up with! I mean, seriously, even the skanks I knew back home, at least have the courtesy to bitch about you behind your back, they knew they'd get fucked up if they said anything to your face! Fucking fuckity fuck! You took like ten years off my life with that scare, the horse's heads are higher than I am, and they look really fucking huge!"

There was a shocked silence, when Bec finally stopped to catch her breath. Before she could start again, the dwarrow started laughing uproariously, with some of them having to hold each other up, from laughing so hard.

"I definitely believe Mahal sent her now, cousin! I've never seen a non-dwarrow be so blunt to elves before." Dwalin managed to get this out in between gasping guffaws.

In contrast, the elves were frozen in shock, either at being called out on their behaviour, or the sheer amount of swearing that the tiny woman had worked into her yelling. There was probably also some shock at her being a woman as well. Gandalf, and Bilbo just looked resigned, which was good, as this was probably going to happen a fair bit.

Elrond seemed to recover the quickest, and dismounted, bowing to the company.

"My apologies, Mistress and company, it was intended as good fun, but I can see how it could be taken in a different way."

He then proceeded to greet Gandalf, taking a bit longer in the movies. As he was glancing between Gandalf and Bec for most of the conversation, she assumed it was about her, and who she was. Fili and Kili both came up behind her, having finally stopped laughing, and proceeded to hug her as hard as they could.

"Let the human breathe, guys. Mahal made me more durable, he didn't give me the ability to not have to breathe!"

Once everyone had calmed down, they were invited in, and shown to a lovely room, to leave their belongings in. Then, two elves came and escorted the company to the baths. When the dwarrow kicked up a fuss at being separated from Bec, she came back with, "Unless some of you are willing to part with your boys, for the sake of a bath, don't even try it. Even my ex-husband only had permission if he was late for work. Since he was a bit of a bludger, he was usually running late, but most of the time, he didn't have time to wash either, so it worked out. Point is, unless some of you dwarrow are volunteering to become permanent dams, stay on your side, clear?"

With this, a blushing Bec stepped through one door, and slammed it shut. A clunking let the gathered males know that the door had also been barred. There was silence, and then they heard excited squealing.

"By the Lady, this is the best looking bath I have ever seen! I think I'm in love! Oooh, come to Mama, I deserve this so much…"

As the talking trailed off into happy moans, the males all blushed, and hurried into their bathing chamber, making enough noise and bluster to cover the noise of the satisfied human woman.

"Nori, do all females act like that when they take baths?" A very uncomfortable Ori asked.

"Well, I'm not sure, but if she likes these, she'll love the hotspring baths in Erebor." Nori looked contemplative.

Bilbo chimed in. "I don't know about dams, but my mother always said that the best thing about coming home from an adventure was the bath that my father built for her, because there was nothing better after being on the road for any length of time, than getting warm, worry free water and privacy to wash in, and take as long as you liked."

The rest of the company seemed pleased by this explanation, as they remembered that it looked like Bec had been travelling when Mahal found her.

Meanwhile, Bec had gotten out the one semi-fancy outfit she had packed, as she had been intending to stop at a friend's house in Sydney for a catch-up dinner on the way home. It was a lovely deep purple dress, made of jersey material, so lovely soft and stretchy. It was strapless, with ruching on the top, which fell to just below her knees. She added a silver knitted cotton jacket, which also hid 5 of her tattoos. She also grabbed her intended shoes, a pair she loved, and had never managed to find another pair of, platform stiletto gladiator sandals, that laced all the way up her calf. She would need the height around the elves. After brushing her hair, she pinned most of it up in a messy updo, except for the braids, baring her neck. She took out her rings, bracelets and necklaces, as she had taken them off before Mahal dropped her into Middle Earth, so they didn't run the risk of being lost. She had a Claddagh ring her grandmother had given her on her right ring finger, an amber ring on her left pointer, a tiny little yin yang ring on her left thumb, a pinky ring on her right hand, which contained tiger-eye from a necklace her grandfather had bought her that had broken, and finally the one gold ring, a copy of one of her mother's, with two small diamond hearts, and her parents names engraved on the inside on her left pinky. She had four necklaces of varying lengths. The longest hung just below her breast, and had an ankh, and her great grandmothers engagement ring on it. The next came to between her breasts, and had her grandmother's opal locket. The third rested just above her cleavage, and had a heart shaped pendant of rainbow moonstone. The last was a little bit looser than a choker and had a small engraved pendant that her parents had given her after her husband kicked her out, which read, 'Live the life you have imagined.'

Finally, the bracelets she had, were a silver one her sister gave her, a Pandora bracelet, with charms from her family, and a leather cuff with Mjolnir engraved on it, which covered up one of her tattoos. She wasn't ashamed of any of her tattoos, she just wasn't sure if the dwarrow would kick up a fuss, and it was the most noticeable in this outfit. Her earrings never came out, so they weren't a worry, and with how many ear cuffs the dwarrows had, she didn't think they would kick up a fuss with those.

She took a deep breath, and opened the door, only to be shocked. They had all left! After Bilbo's explanation, the company had decided to let Bec bathe in peace, and requested that an elf maid wait, and direct her to the dining hall when she was finished.

The elf maid seemed intrigued by the material of Bec's clothes, and the concept of heels, and they had a lovely chat on the way to the hall. When Bec saw the doors, she started to get nervous, until the elleth calmed her down. Newly confident, Bec started walking more strongly, so a clicking could be heard by those inside. A hush fell over the room, and everyone looked gobsmacked over how well she cleaned up. Despite Gandalf waving her over, Bec walked over to sit between Dori and Bombur, the elleth coming after her with a chair, once she changed direction. Thanking the elleth, Bec sat down. Dori patted her on the arm.

"You look lovely, dear. Where were you hiding these? And all of your lovely jewellery?"

Bec smiled. "I had this packed, because I was going to stop and see an old school friend after my trip, and this is the jewellery I normally always wear, but, I'll be keeping it safe in my pack for most of the trip, as a lot of it has sentimental, rather than monetary value, like my great grandmothers engagement ring, my grandmothers locket and my charm bracelet."

Ori was now the interested party. "Your great grandmother? Who's that? Is it common to wear family heirlooms all the time? Why did your grandmother give you such important things, instead of your mother or father?"

"Well Ori, in this case my great grandmother was my grandmother's mother. It depends on the person I suppose, but I've always believed that jewellery is bought to wear, and so it should be, no matter how old it is. My grandmother gave me the locket and engagement ring before she moved into the nursing home, as my mum, sister, aunt, uncle and cousins picked other things. The only piece I don't have with me, that I wish I did, are her pearls. She left them to me, and while my mother is keeping the large strand, I had the seed pearls that she had."

Kili, having been embarrassed by Dwalin, had wandered over and sat next to Ori.

"What are all of the pretty stones? I only recognise the tiger-eye on your ring? The pendant there looks a little like the Arkenstone from your movie."

Bec leaned over to show him her rings, and her locket slipped out hanging between them. Kili, seeing the different colours in it, grabbed it to have a look, not realising that he was pulling Bec forward.

"What's this one? It's really pretty, all different colours. Oh, and it's a locket, like Gloin's. Who's inside yours, Bec?"

Having finally noticed, Kili let go of the pendant, and Bec sat back a bit. She took a breath, and displayed her hands again.

"Ok, from right to left, I have a pinky ring, with tiger-eye from a necklace my grandpa gave me. It broke, and then stone was the only salvageable part, so I had part of it made into this ring. Then I have a Claddagh ring my grandma gave me, it's a type of Irish promise ring. The one on my thumb is a yin yang symbol, it's about balance, made of onyx and white howlite. Then I have amber in this ring, amber is petrified tree sap, which is probably why you don't recognise it. Finally on my left pinky is a copy of a ring my dad got for my mum when they were dating, with two tiny diamond hearts, and their names engraved on the inside." Bec took off the gold ring to show Kili the inside.

"Finally, the heart pendant is a rainbow moonstone. Moonstone is my birthstone, so when I saw this pendant, I just had to get it. The stone in my locket is called an opal, and Australia, my country, is famous for having excellent opals. I'm sure you guys will have stones here that I've never seen or heard of before either."

Gloin had taken notice of the conversation when Kili mentioned her locket, and chimed in.

"No lass, we have all of those stones in Erebor, but not in Ered Luin, which is why Kili hasn't seen most of them. The only ones I've never heard of are your moonstone and amber."

There was silence for a while, as they ate, or tried to find meat in the case of the company. A loud noise seemed to shatter the silence, repeating and getting louder. It was coming from Bec! She looked a little shocked at all of the stares, then plunged her hand down her top, emerging with what she had called her phone. The elves were amazed at the sound such a tiny object was making, while Bec was flustered at having been the centre of attention again. Kili was goggling at her, for where she had put her hands.

"What? They're big enough; it's like having an inbuilt shelf. It would be stupid not to use the extra space!"

Amazingly, all of the males started blushing, while the elleth wandered closer, asking how she had stopped it from falling out of the bottom of her dress. Bec proceeded to shock the elves even more by explaining about bras, although the elves were intrigued, particularly the female warriors, as breast binding was uncomfortable. Since Bec had brought her bag with her, she gave the elleth one of her bras to examine, and see if they could replicate it.

Before anyone could die of shock at the impropriety, Ori piped up with a burning question.

"Erm, Mistress Saxby? What was that loud noise about, earlier?"

Bec looked a little sad. "It was a reminder Ori, to ring my parents and sister, to let them know I was ok, and see how my baby was going."

There was an uproar at Bec's phrasing.

"That scoundrel left you even with a child!" Shockingly, Thorin's roar was the loudest. Bec, who hadn't realised they were all listening was taken aback.

"Oh! No! No, no, no. I don't have an actual baby. I meant my cat, Shadow. Since I don't have any kids, I kind of dote on her, and I always feel bad leaving her behind, because Troy traumatised her, and she's only slowly getting over it. Would you like to see a picture?"

The dwarrow had relaxed at the explanation, and leaned in to see more of her 'technology'. Bec brought up photographs of her family, and cat. The whole hall crowded in to see this miracle, they weren't portraits, it was like one of the Valar had frozen her family and trapped them inside. When a shy Bombur brought this up, Bec laughed, and replied that it was like a portrait, and that before digital cameras, they used light to sear an image onto film, and printed that. She showed them that was alright by taking photographs, first of the elves, then the dwarrow once they realised nothing bad was happening to the elves.

Thus Bec made her first complete change of the story, as she avoided Bofur's song and the subsequent food fight.

Once they were back in the wing reserved for guest use, Bec enlarged her saddlebags, and started pulling food out. Three different kinds of meat, two in odd shiny packaging; vegetables – potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, carrots, peas; some sort of flour mix; apples; spices; tea, and best of all, beer. She also grabbed a bottle with a bright yellow label and white bear, but put that to the side. She looked at the gaping company, and chirped, "Dinner is served!"

Bombur and Bilbo got to work peeling the vegetables, while Dwalin and Gloin took the meat. Gloin quickly started carving the ham up, which Bec guessed was from Yavanna, as she didn't remember buying, let alone packing a whole leg of ham. Dwalin had started to look at her two original packages of meat, trying to figure out how to open them. Bec watched for a bit, before taking one of them off him, and slitting the plastic with a knife.

"This is roo meat, Dwalin. I got it to try out, because kangaroos are a pest in Australia, and they're meant to be very healthy lean meat, so I guess we'll see if you guys like it."

Dwalin looked at it suspiciously, but finally gave it to Bombur to put in the pot. Meanwhile, Bec had started mixing together the flour and some of the spices. Bombur noticed, and asked what she was doing.

"Well, I'm making an Aussie bread called damper. Since we only really have a campfire, cakes and such are out of the question for dessert, but I make a lovely sweet version, with apple and cinnamon. Once there are enough coals, I'll put the dough in my camp oven, and then in about half an hour, we'll have some lovely bread, and can put some honey or maple syrup on it, for our dessert. If anyone wants to, that is."

After being assured by everyone that they wanted to try the damper, Bec put it on to cook. Thorin, Balin and Bilbo came back from their meeting looking downcast as they had to wait a week before the map could be read, but they brightened a little when they smelled the stew that had just finished cooking, and were given slices of ham and a beer each. Kili and Fili had meanwhile noticed the bottle that Bec had put to the side, and sidled around to grab it. Before she could stop them, they had each taken a swig. To her mingled amusement and horror, they both spat it out, and guzzled their beer.

"Augh! What is that? It tastes terrible!"

"That boys, is my favoured drink, Bundaberg Rum. Its an alcohol created from fermenting sugar cane juice and molasses, and it's the best thing since vegemite on toast! I was about to say that only hard core or long time rum drinkers have it neat, most people mix it with water or soft drink. Do you want to try again with some water?"

By now, the entire company was listening, so they all wanted to try it, although Dwalin, Thorin, Nori and Gloin insisted on drinking neat rum. Their faces were hilarious to Bec, especially when they realised that she was drinking neat rum. In the end, Dwalin, Nori, Fili, Oin and shockingly Ori all liked the rum, and told Bec that if she ever offered again, they would say yes.

The damper was such a success that both Bilbo and Bombur begged her not only for the recipe, but to make it again when they were on the road. Once everyone had finished eating, they pulled out their pipes, knitting (Ori), and carving (Bifur and Bofur), and proceeded to relax. Once Bec noticed what they were doing, she dove into her backpack, and came up with a small blanket and crochet hook, and proceeded to continue her blanket. Bilbo, who had only crocheted doilies, seemed fascinated by the blanket.

"Oh, well, my grandpa's mum taught me to crochet when I was little, I thought it was much easier than knitting at that point, but I only ever remembered how to make blankets. I do have a fair few patterns and such that I got from magazines or the internet, but I never had time to try them. Guess I'll have plenty of time on this journey, though."

Bec had taken her cuff off to crochet, as it made it easier to move her wrist, and it was just her luck that Kili noticed her tattoo.

"Mistress Saxby, I think you missed a spot in your bath. Or did you get injured from the orcs?"

Hearing the word 'injured', Oin bustled over, and ignoring Bec's protests, held her wrist up to the firelight. The dwarrow all gasped when they realised that it was a tattoo, and Bec cringed, ready to be taken to task once more for being 'unlady-like'.

"That's beautiful lassie, what is it for?" Dwalin had come over, and gently taken her wrist from Oin, who was now smiling.

"Oh, um, I got this after my grandma died. This was my first tattoo, and she loved butterflies, plus they mean transformation, and I thought I could do with some of that energy. Mum had a fit when I came home with it. Kept saying it was unlady-like and I'd never get a job. She nearly had kittens when I got more!"

"You've got more than one, Mistress Saxby?" Fili was entranced, they were delicate little creatures, and he wanted to know what the others looked like.

"Please, call me Bec, you guys. All of you, really. And to answer your question Fili, I have 9 tattoos altogether, you lot just aren't very observant."

Dwalin seemed to be the most eager to compare tattoos, as he came back with, "Well now I'm lookin' lass, I can spy somethin' on the back o' your neck. Is that one?"

"Well done Dwalin. That one hurt like a moth…er….a lot. But I still didn't cry. Would you like to see it? This wolf is because I am in essence, a pack animal, and like the loyalty that wolves have."

Bec swept up her remaining hair, so Dwalin could see the wolf properly, and upon noticing all of the company looking at her, turned so they could see as well.

The dwarrow all looked impressed, as they all had at least one tattoo, denoting their craft, and knew how much they hurt. Thorin especially was looking happier. If this young woman had enough strength to sit through 9 tattoos, she had to be more than she appeared.

Kili jumped in next. "I see some on your ankles!"

"Oh you finally spotted those ones? That reminds me, I need to get changed into some sleeping gear. I'll show you the ones on my ankles, and then change, ok. These ones hurt heaps, right next to the bone. On the outside of my right ankle, I have a Celtic heart knot, with a triquetra inside, which means a heap of things, in the Celtic tradition. I can explain them later, if you'd like. On the inside of my left ankle, I have a triple goddess moon, with a pentacle inside the full moon, this one represents my beliefs. Finally, in a mirror to my little sister's first tattoo, I have a phrase on the outside edge of my left foot. Mine says, "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." Now that that is done, I'm going to change. I'll be back in a second and show you the rest."

While Bec was changing, the company had a discussion about how she was much more than she first appeared, first charging towards an orc pack with no fear, then with dressing down an elf lord, and finally with the amount of tattoos she had. It took a lot of guts to sit still and essentially let someone scar you outside of battle, and this tiny girl said she had 9! They weren't small either, although they also weren't large. When she stepped back out, she was wearing long pants, a sleeveless top, and was carrying a jacket. She bent and sat down, and Ori squeaked as he caught a glimpse of her back.

"Mis- Bec, that is a lovely colour on your back. What kind of tree is it?"

The company started whispering as Bec turned around and showed them the large purple tree that stretched from the top of her shoulder to below where they could see.

"This is a Jacaranda tree, or an approximation of one, anyway, and it goes down my left side until the bottom of my rib cage, so that ones pretty big, and its unlikely any of you will see it fully. This one was just because my grandparents had three giant Jacaranda trees in their yard, and we would play in them all the time. It's a lovely reminder."

There were only three tattoos left now, and since Bec was no longer wearing a jacket, they were pretty easy to spot. She had line drawing of a cat on her left inside wrist, which she explained was for Shadow, and because cats were cunning, and lucky. On the top of her left forearm, she had some more writing, this one reading, "We were born to be real, not to be perfect". Her final tattoo was on her right upper arm, and had a tree changing into birds flying away with text at the top and bottom. The text read, "Wings to show you what you can become", and "Roots to remind you where you're from".

Fili, Kili and Ori, as the closest in relative age seemed to be in awe of Bec. Kili in particular knew he would never be able to keep still long enough to get half of the tattoos. Eager to take the attention off herself, Bec set up the laptop, and started the movie again.

A/N 2: I'm still not 100% sure if people like this, so the first three people to comment, can add in their comment a movie or t.v. show they want the company to end up watching, or a quote that you would like to be used. I am trying to write up a few chapters so that I can keep posting every day, or at least every two days.

Also, if anyone can think of more Australianisms to use, or uniquely Aussie situations and stuff, please let me know, because I'm kind of running out.