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Chapter 4

When they made it into the trailer, Derek watched as Meredith carefully placed her shoes beside his and set about putting away her coat and bag. He smiled to himself, content in the knowledge that she seemed to feel at home there with him.

"Would you like some coffee?" He offered, slightly indicating to the pot on his left.

"Sure," she smiled gratefully.

A few minutes later he finished measuring out the appropriate amount of water and coffee grounds when Derek felt two thin arms creep around his midsection and Meredith bury her face between his shoulder blades. After pressing the switch to turn the coffee maker on, he twisted around in order to hold the woman behind him properly.

"I see you found my sweatpants," he teased lightly.

"Well, next time I'll bring some of my own clothes so I don't have to steal yours."

"Or you could just not bother with clothes all together," he decided, skimming his lips against the side of her neck. Meredith giggled at both his suggestion and the feel of his breath tickling her skin. "I'm all for naked time. More naked time, I say."

"Fist talk, then naked time," Meredith promised before giving his lips a firm peck.

Knowing she was right, Derek followed her over to the small booth that acted as the kitchen table. She was wearing a determined expression that told him to wait and follow her lead.

"I have another rule," Meredith finally began. "We have to talk more. Looking back I feel like so many things could have been fixed or completely avoided if we had just talked to each other. Too many times we shut the other out or just assumed what the other was feeling without really asking." The soft, understanding gaze Derek was sending her seemed to give her enough motivation to continue on. "I want to talk about it all, Der. Everything and anything that has happened since the day we met. I'll tell you anything you want to know and I hope you'll do the same."

"Of course," Derek readily agreed.

"Good," she nodded with a small sigh of relief. "But I think we should have rules for this too."

"This rule has sub-rules?" The heart melting glimmer in his eyes made it impossible for Meredith to even pretend to scowl at his quip.

"Rule one: We're talking, not fighting. Nothing said during these conversations is being said to hurt the other. We're just going for honesty here."

Derek just nodded in agreement and allowed her to continue.

"Rule two: Once we finish talking about something and both agree it's been put to rest, it has to stay that way. We can't keep opening old wounds and throwing things back in each other's faces."

"Agreed."

"Anything you'd like to add?"

Derek pondered for a moment before noticing that the coffee must have been done brewing a few minutes ago. He rose to pour their drinks before answering her question. "More like an add-on to rule one," he clarified. "I think that if we possibly do start to fight or get defensive, we take a breather. Step back for a bit to collect ourselves."

"That's a good plan," she grinned, accepting the steaming mug. She smiled as she sipped, noticing that he remembered exactly how much milk she liked in her coffee.

"Did you, uhmm….Did you want to start now?" Meredith had to keep herself from giggling. A fumbling, nervous Derek was something very rarely seen and very few were privy to. "It's not that late and you have tomorrow off, don't you?"

"I do," she answered simply, taking some perverse enjoyment out of watching him squirm.

Noticing she was a tad too gleeful at his expense, Derek amusedly rolled his eyes and carried on with a bit more confidence. "We could just stay here all day; work everything out. Then by Monday the air will be clear and we can move on. Forward."

"Towards our lifetime," Meredith quietly finished.

"Exactly."

If Meredith was having any doubts about their recent reconciliation, the look Derek was giving her now would have quickly put them to rest. The look of pure love that was shining through his eyes was enough to take her breath away. And it had been entirely too long since she had seen that perfect, blissful smile grace his lips. She decided then and there that she'd talk about their future all night if she could keep that smile on his face for as long as possible.

"So….Addison…"

Her own smile quickly disappeared at the mention of his ex-wife and was replaced with a mixture of confusion and a small amount of irritation.

Off her look, Derek rushed to clarify. "You mentioned her earlier. When you brought up the things we needed to talk about. I figured the beginning would be a good place to start."

"Ahh," she nodded.

"You haven't forgiven me for not telling you about her," Derek ventured after the two sat in silence for a moment.

Meredith bit her lip in apprehension, staring into the bottom of her coffee cup. "No, I don't think I ever did," she admitted quietly.

Derek nodded and sighed deeply, searching for the right thing to say. "I don't know what to do here. I know I was wrong, incredibly wrong, not to tell you about her."

"Why didn't you?" Meredith interrupted. She was finally looking at him, making Derek wish she was still looking at her mug. The pain behind her eyes made his chest ache and knowing he was the cause made him nauseous.

"I was going to. I promise, I was. But I kept putting it off more and more because the longer we were together, the more I started falling for you. I was terrified you'd leave me. It was easier to just pretend my marriage didn't exist. But then Addison started calling and sending me messages. I didn't answer any of them but I knew she was getting closer to tracking me down. The night she showed up, I had actually planned on telling you everything, I swear. She just beat me to it."

Meredith nodded but didn't say anything. He couldn't tell if she was just processing what he said or shutting him out.

"I know why you stayed with her," she finally spoke in a fragile voice, "or I understand your rationalization behind it. But I don't…I didn't feel like you ever really understood how much you hurt me. I was in love with you, Derek. And that wasn't something I had ever thought I would find. You know what my life has been like. But, I told you, I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and not only were you secretly married, you left me for her. It broke me, Derek. And you've never apologized for it."

"I…I…" That couldn't be right, he thought. He had to have apologized for being the colossal ass hole that he was for those very long six months.

"You didn't. You stood in my kitchen and told me you loved me and that you chose wrong, but you never said you were sorry. And we never talked about it again so I don't know why you were griping about not having that fight again when I asked you about Rose. There never was a fight about this. We fought after she showed up, I asked you to pick me, you didn't, and we never talked about it again after you got divorced."

Derek swallowed thickly, realizing she was completely right.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Derek wordlessly moved around to the other side of the table and immediately pulled her into his arms. He took a moment to just hold her tightly, breathing in the comforting scent of her hair.

"I am so sorry, Meredith," he murmured into her hair. "I know this is ridiculously belated, but I truly am. I was caught up in finally being able to tell you that I loved you. And in my head I guess telling you that I chose wrong was me apologizing for choosing Addison in the first place, but that obviously isn't how that came across and that's my fault."

"It's okay," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Is it?" He pulled back to look at her. "Is it really? You can ask me anything, we can talk about it more."

"Do you want to talk about it more?" Meredith lightly chuckled with a quirked eyebrow.

"I just…That didn't last as long as I had expected it to…"

"I just needed you to hear my side. I just wanted you to understand."

"I do. And Mer, I hate that I did that you. I'd apologize every day if you needed me to."

"Once was good," Meredith decided, leaning back into his chest.

Neither seemed to be in any hurry to move so they stayed seated in the small booth with Meredith perched in Derek's lap.

"Why did you say 'finally tell me that you loved me'? You made it seem like you told somebody else…Which wouldn't really make a lot of sense…" Meredith rambled, trailing off.

"I, uhmmm, I told Addison."

"What?!"

"It was Christmas time and I was missing you more than usual. I was…moping."

"I had noticed," Meredith interjected softly.

"So had Addison. She was bugging me about what was wrong all day. I finally told her Christmas makes you want to be with the people you loved. And that I wasn't saying it to hurt her, but being with you wasn't a fling or revenge. I had fallen in love with you. And that it didn't just go away because I decided to stay with her."

"Merry Christmas," she muttered sarcastically.

"What?" Derek asked defensively.

"I'm just saying, that's an awful thing to have to hear!"

"I can't win with you," he feigned frustration, before leaning in slowly to placing a gentle kiss on her lips. "Are we okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," Meredith replied, leaning in for a kiss of her own.

"Do you want to keep talking?" Derek managed to ask as their onslaught of kisses grew longer and longer.

"Not particularly."

"Do you want to move this to the bedroom?"

"God, yes," she half sighed, half moaned as he moved his lips along her jaw and down her neck.

Derek wasted no time in lifting her off his lap and towards the bed.


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