Liftoff 03

"Mind if I sit here?"

Kotaro jumped at the sound, shifting into a combat-ready stance as he did so, caught completely by surprise. His alarm was in no small part due to the fact that not so long ago the owner of that voice had been trying quite actively to kill him.

"Fate," he said staring down at the artificial construct which stood before him, casually leaning against the bench which Kotaro had been using for a bed. As if in response the doll gave a barely noticeable nod, a slightly more bemused than blank expression on his face.

Kotaro relaxed himself, although he still felt uneasy about the situation, he and Fate were far from what he would call friends and stalking him this late at night seemed more than a little suspicious.

"What do you want?" Kotaro asked in a low voice, trying to keep it as neutral as he could, whilst trying to figure out what Fate could want with him.

"Nice hole," Fate replied, nonchalantly, gesturing to the cavity Kotaro had left in the ground with his earlier tantrum as he took a seat, relaxing comfortably onto the bench. For some reason Kotaro had found Fate as an ally even more insufferable than as an enemy. Although he knew it was probably just his imagination Kotaro always felt like the construct was radiating smugness and insulting him in some or other clever manner. At least as an enemy he had been deadly serious now he seemed to spend most of his time practicing some bizarre kind of humour which involved baiting people into stupid decisions.

"Will your thinking take long?" Fate butted in, snapping Kotaro from his thoughts, and earning a glare. Fate met the glare with an expression of slight amusement.

"Answer my question already, I got things to do," Kotaro snapped back.

Fate took a moment to look away, and then stared at his fingers before finally deciding to look Kotaro in the face again. When he did Kotaro was surprised to find the look of dead seriousness which used to be his customary expression staring right back at him, or perhaps through him was a better way of putting it.

"I know,"

Those two words froze Kotaro to the ground. 'How? Did…did she tell him…why? Wait, Fate? That doesn't make sense what about Negi? Did Natsumi?' Painful thoughts engulfed his head and Kotaro felt his own hands quivering despite his attempts to keep them still.

"How?" was all that escaped past Kotaro's lips. Fate seemed to contemplate his next words carefully, even placing a finger before his mouth in a gesture of thoughtfulness, before continuing;

"If what you want to know, which I am assuming you do, is whether or not your friends told me then don't worry neither Chizuru or Natsumi spoke to me," Kotaro breathed an audible sigh of relief at that.

"Although considering what you did is it really alright for them not to tell someone?" The question stung and instantly made Kotaro remember his antagonism towards Fate. His eyes hardened and he spoke in a growl;

"How did you find out?" He clenched his fists to emphasise his question externally and to calm his own seething emotions internally. He could once more feel the tumultuous emotions reeling within him like a stormy sea. Unlike earlier that day, however, he was certain he knew what this feeling was; anger.

Fate's response was merely to shake his head in disappointment before he replied with a sly smirk;

"Are you going to fight me? How well do you think that would work?"

"We won't know till I try," Kotaro growled. Logically a part of him knew he was being stupid, that this was Fate, an opponent of Negi's level was so many tiers beyond his ability to keep up that even an attempt to do so couldn't really be called a fight. It would be a one-sided slaughter. A curb-stomp battle. He knew it and hated it and, like strong liquor, hate was energizing and intoxicating. Even if all he was looking for was an excuse to pound something he could at least pretend he was doing it for a higher purpose.

"Are you really going to let your ego ruin your life twice for you in one night? Haven't you learned anything tonight?" Fate spoke in a critical and clipped tone, each word like a little swat on the nose, as if he was disciplining a young child.

Oh how Kotaro hated him, how he wanted to knock that invisible smile off of his damn head, how he wished he could be the powerful one, he could be the hero, he could just reach over and break Fate in two with a blow he could have everyone's love and affection he could…he could…he could…he couldn't.

Fate watched as the half-breed visibly deflated. The tension in the air dissipated as the aura of bloodlust receded, not completely gone but hidden, and no longer directed at him. Fate waited a prudent amount, calculated by internal procedures to give Kotaro maximum time to calm down and mend his damaged ego, before taking the next step in the conversation.

"Please take a seat,"

Kotaro offered no objection and slumped into the bench alongside Fate his face staring at the floor and his shoulders slumped. He felt like he was lost again.

"I am aware of most of everything which goes on at this Academy. My discovery of your incident was due to my efforts and no assistance from your friends. In fact they have been spending this entire night searching for you so I would advise you to revise your opinions of them. Only one other being is aware of your incident and she does not care about anything which does not involve Negi-kun. In fact I find it doubtful that she even knows your name. I will not tell anyone which I assumed would be your next question. But you and I must discuss what happens next, not just for you, but for them as well. Some of what I say will be to you cutting in the extreme whilst the rest may actually seem something of a salve to you wounds. Most importantly I want you to keep in mind that I am only doing this because your actions may have effects on Negi-kun which may in turn endanger the plan to save the Magical World. I do this out of no affection or compassion for you," Fate paused, as if awaiting Kotaro to agree to a contract, tentatively hovering over the dotted line.

Kotaro simply nodded. There were no words to say.

Fate paused, turned his head to look upwards at the moon, and then began to speak again;

"You are jealous of Negi, this is obvious, and this jealousy has caused you to do something you now regret, yes?"

'Duh' Kotaro thought. Even with his intelligence, which he knew was nothing compared to Fate or Negi's, he knew that much. It was like a cliché drama plotline, two best friends growing up together, one always pulling ahead and the other slowly coming to accept that he should be happy with what he has rather than always being jealous of his friend. Right now Kotaro was finding it hard to understand how anyone ever accepted something like that. At least in movies and stories there was always the fictional element of the less fortunate individual usually having a unique skill or talent which they come to embrace. But for him, for Kotaro, what was there?

"You feel he is better than you at everything it is which you wish to be good at," Fate's matter-of-fact tone did actually soften the blow. Rather than a stinging slap at his pride it felt more like a lead weight on his shoulders, uncomfortable yes, but not painful.

"Yeah, so, anyone could have told you that," Kotaro said, rolling his head back and stretching out over the bench, trying to project an air of calm indifference whilst inside he felt a gnawing at his gut. Fate seemed to analyse this change in posture for a moment before moving his face so as to stare directly into Kotaro's eyes. Fate's eyes were far from dead doll eyes that much was clear, something inscrutable lay in them.

"True, but what no-one else has said is that this feeling, jealousy now, by itself does not necessarily constitute a problem,"

"Explain?" Kotaro countered; genuinely confused that Fate seemed to be offering him an olive branch of sorts.

"It is simply a matter of objective observation. You are a normal mortal being with a slightly above average pride and enormous self-confidence issues. Normally these are not a problem because your strength fills you with a sense of bravado. But now Negi is so far beyond you that you are beginning to feel that is hopeless to even try to catch up. This is galling for you because your particular view of life, for lack of a more encapsulating word, has always boiled down to the idea that if you try hard enough you'll win,"

Kotaro stared for a moment in stunned silence. He had known Fate was observant but this was…kind of disturbing in its depth.

"Jealousy in this situation is only natural, after all, you feel like you are no more use to him. The fact that he is now surrounded by so many strong allies; myself, Rakan, Godel, Evangeline and Takamichi makes you question your usefulness to anyone really. The fact that you are jealous can hardly be seen as a fault. In a nutshell your jealousy over his strength is not something you need feel ashamed of," Fate finished his sentence with a slight twist of his head.

Kotaro continued to be stunned. 'I've never heard him speak…so much and…so right' Kotaro only registered what Fate was saying to him slightly after he had finished saying it.

"But…what?" Kotaro mustered, trying to work through Fate's tirade one sentence at a time. 'So…it is okay to be jealous of Negi? That doesn't sound right, isn't jealousy a bad emotion?'

"Understand that jealousy to my mind is not inherently bad so much as it is an objective fact of mortal life. It is only natural for a fighter such as you to feel jealous when your friend upstages you beyond comparison," Fate supplied, as if reading Kotaro's thoughts.

Was it okay? Kotaro had always tried to supress his jealousy, although he knew he had failed several times, but recently, despite the enormous leap made by his friend he felt he had maintained his composure very well. In fact, now that he thought about it, he didn't really care that much about it. It hadn't even been going through his mind when he had…

"Of course that level of jealousy was bearable for you," Fate interjected. Kotaro looked at him and Fate took this as permission to speak again.

"No matter how jealous you were of Negi you had found something here, at Mahora, which made any burden in life bearable for you," Kotaro felt a sudden gloom over him as Fate spoke. He knew what he would say next.

"You know what I am going to say next; you found Chizuru Naba and Natsumi Murakami. You found what you most wanted, love and acceptance. A chance to cease being an outcast of two worlds and rather to be unconditionally accepted for who you are and to them it didn't matter if you were the strongest or fastest or whatever. No matter what you went through they always stood with you and supported you and cared for you. They were your friends. Perhaps even more." Fate finished his statement by looking at the night sky again. Kotaro brooded silently to the side.

He was right of course, infuriatingly, he was able to survive because of them. The only reason he stayed at Mahora was because of them. They were an anchor in an otherwise turbulent life. No matter how he looked at it the person who had taken him out of the cold and brought him into the warmth of the sun in more ways than one was…'Chizu-nee'.

Was it a debt? Was that why he felt so compelled to stay and help them? Did he feel he owed it to the girls for all they had done for him? No that was stupid. No matter how much he might try to deny it he knew it was useless. He loved them, as he had told Natsumi in Mundus Magicus; he loved the girls who had given him so much.

Fate politely ignored the sudden gagging sound Kotaro made to the side of him, allowing him to imagine he was fooled by his coughing routine. Kotaro could have pretended to be choking as much as he wanted to that night, Fate knew he was crying and honestly, though capable of understanding it, didn't really care.

"Who would you say are your friends Kotaro?"

Kotaro looked at fate suspiciously before answering;

"I don't know there's a lot of them like; Chizu-nee, Natsumi-neechan, Negi, Kaede-nee, that Yue girl and people like that, why?"

Fate shook his head as if Kotaro had made some sort of childish mistake before continuing;

"Let us use as a bar for the interaction known as friendship at least that same depth of emotional connection as Negi has with any of the following; Chachamaru, Yue, Nodoka, Asuna, Ku Fei, Shiori, Ayaka, Ako, Makie, Akira or pretty much any girl in his class, how many friends would you say you have then?'

Kotaro thought about it for a bit, unsure of where Fate was attempting to head with the conversation.

"Chizu-nee, Natsumi-neechan and Negi," he finally said, a bit disappointed with how miserably small a list it was.

"Those are the people who would be concerned, more than simply noticing, if you were to disappear or leave, any other friends you have are but associated with you by proxy of your association with Negi. Consider, how many conversations have you had with children outside of this circle which did not revolve around Negi, Negi's goal, helping Negi or how much they love Negi?"

"Including you?" Kotaro shot back in a rare moment, enjoying Fate bristle at the comment.

"The conclusion we reach is…"

"Yeah, yeah I get it so I don't have a lot of 'close friends' and I think me and Kaede talk a lot for your information," Kotaro interrupted, surprised by the fact that he was once more starting to feel blasé about the tongue lashing he was receiving. For some reason as Fate piled on the depressing information he felt somewhat…liberated.

Fate twitched a bit, a small look of irritation flashing across his face, before the normal deadpan expression took hold again.

"It is not about quantity of friends it is again about comparison. Negi-kun has a lot of friends, particularly girls, he seems to have the ability to make any female he talks to for more than a few moments fall mindlessly in love with him, but compared to him you have only two real friends. This is not a problem on its own because you were satisfied, happy, with only those two friends. You loved them. What I am trying to say is that it is your fear of losing them which caused you to snap and attempt to rape the person who probably loves you the most in the entire world; Chizuru"

Kotaro went quiet. His nonchalance had disintegrated and he stared at Fate with cold fury.

"How dare you-"

"Tell me I am wrong if you believe so. The truth is plain to me. You fear that the person you love, Chizuru, is abandoning you for Negi all because of something as simple as a Pactio. How ironic that the only person who misunderstood her intentions was the one she cared for most. I will not deny that Negi and Chizuru should have been more thoughtful about what they were doing; why they did not inform you beforehand escapes me since it seems simple and obvious that you would be interested, but that is a minor point-"

"It isn't a minor point to me. Why didn't Chizu-nee let me know she wanted a pactio? I could have made one with her and it would have worked out just as well. I mean her pactio doesn't even have anything to do with politics or meeting people like Ayaka's so why did it have to be with Negi? And why didn't anyone think that I would like to be involved?" Why?" Kotaro yelled out loud, disturbing the serenity of the night, breathing heavily in frustration, glaring at Fate even though he knew there was no reason to.

Fate watched Kotaro impassively as always.

"I cannot answer all questions, I can merely say what I know to be true and the simple truth which you have missed is that Chizuru Naba loves you more than she loves anyone else," it was so simple, so plain, it was underwhelming. Kotaro had hoped for something more not just a simple…simple…

He yelled incoherently, wringing his hands together in frustration as he looked skyward. High above him the moon and the stars shared the night sky. Unlike the sun which glowed so brightly and proudly on its own the moon and stars even in tandem couldn't match its splendour. He suddenly felt lonely without the sun.

"That can't be, that just can't be," Kotaro repeated to himself, holding his head in his hands.

"Why not?"

"Because…because…"

"Why not Kotaro?"

"Because then what have I done? If I could blame her for betraying me, if I could believe that she had chosen Negi over me then I could hate her and blame everything on her and him. But if I…if I believe what you say then…then…nothing makes sense and-"

"Pathetic," Fate scoffed, standing up from the bench, one hand inside his pocket. A look of contemplated contempt crossed his face as he examined the conflicted half-breed. Normally Kotaro would have been furious at this sort of arrogance, he hated being looked down on, but what Fate thought of him seemed inconsequential right now. Fate had been right when he said Kotaro loved Chizuru and that love was now consuming him with everything it had. Guilt which he had refused to allow passage through his barriers of hate was now flooding out of everywhere. The feeling to wretch came strong in his throat as he remembered how gratifying it had been to see her squeal like an animal while he penetrated her again and again.

He had laughed and called her a slut, he had bathed in her debasement, he had relished each moment of her screaming so hard it hurt her. He had ignored her tears as the tears of a harlot and he had spanked her ass as if she was some cheap whore. He couldn't care less what some toy with an obsession with Negi, as so many did, thought of him. His whole world was consumed by what the person who had cared for him the most thought of him.

After some time of waiting a sense of normalcy returned. Kotaro drew himself up to his full height and looked towards the horizon. Opposite him Fate mirrored his position and waited.

"Why did I do it?" The question was most likely rhetorical but Fate felt the need to verbalize the answer;

"Because you felt like Negi, the person who always exceeded you at everything you loved about yourself with casual ease had successfully taken from you the one thing you felt was yours and not his: Chizuru's affection. For you it felt like the greatest betrayal and it hurt even more because you could not understand why she would agree to it so casually. You felt like you had lost your mother, family, friend, lover and the thing that gave your world stability to Negi in one moment. Remember I asked you about friends? That was because I wanted to demonstrate to you how small your world really is. Chizuru and Natsumi are your only deep connection to this place and now, to you, it feels like the most important of those two has chosen to make you second in her heart and like all humans this saddens you. But this does not justify what you did it merely explains it,"

Kotaro smiled sadly. He was right. He looked at the moon again.

'Chizu-nee what would your life have been like if I never blundered in on it? Would you maybe of fallen in love with Negi like so many others? Come to think of it what have I ever really added? Sure there were probably one or two times I helped but in any of those cases wasn't there always someone standing by stronger than me if necessary? Besides if push came to shove doesn't Negi always win? Doesn't he always make the right choice? Isn't he the hero? Well if he's the hero what am I? A sidekick? Too bad for me he's got a whole harem of girls competing for that position. Not to mention all his dad's old friends to. What do I add to this rescue of the Magical World project? At least Chizu-nee is useful to him. I know I shouldn't let this all bother me but for some reason it sits in my stomach like a hot coal. I just wish…wish'

"How do I deal with it?"

"Resign yourself to it," Fate said.

"What has occurred has occurred, it cannot be changed, rather than wondering how the world could have been resign yourself to the fact that the world is this way. You are where you are and can only go forward," Fate was firm in this regard.

Kotaro closed his eyes. Behind them hidden from the world scenes played out; bathing with Chizuru, hugging her, feeling her hands on his hair gently stroking him, defending him, kissing him, supporting him, always there for him and always smiling at him. Natsumi too was in the visions, often flustered and nervous, but so much braver than she gave herself credit for. If she was a side-character then he was one of those characters in the background he felt, at least she spoke her mind, at least she accepted her weaknesses, and at least she wasn't him.

With every memory of happy times the lead weight on his shoulders grew and grew and grew. Kotaro fed it more and more feeling; nostalgia, love, sweetness, bitterness, joy, anxiety, despair and everything else that he was went into that weight. For a moment Kotaro bore all that was Kotaro on his shoulders and then, with a deep breath he opened his eyes and shrugged it all off. His eyes were met by the beautiful glow of the round moon.

All of a sudden Kotaro remembered why he had loved the moon so much and, as a sign of respect, he gave it a howl. 'It's over, what is done is done, there is no more place for me here'

"So Fate I assume you have a plan, I mean you came here to convince me I should leave the Academy right?" This time there was nothing fake about the nonchalance in Kotaro's voice and he stared at Fate with cocky eyes, one hand resting on his hip, more Kotaro than he had been for a while. Fate returned a small knowing smile of his own.

"The only obstacles to your leaving are Chizuru, Natsumi and Negi, it is unlikely anyone else will notice beyond a cursory observation of the fact that you are missing," the words should have stung, Kotaro knew, but he didn't care anymore. He had accepted that he had already ruined things for himself here and now, as he had in the past, he had to disentangle himself from the web of commitments. How ironic that he was doing it once more with Fate.

"So what happens, can't I just go, I mean it's my choice?" Kotaro asked brazenly.

"No Negi won't allow something like that he would pursue you and attempt to convince you to stay with one of his friendship converting speeches," Fate replied and Kotaro merely nodded in agreement. After all both of them had been on the receiving end of that kind of speech before.

"So tell him I went on vacation to train so that I can stand a chance of nicking him next time we fight, it's an outright lie, but he might buy it,"

"That may work on Negi but Chizuru and Natsumi will still be upset and this will cause Negi to seek to find you for his student's sake and land us in the same mess."

"And I can't talk to Chizuru and Natsumi," Kotaro curtly said.

"Exactly, so I must convince them that it is your choice to leave. I believe I can do that but I will then require from you one thing,"

"What?"

"This," As Fate spoke he passed a small notebook to Kotaro. Kotaro took the thing delicately from Fate, scared that he might break it, and inspected it.

"A notebook?"

"A magical one, I own a sister copy. Anything you write in it I can see. If you send regular messages back, proof that you are alive, I might be able to allay any concerns or worries," Fate said.

"Geesh so much trouble just to run away, normally I'd just slip out at night and be gone,"

"Normally you wouldn't be escaping from the arguably strongest being on the planet,"

Silence reigned between the two again briefly as Kotaro pocketed the notebook.

"Will you say goodbye?" Fate asked.

"Nah, they don't need that, I'll just worry them. I'd say make sure they stay alright but I know Negi will anyway. He really cares about those students of his. So you just make sure he finishes his job kay?" Kotaro smirked, pointing a finger comically at Fate, as if there was anything to worry about.

"Take these as well," Fate said, passing Kotaro an airplane ticket.

"Airplane? I could just run you know,"

"No, you must get far away quickly so that Negi is not tempted to find you. This flight will take you to a foreign country. From there you can do what you will so long as you periodically leave me messages as proof you are alive,"

"You know Fate you aren't utterly unlikeable,"

"And I actually do have a degree of pity for your situation dog-boy"

As quickly as the two had come together they separated. One returned to the dormitory where he had left two beleaguered girls in each other's company and the other to an airport and, far more importantly, away from Mahora.

The moon shone on with the stars in tandem. Kotaro had always been more of a moon child, with other people like stars shining brightly beside him. He could never compare to the sun that was Negi, which blotted out the world with its radiance.


Mephiles: The story only really starts now. I intend to develop it according to how the actual manga progresses. The important difference will be what effect a missing Kotaro has on the plotline from here on out. Anyway I'm a bit annoyed that Negi got another power up, he's immortal now apparently, whilst the rest of the cast stagnates. Personally I don't need Kotaro to become as strong as him, I actually don't want him to, but I would like for the story to focus on Kotaro's despair over the matter. Currently Kotaro seems to just accept anything Negi does and that cheapens his character in my opinion. I hope Kotaro and Chizuru make a pactio with each other soon, I see no reason why they can't since Chizuru did offer one, and additionally was very happy to see that in Chapter 344's raws and translation Chizuru doesn't bother to raise her pactio card when asked to and also doesn't even get counted along with the others. Anyway I hope that there will be an arc focussing a bit on Kotaro soon. I also think that Kotaro should get a bit more of a harem feel himself, maybe have the girls who like him get comically worked up the way Negi's always do, and then have him make pactios with them. I mean even Fate had 5 so I think Kotaro should have some to, not to mention if a pactio's strength is somewhat determined by the feelings of the participants then Kotaro and Chizuru would produce another super-artifact like Natsumi's one. In the meantime I was wondering how many ChizuruxKotaro fans are out there? Personally I like both ChizuruxKotaro and NatsumixKotaro and, since Negima is a harem story and Negi and Fate have so many girls, see no reason not to ship both equally. Kotaro, Chizuru and Natsumi are my favourite Characters though.

I also was recently reminded of an interesting fact. In his imagine spot at the governor ball Kotaro pictures Chizuru with two leeks. Foreshadowing.