Konata replayed the song. The girls shook their hands. They stepped left. They stepped right. Then they all waddled to the left and Tomoko tripped over the aux cable.
"Bwah!" she yelped.
"Are you okay!?" asked Madoka.
"Y-Yeah," said Tomoko. "I guess I'm not used to doing this under the influence."
"Why didn't you just connect it with Bluetooth?" said Haruhi.
Konata rubbed her head. "I guess I'm not used to doing this under the influence either."
"Could've fooled me," thought Kyon. "With eyes like that, I figured Izumi was perma-stoned."
"You're all hopeless," said Haruhi. "Just forget about it. Why don't we all go look for an Incubator instead?"
"That's the worst idea I've ever heard," said Homura.
"What did you say!?" said Haruhi.
"I think what Homura meant to say was that it's already late," said Kyon. "Plus, we're stoned. Even if we weren't, we'd have no idea where to start. Why don't we figure it out tomorrow?"
"Or you could figure it out right now," said Haruhi.
"How about we figure it out never?" said Homura.
"Are you trying to get kicked out?" said Haruhi.
"Umm, guys, let's not fight," said Madoka.
"Yeah," said Konata. "Let's just smoke another bag, Master Haruhi. It'll help us think of ways to find an Incubator."
"Hmm, alright," said Haruhi.
Homura froze time. She tapped everyone but Haruhi, unfreezing them.
"I stopped time for her," said Homura.
"She looks just like my figurine now!" thought Tomoko.
"Listen," said Homura. "We are not looking for an Incubator. I don't want any more girls fighting demons for the rest of their lives. Especially not on television."
"I'm afraid we don't have any choice," said Kyon. "Either we find an Incubator, or Haruhi will just poof one into existence."
"What?" said Homura.
"It's true!" said Konata. "Master Haruhi has the power to make her wildest dreams come true! She never knows how or when it'll happen, but when she wants something, she always gets it!"
"She can even force people to be her friends," thought Tomoko. "Maybe if this whole college thing doesn't work out, I'll just become a psychopath."
"That's all just TV magic," said Homura. "Haruhi doesn't actually make things come true. Only Incubators can grant wishes."
"Look, I don't know how stuff changes," said Kyon. "I don't know if it's TV magic, or if it's because of Incubators, or if it's because Haruhi is an Incubator. All I know is that what Haruhi wants, Haruhi gets. Unless…"
"Unless?" said Homura.
"Unless, somehow we satisfy her curiosity, and make her forget all about this nonsense," said Kyon.
"I've got it!" said Konata. "Why don't we cosplay as a fake Incubator? One that's so scary, it'll send her running!"
"Somehow I can't picture Haruhi being scared," said Kyon.
"So we'll just get her extra stoned!" said Madoka. "It's a great idea! We don't even need to cosplay, I can make the fake Incubator with my magic!"
"Hmm… that might work," said Homura. "Okay, I'm unfreezing time."
Tomoko filled up a bag and passed it to Haruhi. She took a hit. Tomoko took one right after.
"Ah! I love second-hand kisses from Haruhi!" she thought.
"Hmm… okay," said Haruhi. "Where can we find an Incubator? You said they looked for vulnerable young girls, right, Homura?"
"That's right," she said.
"Okay, then we just need to go somewhere where we're vulnerable, and we're bound to find one!" said Haruhi.
"Like on a train late at night?" thought Tomoko.
"Now she's trying to put us in danger on purpose," thought Kyon.
"Let's go Aokigahara, the Suicide Forest!" said Konata. "That place is crawling with demons! Or maybe just perverts. Either way, we'll be vulnerable there for sure!"
"That sounds great!" said Haruhi. "I'm promoting you to Lieutenant."
Tears rolled down Konata's cheeks. "I'm honored, Captain!"
"Konata, you bitch," thought Tomoko.
"Huh? We're getting ranks?" thought Kyon. "I guess with how Haruhi slaves me around, that would make me a Private."
"I wonder if she's always this way, or if it's just because she's stoned," thought Madoka.
"Good meeting, everyone!" said Haruhi. "You can all leave now. Except for you, Kyon. Obviously."
Kyon sighed and unzipped his pants. "Finally."
"I'm leaving now, bye!" Madoka grabbed her pillow and ran out the door.
"Now I want to stay," thought Tomoko.
"Isn't she forgetting something? Or someone?" Konata smiled.
"Apparently not," said Homura, packing up her Volcano.
The three of them left and walked towards the train station.
"So, Homura, I couldn't help but notice that you have a girl problem," said Konata.
Homura was silent. "… Yeah, I guess do."
"And I was thinking, this trip to the Suicide Forest would be a perfect chance to fix that," said Konata.
"Really? How?" asked Homura.
"Isn't it obvious?" said Konata. "When people go to scary movies, it's because they want the other person to get scared and grab them! Their heart beats faster and faster, ba-dum ba-dum! Ba-dum ba-dum! It's totally romantic. It's the same thing with going to scary places. When Haruhi has us go look for the Incubator, let's split off into pairs. You go with Mokocchi, and I'll go with Madoka. I'll tell Madoka how cute you two look, and she'll get jealous! That'll force her to be upfront about you. What do you think?"
"Sounds like a good idea," said Homura. "A pretend date is probably good practice for the real ones I'll have to go on later."
"Pretend date?" thought Tomoko. "With Homura!?"
"And dress extra moe," said Konata. "So she'll really want to protect you."
"Moe?" asked Homura.
"You know, like extra cute and stuff!" said Konata.
"Oh. I know what I'll do," said Homura.
Once they got on the train and Homura got off at her stop, Tomoko freaked out.
"Konata! What have you done? I can't go on a pretend date with Homura!" said Tomoko. "I don't even know if I can talk to her when I'm sober! What if the pretend date becomes a real date? What if the real date becomes a kiss? What if the kiss leads into…"
A curl popped out on Tomoko's head.
"Relax, relax," said Konata. "This is good practice for you. Because it's just pretend, you don't have to worry about messing anything up. If worst comes to worst, I'll probably bring a blunt or two."
The train came to Konata's stop.
"Oh, and try not to think too many dirty thoughts, or else that cowlick will become permanent!" Konata smiled and wagged her finger.
The train door closed.
"Is that what happened to her?" thought Tomoko.
Woah, it's almost been a whopping six months since the last update! Sorry about the delay everyone, life got in the way. Between being pre-med, my parents busting me for smoking several times, and my friends leaving me, I've had to put a lot of stuff on the backburner. But we've reached the halfway mark for this story now, and I plan to wrap it up soon! This is only half of Chapter Pink. I'll be writing the other half tomorrow. I figured I'd just let you all know that I am still alive. Since it's been so long, make sure to let me know if I've forgotten anything, or if you've noticed any other weirdness in the story!
