A pained sigh left Yoongi's mouth when he pushed himself up from the cushions. He inhaled some of the dust that had traveled there over time and sneezed when too much of it got into his lungs. His back hurt and the pain that tugged at his muscles made it clear that he had been in a terrible position to sleep in. He could feel some of the sun breaking through the window and onto his skin, however, all he felt was cold and empty. He remembered the events of the last night, the words he had said and cringed at his own behavior.
He was such an idiot sometimes.
He stood up with a groan, ignoring his body's protests and went to the other room he had shared with Jimin. He attached his prothesis back into place slowly, soft noises of discomfort leaving him and he gathered some of the maps from his backpack. The smell of old paper filled his nose as he unwrapped them, the lines coming into his sight. Most of them were already ripped or had stains on them but they were still usable. The streets and borders looked like a web, connecting all the places with each other but the grumpy man knew it was all a lie now, since there weren't any living beings there that could be connected to each other.
He checked the distance from Gwanyang to Seoul and it was about 220 miles if he read the map correctly. By car it would take them about five hours, the 26-year-old guessed but he wasn't sure how he would get a car or if the streets were even empty enough for them to drive on them. He also had to take into account that there were probably hundreds of hungry creatures waiting for them outside, they were still in a once very populated area, and the older man frowned when he thought about all the dead bodies he would see on the way. He wondered if Jimin was ready to come with him. He sighed heavily, his back hunching and head hanging low. He was such an ass. He had to apologize at some point.
Through the many times he had woken up that night, he had a debate with himself.
Apologize or don't. He had decided that, yes, he could do whatever he wanted and yes, he wasn't obligated to take Jimin with him, however, they were friends now to some extend and it had definitely been a shit move on his side. Then again, he wasn't good at interacting with other humans and anxiety made his heart beat faster. He wondered if the younger man would even accept his apology. He wouldn't know what to do if he didn't.
With a heavy heart, he stood up again, fixing his clothes, determined to find the other man in the building.
At first Yoongi had thought the boy had left or something, he hadn't found him anywhere and panic made itself known in his brain, illustrating all kinds of scenarios of what might have happened to the otherwise cheerful boy. Images of a dead body filled his head, limbs cut off or even worse, another one of those creatures but with Jimin's façade. But then he saw the other sitting at a window in one of the last rooms of the building on the second floor and he released the breath he didn't know he was holding.
His hair reflected a lighter brown color and his back was straight as he watched the clouds outside the building. He stepped a bit closer, quietly and timidly. Don't back out now, Yoongi told himself firmly and got closer to the other boy, who didn't turn around, despite probably having heard the older man enter. "What do you want, Yoongi?" he had asked, voice flat and annoyed, still not looking at him.
He wasn't used to this tone of Jimin's voice. It was a lot deeper than usual and it was cold, things that didn't suit the other boy at all. It terrified him, in a way. The white-haired man decided that he never wanted the younger man's voice to sound like that again, so he gathered all the courage he had in himself and apologized to him.
"Look, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. I was an absolute ass and I know I can be harsh when I'm tired and I know it's dumb of me to expect you to forgive me but yeah." He rambled on. He hoped his message would come across. He wanted to be sincere.
It surprised the pessimistic man how much he wanted this to work out.
"Fuck, I'm not good at this kinda stuff but I hope you understand what I'm trying to do here." He tried again, coming a bit closer to the black-haired boy, who had turned his head slightly towards him.
For a while there was just silence in the room, and he wondered if he had fucked up for real this time.
"You know I'm not that weak, right?" He heard his friends say, his voice loud and firm. "I know I cried a lot and it was hard for me to defend myself, but isn't that natural? I mean there were dead people everywhere, for fuck's sake. They had been someone's family once before all this shit started. Everyone is dead and I don't remember any of it, I told you and you still think you're better than me? What, because you endured this longer than me, apparently?" Yoongi hated how swears sounded in the boy's mouth, the words foreign and just so inappropriate for an innocent person like Jimin. The older boy didn't comment, however, and listened.
"Do you think this is some kind of competition of who suffered more and who's stronger? Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe you're not alone in this anymore and that you actually have to take responsibility for the shit you say to other people? Just because I'm only someone you have met a short while ago, doesn't mean that you have to be so damn rude." Yoongi hung his head as Jimin's voice grew louder and louder, his body turning towards him fully now, his arms making angry gestures.
"You know what's pathetic, Yoongi? The fact that you think you can treat people like that and get away with it."
He felt a sharp pang in his chest, the air knocked out of him all of a sudden. This wasn't going well for him.
But he didn't have the answers to those questions and it didn't matter because it still hurt and Yoongi wanted to find a way to make it better.
"I'm sorry." Was all he could say in return, other words would have been unnecessary, he knew.
"I'm tired of being laughed at, please don't fool me."
Jimin didn't seem to let it go after that and just stormed out of the room, fists clenched. The white-haired man was left there, head hanging low again and he looked down at his hands. He felt sudden anger rise in him, not towards the 22-year-old or anything else, but towards himself. He knew Jimin's words had a deeper meaning, something Yoongi wasn't in a position to hear yet, but he knew he had fucked up. A lot. He didn't know what else to do, besides apologize to him many more times.
Why couldn't he get his emotions under control? Why did they always have to ruin everything he had?
He crouched down and hit the concrete floor with his arm, scratches appearing on the knuckles of his prothesis. It pissed him off even more. It just reminded him of all the flaws he had. He counted every scratch or dent he found in the stupid thing, reminders of what his actions had looked like in the past, all the fighting and anger.
He reminded himself that it was probably for the best to leave Jimin alone for some more time before they traveled further. Yoongi admit to himself that, maybe, he did want the younger boy to come with him and that he didn't have to go alone again.
He knew his head would be filled with thoughts of Jimin, of him getting eaten or attacked, of him turning into one of them with white hair and scary eyes, all the softness gone that had existed in them before. He didn't want that, no, he needed him to come with him. All he could hope now was that the younger would think about his intentions and his apology.
Yoongi stared out of the window. The sky was clear again, had been all week almost and he hated how the weather didn't reflect his mood at all. Usually he was good at being by himself but he felt oddly anxious and lonely in this situation, not quite sure what to do with himself. He did things when he was alone, he sharpened his knife, wrote, drew pictures, repaired things and he of course slept a lot. But all of these things seemed useless and unnecessary to him now, the reason why he did them forgotten.
He moved back a few rooms where he found his belongings and took out the last bottle of liquor he had taken (stolen) from the supermarket and opened the bottle with a snapping sound.
He had gotten used to this sound, hearing it every week and for some time he had heard it every day, the rest of it a blur of memories and hangovers. He knew it was a problem but it was the only thing that made him feel better, made him forget about the suffering he had to endure. And who would take this pleasure from him? Definitely not Yoongi himself. He was too weak for that, he knew. The sun threw soft shadows on the ground, his silhouette getting caught on the concrete floor. It didn't look the same anymore. He didn't know what kind of alcohol it was until he took a sip. Ah, it was good old Korean soju. He had despised the taste before but now it was a familiar scent and favor that reminded him of the times his friends had forced him to drink it on weekends.
The older man sighed heavily and took another swing, some of the liquid traveling down the corner of his mouth, hitting his shirt and forming a dark spot.
.
.
.
"Fuck this. I'm leaving soon." He told himself, voice starting to slur a bit. He didn't remember how many sips he had had. Maybe it was more than he had anticipated because he didn't feel like standing up again. How many hours had it been since he had talked to Jimin? Surely it must have been enough time for the younger man to forgive him, right?
Yoongi hoped so.
He wondered what the other man was doing right now. Maybe he was taking a bath, maybe he was eating or maybe he was just staring at a wall, like Yoongi did right now. However, the other boy wasn't drunk, he was sure and he laughed to himself. That kid was too innocent for his own good.
Suddenly all the thoughts from the week before came rushing back to him. The things he had told himself when he was on the roof, his body close to death. He didn't know what triggered it, maybe it was the memory of Jimin, his personality so different from his own, so different from the thoughts he was having now. Or maybe it was just the uncomfortable, dirty feeling of having alcohol in his system.
Yoongi thought a bit more about his situation and assured himself that even if Jimin didn't forgive him, he had to move on. It may hurt. Okay, maybe it would hurt a lot. He had do leave anyway, Otherwise he would just be stuck in this dumb place for god knows how long and that really wasn't the point of him staying here. He had somewhere to be, after all.
He sighed again. He couldn't keep doing this. The 22-year-old and him had only known each other for like two weeks and this was already messing up his life so much.
A few hours passed again and Yoongi had stayed in that room for just as long. He had finished the bottle of alcohol by now, its remains lying around on the floor somewhere forgotten and he had moved over to one corner of the room, his head leaning on the floor, tired eyes staring out the window and into the cloudless sky. Over the last few minutes he had debated with himself wether the sky was always that blue or if it had different colors at all and if colors were even real since not everyone could see them. These were normal thoughts for him, at least when he was drunk.
Yoongi wondered how his friends were, hoped they had a good time, having fun, surviving, falling in love, finding a new reason to live. He hoped that they were off better than him, not stuck with an idiot who didn't want to forgive him for his stupid mouth.
The grumpy man shifted his legs a bit, hugging his knees to his chest. "Why am I like this?" Yoongi asked himself and felt hot liquid burn in his eyes. He wouldn't cry. He hadn't cried in years. Not when he was hurt, not when he had been attacked, not when he had lost everything.
Nevertheless, the liquid seemed to leak out and onto his shirt and pants, resistance forgotten as he sobbed quietly. He was so tired and disappointed in himself.
He didn't know what he could do to cheer himself up so instead he thought of things he could call Jimin and he came up with quite a few things.
Idiot, Crybaby and Doctor Fluffy Hair were only a few things he came up with, his brain working slow with all the alcohol in his body but Yoongi took a liking to this tiny game and continued. "Mochi." He chuckled to himself. The comparison really was accurate. Jimin's cheeks did look a bit like sakura mochi and the older didn't seem to be too embarrassed to admit it to himself.
He continued.
"Bubblegum, Snickers, Honey Butt." The older man started laughing. "What the fuck." He giggled to himself and threw himself to the side. No, these didn't really suit the other man. Well, maybe one of them did.
He just looks like a puppy, Yoongi finally thought, the image too perfect in his head. Then he stopped thinking about it and decided that, yes, maybe this was a little weird and he had just been crying so why in the fuck was he thinking all this cutesy bullshit about his friend? And why was he making all these weird pet names for someone he had just known for like two week and that guy was mad at him and probably thought this was fucking creepy.
Once again, he blamed the alcohol and remained in silence with himself.
.
.
.
The next day he decided it was time to go. It was 5 pm.
He hadn't heard anything from the other man, not seeing him once the whole three days they had barely talked and he figured he wouldn't want to come with him, anyway. So now he packed his things, grabbing some food he found lying around the school cafeteria, killing a few zombies on the way, which was easier than expected since they seemed to have been starving for a while, their bodies looking way thinner than usual.
He would need a car, he reminded himself. It was quite difficult for him to find oene in this area, most of the batteries or fuel of cars wouldn't be able to be used anymore and Yoongi had to find a vehicle that was safe from environmental damage and at best somewhat useable. He found one in a garage near the school building, he had climbed over various walls and fences. He opened up the hood of the car, taking out all the equipment he had. He would have to find some other kind of vehicle soon, a tractor maybe, because this car wouldn't last long.
When the older man finally managed to start the car, he sat in it alone, driving towards the front of the school, risking one last glance towards it.
He really was stressed right now, should he leave or not? He had announced earlier that he would leave and he didn't get an answer so what was he gonna do now? Yoongi swore and held his head in his hance, the beating of his heart getting faster now, the feeling of anxiety nothing new to him.
His train of thought didn't get very far, though, when he spotted a small man with black hair sprint towards his car. He turned around to look at the street in front of him, hands on the stirring wheel. He felt his mouth open slightly when he heard the door of the passengers' seat open.
Neither of them said anything and Yoongi didn't need to look at the other right now. So, he just started the car and drove through the city to the next highway he could find to hopefully find his way to Seoul.
It wasn't easy to get through some of the tight passages on the streets of Gwangyan. There was a lot of rubble and other cars scattered all over the floor, making it hard for them to move forward faster. They had to take turns ever other time and it was difficult to see some of the creatures that were coming near their car, their bodies suddenly appearing with every corner Yoongi drove past. It seemed to shock the man next to him but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sure if Jimin was still mad at him and he didn't want to risk starting another argument.
About an hour later, when they were finally on a calmer, more clean part of the highway, Jimin said something for the first time that day.
"Are we there yet?"
Yoongi didn't know if he should answer or not.
"Get out."
The younger boy's head whipped around so fast Yoongi thought he might have hurt himself.
"We are going 85 miles an hour down the highway in the middle of nowhere, hyung."
"Did I stutter?" he had replied, voice flat.
That was when both of them burst out laughing, their whole body shaking with the intensity of it and He was grateful that there was no one else on the highway with him because would have definitely caused a big traffic jam at this point. It felt good, so good. Jimin's laugh was light and goofy, something the 26-year-old didn't expect to hear at all after their last conversation. It took a big burden off his chest.
"Sorry." Yoongi mumbled and Jimin answered "It's alright." And he didn't know if the black-haired boy just meant his laughter, or everything else but It made him feel more content.
After that things seemed to be okay and Yoongi was so grateful for it he thought he might cry again. Once again, he was puzzled as to why he was so affected by this, when he was reminded that, yes, this might have been what friendship felt like. "I'm not good with feelings, Jimin." He had explained randomly, voice thick with embarrassment maybe or shame, he didn't know but Jimin just smiled in return, not saying anything and maybe that meant that it was okay.
They spent the last two hours talking as usual again, falling into their old patterns fairly quickly, making jokes about everything basically, telling each other stories of their childhood and school days. It was everything he had ever wished for.
He constantly reminded himself that this was fine, they were fine. He had apologized and Jimin had forgiven him so he mumbled "Bring happy is not a sin." in his head for the next few hours, the anxiety making him think other ways. Jimin made him forget most of his thoughts, though and asked him more questions.
"Hyung?"
"Hmm?"
"You lied to me about being bulletproof, right?"
Yoongi smirked a little. He knew this would come up eventually.
"Yeah, about that…"
He started to laugh and the younger man looked at him in fake shock.
"Oh my god. I can't believe you lied to me, an innocent child who just needed some help. And you even threatened me with your knife!" he heard Jimin's sweet voice call loudly.
All he could do was chuckle in amusement. "You should have seen your face." But when he remembered how this conversation had gone in the past, he quickly changed the topic. "Uh, sorry. But, uhm, yeah, I'm not bulletproof, unfortunately. I get hurt just like any other human does." He explained, eyes back on the road.
After a few minutes of silence Jimin spoke again, his voice soft and careful: "What did it feel like when the zombie bit you?"
It was a question Yoongi had anticipated to hear, the words hanging around in the air heavily now. "It burned a lot, like, ugh I don't fucking know how to describe it. It's like getting burned? But at the same time, I was freaking out because I could see the venom or virus or whatever flooding up my arm. It was weird." He explained, trying to put the sensation into words. Jimin looked at him with big eyes, his hands on his thighs. "When I stopped the process I just felt… empty. Like I was just a shell."
The younger seemed to listen well, his head only nodding slightly when he finished talking. His voice felt oddly foreign and stiff in his throat when he spoke again, his voice barely about the whisper and it was hard to hear over the sound of the moving car. "I sometimes miss the old me, you know? Not with all this fucked up exterior and memory. I often ask myself why I can't be like other people."
Yoongi didn't know what kind of answer he expected from his friend, if he even expected to get an answer at all but it was certainly not this. "I don't know the old you but I think I like this one more." The older man frowned at this. That didn't make any sense. "That literally doesn't make any sense, Jimin." The other seemed to be a bit flustered as he started to defend himself. "I-I mean. You're cool the way you are, I guess? I like spending time with you. You don't have to change back."
The 26-year old swore that he saw a slight blush on the other's cheeks but it might have just been the light falling on him, so he just let it go. He couldn't stop the giddy feeling from entering his body though, happy to be someone Jimin could spend time with. It wasn't often that people understood Yoongi with the way he was. His friend was special, he could tell.
"Just, just promise me you won't give up on me?" Yoongi spoke, not knowing where the words came from, didn't know why he formed them in his mouth. Why was he saying this? He shouldn't force the other to promise him this sappy stuff, what the hell.
But the words were out already and he could feel the awkward silence eating its way through his skin, making the hairs on his neck stand up.
"Like I would ever give up on you, hyung. But yes, I promise." The other agreed happily. "Hyung?"
"Y-yes?" Fuck, why did his voice crack just now?
"Promise me you won't leave me behind?"
Yoongi took a deep breath in.
"Okay." He breathed out. "Okay, yeah, let's do that."
Jimin chuckled, the sound light and airy, not heavy and nervous like Yoongi's voice.
"Say I promise! Say it!" the black-haired man insisted, bouncing in his seat. Yoongi laughed a little. This guy.
"Alright, I promise. Happy?" Yoongi took a look at him for a second, watching as the younger man's eyes turned up, making him look like a happy puppy. "Very." He answered and quickly turned around to look out the window on the passenger's side.
.
.
.
It was starting to get dark outside. They had been on the road for more than six hours now, the destroyed roads making it hard for them to go further and Yoongi knew they still had a long way to go when he looked at the maps which were now slayed out all over his lap. During that time Jimin had fallen asleep on the other side, quiet snores the only sound in the car right then.
The older man took a look at the car, most of the lights blinking rapidly. They couldn't use this car anymore, it had broken down. And of course, Yoongi had anticipated this but he had hoped to drive a bit further with it or maybe even get all the way towards the outer parts of Seoul. Nevertheless, he still wanted to try to get the car going again so he went outside, armed, and took a look under the hood and into the trunk but nothing was there for him to fix or discover. All he found was their backpacks, some food, a few blankets, a spare tire and old junk that he should have thrown out when he first started the car.
Yoongi tried to move the car, exchanging the battery a few times before giving up. They didn't have anything to fill the tank up as well, so there wasn't really anything he could do about it right now and he was sure there wasn't a gas station near them.
They were officially fucked.
The good thing (was it a good thing?) was that they were in a relatively calm area right now, nothing but earth and a few trees around them, no flesh-eating creatures around. Or at least he hoped so. They would have to spend the night here, since moving around at night without a flashlight that was working, he forgot to bring batteries, was dangerous as hell. He opened up the back of the car and adjusted the backseat a bit, pushing it down and extending the space that was there for his friend to sleep on. Yoongi cursed, puffing out a breath in the now cold air and went back into the car.
"Jimin, wake up." He shook the younger man a bit, his hand placed on his shoulder. He really didn't want to disturb his companion but if he slept like this he would be sore the next day, which really wasn't good since they had to walk quite a bit.
"Huh? What?" the black-haired boy mumbled, looking around in confusion. Cute. Yoongi smiled a bit. "You should move to the back, its more comfortable that way. The car is done for, we have to walk tomorrow."
Realization seemed to dawn on Jimin's features, his hands pushing him up in his seat a bit. "But hyung where will you sleep?"
Yoongi turned around in his seat, eyes on his friend now. "Hm? I'm just gonna sleep here. I've slept in worse positions, believe me." And he had. He remembered the times he had slept on ships, trees and rooftops, none of them as comfortable as a cushioned car seat. "I'm fine, really, just get back there." Yoongi moved his hands to signal for the other to move to the back side but he shook his head. "No, hyung there's enough space for the both of us. Your back is gonna hurt tomorrow." The younger drawled out, guilt seeping into his tone.
"What? No, I'm good here, I promise." Yoongi laughed, already moving to get more comfortable.
"Don't be ridiculous, we can both sleep there, come on."
Jimin climbed over the side of his seat to get to the back and pulled out some of the blankets they had kept there, using his backpack as a pillow again. Yoongi shivered despite himself and he pulled his jacket closer to his body. He didn't want the 22-year-old to know that he was cold.
"Yoongi, you're cold, come here."
Well, so much for that. Yoongi refused once again but his friend didn't seem to let it go so he finally let out a breath and moved to the back as well. He took off his shoes and threw them into a corner somewhere and accepted one of the blankets the younger gave him. They both were lying on the turned over seats now and the cold air swirled around them, making them shiver.
He wasn't really prepared for this kind of weather at all, most of the time he had spent sweating in the sun, pulling up the sleeves of his shirt, his jacket tied around his hips. But now it was freezing cold, not even his thick jacket was helping him now and as uncool as it was, he snuggled into his blanket deeply, curling up like a baby and scooched a bit closer to Jimin.
The younger man didn't seem to mind, though and came closer to Yoongi as well and, god-damn it, they were cuddling now, there was no other way to describe it. Yoongi felt heat blossom on his cheeks, his nose buried into the blanket close to Jimin's neck as the other sighed happily, moving back a bit more, pressing his back against Yoongi.
Was this kid for real? Why was cuddling accepted now?
The older man didn't find any answers, though, as he heard the other's breathing even out, his chest rising and falling in a soft rhythm. It was very comforting, Yoongi had to admit. He didn't feel as scared anymore, the dark and open space making him anxious. This was fine, though and he felt warm and he had to do this to survive, he told himself. Yeah.
It was okay.
Jimin looked very adorable from this position, his hair falling onto his face a bit, lips in a cute pout and hands curling on his chest. Yoongi thought that maybe, just maybe he was starting to develop a bit of a crush on his younger friend, the warmth that tugged at his heart the evidence for this. He sighed out quietly, not wanting to wake the other with his thoughts that seemed to run wild at the moment.
But the warmth Jimin's body was giving off calmed his nerves and eventually, sleep took Yoongi's consciousness and they stayed there together like that, curled up in that old car in the middle of nowhere.
