Naruto: An Intervention
Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
At Sakura's home, the "Save Naruto Seduction Team" was commiserating over their failure. Sakura sat on her bed with her legs crossed, scribbling down some notes, while Ino sat on Sakura's desk with a grimace. Hinata contented herself by hugging almost all of the stuffed animals to while sitting on the floor.
"Clearly we need to better plan our seduction and certain members of our team, who I will not mention, need to stop being fucking prudes," Ino broke the silence. Sakura nodded and looked over at Hinata.
"Yes... Hinata."
"I was talking about you!" Ino said in exasperation. Hinata nodded, her Byakugan flaring slightly.
"Yes."
"What? How is this my fault?" Sakura demanded. "I couldn't have known that Anko would have intervened! The boys were supposed to keep her distracted!"
"Yes, but you took so long that we never even got around to seducing Naruto," Ino pointed out, brushing off some leaves that had become stuck to her frilly dress.
"Well he wasn't cooperating!" Sakura said. "What, did you just want to force yourselves on him?"
"M-Maybe he wouldn't have minded?" Hinata suggested. At Sakura's strange look, Hinata squeaked and held a bunny rabbit up in front of her face.
I like the way she thinks, Inner Sakura contributed.
Gee, what a surprise, Sakura thought back.
"Well we are a seduction team!" Ino growled. "Maybe we should have tried, ya know, seducing him!"
"And then been caught by Anko in the middle of... Of that? I don't think so," Sakura said with a shudder. "Just imagine what she'd have done to us then!" She then glared and punched herself in the head. Ino blinked.
"Uh, Sakura-?"
"I'm fine," the pink haired girl growled. Ino slowly nodded.
"Right, right..."
"Sakura is right," Hinata said firmly, squeezing her stuffed bunny around the neck. "Anko-sensei is the one who interrupted us. Who interfered with our saving Naruto-kun." Her eyes narrowed and the bunny squeaked as Hinata's hands threatened to crush the poor toy. "We must take her down."
Ino rose and walked over to Hinata's side. She knelt down and carefully extracted the bunny toy from the Hyuuga princess's hands.
"Now now Hinata... Let's stay focused. We're no match for Anko, she'd kill us," Ino consoled Hinata. The Hyuuga girl looked Ino in the eyes. The blonde smiled at her and rested her hands on Hinata's shoulders. "What we need to do is save Naruto, that's thing one!"
Hinata smiled back warmly at Ino. "You're right Ino... I almost lost sight of our true goal..." She sniffled and clasped hands with Ino. "You're like the sister I never had! Thank you!"
"Don't worry Hinata, I'm here!" Ino said with a bright smile, "and together darling, we'll save Naruto and have him back for our own!"
"Oh Ino!" Hinata cried with a happy laugh. The two girls hugged, giggling. Sakura promptly facepalmed.
"Seriously... Why are you so gung ho about.." As Sakura raised her eyes, she saw that Hinata had pulled out Naruto's torn boxers. The pale girl held the clothing up to her nose, breathed deeply, and sighed with a blissful smile. "HEY!" She grabbed the boxers and yanked them out of Hinata's grasp. "Don't do that! It's weird!"
"Yes Hinata, it is a bit weird," Ino said. Hinata glared.
"What about Naruto-kun's shirt you've got stuffed in your dress?" She accused. Ino blushed brightly and cleared her throat. She looked to the side with a haughty expression.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about-"
"Ino, I can see it," Sakura said flatly, stooping down to yank the shirt out from Ino's dress. The blonde whined.
"Oh come on!"
"You two do realize you're getting like this over Naruto, right?" Sakura asked flatly.
"Is this any weirder than what you get up to over Sasuke and Itachi?" Ino replied, as Hinata nodded her head. Sakura turned bright red.
"Th-That's for professional purposes only!" Sakura growled. "That they're hot just means I have a bonus! Now let's focus! We need to come up with an improved plan."
"Well, you are the brains of the outfit... Supposedly," Ino said wryly. "What's your plan?"
The two girls looked expectantly at Sakura. The pink haired girl coughed, and rubbed the back of her head.
"Well... It's simple! We just need to get to Naruto when he's out of Anko's clutches!" Sakura said with a smile. "In hindsight, just assaulting Anko's home was kind of impulsive of me..."
"In fairness, Lee insisted on saving Gai-sensei," Ino said. "So don't feel too bad about it."
"Live and learn," Hinata said. "I know all the secret ways into Naruto's apartment complex, and I can track him easily..." At Sakura's look she pouted. "D-Don't judge me!"
"Fine," Sakura said with a sigh. "Let's rest and regroup and try again tomorrow. And if this fails, I can put together some contingency plans."
"Like what?" Ino asked.
"Well, we could always put together a C-Rank mission to get Naruto out of Konoha for a while," Sakura said with a grin and a wink.
"Right, because that never turns out badly," Ino said dryly.
Jiraiya, the Toad Sage of Konoha and author of one of the best book series ever (If he did say so himself-and he did) was compiling his notes from the day's excursions and giggling over them all. He had especially loved the bit where Mitarashi had intervened. Sure, it wasn't as smutty as he had been hoping for, but he could chalk that up to Naruto's inexperience. And his stubbornness.
"Honestly, that kid is such a prude it would be an embarrassment to his father," Jiraiya muttered, adding a few sketches of the scene to the journal. "I swear, I need to do something about that soon otherwise this is just going to-"
"Going to what?" Asked a harsh, female voice next to him. Jiraiya slowly looked to his left, and saw Tsunade herself standing next to him with a deep glower on her face. Jiraiya coughed.
"Oh! Tsunade-chan! What brings you here?" He asked with a pleasant smile on his face. Tsunade's scowl deepened.
"This is my office," she growled. Jiraiya looked about the Hokage's office, in faux surprise.
"Huh! Really? Kind of missed that," he said. Tsunade grabbed him by the collar. Jiraiya coughed and gave her his best smile. He swore, his teeth pinged and everything.
"Now Tsunade-chan, you know the last place anyone would expect to find me is in the Hokage's office, sitting behind her desk," Jiraiya said pleasantly. "You know its never been the job for me."
"I'm aware of that," Tsunade growled, "and I'd actually be happy if you had decided to take the job instead of me."
Jiraiya's smile became more genuine. He raised his eyebrows. "Oh? I don't think so, Tsunade-chan. Whatever would Naruto say about that, hm?"
Tsunade blushed slightly, but she restrained herself from killing him. After all, she still needed some answers.
Then she could kill him.
"Jiraiya, what the hell is going on between Anko and Naruto?" Tsunade demanded. "I had a whole room filled with first rate genin injured because of stupidity involving those two and I want to know why."
"Well," Jiraiya said, "it seems to be a bit complicated-"
"Is my Naruto in a sadomasochistic relationship with Orochimaru's former apprentice or not?" Tsunade snarled, lifting Jiraiya right out of the chair. Jiraiya coughed.
"You're rather possessive of a boy several decades your junior. I had no idea your tastes leaned in that direction, Tsunade-chan-"
He really did deserve getting his face slammed into the desk, but the expression on Tsunade's face was worth it.
"Ow," he commented. "You know, that damn desk is practically indestructible."
"We could test it and find out how indestructible it is with your face," Tsunade growled.
"All right all right!" Jiraiya said quickly. "The thing is, Anko and Naruto are doing..." He paused for dramatic effect, and to watch Tsunade's eyebrow twitch, "nothing."
Tsunade's eyes widened. "Nothing?!"
"Well nothing inappropriate," Jiraiya lied with a genteel grin. "Just think about it, Tsunade-chan! They're both village outcasts, both had their lives ruined... They're reaching out to one another! Its a friendship!"
"So she isn't turning Naruto into her good little sex slave?" Tsunade asked dangerously. Jiraiya shook his head.
"Of course not! ... But you have to admit, watching everyone else think that's the case is pretty damn hilarious."
Tsunade actually looked quite relieved. She hadn't put Jiraiya down though, so he wasn't out of the woods yet.
"Well... Maybe..." She looked aside. "Just a bit..."
"Tsunade-chan, you've been stressed out lately," Jiraiya said sympathetically. "Why not let go a bit, and have some fun?"
"'Fun' involving Naruto often ends with explosions," Tsunade pointed out.
"Were we any different at his age?" Jiraiya said gently. The blonde hokage slowly put Jiraiya down. She sighed and turned to look out a nearby window as Jiraiya brushed his clothes off out of habit.
"I suppose not," she said. She glared at him. "That seduction team gambit though... Really?"
"Hey, they've got to learn sometime," Jiraiya said. "Let's be honest: They need to expand their ninja skills... And loosen up a little. The Hyuuga heiress in particular, sheesh."
Tsunade nodded. "Agreed..." She hummed. "I suppose... If there were certain... Safeguards in place... And your word that you wouldn't let it escalate into a village destroying rampage..."
"Can't keep my word for that, babe," Jiraiya said. Tsunade smirked a bit.
"You would for me."
"Oh now that is low," Jiraiya huffed. "But...! All right. In return though," and here Jiraiya's eyes twinkled, "I need something from you."
Tsunade frowned. "What?"
Shizune, the apprentice of Tsunade herself, entered the office of Konoha's own Hokage with a bit of trepidation. Tsunade sat behind her desk, fingers steepled in front of her face. Jiraiya stood at her side, looking grave.
"Tsunade-sama, Jiraiya-sama," she said respectfully, "what can I do for you?"
"Shizune, I'm giving you an A-Rank mission of the utmost importance," Tsunade said gravely. "It concerns Naruto, and his very future. If you fail, it might mean the end of him."
Shizune stood up straighter, and narrowed her eyes in determination.
"You can count on me, Tsunade-sama!" She swore.
"Good, I knew I could," Tsunade said with a hint of warmth. Shizune returned it to her beloved mentor. "Now I don't give you this mission lightly, Shizune, but frankly it is the only way to help Naruto. You are the only one I can trust with this task."
"Of course, Tsunade-sama," Shizune said. "What is it?"
"I need you to take Naruto's virginity," Tsunade said gravely. Shizune nodded.
"Of course Tsunade-sama!"
Five, four, three, two- Jiraiya counted down, but Shizune's eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped before he got to one.
"EHHHHH?!"
Later that night, Naruto got to his bed and snuggled down into his covers. He drifted off to sleep... And in his dreams he found himself in a familiar sewer, before an equally familiar giant gate with an unfortunately familiar giant fox monster glaring at him.
"What the-?" Naruto tried, but the Kyuubi interrupted him with a low rumble.
"BRAT... YOU DISAPPOINT ME."
Well that wasn't exactly hard to do, being that Naruto was a human and Kyuubi was a horrible, evil chakra-based demon. Naruto even said as much.
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I REFER TO," the Kyuubi stated.
"Huh?" Naruto eloquently expressed in confusion. Kyuubi snorted, his breath curling up to the ceiling like smoke.
"THREE! THREE FINE VIXENS AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE A ONE OF THEM! What is WRONG with you?!"
"Eh?!" Naruto cried in disbelief. "Wha-YOU WERE SPYING ON ME?!"
"I see what you see, brat. It's boring in here," Kyuubi said flatly. "I have no other sources of entertainment aside from your memories!"
Well, that was intensely disturbing but Naruto decided to focus on one problem at a time.
"Well-Well-What do you mean, what's wrong with me?! It wouldn't be right to bang them!" Naruto paused, his cheeks turning red. "I mean... All at the same time... Together... Uhhh..." He was red as a tomato, but he managed to shake his head clear of the pleasant thoughts. "But it'd still be wrong...!"
"See? It's crap like this that makes me worry about you, brat," Kyuubi stated in a tone of voice that nearly qualified as concerned. Naruto decided, as with so many other things, to not think too hard about that. "So in my infinite wisdom, I shall give you useful advice on your predicament. Starting with the simplest solution: Bang them!"
"But-But I can't bang them! I mean... Um... I like Sakura but the other two... I-I don't like them like that!" Naruto emphasized.
The Kyuubi laughed.
"Oh? You were paying attention to those two reeeeeeal close. You know... the ones who wanted your clothes off. The ones you actually LIKE the attention of!"
"LIAR! I like Sakura just fine! She's freaking crazy! That's attractive!" Naruto said, shaking his fist. The Kyuubi was silent for a time, then...
"... are you listening to yourself?"
Naruto scowled and rallied to defend himself.
"Well, I'm just a bit overwhelmed! Three girls wanting me to bang them all at once...? How am I supposed to react?! Literally nothing like that has ever happened to me! Ever!" He shook his head. "What would you have done, huh?!"
"Make shadow clones and make sure they don't outnumber me!" The Kyuubi immediately stated.
"THAT'S NOT HELPING! Don't you have any useful advice?!" Naruto shouted back.
"Cuddles. They always respond well to that afterwards."
"After-DAMNIT!" Naruto cursed. He shook his fist at his tenant. "Do you have anything that doesn't involve me banging them?"
Once again the Kyuubi was silent and staring in disbelief at Naruto.
"... Seriously, you're saying words, and I can understand them by themselves, but that combination makes no sense..."
"ARGH!" Naruto shouted, fed up. "Asshole!"
"Just suck it up, brat. At least give me a thrill," the Kyuubi said, almost pleading.
"... You can see what I see," and Naruto's eyes widened in realization. "THAT's why you want me to bang them. Y-y-you PERV!"
"Oi! I have sired many a kit in my time!" The Kyuubi growled. "And while sealed inside humans I've been privileged to see all the finest perversions of your kind! And now I'm trapped inside the most hard headed virgin idiot ever! Think of how much I'm suffering!"
"You're not going to turn my first time into some tawdry sex show for yourself!" Naruto shouted with a snarl.
"It is perfectly natural to want to procreate! In fact..." And here the Kyuubi's voice took on the tone of one sharing secrets, "Jiraiya got so powerful because of how many females he banged! As did... Your father!"
"... Wait, what?!" Naruto asked in disbelief.
"Oh yes... They didn't tell you about your father, did they?" Kyuubi taunted. Some gears turned in Naruto's head, and unlike when he was in the real world they came to a proper and obvious conclusion. As obvious as the Yondaime's face on the Hokage monument.
"They told me enough! They told me... YOU killed him!" Naruto accused the Kyuubi. The Kyuubi chuckled darkly.
"No... I am your father!"
Naruto stared in shock for the longest time... Before his face broke from sheer incredulity.
"... nope. Not buying it," he said.
"Oh come on!" Kyuubi raged. "I haven't been able to use that joke in thousands of years and you totally blow it!"
"Seriously. No freaking way."
"Fine, fine! I'm not your father," the Kyuubi pronounced. The massive fox shrunk down, and walked out of the shadows. Now in the form of a beautiful, scantily clad (and very well endowed) kitsune woman, she smirked at him.
"I'm your MOTHER!"
Naruto responded to that by burying his face in his palms. When he lowered his hands, the Kyuubi had returned to its far less disturbing form of a giant hellbeast.
"All right all right... But I was sealed in your mother before I was sealed in you. And your grandma. And your great grandma... And so on and so forth. Hoo boy, the things that woman would get up to!" The Kyuubi actually chortled and Naruto swore kittens were probably dying somewhere in Konoha right now.
"... wait, you were sealed in all women in my family?" He asked.
"Yep. Well a guy or two. They didn't amount to much. Your sexy jutsu has a bit of my influence involved."
Naruto facepalmed again. "I think we're done here..."
"Now look brat: I shall make a deal with you. Listening?" The Kyuubi stated. Naruto weighed his options, sighed, and nodded.
"Yes," he said in resignation.
"You will put the counter kunoichi lessons the sexy older female who smells of snakes gave to good use. And you will mate with at least one of those females..." And here the Kyuubi grinned. "Or else."
"Or else what?" Naruto asked in challenge.
"Or else I will tell you, in detail, what your parents got up to the night they conceived your hairless ass. And fill your dreams with them."
Naruto's jaw dropped and his tanned skin turned the color of paper. He'd never known his parents, and true, he did want to know who they were but to know them like that...
I'm finding Jiraiya first thing in the morning to deal with this! He thought urgently. Out loud to the Kyuubi, he said:
"They'll be banged so hard their moms will feel it!" He said with his customary bravado.
"Good on you, brat!" The Kyuubi shouted. "Now get out!"
"Get out?! THIS IS MY BODY!" Naruto shouted back angrily.
"And the accommodations are abysmal..." The Kyuubi growled.
"Well what do you expect me to do about it?!" Naruto demanded.
"This is your mind, is it not? Use it for something useful!" Kyuubi demanded. "Put me in a place of comfort!"
"Place of comfort, huh?" Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "Hmmm..." He brightened. "How's this?"
The Kyuubi found himself on a bridge in Konoha. The sun shone down upon him as Sasuke leaned against the bridge railing with a pout on his face, Sakura talked on about nothing, Kakashi read his perverted book, Hinata stuttered and smiled at him, and the rest of the people Naruto had befriended were clustered around comfortable, happy, and smiling...
And the Kyuubi shuddered.
"Back to the sewer, please."
"God, fine!" Naruto shouted angrily.
No, this story ain't dead and neither am I! So stay tuned for more!
