Thanks for all the great reviews, they make me grin like the Cheshire cat (except a little less creepy. Damn cat gave me nightmares for a month...) It's great to get such good comments, so yay. I'm a happy bunny now. Here's Chapter Four.
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He stood on the Strip and he watched. The lights were so beautiful, the air was warm and sky was clear but he still couldn't find the happiness he hoped was still in him somewhere. The Strip had once fascinated him, but it no longer held that magnificence for him. As he watched, the Bellagio fountain spouted into action. He had once loved to sit and watch those fountains. They had filled him with awe, and he had almost been in a trance as he watched the 460 foot jets of water. Not now. Now he was weary. World weary. He'd seen everything there was to see and there was nothing that could surprise him any more. Even his feelings didn't surprise him any more.
Feelings. He wished he didn't feel. If he didn't have to feel then he wouldn't be in this mess. She'd still be here because he wouldn't have made any stupid mistakes. If he didn't have to feel then he wouldn't miss her so damn much. God he missed her. He even missed fighting with her. He hated himself for messing it up like he always did. He had a beautiful young woman ready to give everything to him and he just couldn't do it. He couldn't take that chance because he would have had to let go of everything. He would have had to take down the walls he had built around his heart, the walls that were supposed to protect him, and he just wasn't ready for that. He couldn't bear leaving himself open, vulnerable, exposed. He couldn't let her in because he was scared of the pain he knew would come. He knew he would be burned. He always was, that was the way love went when he was in it.
Love was supposed to change things. It was supposed to make you happy, it was supposed to make things better. It was supposed to heal wounds, it was supposed to be stronger than anything else but it wasn't. He knew that there must be something out there that he was missing. He knew there was happiness to be found but he couldn't let go. He couldn't let go for long enough to be happy, he wouldn't. He saw what love did. Love killed, love injured, love hurt. Love made things worse and he didn't believe that the risk was worth it. He loved her more than anything but he refused to let it show. If he showed he loved her he was exposing a weakness and he knew that the bad guys exploited weaknesses. Loving her would put them both in danger and he wasn't willing to do that, to himself or to her. He couldn't love her.
He knew that was all she wanted. She just wanted him to love her, and he hated to hurt her, he hated to see that look on her face. The one that told him it was exactly what she expected. He had never known that one day she would be gone. He had expected it on some level but he never believed it. Maybe he just wanted to believe that she would stay for him no matter what. He knew it was selfish, asking her to stay when he wasn't prepared to give her what she needed, what she wanted, but he couldn't bear his soul to her. Moments were all he could give her and he knew it wasn't enough. He knew that he'd never be enough for, knew that he was never going to be good enough.
She was strong, she would get through it without him. She would watch him fall apart and he knew that was exactly what she wanted. She was punishing him for all the hurt he had caused her. He had never taken the chance to let her in, he had never fought to get her. Every time she got close to him he got scared and he shut down. He left her on her own without him and he died a little more inside every time he hurt her but the truth was that she was all he wanted. He didn't care about his job or his reputation, none of it mattered if he had her but he didn't have her. He never had done. He wished that there was an easier way, he wished he didn't have to give it all up for her but there was no easier way and when it came to it he just couldn't let go.
He had been doing the same job in the same lab for most of his adult life. He had seen people come, and he had seen people go. He had watched people burn out, he had watched people die, he had lost good friends but he hadn't changed. He was still the same scared man that he had always been. He had always been scared of letting people in, he let nobody see him hurt. In so many years of doing his job he had put countless criminals away but it never helped. You put one away and another 5 crawled out of the woodwork. The crime rate was getting out of hand and he couldn't keep up. He was exhausted and he didn't know why he wouldn't just let it go and take what made him happy. He had lost sight of why he did this, why he tried so hard when he never changed anything. He had become disillusioned and he was lost, he didn't know where to go or what do.
He wished that he could go back to before he ever hurt her. He wanted to take back everything he had done to her, he wanted to start over. He remembered when she had first taken his seminar and he had first laid eyes on her. She had taken his breath away, she still did. She had been so enthusiastic, so interested, and her attitude had rubbed off on him. He would never forget that day. The way she had looked at him, like he was the most important man in the world...he wished he had seen that look recently. The past few years had been difficult, and she didn't look at him like that any more. She barely looked at him now. He didn't blame her, he wouldn't have taken notice of himself either. He wasn't worth her attention, wasn't worth her devotion, her loyalty, her respect. Wasn't worth her love.
Never had been.
She gave herself away to him each and every day and he just let it go. He tried to block it out because he couldn't bear the responsibility of respecting her love. He refused to acknowledge her vulnerability and he just ended up hurting her. It was almost as if he wanted more and he would wait for it, no matter what else happened. He would wait for more - with or without her. And if he lost the highs, at least he was spared the lows. And he knew just how much the lows could hurt. How easily they could break a man. He didn't want to break, he wouldn't.
He turned his attention back to the people. So many people, so many stories, so little time. Civility had gone from today's society. Nobody wanted to pause, nobody wanted to take a look around. Nobody looked after one another, nobody cared any more. The hustle and bustle of the street meant nothing more than strangers on cell phones, collisions and stone coldness.
Suddenly a scream. God, it was loud. He would never be able to forget that scream. As he turned his head he wondered what life would be like if he had never had the corrective surgery. He would never have been able to hear the scream. A woman. It was a woman's scream. She was screaming help, it was only just audible amongst other screams. He felt his feet move without his consent. They carried him to the crowd without any input. There was a person on the sidewalk, in the foetal position. Blood pooled around their body, they weren't moving.
The crowd thinned as a fight broke out and suddenly he saw. He saw her lying there. He shook his head, he didn't believe it. She was gone. She was supposed to be gone...Why was she here? He fell to his knees at her side, he reached out. His hands touched her body - she was warm, she was still warm. It was surreal, he saw himself moving from above. He couldn't think straight as he felt for the wound. The blood kept coming, there was so much of it, he only ever saw so much blood at crime scenes where victims had been....No. He had to save her. He had to help her. He couldn't let go now, not that she was there in his arms. He would never be able to forgive himself if he had the chance to save her and he failed her. This was the last chance he had and he was going to take it. He couldn't, wouldn't, let her go.
He found the wound. He ripped his shirt off, suddenly the air was cold as he knelt on the hard cement in his thin t-shirt. He pushed his shirt against her side. A moan escaped her lips, she was in pain. She was barely conscious but her eyes fluttered open and her hands found his.
"Sara." His voice didn't sound like his own. "It's Grissom, let me help you. Move your hands, I have to help you."
"G...Grissom?" Her own voice was barely there.
"Yeah, honey, it's Grissom. It's going to be alright. There's an ambulance on the way, just stay with me. Okay? Stay with me."
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologise for Sara." He was dying inside. His eyes were burning, he couldn't see through the well of tears. He couldn't put enough pressure on her, the blood wouldn't stop. He could hear the faint wail of the sirens in the distance but they were too far away. They weren't going to arrive in time. "Nothing, okay?"
"Bye, Griss." Her eyes closed, she swallowed hard. Her eyes opened once more. "I love you."
"God, Sara, no, don't say goodbye. It's not time for goodbye. You're not going anywhere."
"L...love you."
The tears were flowing freely down his cheeks now. He pushed all of his weight down on her but the blood just kept coming. It kept pouring from her side, he was covered. His hands, his arms, his t-shirt, his pants, everything was covered in her warm blood. "Sara, I love you too. God, I love you too. Don't go, don't leave me. Please." He didn't think as he pressed his lips against hers. He felt her sigh underneath his hands, she tried to move. "No, honey, stay still. Stay still. You hear that? The paramedics are almost here, it's going to be okay. Just stay still honey."
The ambulance sirens were still too far away.
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So there we have it. Chapter Four. Tell me what ya think :) Too evil? Nah. Can never be too evil. Just for the record...I love the words To Be Continued hehe. Reviews would be awful great, ta, folks.
