Author's note: Merry Christmas! I was stuck in the middle of nowhere for a few days with no internet. All I could do was edit, and now you get the rewards. Here are a bunch of new chapters! I hope you enjoy!
Last time. . .
I wish you were here.
I stopped. I had never written that before and hadn't even known I felt that way until it was there on the page. I started to mark it out, but then thought It's not like anyone reads these silly things anyway, and let it be. It was how I truly felt and I had always been honest in these notes. It was part of what made me feel better. I finished my letter.
Love, Bella
Ch4 Nothing Left
It was nearly a month before I could get back to my meadow. It had not been a very good month. Even now, being in my special sanctuary failed to bring me peace. My hand shook as I struggled to write,
Oh, My Dearest,
The agony of living this lie is tearing me apart. Every day Jacob grows more restless. Which makes him feel even worse. He cannot reconcile his conscience with his desires. My poor Jacob.
The children know something is terribly wrong, but no one will talk about it. Our once happy home is falling apart.
There is only one small light. Alice and Charlie love Sara. How sick is it that she is the good part in all of this? I insisted that she meet them. I'm trying to be practical in all of this. It is not easy.
Sara knows nothing of what is going on. It would only make her hate Jacob as much as I do. But I don't hate him. I don't even hate Sara. It isn't their fault nature has conspired against me. Yet every time I see them together, even as casual acquaintances, I see the way Jacob looks at her and die a little inside.
Am I never to find someone who is truly mine? Have I nothing to offer that could bind someone to only me? If only I could just let go. If I could just cease to exist, everyone would be better off. Sara would make a wonderful mother to my children.
And yet, if I were to do anything. . . rash, Jacob would only blame himself all the more. I cause him enough misery as it is. And so I continue, as my heart is slowly torn into a thousand shreds.
If only you were here. You always knew the right thing, the best thing. Even when it was the hardest thing. I know it was hard for you to leave me, all those years ago. But you knew it was for the best because I couldn't hold you, couldn't make you happy. Just like I can't hold Jacob any longer.
Writing to you has always brought me peace, helped me in some way. But it's not enough anymore, I'm tired of pretending. I pretend Jacob still loves me, for the kids. I pretend Jacob barely notices Sara, for her sake. I pretend I'm not falling apart, for Jacob. I've nothing left with which to pretend you still care. Perhaps this will be my final note.
And yet I know this is all I have left, my imaginings. So I know I will continue. Continue to pretend, to write, to live, to die. I have never missed you more, and never believed less that you even care.
Love, Bella
By the time I signed my name I could barely see through the tears burning my eyes. Trembling, I folded the letter and carefully put in under the rock. Then I really broke down. I fell upon the rock with my head in my hands and wept the bitter tears I hid from everyone else.
I heard a noise from the underbrush near me, but ignored it. What did I care if some bird or squirrel had come to watch my agony?
Long before I was truly done crying, I pulled myself together. I had to get back. Jacob was waiting. The kids were waiting. Everyone was waiting. Waiting for what?I thought sadly, wondering if I would ever return to my meadow.
As it turned out, I couldn't even wait a week.
At breakfast a few days later I spoke to Jacob.
"I'd like to go hiking again." I said, trying to sound casual, though I was desperate to get back, to get away.
"Again?" Jacob asked, "Bella you were just gone, and we may have found something in the woods. I don't think it's a good idea right now."
"Is it something dangerous?" I asked, fearing for Charlie.
"We're not sure yet. Well, I'm not sure yet, anyway. " he rolled his eyes, "There was a fresh trail of that old scent. I'm still the only one in the pack that takes it seriously." He clarified.
"But you said it wasn't dangerous," I replied.
"Look, Bella, I said I didn't think it was dangerous, but that was when the smell wasn't fresh. I would really rather you didn't go into the woods alone right now." His patience wasn't what it used to be.
"Besides, I've already taken off too much work. I couldn't watch the kids." He stated, implying that this should end the discussion.
I wasn't willing to give up. For some reason I felt I needed to go back as soon as possible.
"I could find someone else to watch the kids," I started, butJake cut me off.
"Dammit, Bella, you know you're going to do whatever the hell you want to, no matter what I say. Why do you even ask me?!" Like I said, patience was not his strong suit these days.
"Out of respect, Jacob," I replied calmly. "I do care what you think, and I want you to know my plans," I said, blinking back tears.
Jacob saw the tears and was instantly wracked with guilt, "I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean it. Do whatever you need to." Just then little Charlie called for him and we were both saved from saying anything more to each other.
That night I found a sitter. In the irony of ironies, it was Sara.
The next day nature finally gave me small consolation by letting the weather match my mood. It was a dreary day, not with the promise of life giving rain, just gray.
I was in my meadow in record time. What am I doing here? I thought to myself. What good can this possible do me anymore? I knew he didn't really care, that he had stopped loving me ten years ago. No one loved me now.
But that wasn't true. Charlie and Rene loved me, but they didn't need me. My children loved me, but I couldn't be the mother they deserved because I could no longer give them a happy home. There were some who loved me, but it wasn't enough. I was still alone.
I got out my pen and paper, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself believe. They fell from my hands and I dropped to my knees.
I whispered, "Oh, Edward."
There was a rustle in the trees, but I didn't notice. For in that moment I realized I hadn't even allowed myself to thinkhis name since the day he left me. Hearing it out loud, in my own voice, reopened the wound I had thought was healed.
I found that it had not grown smaller at all. My heart had simply cut out the offending piece and left it missing. It had been the greater part. I could feel now what I had been missing for so long. It was agony, but I could feel it. I wanted to feel more.
"Edward," I whispered again, my voice dripping with anguish, "Edward, whereare you?" "I'm here," came the sweet velvety voice I hadn't heard in years. Not since I had started writing notes and saved my sanity.
Oh no, I thought, I've lost it, again. I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand pretending.
"Please," I whispered, thinking, I can't go on like this!
"I'mhere," The voice of my angel came again, taunting me despite it's earnest tone. But then I heard a noise the trees again.
I looked up, panicked. How far will it go this time? And indeed, my delusions had gone further than ever before. There, at the edge of the clearing, stood Edward in all his stunning glory.
