"Day of Da Spookies"


In Ms. Bitters classroom Dib stands in front of a screen displaying pictures of a group of strange slug people. "…and that's how I discovered that the sweaty people across the street were actually a family of giant slugs!" he says proudly while pointing to an image of a slug person. "Man, Dib, can you GET any crazier? Next you'll be calling Sluggy a slug person!" the child named Zita gestures over to Sluggy, a slug boy, sitting in his slime-drenched desk, wearing a "no salt" shirt.

"Heyyy... he is a slug person. How long has he sat there?" Dib says in a confused voice. "Looks like Dib's got some slugs of his own, and they're eating his brain!" Zim jokingly declares while pointing to his head. The class breaks out into laughter, with Dib looking not at all happy with the nasty attention. "WHOAH! BRUTAL, MAAN! BRUTAL!" Poonchy declares from the front row.

"Joke all you want Zim, but it's an open mind and my paranormal studies that've kept me on your alien tail from day one!" Dib retorts. "Alien. Pleeease. You know nothing" Zim scoffs at the possibility, Dib looks agitated for a moment before he begins to speak. "I know you're from a race of planet-stealing aliens named IRKENS. Your brain is contained in that backpack of yours. Your eyes are synthetic implants... should I go on?" Dib quickly rattles off some facts, Zim has grown paranoid and silent. He is obviously shocked to hear just how much Dib really knows. The entire class stares at him. Zim steels himself and responds.

"Oh yeah, well- HEY WHAT'S THAT!?" Zim points at something and then runs from the class.

Later in Zim's lab he is watching a recording of Dib's little speech, which is also filled with Dib schematics and research. The image zooms into Dib's face, smiling proudly. GIR and Minimoose watch attentively as Zim talks. "What makes him different? When all the other humans are blind like...little blindies, why does Dib pursue me?" Zim pauses for a moment and Minimoose squeaks. "Exactly, Minimoose. His belief in his paranormal nonsense, that's why. But I have a plan to change all that and you'll all be helping me"

GIR jumps for joy at the mention of the plan and Minimoose squeaks happily. Invader Skoodge claps wildly and cheers. "YEEAAAH! A PLAN! HOW EXCITING!" Zim stares at the chubby irken for a few moments. "SKOODGE?! What are you doing here?!" he demands in a shocked and surprised way. "I don't have anything to do. Since I conquered Blorch, I've been living in your basement. So, how can I help?" Skoodge enthusiastically asks.

"Since I conquered Blorch blah blah blah Quit rubbing it in my face! And my plan doesn't need any of your filthy Skoodge help. GIR, Minimoose, let's go!" Zim mocks Skoodges voice before running out with a cheering GIR and a squeaking Moose.

Zim runs to Dib's door and rings the doorbell. "Who is it?" Dib politely asks from somewhere behind the door. "It is I, the legendary BIGFEETS!" Zim grandiosely declares then runs behind a bush with GIR. The two giggle with evil glee. Dib excitedly opens his door and leaps onto his doorstep. "BIGFEETS! I knew you were real! What?! No BIGFEETS!? IT WAS ALL A LIE!" at the absence of anyone at the door, Dib begins to cry. "I've been wrong all along. Wrong about everything. Now I will stop hunting Zim!"

He falls to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably. We come out of Zim's little fantasy and see Zim chuckling. In reality, an irritated Dib opens the door and peeks out. He sees nothing and closes the door. Zim is confused. "Hmmmm... time for plan B" GIR and Minimoose make sounds of awe.

Once again, the group is gathered together in the lab, all watching Zim. Zim holds up a strange bodysuit covered with wires. "WHAT IS IT? TELL MEEEE! TELLL MEEEEE! AGHHH! AGHHH! TELL ME! AAAAGH!" GIR loudly inquires for no reason we will ever know. "A phantom suit! An invisibility shroud, basically. They're for military stealth missions, but I've made a few modifications and now they're "GHOST" suits! I AM AMAZING!" Zim proudly declares after a beat of irritation.

Skoodge pops up from a vent in the floor. "WOW! What can I do to help?"

"Nothing! And shut up about conquering BLORCH! You got lucky! LUCKY I SAY!" he shouts before turning to GIR and Minimoose. "Come on, our ghostly mission begins NOW!" Zim hands out some suits to GIR and Minimoose. They suit up and run off. Skoodge goes back into the vent looking quite sad and left out.

LATER, IN DIB'S BEDROOM

A sleepy Dib sits on his bed with a horror novel in his lap. The words 'Cthulu Badness' can be seen on the cover. The curtains blow inward. On his TV, a scary movie plays...

"And now that you know my secret, I will drink your brainblood! BLUHH! BLUHHH!" an actress in the movie shouts moments before slurping sounds can be heard.

Dib nods off with the book in his lap. Suddenly, the TV turns off...ON ITS OWN! Dib doesn't move. More whispering comes from a source that can't be seen.

Suddenly the window SLAMS shut...ON ITS OWN!

Dib smacks his lips and turns his head, but does not wake.

The book closes...ON ITS OWN! Dib momentarily awakens...

"...look out! That pony is possessed!" He mumbles before falling right back asleep. A voice that sounds like Zim's, only spookier, comes out of the darkness. "Dib. Diiiiiiib..." the spooky Zim-like voice moans, waking Dib up "Huh?"

"Diiiiiiiib. It is I, Count Ghostula" Zim's spooky voice declares moments before a crazy voice screams, "This is too scary!" the voice is clearly GIR. "Silence, my fellow ghost friend" Count Ghostula reprimands his ghostly friend. "What's going on? Where are you?" He frantically looks around the room, but finds nothing. "I'm a ghost from beyond. Look!"

Suddenly, Zim, GIR, and Minimoose in crappy ghost costumes fade into view. They float slightly above Dib's bed, he is in complete awe. ZIM does a graceful spin in midair. Minimoose squeaks and lazily floats up to the ceiling, upside down. It just sticks there like that. GIR floats all over the place, making spooky noises, knocking things over and being more freakish than spooky.

"WHOAH, there, ghost friend! You'll have to excuse him, he's not yet accustomed to being on the OTHER SIDE! WhOooOOOooooH!" Zim excuses GIR's behavior before giving him a swift kick in the butt. "GHOSTS! DAD! GHOSTS IN MY ROOM!" He loudly shouts down the hall. "I'll be right there, even though you're insane!" The Professor shouts back at his son.

"No! We're not ready for anyone else to see us yet! We'll vanish forever! OooH!" Count Ghostula says in a panicky voice. Dib thinks about this for a second. As Membrane and Gaz appear in the doorway, ZIM and his ghostly cohorts fade away. "All right Dib, where are the ghosts?" Dib's dad says in a fed up voice.

"Uh...my mistake. They were giant spiders... yeah, False alarm" Dib feeds this excuse to his family, they growl and walk away, disgusted. Ghostula reappears, "Excellent! No one must interfere with our spoooky plan, we want YOU to help us reveal ourselves on live television where things can go horribly wrong and possibly ridicule someone" Ghostula explains. "That's an odd plan, but it could earn me the fame and respect I deserve! OKAY!" Dib picks up the phone andhits a speed dial button. "Hello? Mysterious Mysteries? This is Dib. No, don't hang up! I have three ghosts in my room! Send a camera crew down here immediately. Okay... COOL"

"WELL? TELL Count Ghostula everything" he demands in Zim's typical manner of speech. "Well, they're sending a trained professional to make sure you're really ghosts. Only after they approve will the host show up to declare me the greatest paranormal pioneer of the century!" Dib is practically exploding with enthusiasm. "Wait... an investigator?" Ghostula looks quite nervous as he says this. Zim looks out the window as the Mysterious Mysteries news van pulls up outside.

"Um...We'll be right back. We got some ghost stuff to take care of back in ghostland" Zim says as he lifts the windowsill and starts to climb out. "Hey, if you're ghosts, why do you have to use the window to get out? Why can't you just walk through the walls?"

"Uh, we just don't want to show off." Zim falls clumsily out the window, GIR blasts through the wall and Minimoose floats down from above, not quite making it out the window. The little moose gently bumps into the top part of the window frame and sticks there. ZIM's arms reach in, grasping wildly until he snatches the moose.

The camera crew and the Trained Professional run up Dib's walkway. The Professional drops his briefcase and lags behind. The camera crew enters Dib's house. Zim hides in the bushes with GIR and Minimoose. "I wasn't counting on being examined. It'll ruin everything! That fool can't be allowed to investigate us" inside the Trained Professional is still picking up stuff.

"Now, Minimoose!" Zim shouts as Minimoose flies towards the Professional. We hear the sounds of a great struggle. When Zim and GIR run over to the walkway, the Professional is bound and gagged in elaborate chains, with a squeaking Minimoose atop him. "Quickly GIR, launch him into space!" Zim whispers before GIR throws the Professional up and out of the atmosphere. Zim and GIR quickly duck out of sight. "Okay, we need a replacment Ghost Professional. Someone to keep our evil trick going until it is the perfect time to embarrass Dib. But who? WHO WILL PLAY THE PART?" Zim looks to his companions, a flustered GIR responds; "I don't know."

Zim looks disgusted and then opens his communicator.

Later, Dib greets the camera crew at his front door. "You Dib?" the first Cameraman asks. "Yeah. Where's the Ghost Professional?" Dib asks, trying to look behind the two cameraman. "I don't know. He was right behind us and then he kind of got launched into space" the second cameraman explains. Suddenly, the doors swing open, followed by the dramatic entrance of Invader Skoodge, who is dressed in a ridiculous paper thin "professional ghost person" get-up.

"Here I am, back from space! Now, where are the ghosts?" Everyone stares at him in shock.

Skoodge stands in front of the three "ghosts" with a bunch of odd looking equipment in front of him. The camera crew and Dib stand nearby. The crew is filming. "Okay, let's start the test off easy. Uh...let's begin with a question... are you ghosts?" He asks, giving them a quizzical expression. "Oh yes" Ghostula Minimoose squeaks a positive-sounding squeak. "You live in the basement!" GIR shouts as he points at Skoodge.

"That's his way of saying "yes"" Zim covers for his crazed minion. "Sounds good to me. Now it's time to see if you dance like ghosts" Skoodge continues being quizzical. "Huh?" Zim is getting angry at his basement squatter. "Uh, yeeaaah. It's in all the books. It's a ghost dance. You know" Skoodge pulls some random fact out of thin air. GIR does a floating dance of insanity. Minimoose sort of bobs back and forth in midair, squeaking all the way.

"Um.. , I think we should move on. I don't...uh..where did you...?" Zim is irritated before noticing that Skoodge is no longer standing where he was just standing. Zim looks around and sees Skoodge dancing with GIR and Minimoose. Zim looks miserable and kind of dances over to Skoodge. When he's close enough, Zim kicks him.

"Ow! UH, OH YEAH. Very good" Skoodge approves of the little jig as he rubs his injured side. "So, what's the next test!?" Zim / Ghostula asks through angrily gritted teeth. "Next...Uhhhh..." Skoodge looks nervous, as all the people stare at him. He looks around the room for something, anything. He sees a terrarium with a lizard in it. He grabs a fistful of dirt and throws it into ZIM's face. ZIM crumples to the floor, swiping at his face and coughing violently.

"YES! See, uh, ghosts are allergic to dirt. Yeah. So he's a real ghost!" Skoodge triumphantly declares to the cameras. "I guess it's settled, I-" Zim says as he starts to get up but then GIR throws a clump of dirt into ZIM's face sending ZIM rolling and gagging again. Dib looks thrilled. While he speaks, ZIM feebly crawls around as GIR follows him and throws clump after clump into his master's face.

"YES! THEY'RE REAL! That means-" Dib happily declares before his door WHOOSHES open and the Mysterious Mysteries Host enters with a spooky cloud of smoke. "Long have we believed ghosts were real, but NOW we have proof. THREE REAL ghosts and it's all thanks to Dib, the GREATEST PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR EVER TO LIVE! CONGRATULATIONS, DIB!" Dib is adorned with a crown and a cape signifying that he is indeed the greatest paranormal researcher. Newspapers tout his discovery with headlines like "THREE GHOSTS!" And "DIB IS NICE!". The pictures show Dib with his three ghost friends posing in various locales. All this happens in seconds.

"WOOO!" Dib shouts as he is happier than ever before. "Excuse me, I have a confession to make" Zim says before he clears his throat then lets out an evil laugh. "It's all been a cruel hoax, a prank set up by Dib! NOW, SEE THE TRUTH!" then GIR's and Minimoose's disguises shut down so that we can see who they really are, a strange green dog and a floating purple moose. Zim's own disguise flutters a little bit but doesn't shut off. He still looks like a ghost. He keeps hitting at some button on his chest.

"You see?! The Dib has made fool of you all! We're not ghosts. We're... wait... something's wrong with my suit. Hold on..." Zim says as he continues to struggle with the off switch. "ZIM!?"Dib shouts as he realizes the horrible truth. "Count Ghostula is right... We've been tricked! There's only ONE ghost! THREE ghosts would've been amazing, but only one ghost is cruel and horrible!" The MM host loudly declares.

"Wait a minute, the controls are stuck..." He fiddles with the controls but they only make him emit spooky noises and float a little higher. "Might as well take that ghost with us" the Host mumbles to himself. "NO! SKOODGE! Tell them I'm not a ghost! Tell them you were in on it all along!" Skoodge, looking nervous and frightened, runs away like a child.

"So it turns out Dib is the greatest insane fraud ever. His trickery knows no limits" the Host says to the cameras. "Wait! I didn't- OH NO! NOT THE CAMERAS!" Zim shouts as the cameras whoosh in and take more pictures. More headlines fly around, these much more evil-looking than before. Zim appears more wicked. In one he's actually a goblin. All are variations of the "DIB IS A FRAUD" theme.

"Put the ghost in a ghost bucket for horrible painful tests" he happily declares as Zim is carried off in a bucket. "NOOOOO! I AM ZIM! I AM ZIIIM!" Zim screams can be heard from inside the bucket. "Well, I sort of win, ZIM. Have fun in-"

"Put Dib in an insane fraud bucket for testing" the Host says, instead of being shocked, Dib just sighs as he's tossed into a bucket. "HEY! THERE'S RATS IN HERE!?" Dib shouts as the rodents nibble at his feet. "Indeed there are. Indeeeed there are. Let's get out of this house of lies" Dib's squeaking bucket is picked up and everyone leaves.


A/N: Happy New Year everyone!