"You ready to leave yet?" I push my cup of coffee to the side and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "I have to go back to the hospital, so I need to get going soon." I start to pack up my bag of books and throw my hi-lighters into the front compartment.

"Yeah, in a minute. Let me finish off this pie." Marissa cuts through her slice of apple pie with her fork and shoves it into her mouth. I let her finish eating and keep writing down the notes my professor told me to recopy over the break for psychology. It seems like psych is always the only class I have homework for. I never have homework for my sociology or pre-med classes.

"So when you and Travis did it… did he… you know?" I grab my pink hi-lighter back out of my bag and hi-light a section of my definitions. I don't really want to know the answer to this question, but it seems reasonable to ask considering that Marissa and I are so different on this level.

"Yeah. But he pulled out like right before he did." She licks a crumb of pie off her thumb and snickers. "I took like… six pregnancy tests after, and they all came back negative. Plus, I'm on my period right now. So I just got lucky."

"Lucky isn't even the word." I roll my eyes and keep busily scribbling my notes from one notebook into the other. "If you had gotten pregnant, would you have kept it?"

"Mhm." She nods. "I couldn't imagine giving my baby up for adoption or getting an abortion, so I'd have no other choice. But you know my mom… she'd murder me." She pushes her plate to the side. "But I'm going to eventually have kids. I want a big family… like four kids." She seems confident, like that's what she knows she wants in life. "What about you, Dem?"

I shrug. "I guess I just want to be happy in life. I don't want kids, but I want to get married someday. It's 2013, and gay marriage is still illegal, so I don't think that'll happen for me." I sigh. "Truth be told, Riss…" I feel myself getting a little emotional. "I wish I could meet a guy. Just so I could be normal. I wish I could meet a guy that I found attractive. I really just wanna be normal. So I can get married and stuff one day."

"You ARE normal, Dems. It doesn't matter if you like a boy or a girl. Love is love, you know? I wouldn't give up just yet. We're both still young. Maybe gay marriage will be legalized soon. And you'll find a girl to marry out there. Don't force yourself to like a guy just because you want to get married."

"…Thanks." I sigh again and shake my head.

"I'm gonna go ahead to the bathroom for a second. I gotta pee." Marissa takes another sip of her watered down lemonade and gets up from her seat. It's a good thing that Panera doesn't have strict closing hours, because when Marissa and I come here, we always stay for a few hours. I nod at her and continue writing down my psychology notes. It's a little pathetic that it's my second day being home, and I'm already doing homework. I'm such a lame.

I break off a piece of my cinnamon roll and eat it. I think about what Marissa said, and just hope that she's right. I want to get married someday. I want to have a wife, living in a nice house somewhere away from here. But if this whole gay marriage thing doesn't get legalized, I don't have anything to hope for. I wish I could find a man that I'm attracted to. I'm not attracted to any boys… but I hope it's possible. I just want to be normal.

I break off another piece of my cinnamon roll and eat it. I veer my mind away from the fact that I'm abnormal, and start thinking about Carlo. He's so cute! With his long hair and his little pug nose, he's just adorable! I can't wait to get back to the hospital and hold him. I still can't believe that Dallas wants me to be his godmother. That's like… a huge honor. A godmother means that I will be Carlo's mom if Dallas or Rob die. God forbid that happen, though. I still don't want children.

"Excuse me, miss…" A gruff, hoarse, yet smooth voice acquires my attention from behind. I finish off the word I'm writing and turn around. When I turn around, I'm face to face with the guy Marissa said was cute. He has light brown golden eyes and neatly trimmed eyebrows. His facial hair is neatly groomed also, with the formation of a chin-strap.

"Yes?" I answer him. My own voice surprises me at how fluent and smooth it comes out. I'm feeling tired and incredibly run down, I was expecting my voice to mirror how I feel on the inside. He flashes me a smile, showing that all of his teeth are perfectly tactile, pristine white and completely straight. I would assume that he's had braces, but I try not to jump to conclusions with people that I don't know. He puts one finger up by the corner of his mouth and motions to me like I should wipe it off. I crinkle my eyebrows slightly before I realize that he's trying to tell me to wipe the corner of my mouth off. "Thanks." I mumble.

"No problem. Can I uh… borrow your ketchup? Mine is completely empty." He holds his hand out over the booth. His fingers are long and slender and his fingernails are very clean.

"Yeah, sure." I hand him the ketchup bottle and turn back around. He seems very polite. I look up to find Marissa walking back towards the table. We really should leave now. I want to get back to Carlo. "You ready to get going?"

"Yeah, we can head out. My grandmother is bitching at my mom about not seeing me since I've been home, so I have to go home too." She sighs and starts packing up her books and supplies. "I'll just drop you back off at the hospital, is that cool?"

"Yeah, that's fine." I shove my notebooks into my bag and stand up. Marissa glares at me for a second. I look at her with attitude and roll my eyes. "What are you staring at?"

"…You. Got. That. Bag." She says to me through clenched teeth. She sounds pissed, but all I can do is laugh. A few weeks ago, when we were home for Thanksgiving break, we went to the mall and we were in the Michael Kors store. While we were in there, we both saw this big schoolbook-deep bag that we wanted. I guess she finally realized that I went back the next day and bought it.

My family is….wealthier than Marissa's. Marissa has a job on the campus of Berkeley at a department store called Buck's. She had to get a job to pay for her books, whereas my parents don't want me to get a job on campus. They want me to focus, and we have enough money for me to still live comfortably up on campus without a job. I hate the term "rich", but I guess that's just what we kind of are.

"….I'm sorry." I nibble on my bottom lip and giggle. She rolls her eyes at me again and slings her bag on her back with one strap. I actually kind of like Marissa's bag. It's a Coach backpack, of course. It's actually pretty cute.

I hold onto my bag tightly and walk out the door, Marissa following close behind. "That guy sitting behind us was so cute. I should've made a move. He looked like he was in the military or something. I love a man in uniform." She unlocks her car and I slide in the passenger's seat.

"He wasn't that cute…" I shrug like it's nothing and fasten my seatbelt. I don't know if the fact that I'm gay has anything to do with it, but I'm especially annoyed with Marissa's boy-craziness today.

Sometimes, I feel like God is just out to get me. I know that sounds a little extreme, but I really feel that way sometimes. I grew up a strong Christian, and I'm aware that being "gay" is a sin and all. That's why I think that maybe sometimes he hates me. I'm not sure what religion I am anymore. I think I'm a Christian, but I find it so hard to believe that God hates gays, like they used to preach at my church. So I guess now I'm an atheist, but all in all, I just want to love God. I feel like it's God's form of punishment to make me have to sit through Marissa's rants and raves about boys and sex. I could use another gay friend.

Marissa turns the key to start her car, and again, as if God is trying to kick me while I'm already down, the song on the radio blares loud and proud. I know most people would expect me and others like me to love this song as an anthem, but I really hate it. I think it's a beautiful song, I have it on my iPod, and I love to listen to it when I'm feeling like my back is against the wall. But I hate listening to it around people, because then I feel like I'm naked in a crowded room with everyone staring at me in my most vulnerable form.

And to add fuel to the fire, Marissa begins to sing it. "A culture founded from oppression, yet we don't have acceptance for 'em. Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board. A word rooted in hate yet our genre still ignores it. Gay is synonymous with the lesser. It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion…"

I block her out. I'm sick of hearing it already. I'm beginning to not care if "my love, my love, my love, she keeps me warm." Is true. Just shut up already.

I grind my teeth and try extra hard to just bear through it.

It's a long drive back to the hospital.


"Maddie, let me hold him now." I sit down on the couch of Dallas's new hospital suite and pump some hand sanitizer into my palm. I reach over and touch Carlo's tiny little hand, and Maddie just glares at me.

"Y'all ain't gonna be fighting over my baby. Now, Madison, you've had him for a whole half hour. Give him to Demi now." Dallas mediates between us. "He's a baby, not a toy Madison. Don't be stingy with him."

Maddie sighs irritably and hands Carlo over to me. He keeps sleeping quietly. I brush my finger along his tiny little nose. "Maddie, go find mommy down in the cafeteria. I need to talk to Dallas about something." I kiss Carlo on his forehead and wave Madison out the door. She stands up and stomps to the door.

"I'm NOT a baby! I hate when you guys treat me like this!" She stomps her foot down on the floor again and crosses her arms. "You guys are so mean to me! You know mommy doesn't like when you guys are mean to me!"

"You're NINE. Now get out like Demi told you and go find mom. And don't come back until we say you can come back. Now go tell mom that one." Dallas does a good job of yelling at her without actually having to raise her voice. Maddie rolls her eyes and leaves the room like we told her. "Damn, if Carlo ever has as smart a mouth as she does, I'm smacking him in his mouth every day. She's so damn smart mouthed."

"I know, but sometimes we are a little mean to her." I hold Carlo tight in my arms and walk over to Dallas's bed.

"Only when she deserves it." She scoots over and makes room for me to sit down next to her in her bed. "So what do you have to talk to me about?"

"…Just some stuff." I shrug and keep staring down at Carlo. "…How do you get a boy to like you?"

"…Why?"

"Because…" I drum my fingers along the metal bars of the bed. "I just need to know."

"Demi, don't be asking me this just because you THINK this is what you want. I'm serious. Be yourself, baby girl. If you like girls, then you like girls. If you like boys, then you like boys. Don't let nobody tell you how to feel, okay? I can tell you how to look, act and dress in order to get a boy to like you, but it's not going to make you like him. Just calm down and be yourself."

Dallas is really the only one that I feel like she fully accepts me. My mom says she accepts me. My dad says he accepts me. But I only really feel like Dallas does. "Thanks, Dal… but…"

"But what, baby girl? What's on your mind?"

"…I just… I don't… I don't know. I'm confused. Like… I know I like… girls. But like… I don't want to anymore. I just want to like boys. I think I'm bisexual… but I have a preference of girls. Is that possible? To like boys…. Think boys are cute… but like girls more than boys?"

"Well, Demi. You're still young, baby. It's normal for you to be confused and stuff. It's normal. And you don't have to figure out what you want just yet, you're still eighteen." She rubs my back and kisses my cheek. "If you're changing your preference just because you wanna be 'normal' and you wanna get married someday… then I think you should just follow your heart."

My eyes begin to sting and ache at the tears forming in the corners of them. I would really give my life to be normal and like boys. I'm just so confused. "Thanks for the advice, Dal. Really… thanks. I appreciate it."

"No problem…" She kisses my cheek once more. "I love you, Demi. Don't ever forget that. Ever. Don't forget that I love you."

"I won't, Dal. I love you too."

Dallas reminds me nearly every day that she loves me. I think it's because she doesn't want it to happen again. I keep trying to tell her, my mom and my dad all that it's never going to happen again. It was a one-time thing, I didn't mean it, and I'm most definitely glad that I didn't actually do it. I just fell off for a moment there. I won't do it again. No matter how many times I stress that, my family still lives with the fear that I'll do it again. It's a shame how I almost had to do something like that in order to get them to accept me. It's really a disgrace.

"Your phone's ringing, baby." She holds her arms out for me to hand the baby over so I can grab my phone from my bag resting over on the couch.

"I hear it." I mutter and hand Carlo to his mother, getting up off the bed. I grab my phone and check it. I don't recognize this number… whatever. I'll answer it anyway. I slide my finger across the screen to answer it and put it to my ear. "Hello?" I say in that fake "I'm the nicest person ever" voice that we all use when talking to strangers.

"Demi? It's Selena…"

"Oh…. Hey, Selena. What's up?"

"Nothing… I uh… left my book in your car. Is it okay if I drive up to Oceanside to grab it? I'm trying to do my homework and I can't…"

"Oh! No problem… of course you can. Um… just call me when you get into Oceanside. I'll give you directions to my house."

"Okay… thank you."

"No problem."