The climb to the mountain was long and hard and extremely boring. Link had to kill a few squirrels on the way just to make something happen. When he did finally reach the border, where the grass grew lightly frosted and the air grew bitch-cold, he realised just how unique and wonderful this gam- uh, world, really was. Feeling nice and warm from the effects of his Hot MEAT Dish, Link happily ran to the water's edge, feeling thirsty. The moment he dipped his hand in, however, his entire body froze and he fell backward, the ice covering his body breaking upon impact. Breathing in a gulp of air, Link rubbed his hand in an attempt to warm it up. The entire appendage had turned black from extremely-quick acting frostbite, which was apparently a thing now, and Link whimpered as he ran his other hand over it, not feeling anything. He tried hitting it into the ground but still felt nothing. So of course he tried stabbing it with his sword, and though he felt nothing the hand did come off, black blood squirting forth. Link screamed and quickly wolfed down a baked apple, two toasted shrooms and a chicken drumstick. Within seconds his hand grew back. "This food thing is really quite amazing. I'm surprised the monsters haven't discovered it. They would be so annoying to kill if they kept regenerating their health."
Just you wait until Master Mode.
"Huh?"
Nothing.
Now that Link knew he couldn't swim across the river, he looked up the embankment to see a suspiciously fragile-looking wooden bridge. Moving closer, he saw the remnants of a few guardians who had obviously fallen into the river.
"Well, this really does not look safe." He mused aloud.
Well, it's your only choice. Unless you had some kind of way to freeze the water into tall pillars that you could leap across. That would be helpful.
"It would." Link agreed. "But we're never going to get something like that, so- hold on, how am I supposed to cross this bridge? The front half is broken!" Indeed, the end closest to Link had collapsed into the water, though thankfully a convenient metal door rested on the middle section. Link frowned as he wondered how exactly it had gotten there, but decided not to look a gift Epona in the mouth, using his magnet to bring the bridge forward.
Nice thinking, using the door to- to… uh, what are you doing?
Link brought the door down next to his feet, stepping on. "I'm going to lift up the back end and catapult myself over."
That… you can't do that!
"Why not?"
Because… because… oh, I suppose you could. It's just not how most people would, I suppose.
"Well, I'm not 'most people.'" Link grumbled as he did as he said he would, flying the back end up and shooting through the air, crashing into the ground on the other side and snapping his collarbone and left arm. Two shrooms later, he was on his way up the icy cold mountain.
o0o
Keh Namut shrine looked just like all the others; a stony, mishappen erection. After listening to a few low metallophone-accompanied moans by the monk, Link headed over to the stone dripper thing.
It's a distiller. Quite the technological feat, actually.
"Yeah, whatever. It plays high-octave piano notes and cums on my tablet. Just gross, if you ask me."
Ugh, you are disgusting.
"Hey, do you reckon if I came on the tablet it would-"
NO.
"Shame." Link took his tablet back to see what he had been given. Cryonis. Of course he had.
Using the icy pillars – these people really loved pillars – to navigate the shrine, it took Link only a minute to reach the monk's shrine thingo.
"My, you got here quick." The monk grumbled.
"Yeah, well, it was a stupid challenge. Really easy, actually."
"It was? I… I thought it was quite hard. My husband had trouble doing it."
"Well, your husband is an idiot."
"Hey, that's not very-"
"And what kind of name is 'Keh Namut,' anyway?"
"Well it's… it's just the name my parents-"
"'Keh' is the sound you make when you lose a game of cards. "Ah well, Keh." I mean, your parents must have been idiots to call you 'Keh.' Stupid, stupid name!"
"Stop it, stop being mean to me!"
"You just sit here in your shrine all day, chillin', while I'm out there in the cold actually chilling. Why the hell would you build a shrine here?"
"To test the strength of the Hero!"
"Well, this Hero has had enough. Give me the goddess-damn spirit orb and get out of here." The monk was crying at this point, but Link just held out his hand, so it ripped it out of its chest and placed it gingerly into Link's palm. "Good, you stupid Monk. Get stuffed, go!"
"Y-yes Hero..." The monk sniffed as he faded away.
Well that was just mean.
"Yeah, well, I wanna get things done around here." Link growled as he ripped open his chest with a sword and stuffed the spirit orb in, then waited to be transported out. Nothing happened, and Link began to bleed rather profusely. Soon a few intestines flopped out, as did his liver, and soon he fell to the floor, gasping for breath but chocking on blood.
Well now look what you've goon and done.
Link could only gurgle in response as he reached into his pack and grabbed a… a… nothing. He had no food left. Uh oh. His grip weakened as he continued to search desperately around, finding only shards of amber and bits of bokoblin.
Serves you right, really. You shouldn't have been mean to that monk.
"I… c-can't… s-s-sorr… sorry..." Link gasped before his heart exploded and his vision began to fade.
"What was that? You're sorry?" The monk asked as he reappeared. Lying in his pool of blood, Link only managed to hear half of the sentence before his hearing stopped, but he nodded until his muscles refused to respond.
"Good, I'm glad to hear it. Hope you learned a lesson today." The monk waved his hand and Link appeared back outside, heart reformed and chest closed. Link gasped in great lungfuls of air, drinking in the crisp chill as he coughed and scrambled up. "You stupid monk!" Link shouted. "Bloody little… stupid..." He ran out of words to say and so he kicked the shrine, succeeding only in hurting his foot. What a terrible day, and a sorry chapter of his life. The only thing that could possibly make it worse would be if-
"Hoe!" Shouted a voice. Crap.
The old man sailed down on his stupid little paraglider, landing right next to Link, groin-first. Link moaned and pushed him away as the man put away the paraglider.
"Well, looks like you have now acquired all of the Spirit Orbs from the shrines on this plateau. Oho ho! Extraordinary! What a lusciously exquisite boy you are. And that means..." The old man leaned in close enough for Link to smell his suspiciously salty breath. "It is finally time..."
"T-time for what?" Link nervously inquired.
"Time for me to tell you everything. But first..." He turned away, bending down to show Link his butt which he had sewed a map of the plateau to. "Here I've drawn the four points. Now, imagine there's an 'X' where those points intersect."
"Alright, I see."
"I want you to push your finger against that X."
"What? No, I'm not doing that!"
"No? Why not? I'd really like it if you did!"
"No, go away. I'm going to the temple, meet you there when you're done."
"Fine then, I'll finger the X myself!" The man grumbled.
"Marvelous, just don't tell me about it." And with that, Link was gone.
And no matter how the man tried, it just wasn't the same without someone else doing it.
o0o
Upon arriving at the temple, Link remembered the whole incident with the shrine and the destruction. Looking around, he saw the man staring in dismay at the ruins. "How in all of Hyrule did this happen!?" The man cried.
"Well you see, there was this shrine, and it… uh..."
The man stared at him. Link shuffled and changed his story. "It was… like this when I got here?"
"Hrm… well anyway, let's just get on with things. Pretend we're in a tell, imposing tower with a fantastic view."
"Sure."
"And a big comfy bed."
"No way."
"Bother. Well, I tried. Anyway…" His face darkened, and he began speaking in a strange language called English, in studio-recorded voice. "Now then, the time has come for me to show you who I really am. I am King blasphemous… no, that isn't right. King basphor… Blasem... uh… just call me King Rhoam. Now, let me tell you about what happened a while ago." He pulled out a projector, and an old film began.
"Hello! I am an English Gentleman, and I'm here to tell you all about Calamity Ganon! Here we see a giant cloud of dark purple death. This is Ganon. Ganon is not a very happy man-beast. He wants to rule the land and destroy everything for some reason! What a silly little man-beast! Now, here we have some giant robots. We call these; Divine Beasts! They were made to combat Calamity Ganon, but just wait… look, here's Ganon taking them over! What a clever little man-beast. Now here are four warriors who are apparently skilled getting absolutely destroyed by some tiny Ganonlings! Naughty little man-beast! Oh, and here's a little girl shooting laser beams at Ganon!"
That's me! Hello, me!
"Go, little girl! Go! Oh, and there's Ganon receding into his egg sac to hide! Cowardly little man-beast!" Well, that's about it for the story, folks. See ya next time on; Hyrule Happenings!"
The tape finished, and King Rhoam turned to Link. "Does that answer all of your questions?"
"Uh… not really. But sure."
"Wonderful. Now, it would be reckless to head directly to the castle, so go see my old friend Impa. Fantastic hips. Not as good as yours, but-"
"Shut up and give me that paraglider."
"Fine, fine. Here, as I promised." He handed it over and Link snatched it."
"Now, you should be able to-" Link ran through the ghost-king and kept going until the reached the end. "I don't care, leave me alone!" He shouted. King Rhoam slumped his shoulders. "Are you sure you don't want to be my queen? I mean, you'll be Zelda's mum which would be strange since she's totally in love with you but-"
Dad! What!? Shut up!
"What, why?"
I… you can't just...
"She wants to be your wife Link. Get married, have a bunch of children..."
Oh in Hyrule's name…
"Don't you want to put your babies in her? Mn mmn."
I swear…
"Or are you still into fishes?"
Link raised an eyebrow. "I… beg your pardon?"
Mipha? You're… you don't remember?
"N-noooo..."
Oh, well, in that case, never mind! You see, we… uh… we were engaged!
"We were?"
Yes! And you really really love me!
"I do?"
"You do?" King Rhoam called. "So you wanna marry my daughter? But then I can't have you..."
"Let's get married Zelda, quick!" Link cried.
Oh yay! Wonderful! Oh, I'm so happy I could just… ooh, hang on, Ganon's due for his daily laser blast. Oh Link, I'm so happy!
"I'm not." King Rhoam moaned. "I just wanted a piece of Linky links'-"
"I'm so happy!" Link cheered, and jumped off the cliff.
Gosh, that was... something. Talk about drama. The story would have been even better if it was a love square. Zelda, Mipha, Link and Rhoam, together forever (blegh). But hey, we've made it off the plateau! Yay!
As usual, give me ideas people. Ideas. I can't be bothered doing it myself. I have no idea what I want to do from here! (Go to Impa you say? Get out, I'm a free woman. Man. Boy. Girlish boy. Oh who knows.)
Stay green, Linklings.
