A.N. Hey guys/girls….it's the weekend, I have Psychology, Chemistry, and Algebra homework, so of course I'm gonna do the smart thing and write another chapter. Hope y'all like it :D
In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Santana's skin. I couldn't see her face, just her back as she walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't catch up to her; no matter how loud I called, she never turned. Troubled, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep again for what seemed like a very long time. After that, she was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach.
The month that followed the accident was uneasy, tense, and, at first, embarrassing.
To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of that week. Ryder was impossible, following me around, obsessed with making amends to me somehow. I tried to convince him what I wanted more than anything else was for him to forget all about it—especially since nothing had actually happened to me—but he remained insistent. He followed me between classes and sat at our now-crowded lunch table. Finn and Sam were even less friendly toward him than they were to each other, which made me worry that I'd gained another unwelcome fan.
No one seemed concerned about Santana, though I explained over and over that she was the hero—how she had pulled me out of the way and had nearly been crushed, too. I tried to be convincing. Rachel, Finn, Sam, and everyone else always commented that they hadn't even seen her there till the van was pulled away.
I wondered to myself why no one else had seen her standing so far away, before she was suddenly, impossibly saving my life. With chagrin, I realized the possible cause—no one else was as aware of Santana as I always was. No one else watched her the way I did. How pitiful.
Santana was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for her firsthand account. People avoided her as usual. The Hummel boy, the Fabrays' and the Lopezs' sat at the same table as always, not eating, talking only among themselves. None of them, especially Santana, glanced my way anymore.
When she sat next to me in class, as far from me as the table would allow, she seemed totally unaware of my presence. Only now and then, when her fists would suddenly ball up and clench against her thighs, did I wonder if she wasn't quite as oblivious as she appeared.
She wished she hadn't pulled me from the path of Ryder's van—there was no other conclusion I could come to and while I knew it made me sound like she was out to murder me, I had a gut feeling that that was the truth.
I wanted very much to talk to her, and the day after the accident I tried. The last time I'd seen her, outside the ER, we'd both been so furious. I still was angry that she wouldn't trust me with the truth, even though I was keeping my part of the bargain flawlessly. But she had in fact saved my life, no matter how she'd done it. And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.
She was already seated when I got to biology, looking straight ahead. I sat down, expecting her to turn toward me. She showed no sign that she realized I was there.
"Hello, Santana," I said pleasantly, to show her I was going to behave myself.
She turned her head a fraction toward me without meeting my gaze, nodded once, and then looked the other way.
And that was the last contact I'd had with her, though she was there, a foot away from me, every day. I watched her sometimes, unable to stop myself—from a distance, though, in the cafeteria or parking lot. I watched as her golden eyes grew perceptibly darker day by day. But in class I gave no more notice that she existed than she showed toward me. I was miserable. And the dreams continued.
Despite my outright lies, the tenor of my e-mails alerted Kate to my depression, and she called a few times, worried. I tried to convince her it was just the weather that had me down.
Finn, at least, was pleased by the obvious coolness between me and my lab partner. I could see he'd been worried that Santana's daring rescue might have impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect. He grew more confident, sitting on the edge of my table to talk before Biology class started, ignoring Santana as completely as she ignored us.
The snow washed away for good after that one dangerously icy day. Finn was disappointed he'd never gotten to stage his snowball fight, but pleased the beach trip would soon be possible. The rain continued heavily, though, and the weeks passed.
Rachel made me aware of another event looming on the horizon—she called the first Tuesday of March to ask my permission to invite Finn to the girl's choice spring dance in two weeks.
"Are you sure you don't mind. You weren't planning to ask him were you? Because I've seen the obvious attraction between you two and although I bear no ill will towards you I do not wish to put you in a compromising situation by making you choose your best friend over a boy." She persisted when I told her I didn't mind in the least.
"No, Rach, I'm not going," I assured her. Although I loved to dance, I would just feel like an outcast among all the other couples.
"But it will be really fun. We've hired a local band who are very promising and although I'm sure there vocals lack someone with my abilities I'm sure they will still be quite good." I could tell her attempt to convince me was halfhearted when she replied with half of a paragraph instead of a full one. I suspected that Rachel enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company. At least when it came to Finn, I briefly debated telling her I wasn't into any guys at the moment.
"You have fun with Finn," I encouraged.
The next day, I was surprised that Rachel wasn't her usual gushing self in Trig and Spanish. She was silent as she walked by my side between classes, and I was afraid to ask her why. If Finn had turned her down, I was the last person she would want to tell.
My fears were strengthened during lunch when Rachel sat as far from Finn as possible, chatting animatedly with Sam. Finn was unusually quiet.
Finn was still quiet as he walked me to class, the uncomfortable look on his face a bad sign. But he didn't broach the subject until I was in my seat and he was perched on my desk. As always, I was electrically aware of Santana sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if she were merely in invention of my imagination.
"So," Finn said, looking at the floor, "Rachel asked me to the spring dance."
"That's great." I made my voice bright and enthusiastic. "You'll have a lot of fun with Rachel."
Well…." He floundered as he examined my smile, clearly not happy with my response. "I told her I had to think about it."
"Why would you do that?" I let disapproval color my tone, though I was relieved he hadn't given her an absolute no.
His face was bright red as he looked down again. Pity shook my resolve when he looked back up with those puppy dog eyes.
"I was wondering if…well, if you might be planning to ask me."
I paused for a moment, hating the wave of gilt that swept through me. But I saw, from the corner of my eye, Santana's head tilt reflexively in my direction.
"Finn, I think you should tell her yes," I said.
"Did you already ask someone or did you...did you get asked already" Did Santana notice how Finn's eyes flickered in her direction?
"No," I assured him. "I'm not going to the dance at all."
"Why not?" Finn demanded.
I didn't want to get into my pathetic feelings of being left out, so I quickly made new plans.
"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," I explained. I needed to get out of town anyway—it was suddenly the perfect time to go.
"Can't you go some other weekend?"
"Sorry, no," I said. "So you shouldn't make Rach wait any longer—it's rude."
"Yeah, you're right," he mumbled, and turned, dejected, to walk back to his seat. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head. Mrs. Weishalla began talking. I sighed and opened my eyes.
And Santana was staring at me curiously, the same, familiar edge of frustration even more distinct now in her black eyes.
I stared back, surprised, expecting her to look quickly away. But instead she continued to gaze with probing intensity into my eyes. There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.
"Miss. Lopez?" the teacher called, seeking answer to a question that I hadn't heard.
"The Krebs Cycle," Santana answered, seeming reluctant as she turned to look at Mrs. Weishalla.
I looked down at my book as soon as her eyes released me, trying to find my place. Cowardly as ever, I shifted my hair over my right shoulder to hide my face. I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me—just because she's happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks. I couldn't allow her to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.
I tried very hard not to be aware of her for the rest of the hour, and, since that was impossible, at least not to let her know that I was aware of her. When the bell rang at last, I turned my back to her to gather my things, expecting her to leave immediately as usual.
"Brittany?" her voice shouldn't have been so familiar to me, as if I'd known the sound of it my whole life rather than for just a few short weeks.
I turned slowly, unwillingly. I didn't want to feel what I knew I would feel when I looked at her too-perfect face. My expression was wary when I finally turned to her; her expression was unreadable. She didn't say anything.
"What? Are you speaking to me again?" I finally asked, an unintentional note of petulance in my voice.
Her lips twitched, fighting a smile. "No, not really," she admitted.
I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. I was so annoyed by her but at the same time I wanted to do anything to get her to smile at me. She waited while I tried to sort out my emotions that were surely playing across my face.
"Then what do you want, Santana?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to her coherently that way.
"I'm sorry." She sounded sincere. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."
I opened my eyes. Her face was very serious.
"I don't know what you mean," I said, my voice guarded.
"It's better if we're not friends," she explained. "Trust me."
My eyes narrowed. I'd heard that before.
"You know when people say that they should actually follow through with what they add it to. It's too bad you didn't figure all this out earlier," I hissed through my teeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."
"Regret?" The word, and my tone, obviously caught her off guard. "Regret for what?"
"For not just letting that stupid van squish me."
She was astonished, staring at me in disbelief.
When she finally spoke, she almost sounded mad. "You think I regret saving your life?"
"I know you do," I snapped.
"You don't know anything." She was definitely mad.
"Then enlighten me" I dared her, looking into those now black eyes.
She didn't reply only swallowed and looked away towards Mrs. Weishalla getting ready for her next class with a fuming expression. I turned my head sharply away from her, clenching my jaw against all the wild accusations I wanted to hurl at her. I gathered my books together, then stood and walked to the door. I meant to sweep dramatically out of the room, but of course I caught the toe of my boot on the doorjamb and dropped my books. I stood there for a moment, thinking about leaving them. Then I sighed and bent to pick them up. She was already there and had them stacked into a pile. She handed them to me, her face hard.
"Thank you," I said icily.
Her eyes narrowed.
"You're welcome," she retorted.
I straightened up swiftly, turned away from her again, and stalked off to Gym without looking back.
Gym was brutal. We'd moved on to basketball and people always assumed that because of my height I was amazing at this sport when in reality it was one of the few I actually sucked at. Today I was worse than usual because my head was so filled with Santana. I tried to concentrate but she kept creeping back into my thoughts just when I really needed to focus.
For once it was a relief to leave. I almost ran to the truck; there were just so many people I wanted to avoid. The truck had suffered only minimal damage in the accident. I had to replace the taillights, and if I'd had a real paint job, I would have touched that up. Ryder's parents had to sell their van for parts.
I almost had a stroke when I rounded the corner and saw a figure leaning against the side of my truck. Then I realized it was just Sam. I started walking again.
"Hey Sam," I called.
"Hi, Brittany."
"What's up?" I said as I was unlocking the door. I wasn't paying attention to the uncomfortable edge in his voice, so his next words took me by surprise.
"Uh, I was just wondering…if you would go to the spring dance with me?" His voice broke on the last word.
"I thought it was girl's choice," I said, too startled to be diplomatic.
"Well, yeah," he admitted, shamefaced.
I recovered my composure and tried to make my smile warm. "Thank you for asking me, but I'm going to be in Seattle that day."
"Oh," he said. "Well, maybe next time."
"Sure," I agreed, and then bit my lip. I wouldn't want him to take that too literally.
He slouched off, back toward the school. I heard a low chuckle.
Santana was walking past the front of my truck, looking straight forward, her lips pressed together. I yanked the door open and jumped inside, slamming it loudly behind me. I revved the engine deafeningly and reversed out into the aisle. Santana was in her car already, two spaces down, sliding out smoothly in front of me, cutting me off. She stopped there—to wait for her family; I could see the four of them walking this way, but still by the cafeteria. I considered taking out the rear of her shiny Mustang, but there were too many witnesses. I looked in my rearview mirror. A line was beginning to form. Directly being me, Ryder was in his recently acquired used Sentra, waving. I was too aggravated to acknowledge him.
While I was sitting there, looking everywhere but at the car in front of me, I heard a knock on my passenger side window. I looked over; it was Ryder. I glanced back in my rearview mirror, confused. His car was still running, the door left open. I leaned across the cab to crank the window down. It was stiff. I got if halfway down, then gave up.
"I'm sorry, Ryder, I'm stuck behind Lopez." I was annoyed—obviously the holdup wasn't my fault.
"Oh, I know—I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here." He grinned.
This could not be happening.
"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" he continued.
"I'm not going to be in town, Ryder." My voice sounded a little sharp. I had to remember it wasn't his fault that Finn and Sam had already used up my quota of patience for the day.
"Yeah, Finn said that," he admitted.
"Then why—"
He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy."
Okay, it was completely his fault. I almost put my truck into reverse with the excuse that it simply rolled into his car on accident.
"Sorry, Ryder," I said, working to hide my irritation. "I really am going out of town."
"That's cool. We still have prom."
And before I could respond, he was walking back to his car. I could feel the shock on my face. I looked forward to see Kurt, Quinn, Puck, and Blaine all sliding into the Mustang. In her rearview mirror, Santana's eyes were on me. She was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if she'd heard every word Ryder had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal…one little bump wouldn't hurt any of them, just that glossy red paint job. Wow, I thought to myself, I have got to see somebody about my new passion for destroying people's vehicles. Still, I revved the engine anyway.
But they were all in, and Santana was speeding away. I drove home slowly, carefully, muttering to myself the whole way.
When I got home, I decided to try to make chicken enchiladas for dinner, via YouTube again. It was a long process, and it would keep me busy. While I was simmering the onions and chilies, the phone rang. I was almost afraid to answer it, but it might be Robert or mom.
I pushed pause on the laptop and answered the phone. It was Rachel, and she was jubilant; Finn had caught her after school to accept her invitation. I celebrated with her briefly while I put the phone between my shoulder and ear, hit the play button, and stirred. She had to go, she wanted to call Mercedes and Kitty to tell them. I suggested with casual innocence—that maybe Mercedes, the nice girl who had kept telling me her name when I was still trying to figure everything out, could take Sam. And Kitty, the popular girl that I couldn't believe actually hung out with Rachel and always ignored me at the lunch table, could take Ryder; I'd heard he was still available. Rach thought that was a great idea. Now that she was sure of Finn, she actually sounded sincere when she said she wished I would go to the dance. I gave her my Seattle excuse.
After I hung up, I tried to concentrate on dinner—dicing the chicken especially; I didn't want to take another trip to the emergency room. But my head was spinning, trying to analyze every word Santana had spoken toady. What did she mean, it was better if we weren't friends?
My stomach twisted as I realize what she must have meant. She must see how absorbed I was by her; she must not want to lead me on…I wasn't even sure if she was gay or not…so we couldn't even be friends because she wasn't interested in me at all.
Of course she wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging—a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't interesting. And she was. Interesting...and brilliant…and mysterious…and perfect…and beautiful…and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.
Well, that was fine. I could leave her alone. I would leave her alone. I would get through my self-imposed sentence here in purgatory, and then hopefully some school in the Southwest, or possibly Hawaii, would offer me a scholarship. I focused my thoughts on sunny beaches and palm trees as I finished the enchiladas and put them in the oven, remembering to turn it on this time.
Robert seemed suspicious when he came home and smelled the green peppers. I couldn't blame him—two days ago I'd tried making salsa and had used to wrong kind of peppers, causing him to chug half a gallon of milk after his first two bites. But he was a cop, even if just a small-town cop, so he was brave enough to take the first bite. He seemed to like it this time and it caused me to smile.
"Dad?" I asked when he was almost done.
"Yeah, Brittany?"
"Um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to Seattle for the day a week from Saturday…if that's okay?" I didn't want to ask permission—it set a bad precedent—but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.
"Why?" He sounded surprised, as if he were unable to imagine something that Forks couldn't offer.
"Well, I wanted to get a few books—the library here is pretty limited—and maybe look at some clothes." I had more money than I was used to having, since, thanks to Robert, I hadn't had to pay for a car. Not that the truck didn't cost me quite a bit in the gas department.
"That truck probably doesn't get very good gas mileage," he said, echoing my thoughts.
"I know, I'll stop in Montesano and Olympia—and Tacoma if I have to."
"Are you going all by yourself?" he asked, and I couldn't tell if he was suspicious I had a secret boyfriend or just worried about car trouble.
"Yes."
"Seattle is a big city—you could get lost," he fretted.
"Dad, Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle—and I can read a map, don't worry about it."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
I tried to be crafty as I hid my horror.
"That's all right, Dad, I'll probably just be in dressing rooms all day—very boring."
"Oh, okay." The thought of sitting in women's clothing stores for any period of time immediately put him off.
"Thanks." I smiled at him.
"Will you be back in time for the dance?"
Grrr. Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were.
"No—I don't really feel like going alone, Dad." He immediately started to look concerned.
"Well, isn't there any boys or um…girls you can go with?" My father knew about my being attracted to whoever I ended up being attracted to but it still made him a little uncomfortable to talk about.
"No, no one who I really want to go with anyway." I smiled trying to convey that it was ok.
He frowned but looked at me with understanding, "Well, ok. But just make sure you get out there ok? You're a beautiful girl and anyone would be lucky to have you." He got up with a sigh and put his plate in the sink then kissed my forehead before going into the living room to watch a sports game. I got up and did the dishes before going to bed.
The next morning it was raining, and when I pulled into the parking lot, I deliberately parked as far as possible from the red Mustang. I didn't want to put myself in the path of too much temptation and end up owing her a new car. Getting out of the cab, I fumbled with my key and it fell into a puddle at my feet. As I bent to get it, a tan hand flashed out and grabbed it before I could. I jerked upright. Santana Lopez was right next to me, leaning casually against my truck.
"How do you do that?" I asked in amazed irritation.
"Do what?" she held my key out as she spoke. As I reached for it, she dropped it into my palm
"Appear out of thin air."
"Brittany, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant." Her voice was quiet as usual—velvet, muted.
I scowled at her perfect face. Her eyes were light again today, a deep, golden honey color. Then I had to look down, to reassemble my now-tangled thoughts.
"Why the traffic jam last night?" I demanded, still looking away. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death."
"That was for Ryder's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." She snickered.
"You…" I gasped. I couldn't think of a bad enough word. It felt like the heat of my anger should physically burn her, but she only seemed more amused.
"And I'm not pretending you don't exist," she continued.
"So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Ryder's van didn't do the job?"
Anger flashed in her tawny eyes. Her lips pressed into a hard line, all signs of humor gone.
"Brittany, you are utterly absurd," she said, her voice low and cold.
My palms tingled—I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away.
"Wait," she called. I kept walking, sloshing angrily through the rain. But she was next to me, easily keeping pace.
"I'm sorry, that was rude," she said as we walked. I ignored her. "I'm not saying it wasn't true," she continued, "but it was rude to say it, anyway."
"Why won't you leave me alone?" I grumbled.
"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me," she chuckled. She seemed to have recovered her good humor. I swear she was more bipolar than Lord Tubbington, the cat I had back in Phoenix, when he was on drugs.
"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" I asked severely, voicing my thoughts.
"You're doing it again."
I sighed. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?"
"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday—you know, the day of the spring dance—"
"Are you trying to be funny?" I interrupted her, wheeling toward her.
Her eyes were wickedly amused. "Will you please allow me to finish?"
I bit my lip and clasped my hands together, interlocking my fingers, so I couldn't do anything rash.
"I heard you say you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride."
That was unexpected.
"What?" I wasn't sure what she was getting at.
"Do you want a ride to Seattle?"
"With who?" I asked, mystified.
"Myself, obviously." She said, flashing me an extremely white smile.
It didn't help my already short-circuited brain. "Why?"
"Well, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and, to be honest, I'm not sure if your truck can make it."
"My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern." I started to walk again, but I was too surprised to maintain the same level of anger at her for insulting my baby.
"But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?" She matched my pace again.
"I don't see how that is any of your business." Stupid, shiny Mustang owner.
"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business. And, to be honest again, I really want to spend more time with you."
"Honestly, Santana." I felt a thrill go through me as I said her name, and I hated it. "I can't keep up with you I thought you didn't want to be my friend."
"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."
"Oh, thanks, now that that's all cleared up." Heavy sarcasm. I realized I had stopped walking again. We were under the shelter of the cafeteria roof now, so I could more easily look at her face without having rain run down my face. Which didn't help my clarity of thought.
"It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend," she explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Brittany."
Her eyes were gloriously intense as she uttered that last sentence, her voice smoldering as she said my name. I couldn't remember how to breathe.
"Will you go with me to Seattle?" she asked, still intense.
I couldn't speak yet, so I just nodded.
She smiled briefly, and then her face became serious as she leaned down to whisper into my ear.
"You really should stay away from me," she warned.
With that, she turned abruptly and walked back the way we'd came.
A.N. wow, you'd never guess how many typos there is in the Twilight book. Seriously, try copying it sometime, she forgets a lot of minor details. Also, Edward's a jerk, just saying. He makes Bella out to be mentally retarded then gives her mixed signals, ugh, I'm so glad I'm gay, guys are so complicated and insensitive sometimes…k enough ranting imma go to bed, goodnight or good morning wherever you are
