A/n: Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading? Following, liking, or reviewing this fanfiction! It means a lot to me! I hope you continue to enjoy this fanfiction! :)
After a long day of questioning and arraigning Bobby D'Amico and Craig Bierko, it was about six p.m. Amanda was tired, and so was Olivia. Amanda had a panic attack right after seeing Bobby and Craig's arraignment. The panic attack caused her to shut down for a few hours after the fact.
They were both silent as Olivia drove back to her apartment. A few times, Olivia looked over at Amanda. It was easy to see the sadness on her face. She was so done.
When they arrived at Olivia's apartment, Amanda was a bit annoyed. She didn't like that the squad wouldn't let her be alone. She didn't want to be around anyone. The shame and embarrassment was too much.
"I don't see why I still have to stay with you. I'd be just fine at my own place," Amanda spat.
"It's better this way, Amanda. I don't think you should be alone right now," Olivia explained, her voice calm and patient. Amanda rolled her eyes.
"Who are you to decide what's best for me? I don't really care what you think! I'd rather be alone right now!" The young blonde snapped, frustrated that she had to be supervised like a young child. Olivia chose to ignore the younger woman's outburst. They entered the apartment, and Amanda immediately began making her way towards the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" Olivia asked.
"To take a shower. Or do I have to ask for your permission so you can supervise me?" Amanda spat. Though her voice was clearly full of anger, her eyes held despair.
"Amanda, I'm just trying to look out for you," Olivia calmly began.
"I don't need anyone to look out for me! I've been handling myself just fine, thank you very much!" Amanda retorted.
"Yeah, you've handled yourself so well, especially during your last undercover assignment!" Olivia argued, immediately regretting the words that left her mouth. She opened her mouth to take them back, but she couldn't seem to find her voice quick enough. Meanwhile, Amanda's sad eyes filled with angry tears.
"Screw you," the blonde muttered before turning and heading to the bathroom. Olivia flinched when the bathroom door slammed.
The lieutenant poured herself a glass of wine. As she headed to the living room, she decided to take the bottle with her. She sat on the couch and rested her face in her hands. She felt incredibly guilty for what she said to Amanda. Angry or not, she should not have spoken that way to her detective, and she knew it. None of what happened during that undercover assignment was Amanda's fault. It was Bobby and Craig's fault.
Meanwhile, Amanda stood in the shower with hot water raining down on her. Her skin was turning red, but she didn't care. Tears were running down her face, and sobs were escaping from her mouth. The words Olivia said to her were too cold, even for the lieutenant. While Olivia had been harsh with Amanda in the past, the young blonde didn't expect such a low blow from her lieutenant. Amanda already knew the rape was all her fault. She didn't need Olivia to remind her. She poured more shampoo than needed in her hair. After rinsing her hair, she covered her body with about half a bar of soap. She scrubbed her skin raw. She wasn't even sure how long she'd be in the shower. The hot water was burning her skin, but she didn't care. She took it as a punishment for what happened to her. Besides, she felf the need to get clean.
When she finally got out of the shower, she forced her sobs to stop, not wanting Olivia to hear her. She dried her body and her hair before putting on some sweats. Her face was puffy from crying, and her skin was red from the heat of the water. Amanda was exhausted, physically and emotionally.
She entered the living room and found Olivia sitting on the couch. There was a bottle of wine next to the glass. The bottle was pretty full, but the glass had been emptied twice. Olivia's eyes widened with shock and concern upon looking at Amanda.
"Amanda, your skin is so red!" Olivia noticed. Amanda shrugged.
"Why did you have the water on so hot?" Olivia questioned, wondering what was going through the young blonde's head. Amanda shrugged again, deciding against telling her lieutenant that she was punishing and cleaning herself at the same time with the hot water. Something told her Olivia would not like that answer.
"I'm fine," Amanda mumbled.
"You're not fine, Amanda! Stop insisting that you are when you're clearly not!" Olivia raised her voice.
"Stop insisting that you care when you clearly don't!" Amanda snarled. Olivia took a deep breath.
"I do care, Amanda," Olivia responded in a softer tone. Amanda rolled her eyes.
"No, you don't. Nobody does," Amanda spat. Olivia's heart sank.
"Amanda, that's not true. All of us at SVU care about you," Olivia replied. Amanda scoffed.
"Look, I know you're going through a lot, but you're not alone. Carisi, Fin, and I all care about you very much," Olivia stated.
"Well, you shouldn't. It's not worth pursuing," Amanda grumbled.
"Your justice is definitely worth pursuing, Amanda," Olivia argued, her voice soft. She felt horrible that Amanda didn't think she was worth it.
"Justice? I don't deserve justice. Like you said, it's my fault anyway since I can't handle myself," Amanda spat.
"I shouldn't have said that to you, and I am so, so sorry. It's not true. That wasn't your fault, and I know very well you can take care of yourself," Olivia apologized.
"You know what? You seem to think the rape was everyone's fault, except yours. You told me to go undercover. You didn't double check to make sure all of our equipment worked correctly. You lost visuals on me. You didn't send back up in as soon as your visual went dead. You weren't watching out for me like it was your job," Amanda accused, ignoring Olivia's apology.
"Amanda, you know as well as I do that was happened was not your fault, and it was not my fault," Olivia argued, her voice trembling with both anger and guilt. No, it wasn't Olivia's fault, but she still blamed herself.
"Do I?" Amanda asked, her voice low and cold. Amanda didn't blame Olivia for the rape. She didn't even completely blame the rapists. Amanda blamed herself.
"Good night," Olivia muttered, pushing pass Amanda and going to check on her sleeping son.
The guilt kept Amanda up for hours. Even if she hadn't feel guilty, she most likely still would've forced herself to stay up in order to avoid any nightmares. She had maybe slept until midnight. She hadn't meant what she said to Olivia. She didn't blame Olivia in any way for what took place. Amanda was just angry. She was about to break down emotionally, and she didn't feel safe appearing vulnerable in front of others. Her defense mechanism was to be snarky, so she argued until Olivia gave up. She saw the light go out of Olivia's eyes when Amanda blamed her for the rape. Olivia was trying to apologize to Amanda, and Amanda turned on her.
I don't deserve anyone's kindness. Amanda thought to herself. Tears streamed down her face. To say she felt worthless was an understatement.
I deserve what happened to me. I deserved to be raped. I deserved it when Patton did it to me, and I deserved it when Bobby did it to me. I deserved it from Craig, even though he didn't quite get the chance. I don't deserve Olivia's kindness, or anyone else's. I deserve every reprimand I get. I deserve it every time someone, including my boss, berates me. I don't deserve love. Amanda thought to herself as she choked back a sob. She decided she needed to punish herself. She glanced at the clock to see that it wasn't even three in the morning yet. She stood up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.
Amanda wanted to take another hot shower. She wanted the water to burn her clean. She wanted to the pain of the burn to punish her. However, she was afraid that a shower would wake Olivia. Instead, she dug around the cabinets in search for a razor. When she finally found one, she broke the blade out of it. Her first thought was to slash her wrists. She made one cut in her wrist before realizing someone would be able to see it. Instead, she lifted her shirt and cut her sides. She cut her outer thighs and her upper waist, right below her stomach. She didn't even realize how loud she was crying until she heard a knock on the door.
"Amanda, are you okay?" Olivia called. The only response Olivia received was a strangled sob Amanda tried to choke back.
"I'm coming in, okay?" Olivia informed the younger woman. She opened the door, relieved it wasn't locked.
She gasped at the sight. Amanda had blood oozing from where she had cut herself. Tears were streaming down her face. Amanda let out another sob. Her body was trembling. The pain in Amanda's eyes broke Olivia's heart, and she had to fight her own tears.
"Amanda," Olivia finally managed to whisper. Olivia stepped closer to the young blonde. Amanda let out another sob.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Amanda whispered out over and over again. She braced herself for a harsh reprimand from her lieutenant. She hung her head in even more shame than before, unable to look at the older woman. She was surprised when the first thing Olivia did was hug her.
"Just yell at me, and get it over with," Amanda whimpered.
She's grown that used to me yelling at her? Olivia wondered.
"I'm not gonna yell at you. I'm not mad. Don't apologize," Olivia responded, her voice calming and soothing. She gently took the razor blade from Amanda's hand and tossed it in the waste basket.
"I'm sorry for breaking your razor," Amanda whispered.
"Amanda, I'm not mad about that," Olivia assured her. She grabbed a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some cotton balls.
"This might sting a little, so I apologize in advance," Olivia informed the crying woman.
"It's fine. I deserve the sting," Amanda responded, exhaustion and despair laced in her voice. Olivia's heart sank. She cleaned Amanda's cuts, apologizing each time Amanda winced or flinched. Then, she lead Amanda back to the bed.
"Can you tell me why you did that?" Olivia asked, her voice soft and nonjudgmental. She was so patient with the young detective. After a few seconds, the blonde broke down.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or blame you for what happened. None of it was your fault. I blamed you when you were just trying to apologize to me. I don't deserve any of your kindness. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Amanda sobbed, feeling guilty and a little scared. She had messed up again, and she feared Olivia would kick her out of her apartment this very second. She feared Olivia would take her shield. Olivia couldn't fight back her tears this time. They welled up in her eyes and slid down her face.
"Amanda, this wasn't your fault. None of it was. Don't apologize to me. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly. I should be the one who's sorry. I had no right to imply that what happened was your fault. I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized, genuinely sorry.
"P-please, d-d-don't t-take my shield," Amanda whispered out after a few seconds. Olivia didn't get the chance to respond before Amanda spoke again.
"Please. I-I'm sorry I didn't do this u-underc-cover m-mission right, a-and I'm sorry for being so d-disrespectful. It won't happen again. Just, please, please, don't take my shield," Amanda begged her lieutenant.
"Don't apologize anymore. The undercover mission went wrong, but that was not your fault in any way, shape, or form. Do you understand me? As for your shield, I'm not taking it away. You definitely have to take some time off to heal, but you're not losing your job," Olivia comforted the younger woman.
"Thank you," was all Amanda could whisper through her tears.
"Now, I really need to know what lead you to hurt yourself," Olivia stated, her tone serious, but loving.
