Next chapter, yay! All notes and remarks about Alice in Wonderland and the Cheshire Cat can be found in the first chapter's notes.

Please note that I'm not doing every chapter, but I'll at least be mentioning them.

Enjoy!

Truth in Madness

Chapter 4— Tea Time

Ted's little pizza things are amazing, and light up a buzz in his chest that has him laughing for no reason.

It's lovely.

Ted's lovely.

Really, just everything is lovely.

Though Xander doesn't really like the word lovely, so he'd find a better word for it, later.

The buzz lasts well into the next day, and he's pleased enough to keep quiet in his classes even when they use the wrong word, or when he has questions about what exactly they mean when they say things one way and not another, and if they perhaps meant things in an entirely different way.

Willow seems pretty pleased, too, especially when Ted's at school and gets her the nerdy computer program or whatever she wanted and really Xander does—n't, doesn't get why Buffy doesn't want to play Mini-golf with the guy.

Because who didn't love mini-golf? Wasn't even like they could stake vampires during the day, either.

The picnic is a great idea. Great food. Really great food.

Ted's smile gets kind of strained when Xander greets Joyce with a hearty hug, and because Xander's an accommodating guy he sticks to hugging his girls after that. Ted's smile still seems a bit strained, but Xander's got one arm around Buffy and one arm around Willow and he's all set. He's worried about Buff, though. She usually eats more than he does, keeping up with her Slayer metabolism, and she hardly ate a thing. Might be from the vaguely biting but surely friendly remarks from Ted.

The buzzing feeling in his chest is like a subsonic purr to his emotions, makes it a bit hard to take her disgruntlement as seriously as he usually did. But when it's her turn and that disgruntlement turns to an unfortunate kick in Slayer strength—fair, no one likes school-grade comments, and you really didn't need to be giving the athletically-gifted tips on anything even remotely athletic, Ted must've forgotten that—he catches the ball and holds it up over his head with a grin. Even showing up where the ball was going to be, it was very close to clipping his collarbone.

"Gonna have to aim better than that if you want to hit me, Buff!"

Joyce and Ted are glancing behind Buffy with some confusion, but it's Buffy and Willow's slightly wide-eyed looks that remind him that he was supposed to be sticking with the group, probably.

He tosses Buffy's ball back to her, and walks back laughing because he hadn't even noticed he'd gone all poof to the In Between. But hey! This time he hadn't poofed into a mortally perilous situation, so it was all good.
"Guess I'm re-doing that one."

Joyce waves a hand. "Ah, we won't count it."

"We won't?" Xander laughs because Ted sounds utterly gobsmacked.
"It's only miniature golf!"

"It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party."

Xander giggles again at that and raises a hand. "Then I volunteer my next turn to Buffy, since it was me on the court that obviously startled her. Aren't there rules against that, too? Hmm, does that make me disqualified?"

"Xander you don't have to do that." Xander pulled her into a hug, because that's what she said, but her expression was all with the thank you's.

"It's okay. Croquet's my game, anyway. Just you and the hedgehog and the swoosh of a flamingo through the air," he lets go of Buffy to mime a swing. Joyce looked a bit confused, and Ted's smile was getting stiffer by the second, but he got laughter from Buffy and Willow so obviously he was doing something right.

"But she won't learn anything that way."

Xander shrugged. "Eh, lessons are still being learned, just not 'the rules are never wrong and should never be questioned.'"

Buffy smiled and pulled him back into a hug. "It's good to know I've got friends around to help me play the great game of life, then."

"It's a better lesson, even," Willow offered up, though it didn't seem to make Ted look any happier. Joyce, lovely woman that she was, looked fond.

Buffy made her shot and, happy Slayer that she is, makes it a hole-in-one. She bows to their applause and skips around the castle to collect her ball. Ted, friendly guy that he is, follows after him.

Xander smiles, then looks down, then smiles at Willow.

"I need to sit down," he says, and then does.

The ground is hot, the best side of sun-warmed, and he'd lie down entirely to enjoy it if Willow weren't looking concerned.

"It's okay, I'm okay, I just can't…" he almost says can't see my legs, because he can't with the world pulsing around him, but just on the cusp of saying so he thinks his legs might go In Between if he voices the thought—voicing them makes them more real, you know—so instead he finishes with, "feel my legs. They're there, but lacking in the feely. Only oh, there they're back. Oh, hey Buffy." Buffy and Willow were crouched on either side of him quite suddenly, but they looked like they'd been there for longer than a moment.

"Xander you're worrying me, here, drink some water."

He took a long drink from the water bottle offered to him, and somewhere above him Ted was saying something about heat exposure. Ha. That wasn't it.

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm right as rain! Fierce as fowl," he giggles, "though less of a canary and more of a ca—ow!" A thought, an idea, and oh it was a brilliant one. He grinned wide. "Willow, buffy, you remember that thing? That thing we had to do? Well I think we should do it?" He waits until he gets them nodding, and adds, "that thing with cats."

"That thing with—Oh of course! We should go do that thing, um, with cats."

"What thing? What cats?" Joyce hands him another water bottle, concerned and confused and curious and probably a whole bunch of other c-words. But not that one. No, how could you even think that?

Xander cracked the bottle open and held up a finger. "Only the one. One singular cat. Buffy and Willow promised me they'd help me find one for a crazy relative of mine."
"A crazy relative?"

Xander shrugs. "She's relatively crazy. She wants one cat, one kitten even, but there are many reasons why she can't, so Buffy and Willow promised to help me find the perfect one."

"Oh I don't think you're in any shape to…"

"Oh of course I'm not talking about immediately, Mrs. S, but Buffy and Willow are going to help me get home and rest up so we can go. I didn't think the heat would get to me like this," he tuts at himself, shaking his head while his girls got him standing. "But really, she's less relative and more really crazy, and I thought we'd have more time after golfing in the miniature. But we've got to go see a man about a cat."

"I'm not sure if that's quite how it goes, Xander…"

But thankfully Joyce's face clears and she nods while Buffy and Willow help haul him away. Ted doesn't look even remotely pleased anymore, and Xander's not sure why. They had a lovely picnic, some fun at the mini-golf course, and Ted should be happy to be getting some alone time with Mrs. S. Xander regaining feeling in his legs and Buffy getting to escape her weird dislike of Ted made it a win-win-win.

Honestly, some adults just didn't know how to see the silver lining.

Then again, he considers, those that did tended to mine it for all it's worth, and that's not actually what a clouds silver lining is for.

Ted gave them cookies, though, so that was a plus!

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

"So what's up with the sudden loopyness? Another Cheshire related problem?"

"Hmm?" Xander rolled his head to look at Buffy. "Why assume it has anything to do with the Cat?"

It was Willow who answered.
"Well wasn't that what you were hinting with the cat talk—well, not actual cat talk, but the talking of cats?"

"Oh, no, I'm totally serious about getting a cat. The talk of cats was mucho serious-o. The thing with my legs—no clue. Maybe I'll learn to float. You mentioned floating before, so maybe that'll be a thing I do now. Floating, hmm… not sure how that'll, heh, fly with my parents."

Willow jostled his arm and his left leg went numb. Not enough to make him teeter more than he was, but enough that it was uncomfortable.

"But is it actually something to do with your..." With her free hand, Willow made a loose claw with her hands and batted at the air. If they weren't in public she might've meowed.

"I don't know. Don't think so. Maybe it really is the heat that's making me a bit loopy, maybe not."

Buffy shook her head. "We can figure that out when you're not loopy. What I want to know is why you need a cat? Do you actually have a violent-crazy relative like you were babbling earlier?"

They found a bench in the shade to sit at, one a fair distance from the mini-golf court, and Xander started rubbing feeling back into his legs.

"Naw, not relative in the sense of blood relation, but relative in that she's regretfully relevant to my life right now. How effective an actual cat will be will be relatively easy to figure out once we get the cat to her, but for right now I'm hoping that she's the right sort of crazy to accept the cat rather than take exception to it."

While Buffy got the confused wrinkle between her brows, and Willow frowned and started mouthing what he'd said, he wiggled his feet and stretched his toes out straight, flexing.

"Are you…" Willow trailed off, so Xander waited patiently for her to find the words she was looking for. Give her enough time to get her words straight, and Willow was the smartest person in the world. Probably.

Smartest person in his world.

"…Drusilla? Are you talking about Drusilla?"

Xander snapped his fingers and pointed to Willow. "Gold star!"

"But why would she want a cat?"

Xander shrugged, some of the buzz in his chest lifting. Not all of it, but some.

"I dunno, but she keeps calling me 'kitten', so maybe a cat will distract her. Or she'll think the cat is me."

"I think you're confusing crazy with stupid, here."

Xander shrugged again and gave Buffy a smile. "Or maybe all it'll do is remind her what an actual feline looks like, and she'll stop calling me 'kitten'. I think we should find a stray. There aren't so many in your neighborhood, Buff, but my neighbors let their equipment-having pets out and act surprised when they breed with their wilder brethren."

Willow still looked puzzled, but nodded. "It's true. If you see a cat on Xander's street it's got a better chance of being feral than owned. There are always posters up for found cats…"

"…Only there's not so many missing cat posters."

Buffy's confused wrinkle turned into a concerned, darn-but-it's-cute wrinkle, and she tsked.

"Aw, but cats are so cute. Why do you get to find the cute little harmless things on the street when all I ever get are vampires and demons? I'm not so sure this plan to get Drusilla off your back will do anything more than poke at Spike, but I'm all for poking at Spike."

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Finding the cats: easy.

Catching them…

Not so easy.

Even Buffy with her Slayer strength, speed, and ridiculously good reflexes couldn't catch them when they decided to forgo giving disdainful looks for running away.

When they finally did catch one—grey, white and splotchy orange and glaring with vampire-yellow eyes—it wasn't quite dusk, but it was nearing it. Xander held the cat by the scruff if its neck, one arm supporting its back legs.

Buffy hummed and scratched the thing between its ears. "It'd be neat having a cat around the house. Y'know, I've never really brought up the topic of pets with mom—aside from the near mandatory little girl wish for a horse, but I bet I could convince her that we could take in one of these guys. It'd be good for my health, even, what with the fur and the cuddling and the softness…"

"…And the litter box and the hairballs and the puking and the grooming?" Willow raised her eyebrows. Buffy scrunched her nose; Xander knew the feeling. Willow had brought up very similar points when Jesse and him had grand plans of dog ownership.

"Okay, so maybe the cat thing would be possible if it was cute and cuddly and could clean up all its own messes… like Xander." She smiled and ruffled his hair. "Maybe not as soft…"

"…but much cuddlier," Willow hurried to assure him.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, let's just hope Drusilla finds this little ball of claws is better to cuddle than I am."

"I think we can all hope this guy hocks a hairball in one of Spike's boots. But how exactly do you think we'll get this guy to Spike's place? You said you don't know where his place is…"

Xander smiled.

"Do you remember that guy you and Kendra talked to…"

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Willy looked nervous when Buffy leaned against the bar.

Fair enough, Xander always felt second-hand nerves when Buffy put on her Extra Perky Blonde face.

"You uh, ah I mean there's no hard feelings right? I-I mean with Spike, I mean it was only a deal, y'know? Only a bit of cash between friends—not to say I'm any friends with Spike or his freaky bird, oh no, I'm getting my hands clean of that sort of thing, it's just I'm still your good pal Willy, right? 'Cause friends, they don't beat up friends, y'know?"

Buffy reached across the bar and yanked him close by his shirt, in full Slayer Danger mode. Xander held the hole-punched box steady as several demon-y types rushed past, but didn't hear anything from the catnipped kitty inside and figured he hadn't jostled it too much.

"Let's make this short then, and I won't have to pummel you. We need you to do something for us."

Willy nodded. "Yeah, yeah, yeah you know I'm always here to lend a helping hand, what do you need?"

Xander stepped forward with his box and a smile.

"Need you to get this to Spike and Drusilla."

"You—" Willy stared at him, jaw hanging. "I'm not doin' nothing that's gonna get me into it with those two again, I'm definitely not sending them something living from the Slayer!"

"It's just a cat."

"Just a—is that supposed to be code for something?"

Xander set the box on the table and cracked the top enough for Willy to look inside. Willy leaned as far back as Buffy's grip let him.

The cat popped a paw through the opening, shredded bits of green in its pads. The paw disappeared back into the box, and Xander closed the lid.

"Oh it's an actual cat."

"Yep, actual cat, specifically for Drusilla in the hopes that she'll get over this whole kitten thing she's got going on."

Something clears in Willy's face. He points at Xander.

"Oh you're the guy!"

"I'm a guy, sure."

"No I mean you're the See—urk."

"He doesn't like the S-word, Willy, and you're wasting our time. I'm feeling pretty Slayer-ly right now, and that's one S-word you won't like. So you, box, Spike, okay?"

Willy nodded, eyes darting between Buffy and Xander, and gave a nervous laugh.

"Yeah, yeah, of course I can get the box to Spike, no problem! And I didn't mean nothing with the S—the S-word talk, only I was hearing you're the guy to get advice from, s'all. Speakin' of, you don't have any words of wisdom for your good friend Willy, do ya? Hey, hey, hey, just wondering! No harm meant!"

Xander grinned and slid the box across the bar to Willy when Buffy shoved him back.

"Don't know if any advice I give you will do you any good, seeing as how no one listens to it."

"Oh no, I'd listen, I'd listen real good."

Xander smiled at Willow, cocking his head at Willy. "Isn't it just killing you that you can't correct his grammar like you try correcting mine?"

He blinked and turned to Willy. "Xander don't you dare—"

"Your next deal may leave green in your pocket, but at the end of the night red will spill fountains from your throat. Be wary of the Sheep-faced Badger. Ow!"

Xander rubbed the back of his head, frowning at Buffy. She raised her hand again and Xander dodged back from the blow.

"I told you not to dare and you dared!"

"Buffy! If I had something to say to you I'd say it!"

Willow started pushing them both towards the door, ignoring the looks they were getting from the people and non-people at Willy's Bar. "Guys, this is not the place!"

"Hey, thanks Blue Eyes! I'll listen, I swear it! And I'll get your cat to Spike safe 'n' sound!"

Xander raised a hand in acknowledgement at the door and let himself be pushed.

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

The next day at school Buffy filled them in on Ted weirdness—weirdness of the threatening variety, weirdness that she'd been chewing on since the mini-golf course.

"You should have told us earlier Buffy, but, I mean, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt or something…"

"The guy lost his senses over mini-golf—if Xander hadn't gone all loopy, I bet he'd have continued with the backhanded comments and behind mini-castle threats!"

"So he's a little uptight, last I heard that's not a slaying offense… though if it is, why haven't you dusted Snyder?" Xander took another bite of cookie and shook his head. "Chop, chop missy, can't get lax on the job…. Don't give me the look, I'm on your side here."

Buffy sighed. "You sure you don't have any bit of Xander-advice to give?"

"I can see now why you feel like you need it so badly," Willow nodded and took a bite of her own cookie. Damn these things are good!

"Sorry Buff, control over this aspect of my newfound crazy hasn't exactly happened overnight. Most I can do right now is recognize when it's happening—which is good, as now I can at least cover my mouth next time I try giving advice to a Baddie."

"I just wish you could skip the Baddie advice and stick to the Goodie advice giving. You might not be all S-word-y, but everyone in school's noticed that your blue-eyed advice is something to listen to."

"Huh?"

Willow nodded and gestured behind him.

He turned to look and waved back at the group of upperclassmen.

"Everyone makes a point to say 'hi' to you at some point during the day now in the hopes that you'll go all…" she wiggled her fingers.

"I thought that we were using that gesture for my disappearing acts?"

Willow shrugged, then tapped one finger to her temple. "How about that for your eyes?"

He was about to respond when Cordelia walked past.

"Hey, Cordy, nice outfit."

"Oh, very funny." She cocked a hip at him. He frowned.

"Not really."

"What are you saying?"

"Nice outfit?" He was really not seeing the joke. Or the implied insult. He was usually very good at noticing his own implied insults.

"Why don't you just keep your mouth shut?" Xander very carefully didn't look to see how Cordy's skirt swished while she walked, instead looking to his girls.

"Would you guys excuse me for a sec?"

He admired the swish while he caught up to her, but…

"What's wrong with you?" She sounded annoyed, but not annoyed enough to shrug off the arm he put around her shoulders, so for once Xander tried being the more reasonable one.

"I gave you a compliment."

"In front of your friends, they're gonna know! And this arm thing doesn't help! You're just lucky everyone knows you do it to everyone!"

"Know what? And what? I don't…" Xander remembered that he had side-hugged Buffy and Willow, and had done so to Tracy when she'd measured out enough Potassium Chloride for their experiment, and to Adam in gym class, and to Giles when he'd gotten one of Xander's movie references, and to… "Nevermind that second part."

"Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!"

Xander stopped. Cordelia turned to look at him.

"That we kissed? That's what this is about?"

"Ugh. Even now that you're half-popular

"I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. Besides, it was a total fluke."

Cordelia nodded. Man did she look nice.

"Total fluke."

"… You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes and elbowed him in his side. "God, is that all you ever think about?"

Xander waited a second, two, three while Cordelia blinked, and considered and…

"OK."

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Buffy had to be home at 6 sharp for dinner with Ted, so they didn't hang out long after school.

The little redhead guy and a guy Xander recognized as Cordelia's boy toy from last year stopped him on his way home. He thinks his name was Devon… something like that.

They had a crazy black and white striped Bus/Van thing behind them, very Beetlejuice, and Xander nodded towards it.
"Nice ride." Somehow the paint job slid right past tacky and right into eclectic and neat. Eclectic or some other word that might translate weird into cool.

Little Red Head smiled. "Thanks."

Devon nodded. "Yeah, man. My buddy says you're cool, so you want to hang sometime?"

Xander looked at them curiously, wondering if this was like what Willow had pointed out to him, but Devon didn't look like he was expecting anything, and he'd already given his advice to the redhead. So he shrugged.

"Sure, just not tonight."

"Plans?"

Xander smiled.

"Vampire hunting."

The best jokes were the ones that were actually truth, as Xander had promised to go hunting for minions so Buffy could do her dinner thing in peace—she could to the true patrolling later in the night, and in the meantime Willow was looking into Ted's past through the magic of the World Wide Web.

Devon nodded. "Quality time with the video games, huh? Fair. Next time we've got a meet up you should come."

"Sure thing," he gave a look to the redhead, raising an eyebrow. He shook his head.

"The only ankle biter I've been in contact with is my baby cousin, and he hasn't gotten his baby teeth in yet."

Xander shrugged and went on his way, planning on grabbing up a couple stakes from home before wandering through the night.

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Wandering was cut short, however, as soon after his third (hell yeah!) dusting, he was grabbed from behind and dragged through several back alleys.

It made him think he should actually get on that whole practicing thing, as going poof would be a great thing to do right now. Except he wasn't.

He'd thought it must be a fear thing, or an imminent danger thing, but—well, no, he was actually a bit more curious as to why he was being grabbed instead of killed, being dragged instead of knocked out, being—oh no.

He'd like to say once you see one abandoned warehouse, you've seen them all, but while he'd never seen the outside of it he was starting to think that—

Okay, inside is definitely being recognized, definitely not just any abandoned warehouse, and sending the cat had probably been stupid. Definitely had been a stupid idea.

Was Ted's food drugged? Because that's what he was using as his excuse as to why he'd thought sending Spike and Drusilla a cat with a note was a good idea when it was obviously a bad, bad idea. Bad idea, bad plan, just bad all around. Could he give himself advice? He should. It wouldn't be fair if he couldn't give and take his own advice.

Because there was Spike, sat with Drusilla in his lap, the grey-white-orange splotchy cat in her arms, batting at something in her hand. In his free hand, Spike held a note.

"'Here is a kitten,'" read Spike, "'since you don't seem to know what one is. Make sure it eats daily and is kept clean. Please leave me alone.'" Spike looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "You signed it, 'Not Yours, Xander.'" He nuzzled into Drusilla's neck. "Kept all polite and everything." He flipped his fingers at the fledge holding him, and Xander was brought closer.

Xander tried thinking poof-y thoughts, hard, while smiling dopily. "haha, well you know it was Willow who said it'd be in bad taste to include the part where I hoped the thing clawed you, so, ahaha…"

Drusilla tsked and gave him a stern look. This close Xander could see that the thing she was playing with the cat with was a dead rat.

Gross.

"Bad Kitten. She's Gregoriallise, not an it." She made a clawing motion with the hand holding the rat, and a dribble of… something dribbled down. Probably blood, but oh, no, that was definitely something gross and organ-y dangling down like a string.

Xander scrunched his nose.
"You'll get your clothes dirty doing that."

She dropped the rat and examined her hand, tilting it this way and that.

"I like my white gown, but red is such a pretty colour… pretty."

At a loss, Xander glanced at Spike. He ignored Xander for now; instead he pulled a handkerchief from a pocket and cleaned off Drusilla's hand. Drusilla gave Xander a look that made it clear she expected him to say something. If only he knew what the right something was.

He shrugged as best he could with his arms held behind his back.

"When life gives you white roses, paint 'em red."

She seemed to consider this before looking to the ground.

"But what of the petals that fall to the ground?" her lower lip trembled. "my flowers always die…"

He tried another shrug. He really hoped she didn't start crying, as he had exactly 0% success rate at anything when confronted with a crying girl. Vampire girl or no, so far this conversation at least made sense! "Only forever never dies." He tilted his head and elbowed the vampire behind him when she leaned in to give his neck a sniff, and tried giving Drusilla one of his patented Please Cheer Up grins. "C'mon no crying now, please? Your eyes'll get all smudged up and puffy if you do, and who'll want to have tea with you then?"

Drusilla smiled. Spike gamefaced.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what'd I say?"

"How d'you know about the tea?" he jerked a nod at the vampire holding him and Xander was promptly shaken, growling at him when he kicked back in response. The kicking was probably why Spike wasn't getting up to shake him himself.

"What do I know about any tea!"

"My Kitten wants to have a tea party with me!"

"Why the bloody hell would you mention it then!"

The vampire behind him shook him again, and this time when Xander kicked back he felt something give under his heel with a crunch. He was dropped while the vampire behind him staggered, her knee bent in an unnatural way.

Eugh. Buffy always dusted them before injuries like that happened.

In no way graceful, Xander staggered himself to keep balance, half-skipping to keep out of reach of another vampire when he finally had the state of mind to pull the stake from his back pocket and dust the vampire with the broken knee. He kept the stake in front of him as, despite it being a total fluke, the fact that Xander had managed to dust the vampire lady who was all with the shaky-shaky apparently made him someone not to lunge towards. That was good.

Spike was still all grr-faced though, so Xander decided that he had better figure out fast what made tea so threatening.

"Okay let's just calm down, okay? I mentioned tea because some friends of mine love teatime, okay? She looked like she was going to cry, and now she doesn't, so it seems like it worked, but I only mentioned tea because my friends…"

Xander trailed off, confused, and frowned. "My friends… but they aren't…I don't have…"

For a moment he can remember very clearly that he'd stopped by to visit the Dormouse and the March Hare and the Hatter for teatime, remembered pouring scalding tea down Hatter's throat and laughing when it came out his sleeve to fill the March Hare's chipped china cup. Laughed when the Dormouse scalded her tail dunking her biscuit in. But was that yesterday, or…

No… no.

Xander shook his head. Wonderland was rooted deep, and every time he thought that he had ripped the last bit of non-memory free, or at least reached the end of what he misremembered, he found another piece, sometimes of the same memory, sometimes of something new, always a bit saddened with the loss of something he never had, but did. Of something he wanted, but didn't.

The friendship he had with Willow was reminiscent to the one he had with Rabbit if not wholly the same, and Buffy's brash confidence put him in mind of the March Hare and the Hatter, and even Giles made him think of the Mock Turtle, with his turtle shell and bull horns, as like to retreat as to attack… but even more likely to talk. But talk was good, if confusing, and less violent, but talk also set Wonderland to swaying in his thoughts, brushing vibrant leaves powdered with Something Else on the inside of his skull.

He missed Wonderland.

Drusilla clung to his arm and dragged at him, pulled him closer to the chair where Spike sat. He still didn't look happy, but he wasn't all fanged out anymore, so…

Xander pursed his lips and resisted being pushed down into Spike's lap by leaning hard to the side.

Drusilla plopped back down into Spike's lap instead, but kept her grip on his arm. Her grip was much stronger than it was when she'd hugged him from behind. This close, and with Spike to compare against, she was also looking much better, colour-wise. He was at once glad she was feeling better and wishing she could have waited until Xander was far, far away to feel better. Or waited until she was far, far away, either way.

He guessed the thing with the dead guy's cross and chains and Angel's blood worked after all.

Huh.

Spike's hand gripped the back of his neck, and Xander flailed.

"You'll have to tell me about these friends of yours later, but for now I've got two bones to pick with you right now, and it's up to you if that stays figurative, ya hear me?" his grip tightened, the hair at his nape being pulled, and Xander flailed harder.

It was about as effective as it was the first time.

"For one, if my Dru wants you as her kitten, she'll get you as her kitten, so you better be ready to purr for us real nice. Greggie'll keep the place rat free, ta for that, but what my Dark Princess wants, she gets. We clear?"

Xander squirmed a bit and grimaced. "I'll probably have some words on that when you don't have a hand on my throat, but yeah, clear, super clear, crystal even.. only, uh, Greggie?"

Drusilla smiled beatifically up at him. "Gregoriallise."

Xander blinked. "Girl cat Gregoriallise, aka Greggie, probably also responds to Greg. Inasmuch as a cat responds to any sort of name… Great." Spike gave his hair a tug and he winced. "No, no, it's great! Lots of marvelous G words in there—and hey, there's lots of great words that start with the letter M, too, like Marvelous, Magpie, Magic—"

"Mayhem, Madness, Malign, Malarkey!" continued Drusilla with a laugh.

Spike hummed and quirked an eyebrow.

"How 'bout Murder, Masochist, Medieval torture like the Iron Maiden…"

"Haha I'm thinking Moron, like I'm a moron please stop listening to me and let me go?"

Drusilla cuddled his arm close and ran her fingernails lightly on his cheek.
"Kitten must stay for tea…" one of her nails dug in deeper, an inch from his eye. "You mustn't make Mummy cross, now…" She pulled her hand away to suck red from a fingernail, and smiled when a drop of red landed at the corner of her mouth. With her draped across Spike's lap and Xander being held over her, his blood dripped down. He scrunched his eyes closed when Spike used his grip to tilt his face closer to put his mouth on the small cut.

It was a little like when Xander used to have his scrapes kissed by his mom or Willows mom or Jesses mom, except this wasn't a perfunctory peck, and they certainly hadn't ever used tongue. He'd never had a wound licked, and he'd certainly never had a wound licked by a tongue that was closer to room temperature, and really he just really had an issue with this licking thing they had going on. He kept his eyes scrunched shut.

"Okay hahaha I guess you had a second thing, a second bone to pick? You wanted to talk about? Because I actually have less of an issue with bone-picking than I do with blood-licking, especially when it's happening to me, on my face, and seriously can you please stop!?"

Spike stopped, thankfully, and smirked.

"Hear that luv? Our boy's all polite like, still says please." The smirk fell from his face. "Also good enough to keep us on track, he is. You said to beware of falling support beams, not," Spike shook him hard enough he had to clench his teeth to keep from biting through anything important, "not a bloody pipe organ!"

When the shaking stopped, Xander nearly opened his mouth to ask what the hell Spike was on about, when he remembered. Beware of falling support beams, else you won't have a leg to stand on. He looked at Spike, seated as he was, and his eyes widened.

Spike snorted and gave him another shake.

"Yeah you bloody Poof, I haven't been sitting because I bloody well want to. Left the one church before it collapsed, didn't I? But it's the fucking pipe organ in the next church that leaves me with one cracked leg and another dislocated. Won't have a leg to stand on, my arse. Oi! Wot you laughin' at?"

Xander wished he had a free hand to cover his mouth, but the giggles kept coming. He had heard second hand how the few people who got his blue-eyed advice used it, but most of it was vague or confusing or, or—

"It was literal!" he laughed. "It would have left you without a literal leg to stand on!"

Spike scowled, but the corner of his mouth twitched upwards.

"Git, I've still got one leg workin' though don't I? Shut your gob before I have to use it to kick your giggling arse."

That, at least, got him quiet, though he couldn't keep his mouth from twitching up into a grin.

It faded somewhat when Spike returned it. It was a bit surreal to be laughing with a Master Vampire holding his neck, a Crazy Vampire keeping his arm hostage, and knowing he should probably be in a piss your pants level of fright after the whole kidnapping thing. Especially since Buffy was doing her Mom 'n' Ted dinner thing, and Willow was getting her investigation pants on, and he had at least until Lunch tomorrow for Buffy and Willow to get really worried if he didn't show up.

Spike pulled him closer to lick his face again, then shoved his face down so Drusilla could do the same. He'd thought tongues in general were weird body parts to have for things other than eating, even after Cordelia had shown him how much fun two tongues could have, but he didn't think he'd get used to vampire tongues anytime soon.

He hoped he wouldn't have any reason to get used to them.

"What do you think, poodle, is it teatime yet?"

Drusilla clapped her hands together, smiling wide.

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

So teatime wasn't actually all that bad.

Certainly wasn't like tea time with his (no really stop thinking they're real) not-real, never existed ever friends in Wonderland, but he thought kind of creepy dolls and interesting conversation with a lady who could eviscerate him with a gesture were more survivable than, well…

The half memories of Wonderland, of teatime with the other crazies of Wonderland, all made him think that the only way to survive there was to be the powerful sort of crazy that the Cheshire Cat was.

And from what he was half-remembering, the Cat was actually somewhat more kickass than the other Mad personalities that made up Wonderland.

Xander as himself probably wouldn't survive a tea party in Alice's land of make believe.

He had to fake drinking his tea, though; as the cup was filled with murky sort of swirls that made him think it wasn't milk and sugar that was added to the beverage.

Spike had limped to the frilly, fluffy, lacey bed with help from a makeshift crutch, and was splitting his attention between watching their tea party and reading a book. Beside him was a coiled up bunch of rope.

Any time Xander started looking towards the exit or started shifting in his chair, Spike would casually put a hand on that rope, his earlier threat coming to the forefront.

Xander stays for tea willingly; Xander doesn't get tied to a chair.

Not tied to a chair, Xander has a better chance of finding a way to get out of the lair of the dangerous and unstable vampires. Also, he thinks adding rope would make conversation flow much less smoothly.

Odd as it was, dangerous as it was, and even with gross tea, Xander was finding this whole, whatever you wanted to call this experience, enjoyable.

He thinks he'd probably be much less calm if he wasn't almost entirely certain that should anyone try snacking on him or killing him or generally being excessively violent towards him he'd go poof to the In Between. Oh, his heart still beat hard enough to make Drusilla coo over him, and he was entirely certain that at any moment he'd find himself in mortal peril of some sort, most likely Spike and Drusilla related, but it wasn't so bad.

Relaxing, in a way.

Drusilla talked about the stars and the moon whispering secrets in her ears, which Xander thought was interesting but only understood parts of, and Xander responded by telling her about the dark spots between the stars that he somewhat remembered, sometimes knew everything about before he remembered that he didn't, actually. She seemed to understand about as much as he said as he understood what she said, which was a welcome relief. He loved his girls, he really did, but when he didn't but did remember something of Wonderland, of something he had but hadn't experienced, or made the grave mistake of quoting Alice…

They didn't say anything, mostly, but they also didn't know how to help him when he gets sad over a girl who was and wasn't his best friend, who did and didn't exist, who wasn't dead but wasn't alive, either, and who he missed terribly.

Drusilla makes a questioning noise at the back of her throat while refilling Miss Edith's cup—Xander doesn't care how the cups are emptied when he's more than certain he doesn't want to know, makes sure he doesn't look at the dolls for too long.

He's very, very sure he doesn't want to know.

He balances his cup and saucer on his finger and spins it while he figures out how to say what needs saying. The trick isn't actually that hard to do, for all that it looks precarious and impressive. The Hatter had shown him how ages and never ago, and Spike probably wouldn't be looking so impressed if he knew what would happened to you if you broke one of the hatters cups, or wasted any of his tea.

Hatter had put a lot of thought into making his cups just the right sort of cracked and broken.

"Have you ever missed someone who never existed before?"

Drusilla shook her finger at him. "Little Alice has missed her chance at tea. Shoo, shoo! Banish her to the far corner of your thoughts 'till she has learned her manners!"

Spike put down his book.

"Alice? Thought she was who you were looking for when you were all furry, before?"

"I dressed up as the Cheshire Cat for Halloween, and I still remember Wonderland and Alice because of it. From the book?"

Spike snorts. "You think I don't know Alice in Wonderland?"

"Well I don't know, all I know about you is that you're the Big Bad Vamp du jour, know how to handle crazy people, and probably know how to go about killing people as well as you know how to use peroxide!"

"Funny, funny. When Dru says it's time for you to go, I'll take great pleasure in showing you just how many ways, pet."

He didn't know quite how to respond to that. With Spike, it actually was a death threat, and Buffy wasn't around so Xander's quips didn't have backup.

Drusilla tapped his hand, nearly making him drop the still spinning teacup and dish. He started up the spinning, balancing act when she stared, and once she was satisfied that the spinning would continue, and the tea wouldn't be spilled, she smiled enigmatically at him.

"Someday I shall go to Wonderland and find little Alice. Chew her tongue and eat her brains so Kitten won't have a word or thought left to her. Only thoughts for me and Spike…"

"I'm not sure if that's how it works, luv, but I'm sure we'll find a way."

Xander pushed away the flare of outrange that burst in his chest at the thought of any harm coming to Alice, and grinned instead. Kept in mind that, despite how much it hurt, the truth was that Alice didn't exist in this universe any more than Wonderland did.

The only thing left of her and his not his world was a book and somewhat inaccurate depictions in cartoons.

"Don't think that's how it works, even in Wonderland… though now that I think of it, you'd definitely have a place all your own in Wonderland."

"I fit to Wonderland better than Alice," she sniffed. Xander shrugged.

"Maybe, but Alice is Wonderland. Willow didn't like the end of the book—didn't like any of the book—but it's pretty clear all of Wonderland is in Alice's head."

"Then I'll eat her brains, and you with it, my pretty Kitten."

Xander only had a moment to register Drusilla's gameface before she was launching herself across the table—

His tea splashed across the floor, the china shattering before he had a thought for or against it, and he was across the room.

Drusilla kicked away his toppled chair and came after him, and again Xander found himself on the opposite side of the room. Again, and again, and Xander was on one side of the bed, Drusilla the other, playing keep away with his life while Spike laughed where he was laid out between them. She went left, Xander went right, vice versa, and Drusilla lunged across the bed.

Startled and annoyed at Spike's laughter, Xander jerked back, but she'd caught hold of his shirt and he stumbled.

Somehow Spike had gotten a grip on Drusilla to keep her from falling to the floor with him, and that meant that instead of being tackled to the floor he was instead twisted to land on the bed, one of his feet still on the floor, with Drusilla's slight but considerable weight keeping him down.

Xander's eyes went wide as Drusilla smiled down at him, the points of her teeth looking especially sharp. Spike had rolled to his side and used one hand to shove his face to the side, the other resting on Drusilla' back.

"S'good to see you so lively, poodle. Makes a man proud to see his Sire so spritely."

He only had a moment to wonder (as he distinctly remembered Spike calling Angel his sire, so…?) when Drusilla darted down, and…!

"Wot, again?"

Xander still had his hands pushing ineffectually against Drusilla's shoulders, and wow was it doing things to his ego, but instead of baring down on him Drusilla was now only draping herself against him.

She trailed a finger along his collar bone, up and through his throat, making him shiver.

She ran a finger along where his throat should have been, actually.

As much of a perspective as he has without a head and all that comes with it, he can still see what's happening. He hadn't been in much of a state to appreciate it last time—not to say this was a much better situation—but it was very eerie seeing the darkness where his head was supposed to be attached, to see his own chest rising and falling rapidly but hear none of it. Experience it, but not consciously do it.

The pillow his head had landed on was slowly puffing back up without his weight to flatten it, and when Spike pressed his fingers against the shadowy dark bit where his head should attach, it's ticklish and shivery and Xander gives up on pushing Drusilla away in order to smack Spike's hand away.

The only thing he can say for losing his head at a time like this is that it seemed to have distracted Drusilla from trying to eat him, distracted Spike enough to keep him from reminding her, and while he'd appreciate poofing far, far away, he supposes this is… well, not fine, but it's better than being dead, or eaten, or, any sort of deity forbid, turned.

Spike takes the hand that batted at him and shifts so his arm is trapped flat under Spike's weight. Drusilla shifts his other arm so she can lie more comfortably on him and peer at where his head is missing, and he moves automatically to rest it on her back.

Xander would make a horrible, horrible vampire.

The sort-of hug doesn't seem to annoy either Drusilla or Spike, which is good, because for all his sudden huggy-ness and being Mr. Tactile Touch Man, he hadn't quite thought it extended to vampires.

He has no mouth or throat to swallow, but he does, and flinches away, downwards, when Drusilla plants a kiss in the middle of the dark spot, decides on dirty tactics when she licks.

She's not ticklish under her arm, but she shrieks with laughter when he twiddles his fingers on her ribs.

It stops the licking, which feels even weirder there than it does on his cheek, and when Spike smacks his chest for it, he wiggles his fingers and bends his arm underneath him until he can get at his side. Spike is ticklish like Willow, though where Willow squeaks, he grunts and rolls over until Xander is being somewhat squished underneath his and Drusilla's combined weight.

Xander gasps and finds his voice—and his head, thankfully, though he was finding it annoying that he apparently got giggly after his head goes In Between.

When he was poofing away from Drusilla, he'd thought it'd been nervous laughter mixed in with a mild panic attack, but he was giggling here, now. Again.

He wants to sigh, but doesn't have the breath for it. Why couldn't he have gotten the ability to fly or something that didn't result in giggles?

Drusilla combed fingers through his hair, and he remembered that he actually had something to say about all this. Drusilla flicked his nose when he opened his mouth.

"Mummy forgot Kitten isn't ready, yet. Hasn't got his claws all sharp, hasn't collected all his armor, hasn't had enough time to make his pelt shine to survive the darkness…"

She leaned in and kissed him softly, a cold comparison to Cordelia's kisses. Physically, he means.

She tilts her head, Spike leans in, and then they're kissing. On Xander.

Suddenly their little cuddle pile is infinitely more uncomfortable, and he's got to turn away when he sees tongue. Ugh, he didn't need to see that.

He was in high school, he saw enough graphic PDA during the day, he didn't need to see more at night. He and Cordy at least stuck to utility closets and empty classrooms.

"Yeah, okay, this is weird, how about I go and give you guys some privacy, okay? You know, I have school tomorrow, and-"

"Mummy wants Kitten to stay close, Spike."

"Don't worry luv, he won't be going anywhere."

"What? No, see, I have to go, my grades are only now even remotely resembling 'good', and I, uh…"seeing neither Spike nor Drusilla looked like they were going to change their minds, he offered, "I promise to come back tomorrow?"

Spike snorted.

"Sure you will."

"Promises, promises…"

"Hey, if I promise something, I do it!" Xander frowned. "And if I'm lying it's not like you can't kidnap me again, and then you'll know, but I'm a trustworthy guy!"

"Yeah, and you'll be expecting it."

Xander's eyes narrowed in a glare. "Oh, so that's how it is. Big Bad Spike keeps incompetent vampires around to do his dirty work, make himself feel better after the bigger and badder pipe organ left him with only one leg to stand on."

"Listen here…" Spike growled, blue eyes turning yellow, "you're here because Dru wants you here, but it's on my say if you stay in one piece, you get me?"

Drusilla clicked her tongue and drew her index finger down Xander's nose slow enough he crossed his eyes keeping track of it.

"Bad kitty, kssh, kssh, kssh, learn to lick your whiskers before you lick your claws. Bad kitties don't get to stay up with Mummy…"

Her hand drifted, candlelight glinting off her nails. Xander shook his head, blinking sleepily.

"Wha…" He never got sleepy, and it was hardly… what time…? The bed was so soft underneath him, and despite being room temperature, he was warm underneath the two vampires. "I don't…"

"Shh, shh, Mummy will know what to do when you wake."

He rather doubted that, but his eyes were fluttering closed, and there might not have been a buzz in his chest but whatever was happening felt a lot like a blanket around his brain, and…

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

All of it is weird.

Everything.

His house, people at school, everything.

He thinks that everything would seem odd after waking up to find yourself cuddling two vampires.

Drusilla had growled at him when he wriggled to get free, and Spike had thrown his good leg over him.

When he'd poofed out from beneath them, Spike cussed the air blue and Drusilla started wailing, which brought more vamps to the room, and Xander had enough time to promise to show up for tea later in the week before poofing home.

Why he'd promised that much, he didn't know, but thought maybe Drusilla's shrieking wail had something to do with it.

His mom opening the door hardly a minute later to tell him to get to school made the whole experience even more… surreal.

He skips meeting Willow and Buffy at the front of the school, ignores whichever new swell of gossip had everyone talking to each other in hushed whispers, and found Giles in the Library.

"You gotta teach Willow and me some self defense."

Giles looked up from a book. "What, Xander? I don't…"

"No G-man, I know you're all for training Buffy, but being a Watcher is some big thing, right?" He didn't wait for Giles to nod. "Right, so Buffy has the super strength and super healing on her side, but Willow and I don't, and you know a bunch of fighting styles so you can teach those things to Buffy, right?" Again, he doesn't wait. "Right, but how about one night you give Buffy that Slayer: How To book and teach Willow and I some basic self defense, so that while we're playing backup to Buffy on patrols, or even taking patrols like I did last night, we actually have a chance. 'Cause kidnapping? Not fun. At all. There's a lot of fun-suckage happening when kidnapping happens, and it's just not good for anyone, but specifically me."

Giles blinked at him, and then shook his head slightly.

"Sorry, Xander you just… You were kidnapped? And patrol…"

Xander rolled his eyes, which he normally wouldn't do because he's, well, Giles, but everything, everything is weird.

"Yes and all of it will be explained with Willow and Buffy around, but for right now can we get some sort of agreement-type thing to happen? Maybe one night a week you let Buffy hit the Slayer history books and teach Willow and me something that'll keep us from getting eaten because Buffy isn't around? Or am I going to have to try and convince Willow Ghandi Never Had To Hit Anyone Rosenberg to get karate lessons with me or something?"

Another head shake.

"I've already said the book method will not—"

"Work for Buffy, sure, and maybe not for everything, but she's gotta know what a couple hundred years of Slayage means for her. If I had a book that had a layout of the things I can do… I don't like reading, you know this, I know this, but I'd totally read that thing front to back. Even if I had the actual Cheshire Cat in front of me willing to give me the boiled down version of what I can do and how to do it, I'd still read the book. Don't say Alice In Wonderland, because that is so not an instructional book, and I already know way more about Wonderland and Alice than anyone else could."

He looked past Giles to the clock; he had less than ten minutes to get his stuff and get to class, and he really didn't want to hear another lecture on punctuality from Mr. Crawlyn on a day like today.

"Gotta get to class, but G-man, think on it. Drusilla has her weird fixation thing on me, Spike seems to be going along with it, and I only got away from the situation because I finally managed to poof my way out of it; Willow can't do that. I can only do it rarely. Buffy can't either, but what if you're assuming she knows something about being a Slayer that she actually doesn't?" Xander shook his head and walked backwards to the door, shooting his fingers at Giles.
"Ted might be evil, so today's probably going to be filled with that, but, y'know. Figure out your answer sooner rather than later, so I can start working on convincing Willow that self defense is a thing that should happen, okay? Okay."

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Filling in Giles, Buffy, and Willow on the whole kidnapping thing doesn't happen—or rather, doesn't happen immediately. Not in the same day. He still feels so jittery with nerves that the day doesn't exactly sail by, but it's like he's experiencing it on a skipping rock. Skip, skip, skip, and the rest either went up in the air or sunk deep in the water.

Because it turns out that Buffy killed Ted—human, asshole, great cook—and then it turns out that Ted not only has four ex-wives but he also drugs cookies. Bad, bad cook. Great cookies, though.

Very calming.

They'd go great with some tea.

"Haha, Ecstasy-tea. Ecstas-tea."

The buzz in his chest tickled.

Willow took the rest of his cookies away.

There's more cuddling happening, though this time instead of it being because of bad mojo from vampires, or in an attempt to help Buffy out with uuber-guilt for killing a human, it's Willow and then Cordelia helping to keep him from wandering the school all loopy.

He thinks it's the loopiness that keeps him from saying anything to Giles when he leaves to take over Buffy's patrols—he does grin, call out "Don't get shot!"—but that happened earlier.

He thinks that Willow would like to leave him behind when they go to check out Drug Happy Ted's place, but she can't, and it's Xander who opens the door to the place from the inside. He thinks that he could probably have an interesting career as a thief if he ever got off the short bus regarding his abilities.

And, you know, if it wouldn't make Willow sad and disapproving.

He hugs Cordelia because she was the one who notices the rug, and also because he feels like it. Hugging her is good; hugging vampires is morally wrong, but still feels about as good as hugging any person, but still morally wrong. No huggy for the blood sucky.

He laughs at the thought, and reminds himself that he should make sure to bring his own tea next time he goes to teatime with Drusilla… possibly also find a cross necklace, but would it stay around his neck if he didn't have a neck? What if he went headless again? It was something to think on.

A mystery, if you wanted to think of it in such a way.

He shook his head and checked the closet, as people always had skeletons in their—oh.

Usually not literal skeletons.

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

He feels slightly conflicted, wit the buzz fading from his chest, when it turns out that Ted is a robot. Robotic Ted.

Robo-Ted.

He doesn't want Buffy to feel the indecisive guilt about killing a human man, asshole-ish tendencies notwithstanding, but at the same time…

Hmm. He wasn't quite sure how his thoughts were working themselves out, becaue so far Demon Bad, Human Good seemed to work well enough, even with Larry and his goons, and to a lesser degree Cordelia and her Cordettes, but they wouldn't have a police force if it was All Humans Good. True, Sunnydale's police force was rather lacking, but he didn't think anyone would blame them for not knowing about vampires and demons and the general death-by-Hellmouth that happened on the nightly.

Still, for all that he was so not on board with the career week and career test BS, if the lady hadn't ended up as one of the Order of Taraka goons, he thinks Buffy probably could have learned a thing or two from the police force booth.

Again, if the lady manning the booth hadn't been a murderous sociopathic killer lady of horrible guns and knife things and…

Yeah. There was the idea, gotten across.

He thinks that if he could actually tell the future, he probably wouldn't have been the one to tell Buffy not to worry so much about the people leading the career booths, since, you know, he'd been so entirely wrong about that.

Of course that doesn't help him with Giles, who not only hasn't gotten back to him about training, but is now giving him thoughtful looks while shifting his shoulder.

Honestly, one pre-patrol well wishing and suddenly the S-word is back on the table. He shakes his head. Some people…

He's considering if he can convince Angel to get over his brooding enough for a bit of training—which might not be a bad idea even if Giles does actually get back to him, as Angel not only knew how vampires would attack (being a vampire) but also knew a lot more about Spike and Drusilla than even the Watchers, seemed like—when Giles puts a book in front of Buffy.

It's one of the leather-bound monstrosities that looks like it probably costs more than Xander's house, like it's probably older than his neighborhood, but has managed to stay under both three inches thick and probably under five pounds.

It was a sad world he lived in when Xander could accurately guesstimate the weight of ancient texts.

Buffy paused in filing her nails to raise her eyebrows at the book, then at Giles.

"Um, is there some disaster I haven't heard about?"

"No—well, um, perhaps not immediately, but I'm sure there will be one eventually, but ah, I thought you might appreciate going through the Slayer's Guide… I was informed you might find it useful to know more about, um, Slaying. The history of it, I mean, along with what Slayers before you have been able to do, their abilities and what they've encountered."

That last part at least got Buffy to blink and look at the book with something other than I'm-supposed-to-read-this doubt.

"There's stuff on other Slayers in this? Is it just notes, or…?"

Giles nodded. "Yes, but also translated notes from the previous Slayers. The ones who could write, I mean." At Buffy's look, he expanded, "There has been a Slayer since before the Watcher's Council was founded, and before regular schooling, before being able to read and write was a, er, prerequisite to any sort of work, not all who were called could afford such schooling."

"Neat!"

And, wonder of all wonders, Buffy Summers opened a book with actual interest. When Willow moved to lean over her shoulder to read along, Giles started cleaning his glasses.

"No Willow, I think perhaps you and Xander could work on something different, today."

She frowned.
"What? What else is there? Do you need me to look up something on the web?"

"Well actually I was thinking you two might benefit learning some basic self defense."

Buffy looked up. "Whoa, bog change here. I'm on the books and Willow and Xander get the training? Oh, no," she raised her hands when Willow looked at her, "I think it's a great idea that you guys learn how to kick butt, only it was just last week Giles was all Books will do Buffy no good, and now…" she shrugged, and flapped her hands at Giles. "No, never mind, leave me to my book learning and go show them the proper way to stake a vampire or something—and there's something never thought I'd be saying. Are you sure there's no apocalypse coming soonish?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Okay! I'll check again next week. Just in case."

It took the combined encouragement of Xander, Buffy, and Giles to get Willow to agree to any sort of training, but they managed in probably half an hour what would have taken Xander a couple of weeks to do on his own.

Ghandi may have never needed to punch anyone, but he probably never had to deal with demons and vampires and Hellmouthy Badness.

Buffy called out encouragement when her attention strayed from the book, but she seemed genuinely interested and even somewhat absorbed in what she was reading. Xander wasn't used to that look on her face; usually he only ever saw it with Giles and Willow.

Xander didn't have a chance to bring up the whole kidnapping business, and he wasn't going to mention it now and undo all the finagling it took to get Willow to agree to throw a punch, but he'd have to bring it up eventually.

But Giles would probably bring it up at some point—he'd paid attention to everything else Xander had said, so it stood to reason he'd heard Xander mention Drusilla and kidnapping in the same thought-process of a babble.

Though sometimes Giles missed things when he or Willow started to babble, and Xander had definitely been in a babbling mood earlier.

He shrugs and pays attention to Giles, who's showing them how to break the grip of someone holding your arm, and then an alternative that throws them over your hip.

Neither Willow nor Xander are at a hip-throwing stage, but Xander likes Giles' teaching style; here is what I am teaching you, and this is what you should eventually be able to do after learning this.

Xander also thinks it does Giles good to teach someone who doesn't have the innate athleticism that Buffy has.

He keeps in mind the idea of asking Angel for training, even if the thought of asking him for help was just… ugh.

But it was something to keep in mind, regardless.

But still.

Ugh.

.-~-~-~~-~-~.

Notes:

Ep. Ted: Willow says the drug Ted uses in his food is similar to Ecstasy, which causes positive increases in energy levels, distortions in perception of space and time, and in their sense of touch. Xander loses feeling in his legs, loses track of time, and is a bit more Cheshire-y than usual.

Also, I was NOT intending for the Ted episode to fill up this entire chapter, but there was the thing with Drusilla and Spike, and goofiness, and just yeah.

The 2-3 eps per chapter thing is what I'm aming for, and this shouldn't happen again unless writing takes me.

Camp NaNo is doing well, more than 46k including the one other Buffy fic I posted earlier.

Hope you enjoy, and know that I'm posting this from the wilderness of camping in Canada :) Happy summer! Next time I post should be sometime after the 4th, as that's when I'm back from camping.

Thanks for the support!