"Excuse me?" I said. Except it didn't come out like that. It came out like 'e-e-excuase meh'. Totally unattractive—my chance of success moved down to 1%. Okay, I wasn't being very…helpful towards my goal so I had no right to complain. I scrutinized my clothes. Skinny jeans, jersey, no make-up, no chest.
NO! MY FORTUNE! I must persist—if only for the sake of my precious money! I must! Steeling myself, I smiled as disarmingly as I could (and blast it—the Damned Carrot wasn't affected at all).
"I do believe you've made a mi—"
I seem to be cut off a lot lately, don't I?
"M-M-MA-MASAKI! OUR SON HAS BECOME A FATHER!"
Okay, that was just creepy. First off, I felt bad and all for the poor dude sobbing to a picture of his deceased wife, but really. Maybe that's just who he was, but…
I could give him that much if he hadn't conjured a mental image of my Nii-sama howling Hisana's name to the unforgiving blue sky. I shuddered with both fear and laughter. Oh, if only. The elders would have a hernia (I still have yet to find out what it means) if they saw. And they wouldn't be the only ones. The cherry blossoms in the courtyard would melt, and Senbonzakura, the Seaweed Ambassador plush would fall of his imperial perch on Nii-sama's refrigerator.
Harshly jerked back to reality by a sharp elbow from Ichigo, I did the first thing that popped to mind. I ran.
Which was rather pathetic, actually, because Ichigo caught up with me in three seconds an pulled me back into the room where Isshin was sitting and hissed,
"Set him straight right now, or so help me, I'm going to slaughter you."
So I was faced with two choices; to either play innocent or to clarify the fact I would never AHEM with such a repulsive carrot. Uh, uh, why did I have to regret not paying attention during Rangiku's seduction lessons? Maybe if I played innocent, I'd melt his deep-freeze-strawberry-ice-cream-heart, but maybe he'd think I was a kid. Or if I made an innuendo, he'd think I'm a slut? I glanced around, searching desperately for distractions.
"Oh, look, a distraction!" I screamed, and dragged my arm out of Ichigo's grip. This time, I escaped.
"YOU DID WHAT?" Rangiku, the cause of my plight, sloshed lavender nail-polish all over the newspapers Nanao had placed thoughtfully to protect her comforter. Tatsuki laughed obnoxiously and poked me in the forehead. I slapped the hand away.
"I said—"
"No I head what you said, but are you mental?" the boy-obsessed member of our clique screeched. Despite being an alto, she somehow sounded remarkably like a banshee.
"Obviously she is," Orihime agreed. Oh shucks. Orihime telling you that you're mental…god, I'm a failure. For crying out loud, that girl ate scrambled eggs with sweet bean paste!
"I am not!" I said, affronted. Tatsuki snorted rudely, and Nemu again giggled into her sleeves.
"You should have committed his face gags to memory so you could tell me some tips!" Orihime posed, pulling what we all called her monkey face. Okay, so maybe we weren't exactly normal, but that still didn't give the other rejects rights to call me mental! It's because that I'm short, I know it! What racism against midgets…they must pay.
"Orihime, what have I told you about saying that sort of stuff?"
"Uh, not to do it?"
Sighing, Tatsuki patted her 'daughter' on the head. It was always entertaining watching the usually blunt Tatsuki suddenly turn into a faux-mom. Considering how Orihime was an orphan, it was appropriate enough. Then, of course, my moment of hilarity was ruined.
"And don't think you're getting off on this one," Tatsuki said, as if we'd never been interrupted. Momo looked up from texting her boyfriend, who she says has chosen to remain anonymous.
"You gotta snag him," she imparted, sounding remarkably like Rangiku. I snorted snidely.
"Because the extent of my charms, as Rangiku so kindly puts, is a weird mutation of blue and gray eyes, an onion shaped head, mosquito-bite boobs, and no butt. But yes, I can still totally do it."
"Hon, I didn't say that! I said that—"
"I'll take you shopping at Victoria's Secret, but the small sizes go fast," we all chimed in, glaring at the said Rangiku.
"Ran, maybe you should give Rukia some lessons," Nanao said. She was positively becoming a chatterbox these days, though most of it was complaining about how her neighbor, Kyoraku Shunsui, liked to fling innuendos at her.
"Excuse me, but why are you all so…eager to give me your money?"
In the middle of Nanao's room, a chalkboard sat, having been dug up in the basement and then carried up a flight of stairs. For extra effect, a pair of fake glasses sat on Rangiku's nose. A number of techniques were copied down meticulously by the blushing Nemu, who had the neatest handwriting out of all of us. Let's not tell her dad, 'cause he is scary. And come on, let's face it. She was terrified of her dad. So for her to go to such lengths to do something he'd definitely ground her for and help me win and consequently, give me money? The thought had never occurred to me before now, but now that it did, it struck hard.
"We're getting revenge for all of us," Tatsuki conceded. My eyebrows twitched sporadically. Why they were only telling me now was going to kill them.
"It's because you're the least conspicuous out of all of us," Nanao explained, pushing her fake glasses up her nose. I shuddered. Nanao had to wear them because her steely eyes could freeze all that looked at them without protective glass. It was a well known truth ever since a bully in fifth grade had knocked them off her nose. But back to the point.
"Really? Then why didn't you tell me to begin with?"
"Because you would never, I mean, Renji?" Rangiku mentioned delicately. I flushed. It was too true.
"And the implications of what we wanted you to do too; we want him ruined. Everyone here has some sort of 'bad blood' with him, if you can call it that. Orihime got rejected in front of the whole school, Rangiku's Gin got beat up, he called Momo stupid, Nemu a robot, and I was friends with him up until the summer, when he started yelling at me," Tatsuki concluded.
"But why me? Why not Rangiku?" I asked.
"Because I can't without killing him," Rangiku said, "and besides. He'd never expect a Kuchiki."
There was an inconclusive silence, the kind that makes your skin crawl. I blinked, already knowing my answer.
"I'll do it."
Dear sister in heaven, what the hell have I done? Have I really just agreed to seduce a Yakuza?
A/N: Just so you know, this is Bleach, human version. For all those that have figured out what we meant, please PM us, and do NOT spoil. Because, first impressions are often mistaken, haha, a pun on the chapter's name.
Ichigo: I demand a better translation of my name!
The thinking corner:
Pie: 草莓
Demon-Pixie: Nice!
Ichigo:…okay, what now?
Pie: 草莓是个王八蛋。
Demon-Pixie: 他也是个笨蛋。
Ichigo: What did you say, you little brats?
Pie: I can hardly be considered little, seeing as I'm one inch shorter than you. Demon-Pixie on the other hand…
Demon-Pixie: I'm fifteen! Respect your elders!
Pie: Oh, you are?
Translation: from Chinese to English
Pie: Strawberry
Pie: The strawberry is a turtle's egg (meaning bastard, dickhead, ect.)
Demon-Pixie: He is also a fool.
