Title: Beginnings
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Olivia's baby arrives - but not without complications. Elliot's there to help her through, though. This story is set after Changes and is a prequel to A Complicated State of Happiness and Undeserved.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Her relationship with Elliot is that of partner and protective older brother and colleague.
She gave the nurse a small smile as she helped her settle Noah against her chest and set a blanket over him before she zipped the hooide up around them both. The woman sat a bottle next to them too.
"You can try putting a drop on your nipple," she offered before she gave them some space.
Olivia just nodded silently – her eyes not moving from Noah. She loved holding him. She was obsessed with the skin-to-skin contact of the kangaroo care she was finally getting to do with him. It was so hard when it was time for her to let the nurses take him back to his warming bed.
She'd held babies before but nothing had prepared her for the calm and the attachment she felt getting to hold her son. Even when he fussed against her, she still felt this bond and relaxation in soothing him. It was a type of love she'd never experienced before and it went beyond her expectations. She couldn't believe it still. That he was hers and he was there and she was a mother. But she was loving it. Despite all the stress and all the fears she was having – the discomfort she was still in from the surgery – how small he still looked, she wouldn't trade it at the moment.
She was so happy to have him. She couldn't stop smiling when he was with her and she got to hold her hands protectively over him and listen to his soft little breathes and noises he'd make with his lips and mouth – how'd he squirm and settle against her. She couldn't help cupping his little head – full of her dark hair already. He was so beautiful and so perfect – despite everything else.
They'd been letting her hold him and help with some of his care for several days now – getting his diapers changed and feeding him. She'd been so excited the first time he latched onto the teat of the bottle for her and sucked at it hungrily for several minutes. But yesterday had been even more exciting when in the kangaroo position, he'd squirmed around and found her breast and latched on – and started suckling away. Her heart had about jumped and she'd nearly called out the nurse to tell them – but had managed to catch herself, not wanting to startle her son from the ingrained behaviour that she'd so desperately wanted to be able to do for him. She'd sat watching and listening to his sounds as he worked away at her nipple. It had felt a little strange but she'd been completely awe struck and fascinated by it. He'd eventually let go and settled almost immediately into a sleep.
Her excitement had died a little bit after Noah had been taken back to his bed and the lactation consultant had told her that he had likely just gone in for comfort suckling, not feeding suckling. It wasn't likely he'd gotten much – if any milk from her. She body just wasn't producing it for her son properly. They'd been trying the breast pumps – even the heavy duty hospital and double pumps – but it hurt her and very little was coming out. There was not nearly enough for the NICU to have a supply that Noah was getting much from her in his bottles for his numerous daily feedings. They were mostly having to depend on formula. Still the consultant had told her not to give up yet – to continue with her attempts to pump, to keep her body primed for it and as she became less stressed about everything that was happening, her milk may start to come in more and let-down.
She'd added that Noah's move to suckle her was a good sign. That the contact with her baby may get her body more in sync with what Noah's needs were and start producing more. She'd encouraged her to not be afraid to let her son feed with the bottle and then suckle at her – that that movement and relationship was just as significant. Or the other way around – let Noah suckle at her breast and then supplement with the bottle when he was done. At the very least – even if little or no milk was coming out - it was bonding behaviour from Noah and good news for continuing to form their attachment. She was giving him comfort. He knew who she was – he could smell and feel she had what he wanted and that it was there for him.
So they were trying again today. She hoped if they could get through a couple days of him feeding for her – whether it was from her bottle or breast – if they could prove he was strong enough to take any sort of nipple and suckle until sated, they'd let him go home soon. She so badly just wanted to get him home and to be able to hold him and rock him there. To show him the mobile she'd picked out for him and to get to bathe him and feed him in their own space – not the sterile hospital.
"What do you think, sweets?" She asked him softly, picking up the bottle and flicking her finger across the tip until she got some of the milk onto it. She reached under her shirt and between them and rubbed it onto the nipple he'd shown interest in the day before like the nurse had suggested. "Are you going to feed for Mommy this afternoon?"
He just snuggled against her.
She rubbed the bottle over his lips from his nose to chin like she'd been shown, trying to encourage him to take it. But he just rubbed his little face and arms against her more, rooting at her skin and chest, his little legs kicking.
The consultant had said to try to get him to her breast if he started to root at her. So she put the bottle down again for the moment and stilled her hand on his back.
"What do you say, Noah," she whispered at him. "Wouldn't it be nice for us to go home? Let's get some food into your belly, OK?"
She stroked his cheek softly and then opened her jacket a bit and lifted her breast a bit so its nipple was nearer his mouth and tried to gently guide him to it. She watched as he rooted around some more but then his mouth opened in a little yawn and closed in on her. She felt the gentle pull of his moving lips and suckle. She started the motions of massaging and trying to compress some of what she had in there out for him – like she'd been instructed to do.
She looked to the ceiling quickly – thinking she might have tears coming on but just sighed instead.
"Good job, Noah. Good job, baby."
