Many thanks to everyone who reviewed and to grimdreamer for being a wonderful beta reader. : ) I hope you enjoy this chapter!
-4-
The doctors had estimated four weeks before Hikaru's ribs had healed enough for him to go home. As it turned out, however, they discharged him after only three weeks, complimenting him on his surprisingly strong recovery. Kaoru on the other hand, couldn't help but wonder whether they were just saying those things to escape being abused by his brother everyday.
After all, Kaoru had practically been Hikaru's fulltime carer during that period. The older twin trusted no one else and the younger refused to let anyone else help; even the nurses had to bargain with them to actually be allowed to do their job. Kaoru had aided him with everything from simply entertaining him to helping him get changed, though the sight of the horrible bruising across Hikaru's bare torso, a mess of sickly yellows and deep violets, made him cringe every time.
Their parents had visited a lot, of course. Twice a day, though they received a united stony front; only occasionally were the twins lulled into joking with them and indulging in what could almost be described as a normal family scene. It was sad but, they decided, it was life, and when their grandmother visited she received much the same response.
Apart from family, the other most frequent visitor was Tamaki, much to their disbelief and annoyance. Despite accusations of being a stalker and being sworn at even more than the staff, he had loyally visited for an hour or so every day after school, leading Kaoru to quickly decide that Tamaki was the strangest person he had ever met. Sporadically, the boy would sink into a melodramatic depression at certain allegations, falling into the chair by the door in a model pose (since he always used that one, the twins had nicknamed it 'the chair of woe'), but he was mostly incredibly thick-skinned. Not a day went by that they didn't insult him and tell him to get lost, but he took it all light-heartedly, and eventually, they stopped ignoring him and let him join in the conversation, just a little.
He constantly referred to them as his 'friends', and occasionally, Kaoru wondered whether that was becoming true - were they friends? - but then Hikaru would never fail to snort and say, with little or no compassion in his voice, 'He'll leave eventually', and Kaoru would reluctantly agree.
While they kept him at a distance, was it far enough?
Hikaru was uncharacteristically quiet when they finally returned home. His mother, of course, was elated to have her sons back; she had chatted brightly about casual things like a recently opened art gallery as they drove towards their mansion, eyes welling up with silent tears, and when they alighted in the driveway and entered the foyer, she seemed quite insistent on them going into the living room.
"This way, Hikaru," she said happily, winking at him, a gesture Kaoru dryly observed as being a bit pointless. "I invited someone to surprise you! He's just in-"
"I want to go to my room," Hikaru interrupted. "I'll come down in a minute."
"Ah, but-"
"I'm going to my room first," he repeated stonily, rudely walking off, only hesitating to wait for Kaoru to catch up. After throwing their mother a fleeting apologetic glance, Kaoru followed and let his older brother lean on him to take the pressure off his still healing body as they walked up the staircase.
Hikaru's mood had been caught in a tightly-wound cycle for the last few days; first, he would be limp and listless, staring into the distance, then silently furious, clenching his fists and scowling. Sometimes there would be some explosively malicious outburst, like when he'd called the doctor a 'useless bastard' in front of a handful of his patients, and then there would be a fleeting moments when he looked genuinely upset and, to Kaoru, painfully vulnerable.
Only for the whole thing to start again, a self-destroying reflex he just couldn't help. It saddened Kaoru as much as it frightened the people who got in Hikaru's way, because he felt it was obvious proof of the numerous restless emotions boiling beneath his brother's skin, like rapids of furious lava hiding under a frail layer of rock. And really, the younger twin thought sadly, why shouldn't there be? Hikaru's life had been mutilated beyond repair. It was enough to drive anyone mad.
When they reached their room, Hikaru didn't say anything. He just stood there blankly, hardened face raised to the ceiling like he was staring down some higher being, continuously curling and uncurling his trembling fists. Kaoru hovered for a second before recognising the desire to have a moment alone and saying softly, "I'm just going to wash my face and wake myself up a bit, 'kay Hikaru?"
He took the silence as acknowledgement and wandered into their en-suite bathroom, leaving his older brother alone in their room.
So, Hikaru thought bitterly, clenching his hands faster and faster until they finally stayed as tight fists, his nails digging sharply into his skin. Apparently, I'm in my room, in my house.
It was strange the things you notice when you no longer had the wonder of sight to rely on; he'd never noticed how much his feet sunk into his carpet, for example, nor how long it actually took to get to their room from the door nor how many steps there were in-between. He'd counted them on the way and it had driven him livid to do so, one, two, three, four, all the way to twenty-one steps. He didn't know that, in this place he'd lived in all his life, there were exactly twenty-one steps between the door and his bedroom.
His breath was becoming laboured and he felt tremors spread across his skin, leaving a trail of highly-charged goose bumps.
He… hated this. He loathed it. He didn't want to listen and feel his way around the world; he wanted to see all that vivid beauty he'd never bothered to take notice of before. All he could see now was an immense sea of nothingness. Though occasionally he did catch something, like a shifting within it as something moved before him, and his heart would leap in excitement-
But it didn't change. There was nothing but nothing.
Here he was, in the place he'd grown up, in his home, and it was all so foreign to him. He didn't even know his way around anymore, not like he should. Spin him around and Hikaru would be lost forever, the loser in a maddening game of blind man's bluff, which was set to last the rest of his life. Everyone, everything, was easily dancing just out of his reach, and though his fingertips constantly brushed the hems of their clothes, he'd never catch them, he'd never win - never, never, never!
With his head spinning sickeningly and a horrible greasy sensation settling in his gut, Hikaru lifted his arms like a zombie and shuffled to where he thought his desk was, feeling pathetic. Something hard collided with his fingertips - the wall - and he groped around until he found their desk, a stupidly stylish thing made of cool steel. He moved his hand across it and the first thing it connected with was cold and hard; he instinctively curled his fingers around it. It was only after he had picked it up and experimentally brushed his fingertips over its surface that he realised what he was holding. One of a trio of hand-painted monkey statues that his father had brought for them after one of his trips, a small figure made of stone that Hikaru had mostly ignored until now.
Vaguely curious, he felt around the monkey's little face to see which one it was and groaned aloud when he realised that its tiny hands were clamped around its eyes.
See no evil.
Very funny, he thought bitterly.
For a few long minutes, he simply stood there, running his fingers again and again over the surface of the statue. If memory served, he knew what it looked like beyond the veil over his eyes - a chubby little monkey sitting on a fat pedestal that bore its motto, its tiny toes curling over the edge. There was a mischievous smile just visible on its face and the elegant strokes of paint that decorated the cool grey stone were from a range of different browns and creams. He built up in his mind what it should look like, what he should be seeing before him, what was actually there. It was familiar and close and yet frustratingly out of reach.
And then, in a moment of desperation, he let enter his mind the thought, Please God, please, don't let me stay like this. He felt his eyes sting with a surge of bitterness as he dropped the figure and stared pleadingly about him, begging inside his head. God, God, please, please, please, let me see, let me see. I know I'm an ass but don't- Just- just don't-
But nothing changed. It wasn't even blackness in front of his eyes but just… nothing. That was the only way to explain it to himself. It wasn't black, but a void of nothingness. No light, no movement, no anything.
A dark, vile sensation swept down his body, like when you don't realise that there's a descending step ahead and your foot falls, down, down through the air with a moment of sick, disorientated surprise. Except it wasn't just a step. It was a whole staircase.
I'm blind. I'm never going to see again. I'm- I'm never-
I'm never going to see Kaoru again.
That was when he snapped.
In a surge of fury, he snatched up the small statue again and threw it at the wall with all his might. Instead of a dull thud of it embedding into the wall, there was an ear-splitting smash, which seemed to rebound through the marrow of his bones.
"What the hell was that?" Kaoru yelped and Hikaru's joints locked in place as he realised that he hadn't spun round to face the wall at all. He'd faced the bathroom door that Kaoru had walked into and now he imagined the cowering monkey statue lying among the splinters of the mirror it had hit. Beside the mess would be Kaoru and in the shards would be Hikaru: there, and there, and there.
See no evil, see no evil, see no evil.
"H-Hikaru?" Kaoru called cautiously, and Hikaru thought he heard the soft pad of his footsteps re-entering the room. "Are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" he snapped, irrationally livid at his twin for even asking, tears of frustration jabbing at his eyes. "Why would I be okay, Kaoru? Why? I'm fucking blind! How am I supposed to do anything like before with a pair of fucking dead eyes in my skull?"
"H-Hikaru," Kaoru stammered and Hikaru imaged his face paling dramatically against his red hair. There was a pause before Kaoru spoke again. "You- you might be able to- to see again. You know what the doctor said, he can't find anything physically wrong with you, so it might get better-"
"That's a load of crap and you know it," Hikaru snapped, twisting his face into a cruel sneer. All of his intense emotions from the last few weeks seemed to be reaching an unbearable height, and like it often did in these kinds of situations, it chose to crash down on the person he cared about most. "People will be able to tell us apart now, won't they, Kaoru? I'm the one who's screwed up and you're the twin who works. Do I look stupid standing here, Kaoru? What do I look like from over there?"
"Don't, Hika-"
"Why does it have to be me? If we're identical, why does it have to be me? You just get to see everything for both of us, don't you?"
"I don't want-"
"Well, fuck you, Kaoru. Fuck you."
And with that he turned on his heel and angrily marched to the door-
-only to walk straight into it.
It knocked a string of frustrated swears from his mouth and he clapped a hand to his nose, before glaring over in Kaoru's general direction as though daring him to laugh.
Kaoru didn't laugh. He didn't think he had ever seen anything less funny in his life.
Face red, Eyes watering, Hikaru clumsily groped for the handle and furiously yanked it back. He made sure to slam the door after him, banging it with such force that door seemed to tremble in its frame.
For what felt like a long while, Kaoru Hitachiin simply stared after his twin, trembling and swallowing thickly. He ordered his legs to move, to run after him, but they seemed to have grown roots. His joints locked in place and turned to stone and the only movement he could manage was to continuously swallow, choking back the hard lump in his throat, and turn his head to look at the statue Hikaru had thrown. It had landed in the sink, chipping some of the marble on its descent, sprinkled with tiny splinters of glass that had come away with it. He lifted his eyes to the mirror and stared past the spider web of cracks.
It was only when the door reopened that he jumped back to life.
"Are you okay, Kaoru?"
Standing at his door, looking scared, was Tamaki.
Light drifting in from the hallway made the wisps of his blond hair look like some sort of halo. "I was coming to greet you both when I heard a huge bang. I thought one of you might have fallen or something…"
Kaoru stared at Tamaki in silence. Then, for the first time since the accident, his knees gave way and he burst into tears.
"Kaoru!" Tamaki yelped, sounding panicked. Kaoru's knees barely hit the floor before he felt Tamaki's hands under the arms, hauling him upwards. Kaoru didn't want Tamaki's support; he didn't want to lean on him. He wanted to stop crying, push the stupid blond away and search the house for his twin.
Even as these thoughts came to him, Kaoru passively let Tamaki lead him to the bed and sobbed harder than he had ever done in his life.
And if he wasn't half-hysterical, he would have grimly remarked that it just got worse from there, as he dropped onto the bed, hunched over and buried his face in his hands, as if he were praying. Words were blurted against his will and better judgement, palms muffled his voice, broken by his sobs.
"I- I just don't- don't know what I can do t-to help and it's h-hurting him so- so d-damned much…"
Tamaki, whom their mother had originally invited as a surprise (she was under the impression that the twins had finally made a friend), sat carefully beside him on the bed, expression soft. "I do understand, Kaoru," he said quietly, but Kaoru simply scowled at his words.
Kaoru pulled his hands from his face and let them fall into his lap, where he glared at his sodden palms, as though disgusted. His golden eyes stayed locked there as he said through stiff lips, "Understand…? You don't understand. How can you? Stop- stop acting like such a damn saint when you- you're just-" Suddenly an odd expression took over the younger boy's face, miserable and loathing. "It's all your fault, Tamaki," he hissed. "You did it. This is all your fault! Why did Hikaru have to be the one to-? I hate you, Tamaki, I hate you. I'll never forgive you. So why don't you just- just- I just want you to fuck off! Leave us alone! I hate you!"
His last words rang about them in the hollow room - I hate you, I hate you - and for a long time, they both retained a strained silence. Despite his uncharacteristic outburst, Kaoru never once looked at Tamaki but instead scrunched his eyes closed and hunched over even more. Tamaki sat casually, as if not affected by the twin's words, though as he watched Kaoru his violet eyes had, for the first time, become hard and stern.
Finally he said severely, "Don't you dare blame yourself."
Kaoru's eyes flew open. "I- I don't. Didn't you hear me? I said I blame you, not me, you."
"I know what you said, Kaoru, but I also know what you meant," he reprimanded softly. "I understand what it's like to spend… every waking moment worrying about something you… can't change." His words were becoming even softer as he reminisced and there was a long, thoughtful pause before he spoke again. Kaoru had started trembling. "But whatever you do, don't blame yourself and don't hate yourself. There's nothing you could have done and you can't have it instead of him. Hikaru would certainly have something to say about that."
"I feel useless."
"You shouldn't. I've never seen anyone work so hard."
Kaoru fell silent. The last remains of tears dropped from his eyelashes and he saw them fall into the palms of his hands. At length, Tamaki smiled and, with a chirp of 'Cheer up, Kaoru!', he casually put one arm around him and gave him a comforting squeeze.
Though the gesture was fleeting and Tamaki's hands were swiftly returned to his lap, Kaoru found himself stiffening at the contact. Face warming, he finally lifted his watery eyes to stare incredulously at Tamaki before demanding, flustered, "What's wrong with you? Why do you keep insisting on acting like- like- that?"
Tamaki beamed brightly at him. "Isn't that what friends do?"
Kaoru's eyes hardened. "You're not my friend. You're only here because you kept butting in and ignoring us when we told you to leave."
"Mm. Well, at first I couldn't help it. I wanted to make it up to you. Do you really want me to leave, Kaoru? I will if you do."
There was a pause.
"…I'm going to find Hikaru."
"Okay. May I visit tomorrow?"
Kaoru looked away. "…Suppose."
Kaoru had a pretty good idea where to find his brother whenever he had stalked off to sulk. Before, it would be either his bedroom or the garden, probably up a tree or at the roots of one, but now that their own home was a foreign challenge to him, it would be somewhere else. Luckily, as he had a healthy dose of logic and a crystal clear knowledge of Hikaru's temperament, Kaoru still knew exactly where to go.
When he left their room, he turned right and strode confidently down the corridor, making sure to hurriedly brush away remains of tears with the back of his sleeve and wiggling a few fingers distractedly at Tamaki in farewell. When the corridor split into a fork, he turned right and when it split again, he turned right again, his footsteps pounding against the carpet in a constant and furious rhythm, as he imaged Hikaru's had. He was in the south wing now and walked down it all the way to the end, where a large window presided over the vibrant garden. Then he turned right one more time. He was now facing a plain oak door that was firmly shut and which he knew led to a stairway that rose up to part of the attic.
Slowly, Kaoru lifted a hand to the golden doorknob and twisted it so the door swung open before him.
And, sure enough, half way up the stairs with his head in his hands and his shoulders trembling, was Hikaru.
Without a word, Kaoru shut the door again behind him so the little passage was thrown again into musky gloom, lit only by a tiny window embedded high on the wall. He quietly padded up the stairs to his brother's step and, equally as silently, Hikaru shifted over so he could sit down. Though the enclosed staircase was wide enough for them to fit, it was still a bit of a squeeze; their hips jammed next to each other and their legs tangled. However, once Kaoru had softly wrapped an arm around him and Hikaru had in turn leaned towards him, they found that they fit well enough.
They stayed like that for a while and at length Kaoru began to study his twin's face. His red hair hung limp over his pale skin, and his eyes seemed depressed and drained, as if someone had stolen the plug and let all his beautiful vividness bleed away. All around his angular eyes was red and puffy. With a stab of sadness and what almost felt like guilt, Kaoru realised that while he had been having his own miniature breakdown in the presence of Tamaki, Hikaru had been crying to no one but himself in this claustrophobic stairway.
Though, Kaoru mused sullenly to himself, recalling his twin's earlier words, perhaps time away from me is what he wants. I would, wouldn't I? I mean… Would- Ah, I don't know anything anymore.
"I'm sorry, Kaoru," Hikaru suddenly mumbled, sitting straighter and giving his direction a sad glance, more out of habit than anything else. He looked ashamed of himself. "I shouldn't have shouted at you. I don't really want you to fuck off."
Kaoru snorted quietly and smiled as he softly bumped his shoulder to his brother's. "S'alright," he told him. "You're allowed to get angry." He paused and then tried teasing, bumping their shoulders again. "Just don't smash the house up next time, yeah? Though it was a pretty awesome shot to get it just through the bathroom door like that."
Instead of preening and boasting that, true, it was a particularly awesome throw, Hikaru just remained silent. Then Kaoru blinked as Hikaru turned to him, out of the blue and without a word, and began to trace a hand over his features. Kaoru stared for a moment, before faithfully closing his eyes and letting his blind twin brush his fingertips across the familiar surface of his cheeks, his lips, his eyelids.
Then Hikaru grinned gently, ruffled Kaoru's soft red hair and said, "You, little brother, I can still see. I can always see you."
Kaoru felt himself crumble slightly, something clogging up his throat that seemed suspiciously like a sob.
"For example," Hikaru continued lightly, "I know that right now you're not talking because you want to start blubbering like the great big cry-baby you really are." His fingertips drifted over to brush beneath his twin's golden eyes and he grinned mockingly as, sure enough, they came away wet with the start of tears. "So predictable," he teased, fondly.
"Sh-shut up," Kaoru spluttered, before taking a deep, shaky breath and smothering his tears in his brother's shoulder. Eyes closed, he whispered, "I'm sorry too. I love you, Hikaru."
"I know."
Hikaru kept his eyes open, because it made no difference, and wrapped his arms securely around his twin's shoulders, brow aching with the effort of keeping himself together. He felt lost at sea, holding desperately onto his most important thing, the only reason he lived, despite the fact it was dragging him down slowly below the deadly waves. But how was he supposed to let go?
He closed his eyes.
"I love you too, Kaoru."
Please review! :D
