Chapter 4

She paced the room back and forth in front of Ranger, not really sure where to begin or how to articulate the wave of emotions and thoughts that were running through her right now. She continued to pace, every now and then stopping to start then finding that no words would come out and her throat would close over to the point it hurt to take a breath. Ranger just watched her quietly and waited.

Forcing herself to be strong and for once not bury her head into the land of denial she stopped pacing and turned to look at Ranger, She took a step towards him then stopped herself. She couldn't get close to him, she need clarity of thought. She took a few steps back till she was pressing against her kitchen bench and paused. Ranger watched her with a slightly pained look on his face. She didn't know if it was because he was bracing himself for what he was about to hear or if it was out of concern for her.

She finally found the strength to begin.

"it all started a about a month ago, I had just paid up on the decooch deal and we had just… well you know and you sent me back to be with Morelli, I was angry and hurt and just plain confused. I did as I was told I went back to him but it wasn't the same' she paused and took a breath finding a place to focus her line if sight on so she would get this out, she found a slight water mark on the wall behind ranger "when I looked at him, my heart didn't flutter, when he touched me, I didn't feel weak at the knees or excited to see him, something changed in the way I felt about him during that whole dechooch debacle and when I went back after….us… I just couldn't do it anymore'

"Babe' ranger began but Stephanie held up her and silenced him

"no ranger , I need to get this out, I'm not saying that what happened between us was the cause of what happened today, im just trying to explain for me, where it began'

Ranger nodded and moved to lean against the wall waiting for her to continue.

She sighed and took a deep calming breath "it went like this'…..

Four weeks earlier

'Cupcake, come here' Joe said in his sexy voice

Stephanie moved out of his reach as a flash of irritation ran through her and her hairs began to stand on end in frustration "No Joe I want to talk'

Joe smiled at her and moved towards her again in an attempt to lull her into the bedroom, she pushed him away and something inside her snapped.

"just listen to me for once' she said and an angry tone: I'm trying to talk to you and all you want to do is molest me'

Joe took a step back and looked a little shocked "what gotten into you?, first you have been avoiding me all week and now when we both finally have some time off together you don't want to do anything, what's going on steph'

Stephanie new she wasn't being fair to Morelli, that on any other occasion in the past he had used the exact same moves and she had happily gone along with his routine and allowed him to take her into the bedroom and have his way with her and it had been what she had wanted as well. But ever since ranger had cashed in on the decooch deal and they had spent the night together things had changed. Every time Joe touched her she was wracked with emotions, she had flashes of her night with ranger, which would trigger her guilt, which would trigger her disgust with herself and then lead her right back to her hurt when ranger told her there was nothing between them and the cycle would go on. She had been taking these feelings out on Joe and it just wasn't fair to him.

She took a deep breath that turned into a sigh and say down on Joes couch "Joe, I can't do this anymore'

Joe looked at her for a full minute before he responded, he took in her demeanour and how she had been acting lately and realised for the first time that something was really bothering her "what's going on steph, you haven't been yourself lately'

Stephanie looked up at him and shook her head "I can't be with you anymore, somewhere somehow, my feelings have changed, I care about you I really do, but I don't think I love you the way you want me to'

Joe sighed and sat down next to her "I know, I know you have tried to, and a part of you even does want the same things I want, but a larger more adventurous side of you wants more'

Stephanie looked at him her heart beating fast and her pams sweating in shock "you know, but you never said anything' she felt the guilt begin to take over her again "you never indicated that you knew I was having doubts about us'

Joe smiled softly at her "because like you I didn't want to face it steph, and a larger part of me wanted you to come round and give in to the part of you that wants to burg life. But seeing you this past week, something has really changed I don't know what, but I can't pretend any more when you walk around like someone kicked your puppy'

Steph felt slightly relieved "thank you, for not making this difficult on me'

Joe nodded "I know you are have it tough right now, but I want you to know you can talk to me about what's bothering you, even though we may not be together, I will always be here in your life and something else is going on with you'

Stephanie shook her head "no its ok, I just want to forget about it'

Joe reached out and took her hand but she snapped it away, a flash of hurt crossed his face but it left just as quickly "Stepjh, I have to ask, is this about ranger, and did something happen with you two?'

Stephanie felt herself immediately stiffen and stood up "I don't want to talk about it'

Joe stood up with her and grabbed her arm "steph did he hurt you'

Stephanie felt the hurt flood through her and scoffed "not in the way you are thinking, no'

Joe looked confused "what do you mean'

Stephanie pulled her arm out of his grasp "I mean he didn't hurt me physically'

Joe frowned "then how'

Stephanie felt all the energy drain out of her and noticed the cycle was starting again, guilt, disgust, hurt, deflation. She turned back to Joe "we slept together in out off period , he came over and I …we…you know and then the next day he said it didn't mean anything… it hurt and I just … really don't want to talk about it'

Joe's jaw clenched "I was afraid of this happening'

Stephanie looked at him confused "what do you mean'

Joe released some of his anger and focused on Stephanie "I always feared he would get to you, I always knew you were attracted to him steph but I was afraid your feelings would get involved and with you once that happens, your just a target waiting to be shot down, and for someone like ranger, he will aim for the bullseye to keep you out of his own emotions'

Steph nodded "that's pretty much the story'

Joe took her hand again and pulled her into a hug "don't get me wrong, this, us ending hurts more than I will let on right now, but if you need me, anytime please call me, and try to stay away from ranger, at least away from him in the bedroom, protect yourself Steph he doesn't function the way we do, he's different'

Stephanie nodded and allowed herself to be hugged, after a few moments she pulled away and took a step back from Joe "thank you, for everything'

Joe nodded and watched her walk out of his house, out of his life and out of his heart, at least in the capacity he had come to know.

Stephanie headed home from Joes house and took a shower, she was angry at herself but also relieved she had finally got the courage to face what she was feeling on some level. She tuned the shower on, did her thing and got out and towelled herself off. When she made it back into her bedroom she felt a familiar tingle on the back if her neck and looked around to see ranger lurking by her bed, the anger came flooding back.

"What are you doing here ranger' she snapped and made her way to her closet

Ranger had his usual blank face in place "need you to do some work for me'

Stephanie felt herself prickle "sorry not interested, go ask someone else'

If she was honest with herself, Stephanie knew she wanted to nothing more than to work with ranger again and re-establish their friendship that had been in tatters for the last week, but the hurt self preserving side of her couldn't let that happen at the moment, the hurt was too fresh and the cut too deep.

'Babe' he said in his usual tone that she took to mean 'explain'

She turned her back on him and stated to get changed behind her closet door, once she was changed she turned back to face him. "I don't want to work with your or for you at the moment, so if you don't mind please leave'

Ranger took a step towards her and smirked slightly "babe, if this about the other week, about the deal...'

Stephanie was angry again "you know what, it doesn't matter what it's about, I don't want to work for you so please leave me alone'

Ranger closed the distance between them and place his hands softly on her shoulders 'babe I'm sorry, but it's the way things are, I should never have made the deal, for that I'm sorry'

Stephanie felt the rejection and hurt seep into her stomach and a nauseas feeling came over her, she pulled away from Ranger "I can't… I'm sorry but I can't, I don't want to work with you I need some time'

Ranger let her pull away, but also saw his opportunity to get her to come around to working for him "it's not with me babe, it's for range man but you would be working with our new recruit and binkie'

Steph felt herself give in a little "what's the job'

Ranger smiled glad that she hadn't completely shut him off "its just a security job, but we need a woman on the job to help run interference when needed, like what you do on distractions but in a few different locations and less high risk, you need to distract some men so Range man can slip in and out unnoticed'

Stephanie nodded 'and the pay'

Ranger sighed "same as usual but will be by the hour and a bonus at the end for the job completed'

She pondered, she could really use the money to finally get ahead In all her ills and rent, as she wouldn't be directly working with ranger she decided it would be fine to do it , couldn't be that bad 'Fine ill do it, who is the new recruit' she asked curious

Ranger smiled "my brother Marcus'