Chapter 4
Tori rested her heavy head on her limp arms that were resting on the bed in front of her, Kanae lying there with the IV drip still in her arm. Tori had been there for an hour already, having gone to visit the girl like she'd promised her she would. The one hour was dragging at her and she didn't want to leave until she knew that Kanae knew that she had been there beside her and had kept her promise. After all, her promises were meant to be kept. Promises anyone made were meant to be kept.
So why couldn't Kai keep his promise to her?
She shook her head of that, shutting her eyes tight as she attempted ridding herself of such more thoughts of him. She really didn't want to think about him for a while but at the same time such an action was almost impossible. She attempted distracting herself by watching the suffering girl in front of her but that only reminded her even more of Kai. It reminded her that he was probably lying at home or out somewhere carrying a heavy physical and internal pain that he just refused to tend to.
He loved her didn't he? So why couldn't he keep his promise to her? At what point had she failed him so much that he felt he couldn't fulfill his promise to her? She still kept the promise she had with him, she kept it and she thought about it every single day and as much as it pained her she still never questioned it or went against it…so why was his promise to her any different?
Her unhelpful and inescapable train of thoughts was interrupted for the first time, something small, soft and gently touching her hand that lay on the bed. She looked at her hand, tracing the small hand on her own all the way to its weak owner. The auburn haired girl stood up in a hurry, taking a light grip on the child's hand, "Hey…are you okay?" she asked with plenty of concern in her eyes.
Sparkling green eyes actually smiled through the weakness, holding brightness in them that without the girl's face actually moving much, you could tell she was thinking positively, "I'm fine." She replied in a whisper.
Concern overtook Tori completely by now like she always did when in a situation like this, "You want me to get you something? A drink? Something to eat? A nurse for help?" she asked frantically.
Kanae's eyes fluttered closed and she finally smiled, being unable to keep her eyes open while she smiled due to her lack of strength, "I'm fine." She repeated. She sometimes did that. The medication always made her extremely drowsy and affected her power of speech, her young tiny and immature body being unable to take such strong medications which caused her to repeat her own words at times.
Carefully Tori placed her hand out, using just her index finger to brush aside a strand of hair in the young child's face, being sure not to scare or hurt the overly fragile human being.
With this one move she noticed something. She treated Kai with the same caution, treating him as though he were just as fragile. And she always did it, not just when he was ill but she did it always. Was this the reason why he couldn't fulfill his promise, because she pushed him away by treating him as though he were as fragile as a porcelain doll? Was it all really a mistake, or was it a blessing on his behalf and he just didn't notice it?
---That Evening---
Tori sat down on a bench in the park, her pale tear stained face being covered by her hands for a moment. She sat back, gripping tightly at the bag in her hands, her grip increasing as she stared up uninterestingly at the sky. She glanced over to a kitten that walked out from a few bushes and Tori's bright brown eyes met the large eyes of the kitten at which the feline hissed at her coldly. She shuddered at that and shook her head once the cat just walked off again. She got up weakly, sweeping her hair back neatly into a nice bun as she began walking in the direction of the apartment.
It took her a while to get her since she'd opted to take her time, stopping once to go to the grocer to buy some coffee for Kai, since by now she knew full well that Kai without coffee wasn't very good. She'd bought herself some chocolate and ice-cream, people thinking of her as strange probably since it was rather cold out. That was the one factor that had brought her to pick up the pace, the fact that it had begun drizzling and she didn't want to get caught in the heavy rain, especially dressed the way she was. She entered the apartment and dumped her bag down by the door with a heavy exhale, then walking into the kitchen to get a drink to quench her thirst and soothe her own insides from worry. She paced the kitchen as she sipped her drink, then sitting back against the counter as she sipped her drink quietly.
Having been standing at a place where she could see the window in the wall that divided the kitchen from the living room she finally could see Kai sitting back on the ground by the balcony door, one leg stretched in front of him, one close to his chest as his stretched arm lay on top of it and he was half looking outside. Without even realizing her actions Tori literally dropped the glass of water into the sink, ignoring the loud crashing sound it made once it came in contact with and broke a plate that had been in there, her full attention being on the boy in the other room. Before she knew it she was sitting on the ground in front of him, her blurry vision focusing intently on Kai's face and the numerous winces that he showed.
'The dull weather outside matched the look in your eyes; coming to think of it, such is a rare occasion because your eyes were usually brimming with energy, and they've always looked alive, you're monotonous but that doesn't mean you're dead. But that spark in your eyes is clearly gone by now; those enchanted crimson eyes that I've always been fascinated with and could stare into for hours, the same pair of eyes belonging only to you and no other that was capable of completely taking my words away. You could steal my words. Yet whenever I was speechless I could always find my words in you, because only you could understand without me saying a thing.'
Her thoughts were calm…at a decent, thoughtful pace, yet her body and heart moved faster than that. All she could do was feel her heart beating faster and faster in her own chest, causing this great anxiety to grow through some of her fear. She placed her hand on his shoulder, again with the same care she would any of the weak children in the hospital. A part of her knew it was wrong but she couldn't help it. "Kai…" her whisper barely reached him she was so quiet. "Are you okay?" she asked, breathing a little faster.
The Russian brushed a hand along her cheek with care, resting his head back and closing his eyes, "Yeah."
The grip on Kai's shoulder tightened and tightened as the girl's breathing became harder and harder, "I…I…" she began, not knowing where she was going with this, dubbing over as the pain and anxiety began growing too much. "I…I can't do this anymore." She whispered. She took a deep breath upon realizing what came out of her mouth, then looking up and finally locking eyes with him, "I can't do this anymore." She repeated herself, some regret in her yelling voice.
'You…You probably think I'm mad for worrying and panicking this much over you…don't you Kai? Do you really understand? Do you understand the number of deaths I've seen in my short life? Do you really understand why I'm panicking this much over you? Or have you not yet realized the intensity of my feelings towards you?'
The girl hid her face from him as she dubbed over more, slamming one hand against the ground continuously as she sobbed in absolute silence, leaving Kai to take in the scene that he'd been written into as it unfolded. He was calm while watching this, he always was calm in these situations. As long as it wasn't him having the emotional breakdown, he could think clearly his usual calculated thoughts.
'Still no reply came, and after about a minute later I thought I heard you whimper softly. I felt my collar bones getting a little wet as you moved closer to bury your face deep into the crook of my neck, hiding from my gaze completelyYou didn't want me to see you weeping silently, did you? You're always trying to put up a strong front, and then when you finally shatter and break down, you still hide. There's no need to hide from me, I know everything about you. Yet this was one of the things I liked about you, it's funny actually. Your criesare suddenly so quiet it's almost inaudible. Never have I met someone who could cry yet still look so beautiful at the same time. You're beautiful and you know that, I'm sure that I've told you that a couple of times, but you still hideHow can we be so alike yet so differentTori?'
Kai just as cautiously wrapped his arm around the upper half of Tori's back, pulling her closer to him and running his fingers through her hair. He wasn't quite sure how to comfort her, he never knew how really but he always tried. This time he knew that no matter what he said it wouldn't make a difference. He'd already apologized for what he'd said and for his failure to cooperate with what she wanted but words didn't mean all that much right now. Right now she wanted actions and that meant he had to go to a doctor, whether he liked it or not.
He closed his eyes again, resting back and pulling the girl with him to relax, kissing her cheek occasionally to calm down her frustration and tears and to preferably distract himself from the ever growing pain in the side of his stomach. It only kept on getting worse and there's wasn't all that much he could do to stop it. For now all he could do was distract himself from it and hope it just went away.
It definitely wouldn't be the case though.
---Next Morning---
Kai had been the first person to wake up this gloomy morning. It was dark out because of the thunderstorm, Tori had seen this upon waking up in her bed, seeing through the window behind Kai on the other side of the room. She'd woken up a few minutes after him, having found herself in her bed, all her clothing of the night before still on which made sense since she hadn't remembered having stopped crying to change and get to bed. Upon waking up, she'd noticed Kai staring at her. The two made no sign towards each other, no smile, no smirk, no snarl, nothing. They didn't acknowledge each other all that much. They just stared right into each other's eyes, keeping their thoughts of the other to themselves, as that was the place they were best kept until things sorted themselves out.
'He's beautiful. And while he has no patience for the rest of the world around him, he always seems to have the patience for me. He'll blank out the rest of the world, but he can't do that to me. I think I must be the only person who has ever seen him cry. Ever listened to his fears and worries. No one else can do it, no one else wants to do it I suppose, and he doesn't trust anyone else anyway, not even the team Well he tells them some stuff but never does he completely open up to them like he does with me. It makes me feel like I really am somebody when Kai and I talk to each otherBecause it's like he needs me. And he wants me around. It's as though I'm not worthless in anyway. On the days when I feel like the world hates me and all I want to do is die, there's always Kai right there for me. Sometimes he doesn't talk. Just sits down beside me and holds me. Sometimes he doesn't even do that. He doesn't always need to. I feel stupid when I complain that he doesn't give me enough attention…because now if I think about it, maybe he gives me more than I actually deserve.'
Tori's thoughts were just filled with compliments and hope. All her thoughts of him were based on love, no matter how upset she'd ever gotten with him. As just about everything else, Kai's thoughts weren't the same thing. While he still loved her, all his thoughts of her were based on his surprise of her.
'I'll admit…I never did understand love and I still don't. Being with Tori for almost two years makes me feel loved, that's true, but sometimes I still don't know what the reaction of a loved one would be to something. Even when I've thought that I've learnt everything about her to anticipate her reaction to something I find I'm always surprised by what she does. I don't understand why she cries so much at the thought of me being ill, I know she cares but I don't understand why she has to cry so much for it. I don't understand why her feelings for me are so strong. I think I'd have the same reaction for her if I knew she was really ill again, I almost did last time, who's to say it won't happen again? Still, when it's me worrying about her I feel its different. Shesay's it's because I have no self-worth but I don't know. Is it true that because I don't think so highly of myself that I think she shouldn't worry about me? Is it really fair that I ask her not to worry about me, even though she feels she needs to? Who am I to tell her to stop feeling the way she does?'
Anyone who knew the couple would wonder where all their happy memories had gone. They hadn't gone anywhere. The two both thought about their best times together in their lives. They didn't always act the same way they did back then but they didn't have to as long as they both kept the relationship fresh and thought back to some of their best moments. Thinking and recollecting with one another was all they really needed to keep their relationship together. Their relationship was always the same anyway, they'd hurt each other but then finally take a moment to apologize to each other or something of the sort and they'd share a quiet moment together. It was always like that, from the very beginning when they were just friends, and they preferred things that way.
---Flashbacks---
Tori sat on the sofa next to Kai with a sigh, looking up at him a bit while he stared at the ground. She looked up at him strangely, cocking her head to the side a bit; a pout on her face as she tried to understand what was going on. "Did I miss something important?" She broke the silence in the room.
Kai looked at her quickly, eyes holding a bit of confusion. "No, sorry, just spaced out for a minute."
"Something's wrong?" Tori asked quietly, moving closer.
"No, nothing. Trust me, I would have told you by now."
"After today, I'd hope so." Tori nodded in agreement.
Kai didn't comment on that, just kept staring in front of him for a bit and not taking much more interest to the girl who sat worriedly beside him.
"Kai…I'm really sorry for what I did to you today."
"It doesn't matter." Came Kai's honest answer.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure."
Tori sighed a bit. Her arm went across his stomach and stroked his bare shoulder with the back of her fingers, her warm skin against his cold pale one. Chills ran quickly down Kai's spine at that touch, his shoulders particularly sensitive after all the abuse he put them through back when he used to cut them up. The young girl grew tired, Kai noticing he pulled an arm around her and let her rest against him. Her soothing strokes continued subconsciously till she fell asleep when her hand fell away completely.
Kai just sat there for a few minutes, sometimes glancing down at the girl, making sure she was comfortable. Resting his head back and in a couple of minutes he joined her in sleeping, a peaceful sleep on the most part.
---End Flashback---
The young girl parted her lips softly as though she were about to speak, hesitance which caused Kai to hold his breath as though anticipating she were going to leave him or something. "I don't want to lose you…do you hear me?"
To those words Kai would have argued that she wasn't going to lose him, then remembering that those were the words that had brought him into this mess in the first place. Instead he just placed his hand out to her, touching her hand with some care and gripping it with the strength he had left before nodding. 'If she keeps on worrying like this, she's going to make herself more ill than she's ever been, I can't keep letting her do this to herself. I can't even ask her to stop.'
"Stop that." Tori bit out rudely, closing her eyes.
Some surprise took over Kai's face, "What?" he asked her confusedly.
She exhaled once again to calm herself enough to give him a decent reply, "Every time you get that same look on your face you're thinking badly about something. Stop it, it isn't healthy for you to think about everything negatively." She turned over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling with sparkling eyes that reflected her thoughts, "I can't say I'm perfect…my thoughts can sometimes be more negative than yours."
Kai scooted a little closer, wrapping an arm around her waist, "Stop talking."
"What?" Tori asked with a pout.
Kai moved them both closer together, resting his head comfortably on his arm, "Just stop talking. You depress yourself whenever you start talking like this."
The auburn-haired girl turned over, smiling softly and nodding, "For that…I'm sorry." She apologized.
Kai gripped the back of her shirt tightly in his hands, "Stop being sorry for these things."
"So what do I do?"
"Just…stop talking."
Tori nestled closer to Kai and his warm and caring embrace, "Fine…" she gave in softly, "But just for a few minutes…asking me to stop talking is like asking you not to be grumpy."
Kai pinched her back lightly, rolling her eyes, "You never change." He mumbled in her ear.
"Same to you." She pulled the covers over them and opened her eyes again, "Don't ever change, just learn to listen when I tell you things for your own good." She didn't get any sign of actual listening from Kai, he didn't do anything, just suddenly closing his eyes. She exhaled softly, this time not out of frustration but just out of the need to do so. She leant forward; gently setting her soft lips on his own for a mere second. She moved away while she took a shaky breath, still recovering from the whole nights crying as she dropped her head back down onto the pillow. "How did we get to this point, being in an opposites-attract relationship?" she asked him.
"You agreed not to talk." Kai reminded her.
"Kai…" She whispered in a soft tone.
He still kept his eyes closed but acknowledged, "Hm?"
"I love you."
Kai smirked at the innocence in her voice, he tugged her a little closer and stroked the small of her back in a caring and soothing manner. He didn't have to say anything back. With anyone else he'd be forced to, but when the person he was with understood him so well, they knew what he was thinking so that he wouldn't have to say it. By now, Tori knew Kai long enough to know what most of his actions meant and this quiet moment was his reply to her words.
A/N: So this is another chapter. I think I made a bit of a mess of it, especially since I had trouble writing. I had a bit of writers block and after about an hour of staring at a blank page the chapter began writing itself and this is the end product. This chapter had a whole new approach to it; it was a lot more thoughts, reactions and realizations rather than actual scenes and recalling to third parties. I like that sense of style but since it was my first time writing a lot more thoughts than scenes I'm not sure how good I am at it. Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought. I'm hoping to do better writing on next chapter but please forgive me if I take a while, school is a murderer.
Ah, ja ne minna
