Chapter 4
"Well, I must say, I'm very pleased with your progress," said Maggie as she and Severus made their way back downstairs after she had examined him.
"Easy for you to say, you're not living in this wreck of a body," Severus groused as he followed behind her, doing up the final buttons on his shirt.
"It's not a wreck," Maggie argued, turning around as she hit the bottom stair, Severus having to stop sharply to avoid walking straight into her. "You've put on a stone in weight and your wound's healing nicely. I told you this would be a slow process."
"He doesn't do slow processes," Harry said blithely from his spot by the fire, continuing to look down at the book in his lap.
Severus glared at him, or rather, he glared at the side of his head while the man carried on reading. "While you are famous for possessing the gift of patience," he said, injecting his words with as strong a sneer as he could manage.
He could see Harry's lip quirk slightly but he still didn't look up.
Maggie moved aside and Severus stepped into the living room, trying to avoid the stern look of reproach the woman was sending his way.
"These things don't happen overnight," she said, moving to the other armchair and extracting his file from the folder she was carrying, pulling a pen from her swathe of robes and beginning to scribble a few notes in the margin.
"I'm well aware of that," Severus said, trying and failing to keep the irritation from his voice.
Harry glanced up at him, his expression amused rather than reproachful, and inexplicably Severus felt his irascible nerves soothed somewhat.
"Just think," Harry said, resting his chin on his fist as he continued to look up at him, "all those times you told me I was behaving like a petulant child, you're really giving me a run for my money now."
"I am not – " Severus began to growl, but Harry merely grinned and said,
"Now now Severus, that colour you're starting to turn really does nothing for your complexion."
"Let's not spit our dummies out, children," Maggie said as she continued to make her amendments to Severus medical record.
"Oh let them get on with it," Ron said, appearing in the kitchen doorway, a large doorstop of a sandwich in his hand. "They're at their happiest when they're sniping at one another," he added before taking an ungodly-sized bite.
Severus redirected his glare at the redhead, but it was rather half-hearted as he knew Ron's words were true. It had been a couple of weeks since his and Harry's conversation about what had happened the night of the final battle and it had seemed to ease things between them. They were no longer treading around each other cautiously, existing with over-polite conversation, making sure they were on their best behaviour.
It had surprised Severus how easily they had fallen into familiarity. They found themselves on steady ground as they fell back on the habit of insulting each other, but now it was done without rancour. They badgered and goaded, and Severus was beginning to feel more like himself rather than the half-dead figure that had been dragged back into the world.
There was very little of the boy he had once known in the man that he was learning about. Harry was sharp-witted and gave as good he got when Severus sparred with him. He had a surprisingly sophisticated sense of humour and was more than up to the challenge of meeting Severus' caustic and acerbic comments with his own. To find that he liked Harry was almost as much of a shock as finding that he found the man attractive.
"Now that you've put a little weight on I think it's time we introduced exercise in your recovery plan," Maggie said, looking up from her notes at him. "Nothing too strenuous, perhaps a little light aerobics or – "
She was interrupted by a very loud, very amused snort from Harry, and Severus looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. The man was practically sniggering into his chest while Ron and Maggie simply looked bemused.
"And what, pray tell, is so funny?" Severus asked, causing Harry to emit another inelegant snort.
"The thought of you doing aerobics!" Harry said, dissolving into giggles. "I can just picture it – you in neon Lycra with leg-warmers and a fluffy headband giving Jane Fonda a run for her money!"
"You're dangerously close to ending up as a potions ingredient," Severus growled at him, which only seemed to amuse him further, and he continued to giggle uncontrollably as Severus did his best to stop his lip from twitching in response.
"Well, perhaps not aerobics," Maggie said, eyeing Harry as though trying to confirm whether or not he had lost the plot. "A little gentle walking should do it, there's ample opportunity for that around here. It wouldn't hurt you to go along too," she said, directing her remark to Harry, who still looked amused by his own witticism.
"I don't need exercise," Harry protested, sitting straight in the armchair to emphasise his physique. Severus did his best to stop his eyes from following the man's movements.
"Everyone needs exercise," Maggie said matter-of-factly, closing the file and replacing it in the folder. "You spend far too much of your time cooped up in here, it would do you good to get out now and again."
"I'm busy," Harry protested. "I haven't got the time to go out hiking!"
"I'm not suggesting a hike," Maggie said as though speaking to a five-year-old, "but a thirty minute walk every day would do you both good."
She packed the folder away and rose to her feet as though declaring the matter settled, then moved over to the porch to retrieve her cloak. "Are we still on for Saturday?" she asked Harry as she fastened the clasp at her throat.
"Saturday?" Harry asked with a frown.
"Oh honestly!" Maggie huffed. "We've had this arranged for ages! My cousin's wedding, remember? You agreed to go with me."
"Oh bugger, that's this Saturday?" Harry asked, running a hand through his hair.
"Yes Harry," Maggie said, her hands on her hips.
Ron and Severus exchanged a look, each glad that they weren't on the receiving end of Maggie's displeasure. Harry opened his mouth to speak again but Maggie cut him off, saying,
"Don't you dare say you're not coming. I've told everyone you'll be there and if I show up to another family do without someone on my arm I'll never hear the end of it!"
"I can't just abandon Severus," Harry said, casting a desperate glance up at him.
"I'm sure I'm perfectly capable of spending one evening alone," he said smoothly, and Harry's nostrils flared slightly as he glared at him.
"Good, that's settled," said Maggie with a nod of her head. "I'll come and pick you up at 4 o'clock, make sure you're ready!"
Luckily Maggie had apparated before she could see the two-fingered salute that Harry sent her way. He threw his book down on the coffee table and muttered, "I bloody hate weddings. Why did I agree to go? And you were no bloody help!" he said, looking back to Severus.
Severus shrugged and threw him a smirk. "You should have been more careful about those 'Lycra' comments, shouldn't you?"
"Git," Harry groused, getting up and moving into the kitchen.
Severus allowed himself a small snort of amusement and settled himself down on the sofa. Despite Harry's protests, he wondered, not for the first time if his relationship with Maggie was more than it appeared. As far as he was concerned, people usually attended weddings with people they were involved with, and Maggie had said that she'd told her family he would be there.
He told himself that he wasn't bothered either way, what did it matter to him if they were seeing one another? Unfortunately, he was a lot less adept at lying to himself than he was to other people.
He was distracted by Ron clearing his throat and leaning forward in his chair before saying, "Could I speak with you about something, Professor?"
"We're to call him Severus remember?" came Harry's voice from the kitchen, accompanied by the usual bangs and thumps that Severus had come to expect from Harry preparing lunch. "Although don't call him 'Sevvie', that doesn't go down too well."
Severus rolled his eyes and said to Ron, "What can I do for you?"
"Well, it's a little delicate," said Ron with a sigh. He tapped his fingers on his knees for a moment before he said, "Draco wants to come and see you."
Severus waited to hear what was so delicate about that, but when Ron said nothing further, he said, "I fail to see the issue."
"He doesn't know if he'll be welcome, he thinks you hate him," Ron said sadly.
"What?" Severus said disbelievingly. "You can't be serious?"
"You don't know what he's been through the last couple of years, he's…he's so different from the boy you remember. He's never forgiven himself for what happened with…with Dumbledore, he's completely racked with guilt that you had to step in and be the one to…" Ron trailed off, obviously uncomfortable. He took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck, then said, "I think it would be really good for him to come and see you, but if you don't want to see him then I'll find a way to break it to him gently."
"Of course I'll see him," Severus said, barely needing to give the matter a moment's consideration. "He was just a boy when all that happened, how could he think I would hold it against him?"
"He's been through a lot," Ron said softly. "He's spent a lot of time doing some pretty serious soul-searching. I doubt you'll recognise the man he's turned into."
"Well that'll be nothing different. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to you and Harry."
Ron gave him a wry smile and said, "I suppose we're all different. A lot's changed."
Severus nodded. "Tell him I'd be more than happy to see him."
Ron looked relieved. "Thank you, that's a weight off my mind. I'll bring him in a week or so, if that's alright with you?"
"That'll be fine. Try and reassure him in the meantime that he has nothing to fear from me."
"Believe me, I've been telling him that for ages but he won't believe it until hears it from you."
Severus sat alone in the armchair by the fire, reading through the latest Potions journal that Hermione had procured for him. Harry was out with Maggie at her cousin's wedding and he wasn't sure what time to expect him back. He had left looking very smart in dark blue dress robes that were tailored to perfection, moaning the entire time about how much he hated weddings and making sure Maggie knew that she owed him.
It was the first time Severus had been alone in nearly two months, and while it didn't necessarily bother him, he found that he missed Harry's company. He had always been used to a solitary existence, even at Hogwarts he had only taken his meals with the staff because it had been a requirement, and he had been happy to keep himself to his rooms as much as possible.
Now though, after two years spent in isolation with no human contact of any kind, he had learnt to appreciate having company. He would never have admitted it, but he would have been hard pressed to find better company than Harry's. He enjoyed the time he spent with the man, speaking to him and teasing him, enjoyed the sharp wit of Harry's tongue and how the man was capable of holding up his end of a lively and stimulating conversation.
He placed the journal on the coffee table and leant his head back against the chair, closing his eyes for a moment. His eyesight was not what it had once been; his time spent locked away had played havoc with all aspects of his health, and his vision hadn't escaped unscathed. It was hard for him to focus on reading material for long periods of time, and it was made worse in the evening when there was less light. It was also difficult for him to adjust to changes in light and sooner or later he would have to subdue his pride and admit that he probably needed glasses.
Overall, his health was slowly improving. Acclimatising to life outside of Azkaban had been both difficult and euphoric. Having his liberty and his sanity restored to him was beyond wonderful, and every day he was grateful for the simple pleasures of maintaining hygiene and sleeping in comfort and safety. It didn't change the fact though that he felt cut adrift in a world that he wasn't sure he understood anymore. Everything felt strange to him, and he himself felt strange as a consequence.
He didn't know what his place was anymore, what his purpose was apart from to brew potions for the Ministry that no one else seemed capable of brewing. He had no income, no home of his own, and no real purpose from day to day. He knew that he had to exist in limbo while they all awaited the trial, but the issue was that he had no idea what might exist beyond it. He knew Harry's foundation had a programme in place for those needing to be re-integrated into wizarding society, but the thought of needing it wasn't one that pleased him.
He was about to give up and head up to bed when he heard a loud pop outside the house and suddenly the front door banged open. Maggie appeared in the porch, holding up what looked to be a very worse for wear Harry. She dragged him into the room and chucked him down onto the sofa, the man moaning and curling into the side of it, glaring up at Maggie.
"What on earth has happened?" Severus asked, standing and walking over to join Maggie, looking down at Harry as he redirected his glare to him.
"Some people can't handle their booze," Maggie replied through gritted teeth. "Stay there, I'll get you some water," she told Harry, moving off into the kitchen, Severus following her.
She pulled a glass from one of the cupboards and filled it with water from the tap, turning to face Severus and saying, "I should have known not to let him get his hands on those last two glasses of wine. He barely drinks and he doesn't handle it well when he does. At least I got him back here before he started getting all maudlin."
She moved back into the living room, and Severus hovered in the doorway, watching as she knelt in front of Harry and slid a hand behind his head, holding it up as she put the glass of water to his lips.
"Just drink it you bloody fool before I pour it over your head," she said crossly.
"Mmf, can manage," Harry protested, shifting himself up to an awkward sitting position and taking the glass from her hands, sloshing a good amount of water over himself before he managed to get it to his mouth, glugging it noisily.
"Look I'm sorry to do this to you, but I should really get back to the party. Do you mind if I leave him with you?" Maggie asked.
"There's little choice," Severus said wryly, "he lives here. Although I expected him to be staying with you tonight."
"Me? Why would he be staying with me?"
"Well," Severus said, feeling uncomfortable. "With you two being…"
Maggie burst out laughing and Harry looked up at her with a frown, trying to work out what was being said that was so funny, but obviously failing to do so, going back to drinking his water with comical care.
"Harry and I aren't an item," Maggie said with a grin. "Far from it! I'm the wrong gender for him and he is seriously not my type even if I were! And here I was thinking you were good at reading situations. I guess Azkaban took the edge of those finally-honed senses eh?"
Severus bristled at her comments and would have remonstrated were it not for the fact that a small corner of his brain was shouting at him that Maggie had just told him Harry was gay. He opened his mouth to say something but found that nothing came out. Maggie smiled at him and said,
"Just to satisfy your curiosity – Harry isn't an 'item' with anyone, I think he's waiting for Mr Right."
"Are you talkin' about me?" Harry asked, looking up at them with bleary eyes, just about able to realise that he had heard his name.
"Yes, about you not to you, so belt up," Maggie shot back. "I've really got to get back, sorry to dump you with him. Just chuck a load of water down his throat and sling him in his bed."
"That's your medical advice is it?" Severus asked with a raised eyebrow and she grinned before apparating from the spot.
Severus sighed and looked down at Harry, who was sipping at his water like a toddler who wasn't used to drinking out of a proper cup.
"Shall we get you up to bed?" he asked, and Harry squinted up at him as though trying to work out who had spoken to him.
"I'm not tired," he said, slurring his words.
"You can't barely sit up straight," Severus argued.
"Don't want t'go t'bed. Not tired and the world goes funny when I lie down. Can you make me s'thing to make it stop?"
Severus shook his head and sat down on the sofa next to Harry, taking the glass from his hands before he let it slip from them. "I'm afraid that sort of potion takes twenty-four hours to brew."
Harry snorted and said, "You're just sayin' that t'make me suffer." He groaned and let his head fall forward into his hands, moaning softly, "I hate drinking. I never do it, doesn't agree with me. I should've said no to the whisky."
"Whisky?" Severus echoed, looking at Harry with amusement. "Not a sensible idea for someone unaccustomed to drinking."
"P'raphs it's a family thing. All the Weasleys can drink like fish, you see should Bill 'n Charlie, s'mental. Did my mum drink?" Harry asked, and Severus felt himself brought up sharply.
"What?" he asked, and Harry looked up blearily at him.
"My mum, did she drink?" he asked again.
Severus frowned, unable to understand how Lily had been brought into the conversation and confused why Harry was asking him about her.
"I…don't know," Severus answered finally, unnerved by Harry continuing to look across at him.
"But y'knew her though didn't you? I mean really knew her, all those mem'ries, all the stuff in your head. You…loved her," he said, his eyes fluttering closed then opening again a few moments later.
"Harry – " Severus began, not wanting to have this conversation under these circumstances, if at all.
"All those years and I never knew," Harry said softly, shaking his head then looking as though he regretted the action. "No wonder you hated me."
"Harry, I never hated you," Severus said firmly, and Harry looked at him with a frown.
"Yes y'did," he said, hiccupping slightly. "You hated me b'cause she died for me and you loved her."
Severus took a deep breath and tried to figure out how best to handle the situation. He knew that at some point this conversation was going to happen, that Harry would want answers from him, but he wasn't sure that it was prudent to rake over old bones while Harry could barely see straight.
"I think you may have misinterpreted things slightly," he said eventually. "I was very young when I met your mother, and I was overwhelmed. She was the first friend I ever had, the first person who treated me like a human being, who showed me some kindness. For a long while I did believe myself in love with her, when I was too young and too naïve to understand that adoration could be mistaken for something more meaningful."
He paused, hating the fact that he was having to relive these memories, that he was having to confront all the things that he had buried for so long. His friendship with Lily, his entire youth, were not parts of his life that he wanted to examine too closely. He had made mistakes that had blackened his entire life and he had yet to reconcile those things in his own mind, let alone try and explain them to another person.
He knew that he owed it to Harry, that the man had every right to ask him about the memories he had seen, to understand the circumstances that had led them all to where they were now. It didn't mean that it wasn't painful, and Severus was not adept at confronting his own emotions or at digging up things that should have long ago been laid to rest.
"I came to realise that what I felt wasn't love, at least, not in the romantic sense. It took me a long time to understand that your mother wasn't the right person for me…that…that no woman would be the right person for me. I took a long time reconciling myself to that."
"Not the right person for you?" Harry repeated, frowning up at him, obviously trying to unpick the facts through his hazy mind. "B'cause she was…oh," Harry said with a long, drawn-out sigh. "You're…you don't…oh," he said again, apparently all out of responses. "But I saw," he protested. "I saw when she died…you were…heartbroken," he said, saying the word very carefully around his slurring.
"Of course I was," Severus replied, "just as you would have been if Ron or Hermione had died. Just because I wasn't in love with her didn't mean that I wasn't devastated at losing her. The fact that it was all my fault made it…unbearable."
He hadn't wanted to do this, he hadn't want to sit in front of Harry and admit that the reason his parents were dead was because of him. The guilt had eaten away at him over the years and he had coped with it the only way he knew how – by turning his bitterness and resentment towards Harry and convincing himself that he was somehow to blame. If Harry hadn't been the Chosen One then none of it would have happened. It was bollocks of course, he knew it well enough, but being confronted by it after all these years was staggering.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up at Harry in surprise. The man was doing his best to focus his vision, but there was no hostility, no blame in his expression as he looked hard at Severus.
"It wasn't your fault," Harry said gently.
"Of course it was," Severus argued. "I told him, I told Voldemort about the prophecy. He would never have known, he would never have come after you if it weren't for me."
Harry released a heavy sigh and removed his hand from Severus' shoulder, moving a little closer on the sofa next to him so that their arms brushed. There was silence for a moment, Severus assumed that Harry was trying to gather his thoughts and arrange them into some sort of coherence, but he wished the man would say something.
"I can't hold on to the past anymore," Harry said finally, his voice barely above a whisper. "So much has happened, there's been so much pain, so much loss. We could spend the rest of our lives finding someone to blame for every little thing that happens, but in the end it just leaves you bitter and hollow."
He was speaking slowly, trying not to trip over his words, trying to make sure his speech wasn't slurred, but the feeling behind what he was saying was palpable. Severus looked ahead at the fire, feeling unable to look at the man next to him who was being more generous than Severus felt he had any right to expect.
"I don't want you blaming yourself anymore, I don't want you to hold on to all this pain, it'll kill you surer than that snake bite. Can't we…can't we find a way to move forward, to help each other get past this?"
Severus didn't know how to answer. He wanted it more than he could say, he wanted to find a way to let go of the past, to find absolution for his guilt and find a way to make peace with all that had happened. His thoughts were constantly plagued by what he had done, by all the mistakes he had made and all that he felt he owed the people in his life who had stuck by him through his transgressions.
He had often wondered what Lily would have made of him if she had still been alive. She would have been horrified at his treatment of her son over the years, but perhaps she would have understood the reasoning behind it if he had had the chance to explain it to her. She was the most warm-hearted, generous person he had ever known, and she would have been furious at him for wasting his life the way he had done, for letting guilt and shame eat away at him until there was nothing left but a man twisted by resentment and self-loathing.
Harry shifted closer still and after a moment or two, Severus felt the man's head come to rest on his shoulder. There was a pause then Harry slid his hand down to close over Severus' own. He slowly laced their fingers together and held Severus' hand gently.
Severus was so surprised that he could do nothing but stare down at their intertwined hands, amazed that Harry had made such an overture. He moved his thumb slowly back and forth across the soft skin of Harry's hand, and Harry seemed to take this as Severus' answer to his question. Severus felt him relax against his shoulder, nestling in a little closer, emitting a soft sigh as he did so. Severus gave the man's hand a gentle squeeze then brought his head down to rest against Harry's, the two men sitting staring ahead at the fire, drawing what comfort they could from one another.
AN: I'm updating a little early this week as I'm off up to Liverpool for a family do. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, please drop me a review and let me know.
