Author's Note: Sorry this took so long. As I'm sure you'll notice, it's the longest chapter yet. I decided that we really needed to hear some of this from Edward's point of view and for that I needed some help. I owe a tremendous amount of thanks to my Beta: Eowyn77. She's a fabulous writer...go check out some of her stuff because it's amazing....and really helped me get into Edward's head.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Chapter 4

EPOV:

I was sitting at my piano, not playing, merely staring at the keys. My hands no longer floated over the keys to produce the graceful melodies that I had once loved. Now there was only one melody – her lullaby – in my head and it was just too painful. The house was nearly empty. Rosalie and Emmett were around somewhere, but their thoughts were only muted undertones and not overly coherent – a fact for which I was currently thankful. Carlisle and Esme were somewhere nearby, taking some time to be alone with each other and Alice and Jasper had gone hunting and would probably be gone for a few days. I was starting to regret declining their invitation to join them. I really need a distraction.

Not that there was any distraction to be found. One of the many lies that I had told her…I hadn't even tried to distract myself at first, my heart had just curled in on itself and the weight of my grief threatened to crush me. It was only my immense love for her that kept me away, but it was still an impossible chore to fight the pull she had on my heart. It was like fighting gravity. Eventually though, it became too much to bear. I returned to Forks, telling myself that it was only to check and make sure that she was safe and that I wouldn't reveal myself to her. As it turned out, I hadn't even had the option of changing my mind about that, because she was gone. My grief at not being able to see her had been tainted by relief. She had moved on. It's what I'd meant for her. My relief was short lived, however, as I caught the scent. Nearly 2 years since the first time we had met, but I would recognize that scent anywhere. My first attempt at distraction was Victoria.

Victoria fled and I turned out to be a miserable tracker, losing her somewhere around Texas. I'd spent several years after that in a desperate, but futile attempt to locate her again. Finally I was forced to admit that I had failed monumentally in my task to keep Bella safe. I didn't even know where to look for her to try and protect her. I'd gone home then, not admitting defeat exactly, but rather claiming that I was doing it to appease Esme. I knew she already felt as though she'd lost a daughter and I didn't want to take her son from her again as well. So I feigned normalcy for the sake of my family, going through the motions but never feeling like anything more than an empty shell. She had taken my heart with her and I didn't have any idea where to get it back.

They are all going to be so surprised! I could hear them then, my brother and sister, drawing me away from my torturous line of thinking. They hadn't been gone long, so I couldn't understand what could possibly have led them home so early. My confusion ebbed and my interest piqued as they came closer and their thoughts became clearer. There was someone with them and they were quite excited about whoever it was. I rose quickly and moved to the porch just in time to see them tumble into the clearing.

She was beautiful, and exuded gracefulness even as she lay pinned and completely unmoving beneath Jasper. Her golden eyes were on me, but her face was blank and she was completely unreadable. I couldn't hear her mind.

Bella.

Her expression shifted minutely and the impassiveness was gone. I could see the Bella I had known staring back at me then and I couldn't make my mind form a coherent thought as my heart leapt into my throat and attempted to choke me; I could see the Bella I had left that day in the woods because every bit of that pain was reflected in her eyes. The sudden urge to run to her and sweep her into my arms and never let her go was nearly overwhelming but I held myself in check. This was not the same girl that I'd ached over for the last 18 years. This Bella would not blush under my gaze and her heart wouldn't flutter at my touch; in all reality, judging by the look on her face, this Bella would probably tear my arm off in a fit of rage if I tried to touch her.

My head was spinning, my heart overflowing, and I fought desperately against the yearning to reach out to her. I couldn't move because if I moved even a fraction of an inch, my resolve would crumble. Her façade crumbled entirely then and seeing the pain in her eyes made me want nothing more than to comfort her. I desperately searched my head, trying to remember how to speak, but it was too late – she'd turned and ran.

Only then did I find my feet as I moved to follow after her. Alice snarled and took off after her as Jasper moved to block my path. I crashed into him in a desperate attempt to follow them, but instantly felt the calming effect of his empathic abilities.

Edward, just let her go. Don't force it. I nodded my head dumbly. I needed to run, to clear my head. So, for the second time in my life, I purposefully put distance between Bella and myself.

What. Had. I. Done?

I'd wanted nothing more in the world than for her to be safe. I'd caused my entire family unspeakable suffering by taking them away from her so that she could have a normal, happy, healthy life. The life she deserved. A pure and innocent life. In trying to save her soul, I'd left her vulnerable. I'd damned her – condemned her to eternity in my own personal hell.

No wonder she'd run from me. She'd be crazy not to hate me for what I'd done to her. I could see it now how utterly wrong I had been. I'd left in order to keep her safe, but obviously it had not had that effect on her at all. Not that I should be entirely surprised by that fact – Bella was a danger magnet and hadn't I told her once myself that sometimes I wasn't the most dangerous thing in the forest? I'd thought I had everything figured out. My mind was reeling. And I felt like I was thinking in circles. This was my worst fear come back to haunt me. Bella needed protection, I was right about that much; what I hadn't considered was that I was her protector. I hadn't been there to save her from this damned existence. This was entirely my fault.

I was so busy chastising myself for my idiocy that I was actually surprised when I stumbled across Carlisle and Esme having a "picnic." It was an almost laughable scene really: Esme sitting on the forest floor petting a rabbit. They looked up at the sound of my approach.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I couldn't help but tease my adoptive mother. She laughed, but was not fooled by my light-hearted comment. What's wrong, son? Carlisle's thoughts had a similar tone to them.

I just shook my head. "You'll want to go home. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." I gave them both the most reassuring smile that I could muster, waving them off when they tried to press me for more information. "I think it will be pretty self-explanatory when you get there." I was almost as relieved as the rabbit that they'd left then, alone with only my self-loathing for company. It wasn't the blessing that I'd hoped it would be. In the absence of my family, I could feel myself coming undone; it had been easier to deal with everyone else's thoughts than my own.

My fury with myself was interlaced with an unbearable guilt. I'd always thought I was a monster. Now I just had proof. I may not have bitten Bella, but my actions had killed her. I didn't know the circumstances behind her change, but it didn't matter. The change wouldn't have happened; her soul would still be intact…she would still love me.

I couldn't stand it…it was selfish of me maybe…probably…definitely…but I was already walking back in the direction of the house. I'd only get close enough to hear them. It would be a comfort to even see her in their thoughts, and even that was more than I deserved.

I stopped when I reached the edge of the clearing. She was talking – telling them her story.

"After you left – I felt like I didn't belong anywhere anymore. I basically died that day in the forest. I couldn't belong with you when I didn't even know where to find you. It got to the point where I wasn't sure that I hadn't just dreamed the whole thing. I never felt like I belonged anywhere else though. The Volturi gave me a place to belong; they made me theirs."

I must have missed quite a bit of the story, because this wasn't making any sense. Bella was a member of the Volturi? My teeth clenched and my breath hissed between them. Just how thoroughly had I corrupted her soul? Not only had my negligence brought about the very fate that I had been trying to avoid, but I'd left her at the mercy of the very worst of our kind. I couldn't just damn her and be done with it; I'd had to make sure that no part of her, heart, mind, and soul, had gone undamaged.

"Bella, we had no idea."

"I'm so sorry…"

"We should have fought for you."

I was surprised at Rosalie's statement. Rosalie had never really been very kind to Bella, but I could see now that it wasn't out of spite. She would have given anything to be human and was personally offended by Bella's blatant desire to throw that humanity away. But she had seen how miserable I was without Bella and it had pained her. And she saw now that Bella's pain at losing me had matched my own. Edward, if you can hear me – you're an ass. So much for her pitying me.

"No, Rosalie…It wasn't your job to fight for me. I couldn't even fight for myself. You couldn't have made him love me anymore than I seemed to have been able to."

I couldn't stop myself then. She blamed herself for my idiocy and I just couldn't let her believe the lie anymore. I flew into the house and hesitated briefly in the doorway. "Bella…" I saw her stiffen at the sound of my voice. She really believed I didn't love her – that I didn't want her. I stepped into the room and walked forward until I was only a few feet from her. I could smell her. She still smelled the same – like freesias – less the scent of human blood that had once been nearly overpowering. "I never stopped loving you."

It was all so clear now. Bella never did what I expected. I hadn't expected her to believe the lie, but she had and it had all but destroyed us both. I'd expected her to move on with her life, which admittedly she had done but definitely not in the sense that I had intended. I'd lied to her, committing the worst kind of blasphemy possible! I'd left to protect her, but how do you protect someone so determined to be unprotected?! My fingers curled tightly it my palms, my rage threatening to overtake me and was increased ten-fold because I had nowhere to direct it except myself.

She had sought out the Volturi to be changed…because of me.

She stood and whirled to face me in one fluid movement. The fury on her beautiful face was evident and I suspected that if they could have, her eyes would have been brimming with tears. I couldn't help but remembering a time when her anger reminded me of a kitten. Bella was every bit the tiger that she had once pretended to be.

"Then why did you leave me?" The venom in her voice stung nearly as much as if she had bitten me.

End Note: I'll update again as soon as possible, but I have just so much going on right now. Please bear with me! And Review! Feedback makes the creativity flow!!