alright ladies and gentlemen! Again: sorry for the wait. Sorry!
Disclaimer: Show and characters Johnen Vasquez, faCts sort of belong to The Scary Monkey Show. com, or they would if it was working! STOOOPID SITE!
So instead credits go to Wikipedia and www invaderzim .com. All details were verified using this questionable but oh-so glorius site. â€
Two people, a boy and a girl, walked down the dirty sidewalk. "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?" The male teen asked no one. One might say he was talking to the girl beside him, but upon closer inspection the mingled loathing and boredom of her pale visage, made it clear that his words were falling upon deaf ears.
"I mean, first there was that awful nightmare..." he shook his head; oblivious to his sister's mumbling of "I'll show you nightmares".
"Then my computer caught on fire! Well, not on 'fire' per say, but I still had to fix it. I bet it was ZIM! No, wait, why would he bother with my computer? It's got nothing of use to him... Oh, and last night there was that stupid woman on TV who was talking about giant squid!" He was getting riled up now.
"I mean, what? It was a monster for hundreds of years- to millions of people- and as soon as they 'prove' it exists, it's suddenly not a monster! How does a scientific name change what it is? Like, seriously, what?" He practically shouted the last word.
It probably would've gone on like that for a while, except that Zim had turned on to the same street at that very moment. That, as always, took complete control of every single synapse in the poor kid's brain.
"Hey! Zim!" He shouted and ran to the alien, leaving his sister blissfully alone. "I need to talk to you"
"Zim has done NOTHING! It's all lies! LIIIES!" The thick-headed Irken yelled. Yeah, hear that too many times, and you won't hear at all.
"Whatever Zim. I'm talking about that 'note' you gave me yesterday. That thing was messed up! I had nightmares!" He pointed a melodramatic finger in Zim's direction.
"Nightmares, eh? Are humans very susceptible to these 'Nightmares'?" He asked, feigning innocence poorly. It's hard to do that when every single thought in your head is about killing, maiming, destroying, and stealing. In fact, do you know the old Viking motto: 'Rape, pillage, and burn'? Yes, that's Zim for you. An alien Viking of the highest caliber.
"Don't even think about it Zim." Dib crossed his arms, "And, yes, nightmares. I missed a lot of sleep! For that, you owe me a new piece of information." He hoped the invader wouldn't remember the last turn had been his.
"Uh... yes... Wait, NO! Zim owes the earth-stench NOTHING!" If he had books, he would have thrown them down. Actually, how did he go to School every day and not have books? That was weird.
"Yeah you do. So tell me now, since we're heading to school together anyways." And he started walking, dragging Zim by the neckline of his shirt -a shirt changed only in that it was slightly longer, since Earths gravity coupled with defective Irken growth spurts had given him some height.
Zim was prepared to fight over this a bit more, but astounding Dib with his amazing knowledge was the most fun he'd had since he injected those hamsters with radioactive jelly.
"Fine. Let me search my awesome brain for a suitable topic." Dib was amazed. That was unnaturally civil.
"Ah, got it! Zim has already talked about Irken birth, why not talk about smeethood?" It sounded like a question, but with Zim, you couldn't be sure.
"Sure, okay" Dib took a chance, apparently for good reason.
"Irk is a superior planet, so efficient, so monumental. The sky of Irk is pink, and there are none of these... plants... you humans seem to obsess with growing. There used to be trees, I think, but I've never seen them. I've only spent some twenty years on the surface."
"Wait... twenty YEARS?" asked the incredulous boy.
"I mean Irken years, in Irken years I'm older than any pitiful Hyooooman alive. An Irk year is..." He took a moment to count out in his head "... some six of your months- I think. I never got acquainted with your scummy calendar."
"Alright then" Dib was still surprised, even if he'd spent ten years on the surface, you had to account for years of military training and in-service time. He was way older than he looked.
'Jeez', thought the human, 'How can such an ancient creature act so infantile? Maybe his maturity is affected by the people around him... first, those snack obsessed brain-wash-ees, then these stupid children... But then again, he is sort of mature in an off-the-wall-and-also-criminally-insane sort of way…'
Dib's musings were cut short by Zim's multiple inflections. He'd missed something important too; about water- did he say 'heavy water'? And lakes, underground lakes.
"And most Irken activity on our home world is below the surface," The alien was lecturing, "Where freshly-hatched Irkens spend their first twenty earth-years training with simulators underground."
"Um... simulators... got it..." Dib affirmed hesitantly. He wasn't really catching most of this.
"Zim has told you about the hatching, yes? Well, after being hatched, each Smeet-"
"Wait... 'Smeet'?" asked the confused paranormalist "I thought we were talking about Irken-... oh."
"Pfft, that took you long enough! Anyways, a Smeet is moved into the download chair, where the sum of all glorious Irken knowledge is given to them." Zim nearly tripped over a pebble on the sidewalk, so busy was he with the explanation. "Actually," the alien confided in a conspiratorial voice, "I think the stuff they tell us is full of errors- not to mention boring. The Irken Empire is mighty- OH SO mighty are we! But they don't even brainwash their citizens properly. It's lucky that our Tallests are so amazing, otherwise there might be some problems."
Dib raised an eyebrow. "If you were really brainwashed, then how could you know that?"
"It's simple really: I AM ZIM! And therefore, awesome." he nodded smugly, "Anyway, I'm... different... from other Irkens. In a good way!" the invader added hurriedly, lest Dib get the wrong (right) impression.
Zim was a defective, no doubt about it. He knew, of course. The Irken had been aware of his state as a defective since the time he was Examined. The would-be invader didn't blame his Tallests- they were only doing their jobs. It was just fate. Fate, and his infernal PAK.
In any case, Zim considered himself pretty lucky. Brainwashed Citizens were all well and good in theory, but he preferred having the freedom to act stupid, and destroy randomly. It was what he lived for, actually.
"Zim... Earth to Zim..." Dib waved his hand in front of his 'friend's face, then stopped when the irony of his last sentence hit him.
"Man that's weird..." the boy said, stopping for a second- and incidentally running straight into Zim's back.
"AHH!" Zim yelled, "Watch it, Dib-monkey!" before noticing that the grubby brick of the Skool building was all of about two inches from his nose. "When did that get there?"
Most of this really is cannon, but I took the heavey water idea from a DA member, hopefully the context is different enough that I won't get in trouble. I have an alternate theory explaining why water burns him. It involves pollution...
"She said 'I can help you, What do you say? Oh, it's not free baby- you have to pay!'" -Break me, Shake me, Savage Garden
