Chapter 3 – Bargaining
"We want life returned to what it was. We wanna go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening… if only, if only, if only…"
Haley's POV:
"Hey…" I say, looking down, when Lucas opens the door. Is he mad at me? Angry? Disappointed? I don't have the courage to look into his eyes long enough to figure it out, not after everything I said. Luckily, I don't have to. He says hey back and envelopes me in a warm hug. I hug him back, crying, trying to apologize, but the words get lost between my sobs. He softly puts his hand on my head, soothing me, calming me down, even though I can see he's not so calm himself. Time seems to stop for a moment as we cry. As both of us, who've been through everything together, go through one of the most difficult times in his life, and definitely the single most painful time in mine.
"I'm sorry", he finally says, slowly pulling me away and looking in my eyes.
"I'm sorry, too"
"Dan and I went to see Deb earlier today", Karen says as she brings us something to eat, "We knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but we never imagined…" she stops for a moment, sitting on the couch beside me and covering her face with her hands.
I put my hand on her back. "Karen? What happened? What did she…?"
"She had to be sedated. She kept saying she was gonna kill herself, that she didn't wanna live anymore… They think it could be even worse if she attends to the funeral tomorrow, so I guess it's better if she doesn't…"
The funeral… Funeral. No other word made this whole thing seem so real. No other moment made me think of everything like this one, right now. I know it's real, but it can't be. I can't stand the mere thought of tomorrow without Nathan. Let alone the day after that, the weeks that will be followed by months, years. Forever. I used to think of this word and feel nothing but safety. Cause that's what it used to mean. Forever. That was how long we were gonna be with each other, loving each other, protecting each other. And it wouldn't be enough. Now it seems like an empty, hollow road. Too long, too difficult. Impossible to walk alone. Cause now forever is how long I'll be without him. And this thought, this notion is way more than I can take.
"Have you seen… you know… have you seen him at the hospital?" I ask to no one in particular.
"I have. We had to sign some papers and take care of things… so they took us to see… you know, the body", Karen's voice shakes.
"You mean, Nathan", my voice is cold. She can't just say it like that. Hell, I can't hear it. Hearing his name is hard enough, but the way she said it, it was too final.
"Yes, honey, sorry"
"Are you sure, Karen? I mean, there has to be something they didn't try, something they can still do, and get him back…" my voice breaks, and I notice her heart breaks, too. She wraps her arms around me, which only makes me cry harder. "There has to be a way to bring him back to me"
She doesn't say anything, but I know what's going through her mind. I know now the exact way she felt, not so long ago, when the man she loved was suddenly taken away from her. I snuggle closer to her. Karen Roe is a mother. Not just Lucas' mother. A mother to all of us, whenever we need one. And there are some things only someone like her can understand, some things only she can fix. And even if she can't fix anything, she always finds a way to ease your pain a little. It all hurts just the same, and it's hard to explain, but it can make you feel safer.
"I just want him back", I say it one more time, the words barely being able to leave my mouth.
"I know you do, honey…" Karen sighs, still holding me. To my surprise, at this moment, Lucas gets up and goes to his room, without even looking at us. I pull away from Karen and turn my head to where Lucas just went.
"He's been taking this whole thing pretty hard. I tried talking to him, but…"
"Karen… I said some things to him, back at the hospital. I overheard him and Dan…"
"I know. Dan told me about it, but Lucas hasn't mentioned anything", she stops for a moment, before looking back at me, "Haley, you know, when Keith died…" she hesitates, and I can see how hard it still is for her to talk about it, to even speak his name. And I realize it now, that it's always gonna be there. Maybe it does get easier with time – not that I actually believe any of this right now – but that void, it's never going away. "…it was hard, and I was in a really dark place. I told Lucas it was his fault. I don't know why, but I had to. I needed someone to blame. It's like it wasn't me. I'd never do that, say those things to my own son, just like I know you didn't mean it, either. It was like something took over me…"
"Yeah…" I'm still surprised at what she's saying. I knew she took it hard, but I could never imagine her saying things like that to Lucas. Sure, he'd mentioned his mom had blamed him, but up until now, I thought he'd misunderstood things. "We both took it out on him, huh?" I look down. She touches my chin and we lock eyes, her hand pushing some stray hair behind my ear.
"I guess it's easier to be mad at the people we love the most. It's safer. Cause we know they'll still be there, no matter what"
"And we forget that maybe they need us to be there for them, also", I say, looking at nowhere and thinking of Lucas. He lost his uncle, who was more like a father to him, and now his brother. It's like… these things keep happening, one right after the other, and we don't even have time to process what's going on before the next event is throw our way. And I think, only for a moment, that maybe Mouth is right when he says things would've been better if we'd never left the Rivercourt. I wouldn't have met Nathan, wouldn't have fallen for him, wouldn't have lost him. But it takes me less than a second to brush that thought away. No. I changed, he showed me a new world, new people, a new life. Literally, too, a new life. This brand new life growing inside of me. I wouldn't take it back for the world. If we'd never left the Rivercourt I wouldn't get the chance to know Brooke and Peyton, their real selves. I wouldn't have known true love with Nathan. I probably wouldn't have recorded a song, played, lived my dream. Even if right now I'm not sure that was a good decision. But still, none of it would've happened without Nathan in my life.
So I face Karen once more, before tapping her knee gently and getting up. "I'll go talk to him, ok?"
She gives me half a smile and nods, and I walk towards Lucas' room. I open the door, letting myself in, and see him lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. I keep walking on his direction and lie down beside him. For a few minutes no words are spoken, just each other's presence seems like enough comfort for us.
"You were right… I could've stopped it…" It's not hard to realize how much it hurts him to admit it. And he's right. He could have stopped it. So could Dan, and maybe even I could've. But placing blame won't change anything, won't bring him back, it'll only hurt everyone even more. When I keep in silence, he starts to worry and shifts his position so that he's facing me. But I'm still looking up. "Hales?"
"Yeah?" I answer, not moving.
For a while he doesn't say anything else, and then he lets out a sigh and goes back to his previous position. "Never mind"
More silence. God, why is this so hard? We've been best friends for the last 10 years, and now I can't even say the only words that can make him feel at least a little bit better. It wasn't your fault. I'm not trying to punish him, I don't want him to feel bad. I just can't bring myself to believe those words, let alone say them out loud. A part of me can't help but think everything could've been different if it wasn't for Lucas. That thought alone suddenly makes me cry, when I think of how selfish I'm being, to think those things about him. I cry, and as soon as he notices, he sits up and strokes my hair while I rest my head on his lap. It doesn't take long till I realize he's crying, too. I know exactly what's going through his mind. What if he'd told someone about what Nathan was getting himself into? What if he'd helped him lose the game? And it's not like I hadn't had some of these thoughts myself. That I should've seen it, I should've known something was wrong. My husband! We were living together, how could I not know? I guess those questions are always gonna be there, always bothering us. It's impossible not to think of it. All the possibilities, all the 'what ifs'
"I have to go", I suddenly get up and head to the door, making my way to the street. I let my tears run freely and pray that Lucas doesn't follow me.
"Haley! What are you doing? You can't just walk around town at this time of the night!"
I don't care. I need to get out, I need to be alone, away from everyone. I know they're just trying to help, and I love them for it, but it's too much for now.
"Lucas, please! I need to be alone", I beg him.
"You can be alone all you want. Tomorrow, when the sun is out and it's not dangerous for you"
"I just need to walk for a while. I won't take long. It's Tree Hill anyway, what could happen?"
"You're kidding me, right?" he actually smiles for a moment, and I think of the absurd of what I just said. What could happen? In Tree Hill? Accidents, psycho stalkers, criminal fire, gun shots… you name it, we had it.
I lighten up long enough to return his smile, right before I'm serious again. "Lucas, please…" I look right at him, hoping he can understand it. He then comes near me and just takes his cell out of his pocket and puts it in my hand. "I'll be ok", I'm not so sure as I say the words, and I'm pretty sure I don't sound so convincing, either, but still he nods as I take the phone in my hands. Then I hug him and say it, quietly. "I love you, Luke". If I can't say it's not his fault, or that I don't blame him at all, at least that I can say, and truly mean it. He hugs me tighter.
"I love you too, Hales"
I look at him once more before turning and walking away. I walk, not even acknowledging where I'm headed, I just need to walk and clear my head. But then I can't help but remember. Basically everything. Each memory hurts even worse than the previous one. All of a sudden it starts to rain. Pouring rain. I think of him, and the moment he said the words, almost a prediction, right after Keith's death.
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They were having a picnic on the school field. Just the two of them, under the stars. Talking about their relationship, talking about everything they'd been through already. Haley still felt guilty about the tour. She didn't choose music over Nathan, and she certainly didn't choose Chris. At the moment, though, she felt like it was something she had to do. She needed to know what it was like, needed to follow her dream. But now, most of all, she needed him to understand that. And, for the first time, she felt like he really did. Like she was forgiven, for real.
"I want you to know something", she said as he looked at her, "If anything ever happens to me. If you ever… if you ever lose me…"
She didn't like what she was hearing. Just hearing him say that, just the thought, it hurt her so much. But she knew where he was coming from. Death had come near them all, and they were all thinking, wondering, feeling it. "Nathan…" she tried to protest, but he went on. He needed to tell her, she had to know she made him happy. She always made him happy.
"I want you to know how happy you made me. How wonderful my life was with you and I will always be with you"
"Nothing's going to happen to you"
"I know. I know you're right. But if it does, I just… I want you to be okay, Haley, and know that you made me happy"
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It's like he knew it. I want you to be okay, Haley. How can I be okay? I've made so many mistakes with him. He forgave them, just like I forgave his mistakes. But still… so much time we've spent apart… if I had any idea… God, I never would've left his side. If only I knew it, I would've spent more time with him, fought less, I wouldn't have left. I'd give anything to have the chance to go back and change these things.
The rain gets thicker, but I can barely feel it. I'm shaking, I don't even know if I'm cold or if it's because of the crying. I don't think I can walk anymore, I feel weak. So I kneel on the sidewalk and let myself cry. Not much time has passed, and I don't think I can take it anymore. I try to get up, but almost fall back to the ground. But someone stops it from happening. When I feel someone helping me up, I get scared. I didn't even notice there was another person around. When I look up to see who it is, I'm not even sure I wanted to. But I'm too weak to argue. And when I look at her, she seems… different. Not bitchy, not mean. Just… sad.
"Come on, Haley, let's get you home", Rachel helps me up, and I reluctantly accept her help.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was at Bevin's… actually on my way back, when I heard about… well, you know. Haley, I know you think I'm a terrible person, and I never did anything to prove you wrong, but… I'm really sorry"
I arch my eyebrow, and don't really know what to think. I didn't expect her to be a bitch, but I also didn't expect her to be so upfront about everything. Sure, I don't like the girl, but what happened, it affects everyone, and, as much as I hate to admit it, that includes Rachel. So I nod at what she says, looking down.
"How about you? What are you doing, soaking in the rain?"
"I need to be alone"
"And whilst that's a great idea at times, you might wanna check the weather forecast before doing that again"
That actually gets me to let out a little laugh, and I see it makes Rachel smile. That's just too weird. It's like she's possessed or something, cause that's not the bitchy Rachel I know. I guess Brooke wasn't totally wrong about her, after all.
"Hey… my car's right over there", she points to it, and I'm surprised I didn't even hear it getting close, "I'll drive you home". I shake my head to that, cause just the thought of being home right now is almost unbearable, "…or wherever", she finishes it.
"Yeah… ok…" I start saying something, but then stop.
"What is it?"
"I was actually at your place for a while. I didn't wanna go home, and Brooke took me there. But then she went to see Peyton and I went to see Lucas… but… it's too hard being around him, and after everything I said, to Peyton, too, I guess", I'm babbling, and I'm aware of that.
"So I'll tell you what", she puts both her hands on my shoulders, "You go back to my place, take a nice warm shower before you catch a pneumonia, then you steal some of Brooke's clothes and decide what you wanna do next, how does that sound?"
"You know… it sounds perfect", she seems as surprised as I am when I agree to it right away. I don't know why, but it's so much easier to be around Rachel than anyone else. Maybe cause she doesn't know me as well as Lucas, or Karen, or even Brooke. They all wanna help, but it can be suffocating at times. So it's actually a good thing that we're not close enough – or at all – for her to ask me how I'm doing or if I wanna talk about it. Not that I think she would. Something tells me she's not really good at this whole shoulder to cry on thing. We walk to her car, and as I sit down I remember Lucas' cell phone, that he handed me, so I call him to let him know I'm ok. I hadn't noticed how long it'd been since I left his house.
"Hey… Luke"
"Haley, everything ok? You're not out in the rain, are you?"
"No, well, not anymore. I'm with Rachel", I can almost see the look on his face as I say that.
"Rachel", he states.
"Yeah… I'm going back to her place, so I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Wait, Haley…" he's confused. Of course he's confused. This whole mess is clouding all my judgment and good sense, it's the only explanation. But still, I don't wanna stop to think about it.
"Luke… I just need some time"
I hear him sighing before speaking again. "Ok… take care, Hales"
"You too", I say quickly, before hanging up.
Rachel looks at me a little confused. "Ok, what the hell was that? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't the guy your best friend?" I give her my best 'don't even go there' look and she raises her hand in defeat, "Fine, I was just asking". But it doesn't take too long till she starts talking again. "I don't get you people, though. You and Lucas, Brooke and Peyton… You fight, and then you act like it doesn't bother you, when it's showing in your faces! And you've known each other for like 10 years and keep acting as though you can hide these things and pretend you don't care, or you're not angry, when obviously…"
"Rachel!" God, what's gotten into this girl today? She looks at me as if she just remembered I'm standing beside her.
"Oh, sorry… I'm just saying some people would do anything to have that, and you all have it and it's like you look for reasons to wreck it. Don't take it for granted, Haley"
I look at her and she's totally serious now, and seems even a little worried. And, when I really pay attention, I notice the hint of sadness in her voice when she says some people would do anything to have that.
"I don't. I mean, I don't want to. But it's complicated"
"It usually is", she shrugs, "But we always find a way to make it even worse, don't we?"
I laugh a little and have to nod, agreeing with her.
"Okay then, good thing we agree on that. Now let's go home, before morning comes and you haven't rested yet", she then turns the key on the ignition and we drive to her house.
We don't say much till we're inside. After Rachel lends me some towels and I borrow Brooke's clothes, I go to the shower. And I'm numb. No more tears, I'm not even cold. I can't feel a thing. And that's almost a relief. It doesn't take long till I finish, and slowly leave the bathroom, surprised to see one of the beds all ready, and Rachel sitting on the other one.
"I can sleep in another room, I mean, if you wanna be alone", her voice is quiet, a little unsure, and I quickly shake my head.
"It's your house, Rachel. Your room"
"Haley…" she gets up to sit beside me on Brooke's bed. "I'm really sorry, you know, about everything. You didn't deserve it. Especially being pregnant…" she says, moving her hands nervously.
"It doesn't even matter anymore"
"Yes, it does. Well, at least to me, it does. I just saw it now, life's way too short, and maybe it's time for me to change some things. Fix some mistakes. And I'm not trying to make this about me, but I do wanna help, so…" she reaches out her hand for me to shake it, "what do you say? Willing to give me a second chance?"
I look at her for a moment, till her smile fades and she gets up. "Just get some rest, ok?"
"Rachel, wait", I get up and go to her. And, before I realize it, I give her a quick hug. It's awkward, though. "Thanks. And… you should sleep in your bed. I think I can stand to be around you for a few hours. Especially if you're asleep and quiet"
"Oh, very funny", we both laugh, and she goes to her bed. "Just yell if you need anything, ok?" she turns off the light and I finally relax. It's not ok, it's not right, nothing is. But if I can rest my eyes for half an hour, it's already good enough for now.
"As we move through the bargaining process, the mind alters past events while exploring all those 'what if' and 'if only' statements. Sadly, the mind inevitably comes to the same conclusion... the tragic reality that out loved one is really gone."
