Mako felt like a coward; fleeing into ripping her attention away from Herc and projecting all of it onto the dog, just like Chuck had done. She realized that some time ago when the Marshal's son chose to ignore her for the sake of Max. At least he had somehow managed to distract himself from hating her. Never had she completely understood why her friend suddenly had become a foe and what she had done wrong, since she always had believed that both of them were heading into the same direction, had the same interest, the same goal: fighting Kaiju to honor and avenge their lost loved ones and fulfill their duty. Looking at Herc Mako knew that he at least thought the same way.
She had no idea why he smiled at her like that and looking up at him he did it again. Right now she could not handle him looking at her like that, she could not lock away what it made her feel because restraining her pain from losing her sensei was gnawing at her strength and composure. After all this time, after fighting for her cause, after all this discipline and straining she finally had succeeded, but had lost the family they had been fighting for. All Mako ever had wanted was avenging her lost family and start another life with her new one. She at least had Raleigh and he had her, but standing up, looking at Herc she knew that she wanted Herc to be part of it too. And as he had sensed what his slight smile was doing to her, it faded.
"I... I should try to sleep, we both should", she made a brief nod to underline her words and Herc agreed with the same yet slower gesture.
They headed into the same direction and just that made it impossible for them to go seperate ways without showing that something was wrong.
Mako felt torn. With Stacker always being her fixed point, her supporting shadow, she somewhat felt lost without him, though Raleigh gave her a feeling of being understood she had never known before. He was her best-friend, her brother, her soul-mate, and yet there was something he could not be. For Mako it was hard to admit, because rationally, reasonably speaking Raleigh was the perfect match. He completed her, believed in her doubtlessly, gave her a self-awareness and a feeling of worthiness that she always had lacked despite Stacker's efforts, probably because her sensei and her were too similar. Still Raleigh was not Herc.
Walking next to the man that was old enough to be her father the similarities between the two now most important people in her life could not be more clear: they both were kind, idealistic, focused, reasonable and warm, they both had lost what they loved most in life, and still they moved on, still they played their part without complaining without displaying their torment. They were good men, people one could look up to, people one would trust and follow, and yet they both carried a black hole of pain, loss and doubt inside of them. So what was the difference? Raleigh needed her as much as she needed him, because – simply said – they were the other's medicine, healing old wounds, making each other better; but what was Herc to her?
Mako didn't realize that this question made her look at him until he sensed her gaze and made their eyes meet. There was no way of covering up her red cheeks as she quickly turned her face away and now they were reaching the more bright corridors. Why did Herc made her heart stop, and her mind turn blank and Raleigh didn't? What was the difference? She could not tell, at least not without trying to explain something emotional with rationality. The only thing that came into her mind right there was that Herc was predictable and Raleigh wasn't. Mako swallowed as it hit her. Herc didn't expect anything from her, not that her co-pilot did, but there was a difference, somehow, was it? She knew that right now she was one of the most important things in Raleigh's life. He himself had said that she made him think about the future, about how life would go on. Mako wondered if Herc did the same and shook her head, stopping instantly as she noticed him watching her. Silently she scolded herself once more.
Others might have asked about her head-shake but not him, another thing Raleigh and him were just the same. Now that she had started to think about this, seeing similarities, she couldn't stop. Mako was too tired, to worn to focus and her eyes were still burning from the hour she had spent crying alone.
"How is your shoulder?" she asked to distract herself, although she already knew the answer.
"Still hurtin'", Herc replied just like she had called. "It's fine. The meds make me feel sick."
That was more information than she had expected and from what she knew of him he was just admitting to not taking pain killers. Mako sympathized and was not surprised at all. Physical pain had the effect to distract from the psychological one, which was why she used to work out until she could barely breathe.
"But how can you sleep then?" she needed to know even though she might cross an invisible line here; yet her worry about Herc's well-being was stronger.
There was a pause, a longer one than she had expected, although she should imagine what his answer would be and she was hoping that it didn't.
"I don't", Herc breathed out and Mako heard him continue in her mind, about how he was trying to, and every time he closed his eyes he would see Chuck, hear him, when he sleep he would dream about his dead son.
At least this was what happened when she tried to sleep. Still she had never drifted with her surrogate father, never had been that ultimately close and intimate with him. Mako knew that despite their similar experiences, only Raleigh could possibly imagine what Herc went through, and it tormented her.
