Breaking your own heart part 3

Lost.

Bella's POV.

Three months had past now since I stopped talking to Edward and the others. I know it wasn't the right way to handle this but I couldn't break up with him. I couldn't say the words to set him free but I thought if I ignored them long enough, he would move on. The first month for me was the absolute worst! I didn't even have Alice around to help me through this because she wouldn't understand … she's always talking about wedding plans. I was all alone to sufferer in my self-sacrifice and it was killing me! That's when I did something I almost shouldn't have; I called Jacob Black. He was once my best friend when we were little kids, before I even met Alice and her family, but when I started dating Edward we didn't really talk much. That first month without him, I needed someone I could talk to … someone I could use as a friend. Jake came to my rescue after all these years and after everything I had put him through while I was dating Edward. It was like we were old friends again … except Jake was a lot more muscular now and we were a lot older than when we were kids, playing together.

That night before, when Edward had tried to come talk to me … I thought it was Jake and now Edward knew I was talking to him again. But it was more than that, … Jake was helping me. Jacob knew how much Edward means to me and doesn't understand why I would put myself through this torment but he made any arguments with me. The night before Edward showed up I realized why. Jacob likes me … really likes me and he had made that clear when he kissed me. It started out normal enough, I was having a horrible night and called him to come over. He came and allowed me to cry into his shoulders for hours until I was calm enough to talk to. Then he tried calming me down and comforting me. Well comforting lead to holding and holding lead to … when he told me he hated to see me crying over him and that he loved me. Jake kissed me suddenly and I was frozen in shock at the time. I must have yelled at him for like three hours after that but couldn't stay mad at him for very long. He was my only chance to get through everything I was going through right now. I needed him too much!

"Bella, you ready yet?" Jacob yelled from down stairs, Charlie must have been bugging him again.

"Coming!" I yelled back. "I'll be right down."

I could easily picture the heavy sigh and the rolling of the eyes from Jake. He had been driving me to and from my college classes, now that Edward knew he was around I didn't need to hide him. Over the past few months I had gotten very good at avoiding the Cullen's and the Hale's and still continued with classes. I had no idea how I had been managing it cause I had most of my classes with Alice but she eventually gave up trying to talk to me. Just like the others had and after that night with Edward, so had he. In fact, I hadn't seen Edward around anyone since that night … not even Alice. They all would usually have lunch somewhere on campus during the guys' lunch breaks from work. I had been hiding out in the bookstore to avoid running into all of them but I could still watch them as they hung out. … Edward had been missing for weeks now. Jake said I was over thinking about something that had nothing to do with me anymore. He was right but it still stung.

"Took you long enough, this is your class after all." Jake teased with a smile as I climbed into his car.

"Yeah I know, sorry." I apologized sincerely anyway. "I was just a little distracted this morning. Edward still hasn't shown up for their lunch dates and its been over a month now."

He sighed as he started driving. "And this concerns you, how?" Jacob asked using that 'you're doing it again' tone.

"I still care about him, Jake." I answered sharply. "I mean, that's the whole reasoning I'm doing this in the first place; right? Because I know he'll be better off without me and that he needs to find someone who deserves to be with him!"

"Sure, sure Bells." Jacob waved me off. "But what about you? … What about finding someone that deserves to be with you? Someone to make you happy and who will always be with you."

"Well, I guess I'll worry about that later." I answered without looking at him now, Jake meant well but I really had no intention of finding someone else for me … Edward was the one.

"Sure, Bells." Jacob replied as he pulled into the parking lot.

I got out with a quiet goodbye and left him behind me. Jacob was always talking like that now. Giving me little hints that I needed to move on without really saying the words but I just couldn't do that. I also couldn't tell him I couldn't do that because I was afraid he'd stop trying. I know Jake is my friend and he wouldn't leave me when I needed him the most but if he found out there would be no chance for us to be together then he might wish that he could leave. My day pasted in a hazy blur of teacher's lectures and sloppy notes as my mind was more focused on other things. … Things like Jacob and his all consuming hoping and Edward still not showing us to hang out with his family. I know its just one time of day that I'm spying on them so he's probably around them the rest of the time. But it still makes me worry. He had never missed a lunch date with them before and now its been a whole month without him there. What was he doing instead of spending time with them? Was he stay at work or was he, … was he with someone else?

"Hey, Bella!" A voice called from behind me as I walked into my first class. "Did you get those notes from yesterday?"

I turned and sure enough, it was Mike. I had been borrowing his notes since my mind was too busy to take any useful ones myself. The poor boy still had a huge crush on me and I know it was wrong but I could use the help. Mike was like a lost puppy that just didn't get the hint I didn't want to take him home with me. It was sad but right now, other than Jake, he was my closest thing to a friend.

"Uh, yeah." I said distractedly as I handed him his notebook. "Thanks again Mike, its really been a lot of help."

"Did you want to hang out after class, get some coffee or something?" Mike asked … as he usually did.

"Umm, sorry Mike." I answered seeming to think about it for a minute or so. "I just remembered, I already have plans. Plus I don't drink coffee … but maybe next time."

"Yeah, … maybe." Mike answered a little disappointed as we both walked in and took our seats just as the lesson started.

I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid getting asked out by Mike and any other lonely guy that looked like he had something on his mind. … Since Edward wasn't hanging around me anymore, it was like high school all over again. What was wrong with guys? I started hiding out in the bookstore more often than going to most of my classes, not that I had much of them in the first place. Jacob was always on time when it came to picking me up and he could tell I had a bad day. I didn't want to talk about it with him but he seemed to have other plans as he locked me in the car until I did tell him. He was being to hate Mike about as much as someone else I know. … Used to know, I guess. Sadness and misery; my friends. I got home to find Charlie gone again, he's been working a lot more lately and coming home so tired. My poor father. I spent my time reviewing my lesson plans again and cooking dinner. I was just about finished when I heard a knock at the door. It surprised me and I almost dropped the hot plate of food I was carrying.

I rushed to get the door. "I'm coming, … Just a minute!" I called as I ran from one room to the next, unsure as to who it could be.

"I still had a key but I wanted to knock so I didn't frighten you by just walking in." Alice said as she rounded the corner just as I was walking into the living room. "Hope its ok."

"Alice." I froze in place … unsure of how to act now.

Its been so long since I've seen her … well seen her up close and talked to her. I thought for sure, she and the others would hate for me for what I did to Edward. Alice especially should never have wanted to talk to me again. So what was she doing here, come to yell at me maybe? That would be nothing compared to what I deserve … even if I was doing what was for the best.

"We NEED to talk." Alice said stressing her point but she didn't sound as angry as I was expecting to hear.

"Alice I'm willing to hear whatever you have to say but it won't change my mind." I answered honestly as I lead her to sit down on the couch with me. "I've made up my mind and its for the best."

"Edward is leaving." Alice said once we were both sitting. "I know that's blunt but he said he's taking some job or whatever and I don't know what happened between you and I almost don't care. You have to tell him not to go. Edward isn't listening to us anymore and you just can't let him go like this Bella!"

"Oh, … He's, … he's taking the job." I stuttered out trying to not let her words bother me, I was failing. "G, good for him."

"BELLA you aren't listening!" Alice snapped. "Edward. Leaving. For GOOD? … NOT a good thing, Bella."

"Alice … this, this is want I wanted." I told her truthfully. "I wanted him to move on with his life. The life he's supposed to have and to find someone he's meant to be with."

She looked at me like I was insane. "ARE YOU CRAZY?" Alice snapped waving her arms about. "He already has found the one he's supposed to be with BUT SHE won't talk to him anymore. Edward's spent the last month planning his escape from here."

"Its good that he's moving on, Alice." I said simply while not looking at her anymore, I didn't want to hear anymore.

"Bella you don't get it." Alice said trying to gain my attention again. "Bella, he quit his job here, he's sold his car … His Baby even! He even tried to give me his apartment so he wouldn't have to sell that. Edward has spent most of the last month making plans to leave here but he's made no moves to go anywhere else. I even called that place with the job, … they said he never called back."

"What's your point Alice?" I asked trying not to listen.

"Edward hasn't been the same since you left." Alice told me and I could hear the sadness and worry in her voice. "He's been distant and not eating or sleeping well. Hasn't packed a since box since he said he was going to move and yet he talks about leaving any day now. We are all worried about him but he won't talk to us anymore. In the beginning Mom was going over to cook for him and stuff but he wouldn't even let her in at some point."

"He's not talking to you?" I asked confused now. "At all?"

"Not since last month." Alice answered softly. "We don't even know why but something really broke him, Bella."

Thinking back on what Alice was saying, I couldn't stop the single tear that escaped my eyes. As it slipped down I thanked myself for turning away from her, she could see my weakness now. They don't know what had broken him but I do, a month ago was when Edward came to talk to me. When I told him to go and leave me alone, … when he found out Jake had been hanging around me. I told him to leave so he would move on with his life but it seems he's only been breaking apart. I've been broken since I knew I had to leave him but I know he will pull together soon. I hate to hear of him in any kind of pain like this but I know he will move on. He should move on and find someone that will make him forget me.

"He'll be alright, Alice." I whispered in defeat as I tried to pull myself together enough to finish this talk. "He'll be fine."

"Edward isn't as strong as you think." Alice whispered back and I could feel her hand lightly places on my shoulder. "And you don't have to be either. We all really miss you both, Bella."

"Someday, … someday I'll come back Alice." I told her. "We'll be best friends again, and it'll alright. But I can't right now. Sorry."

"Please Bella. … If you love him, you'll at least try to talk to him." Alice begged as she stood and headed for the door. "Just please, all I'm asking is you talk to him. Call me later ok?"

With that last word she was gone. I had no right to talk to Edward now. Alice was begging me to do something he would never allow. It was sure to be too late to call but, for my best friend, I would try. I felt myself breaking down again and soon Dad would be home, I couldn't allow him to find me like this. I rushed to the kitchen to put his dinner in the oven to stay warm and wrote out a note. I told him I had a class I needed to study for and was going to school. Told him where to find his dinner and to not wait up and then I took off running after making sure to grab my keys and cell phone. I had no idea where I was driving to or anything at the moment but I just had to get away. I had to drive and forget the rest of the world for a while. Drive until I ran out of gas or I found a place to hide. The emotions breaking through me now were too strong and I couldn't be see by anyone. I had no right to feel this way and I had know idea why I was. Edward would be alright and he would move on and that's why I left him; so he could move on. So he wouldn't have to someday, break my heart. I just did it to save him the trouble. I was willing to break my own heart to save him. So now I had to run and hide away from the world as I fell apart, not even Jake could save me this time. I was slowly dying inside and out.

I had been driving for hours now, looking up and down streets. Looking for something but unable to figure out what I was trying to find. Time was passing and I was sure I had gotten myself lost. I didn't recognize anything around me but I didn't feel lost, I felt like I was getting close. Close to what I wondered? I was sure I had never driven down these streets before but something was familiar. Maybe when I was with Charlie … or maybe with the Cullens but I couldn't tell for sure. I most not have been paying much attention, wherever I was going … I really wanted to get there already. My heart was feeling heavy and my tears were only moments away. I continued to drive only seconds away from just pulling off to the side of the road and breaking down. But something kept me driving on … something I couldn't understand. Something I wasn't willing to fight at the moment, I just wanted it to be over already.

"Where the hell is this place?" I yelled as I drove. "What am I even looking for, why can't I just lay down and cry somewhere?"

Just as the last word slipped from my lips, I realized why these surroundings looked familiar but unknown to me. I was taking the road that Edward used on that night, when he took me to this special place. The little hidden beauty among the rumble. The night I realized what I had to do in order to save him from himself. The place where I found and lost my reason for love. We had a little disagreement and then I made up our minds for us. It had to be done but now I'm dealing with the consequences. Heartbreak. Why would I want to come back to this place, take this road that leads me down to the place I started breaking down? What peace could I find in the beautiful place that took my peace world and turned everything upside down? I couldn't understand and yet, I couldn't fight the pull I felt to find that place again. I needed to be there. … Or maybe I just needed comfort and love, that was the last place I'd truly felt happy in so long. The last place my mind was naive.

"This is stupid!" I shouted as I pulled off the road and found some run down building's parking lot, I needed to stop running away.

No, I needed him. ... But I couldn't have him. I found myself staring down at me cell, sitting in the seat next to me. I was willing to wait … give him some space but I had promised, I'd try. I slowly picked up my phone and stared at it in my hands. Thinking of a reason not to call him, to turn around and just go home. I tried to think of one but as soon as I picked up my cell, my tears went away. I wasn't on the point of breaking down anymore. I wasn't fixed, far from but I had pushed back the tears once again. I found myself unable to put my phone down and so instead, I dialed the number I thought I'd never call again. Edward Cullen. … But there was no ring, it went straight to voice mail and my heart fell. I tried again, … nothing changed. My last shred of hope was to text him.

Bella's text message to Edward Cullen:
Are you there? … Please.

Edward's text message to Bella:
Not for much longer. … Did Alice talk to you?

Bella's text message to Edward:
Yes, she's worried about you. I told her you'd be alright.

Ten minutes passed before the next message was received.

Edward's text message to Bella:
That was nice of you.

Bella's text message to Edward:
I know you will, Edward. You'll move on soon.

Edward's text message to Bella:
There is no moving on, just leaving.

Bella's text message to Edward:
Leaving where?
Alice said you sold your stuff but didn't take that job?

Edward's text message to Bella:
That job doesn't matter now, nothing matters soon.

Bella's text message to Edward:
What does that mean, Edward?

Then everything Alice was saying made more sense than I wished it had. Edward was feeling broken and lost and he thought that I had moved on because Jake was with me. When he really wasn't. Edward had sold everything he could, dropped the ball on that job offer but was still telling everyone he was going to leave. He was acting weird, cutting Esme and everyone else out of his life. Edward was getting rid of everything he wasn't willing to loose and now … he was talking to me. Calm and cool but distant.

Bella's text message to Edward:
Where are you?

Edward's text message to Bella:
It doesn't matter anymore. … It won't matter soon.

Bella' text message to Edward:
WHERE ARE YOU? What are you doing?

Twenty minutes passed before the next message was received.

Edward's text message to Bella:
I guess someone should know.
I've come to the last beautiful place I know … to kill myself :)

With that my worst fears were brought to life. The car was started and I was driving again before my first tear fell from my eyes. I still wasn't sure where exactly this place was, I hadn't paid much attention before and now I needed to be there. Now! I couldn't understand what was going through his mind right now but all I know is I had to find him and soon because he wasn't allowed to do this to the world. I glanced at my phone as it lay forgotten on the seat, his message still on the screen. I couldn't be lost right now, he needed me and I had to stop him. Before it was too late! I had to find him. Edward couldn't possibly be serious but I couldn't take the chance that he was. I finally found the right parking lot and was running out of the car in an instant. Car door left open and the keys were still in the ignition. I completely didn't care. The only thing going through my mind was 'I need to find Edward'!