I know that some people don't like the idea of Rachel cheating and think that I'm dragging her very out of character. If that is the case, I would advise not to read on. I will do my best to stay true to Rachel's matured character as I perceive it and to portray the motivations behind their decisions and actions. I will say though, that a challenge of fanfiction is to push characters beyond their predictable comfort zones, into uncomfortable situations and to find a way to make it work.
Caught In Your Bad Romance
"Now, dehydration synthesis is an anabolic process by which two molecules are chemically bonded through the use of enzymes and a loss of water. For example…"
Mr Harris's voice registered only as a dull drone in the back of Rachel's mind. She stared down at the open textbook that lay on her desk and tried to force her hand to copy down his words without them actually passing through her conscious thoughts. Lifting her head, she snuck another glance at the clock and quietly despaired at the temporal anomaly that was currently swallowing her time. Where had the period gone? Where had the day gone, for that matter? The sharp needles jerked around the notches in a persistent march, ignorant to her silent glare.
Returning to her notebook, Rachel briefly debated blowing off the impending Glee rehearsal. Really, she just wanted to go home and sleep. She was shattered. Her emotions had been on razor wire all day, grating against her nerves until they almost bled. She could barely think straight anymore – as if the insanity that had set in last night had warped her entire reality into two fragmented mirrors. In one, her life carried on as normal. One in which she'd settled into her boyfriend's embrace like it was the most natural thing in the world as they walked through the corridors that morning. One where her smile was bright and genuine, the familiar touch of his lips welcome and sweet as they parted ways at her next class. Where she smiled at his photo inside her locker as she collected her books; where she dodged slushies with varying degrees of success; where they sat with their friends at lunch and gossiped about class, Miss Sylvester's latest feud, exchanged song ideas and plans for the weekend. Where she was Rachel Berry: Glee Club's top drama queen and Finn Hudson's high maintenance girlfriend. Where her world made sense and everything was as it should be.
In the other, everything was out of control. One where her stomach clenched in nauseous knots as she passed a simple chemistry classroom, before she quickly wrapped herself tighter in Finn's embrace. Where her lips still stung and her body still burned from a memory that was far too vivid to have been a dream. Where she cast nervous glances over her shoulder, convinced people were whispering his name. Where she felt like she was walking on a high wire, the sharp metal cutting into the soles of her bare feet, a taught balance that would snap at any moment. Traitorous whispers stealing through her mind; a simmering, destructive secret that gnawed at her insides.
When had this happened? When had she become the girl who could look her boyfriend in the eyes and smile, knowing she was betraying him? Rachel stared at the pen in her hand as it continued to draw neat loops and strokes across the page in familiar patterns that made no sense. She remembered when she'd first seen him this morning: he'd been waiting by the doors at their usual spot, rucksack slung idly over one shoulder, talking away to one of the less obnoxious members of the football team. She'd hesitated, not really wanting to interrupt. After all, she tended to try and avoid his teammates as a rule, seeing as she was still a prime humiliation target for the majority of them. She knew how Finn still struggled sometimes to comfortably accommodate her and Glee with his sports commitments. But then he'd caught sight of her and that same shy, quiet smile had felt like a vicious punch to Rachel, knocking her breathless. Throat painfully raw, she had wanted for one desperate moment to blurt it all out, to be free from the crushing guilt and confusion and plead for him to understand.
But she just couldn't bring herself to. Rachel would never beg anyone for anything. This had been her choice and she was just going to have to find a way to deal; find a way to keep her life together, to keep the things that mattered from being dragged under and lost to this mess. Maybe she couldn't save herself from her worst weakness, inevitably it would leave her with fresh scars to regret, she knew that – but she wouldn't let it hurt anyone else. She would be strong where it counted.
The pen trembled and she quickly pressed her lips together, as if her very breath would somehow give her away. The pressure of keeping up an easy façade, of putting on a flawless act, was intense. A humourless smile crossed her lips: she didn't know how Jesse could stand it. But things had changed. Maybe she was still a fool, but she was a fool with eyes wide open this time; and she would match him lie for lie if she had to.
Lifting a hand to her mouth, she stifled a stretching yawn. Unsuccessfully, as it turned out.
"Rachel, are we keeping you up?"
She heard an outbreak of sniggers behind her. Straightening her shoulders with dignity, she flashed her teacher a suitable abashed smile. "No, I'm sorry."
Mr Harris sniffed in disapproval and pushed his glasses further up his nose before returning to the wonders of macromolecules. Rachel sat up in her seat and struck the practised pose of an attentive student. No mean feat considering just how tired she really was. She had barely slept the night before; her overactive mind spinning so fast with turmoil that she jerked awake every few hours from a restless doze, only to rehash the whole debacle with a fresh resolve that too quickly crumbled before breaking all over again. She'd already stepped in too deep with Jesse to pull back completely, last night had proved that. It was just about damage control now.
She'd felt like screaming into her pillow in frustration. This wasn't meant to happen. This was not part of Rachel Berry's plan. This was her life, and Jesse had not been granted a recurring role in it. She had thought this was by mutual agreement. Apparently, she'd thought wrong.
But she would never be his again. That part of her life had been firmly and rightfully cast already. Rachel gave a mental grimace as the silent debate continued to rage. But Finn deserved better than this. If she had any decency left, any trace of the girl she had always claimed to be, she would tell him. She would let him go rather than risk his hurt, but she knew she couldn't. It wasn't as if Finn hadn't made stupid, weak mistakes himself. She was just more self aware. It didn't mean she liked it. It didn't mean she didn't wish she could stop.
Finn was her boyfriend, the one she would go home to, the one she belonged with. That was the way the story was meant to be; the ending everyone expected; the future she had worked so hard to make happen. He was still what mattered. She couldn't lose him. Rachel felt her stomach turn over sickeningly at the thought.
She just couldn't.
Refocusing her attention on the board, she saw that Mr Harris was laying out the homework for next week and a fresh wave of unease skittered through her mind. The thought of bolting out the school the moment the bell rang was ridiculously tempting. The rebellious inkling was quickly squashed though; Rachel had responsibilities that she wouldn't abandon, no matter how tangled her personal life got. Besides, several of her fellow members were in this very class, sitting just a few rows away, and Rachel never missed practice. If she were to suddenly bail, it would look suspicious.
No, skipping rehearsal just wasn't an option.
So when the bell finally went a few minutes later, she dutifully packed away her stuff and stood up to meet her teammates with a practised smile of eager anticipation; ready to face anything life threw at her.
Together they weaved through the crush of escaping students towards the choir room, Tina and Mercedes flanking her on either side as the conversation quickly turned from homework assignments to boyfriend gossip. Apparently Artie had invited Tina over to have dinner on Friday night and meet his mom, and she was freaking out about it.
"It's just I've never had to meet a boyfriend's parents before. What am I supposed to talk about all evening? What am I meant to wear? I mean, what if his mom doesn't want her son dating a girl with a slight obsession with death? But I don't have anything else! I suppose I could go shopping-"
"Don't you dare, girl," Mercedes cut in, putting a halt to Tina's anxious ramble. "You wouldn't change for Artie, so there's no way you should even consider hiding who you are for his folks. If they got a problem, it's their problem – not yours. Just go in confident."
"That's easy for you to say," she mumbled before perking up in curiosity. "Have you met Patrick's parents yet?"
"Hell no!" Mercedes laughed loudly. "We've only been dating for a month! But I got nothing to worry about. Parents love me."
Tina looked downcast again and Rachel cast a sympathetic look at the girl beside her, looping her arm through hers in solidarity. The three girls proceeded to contemplate the conversational dos and don'ts of that type of situation for the rest of the trip to rehearsal.
When they walked into the choir room, most of the group was already assembled but Mr Schue hadn't yet arrived and the chatter was boisterous with a familiar energy. Rachel slipped into her usual seat beside Finn, a potent combination of relief and guilt wrenching in her gut as his hand automatically found hers. She squeezed it back with a smile before turning to catch up with Mike who was sitting just behind her.
Rehearsal passed with relative predictability, starting with another pep talk about the upcoming competition and continuing on into the solos for that day. As Kurt took to the floor to perform his selection, Rachel felt Finn draw her slightly closer and almost smiled in gentle exasperation at the unconscious reflex, even though they both knew that Kurt's attention lay elsewhere these days.
A lingering memory suddenly nudged into her mind, replacing one touch with another, one that belonged to a different time. Rachel briefly shut her eyes as the old feeling resurfaced: Jesse's arm slung casually over the back of her chair, body tilted ever so slightly towards hers, critical amusement in his eyes as they watched their fellow members take turns performing. Shaking the image out of her mind, she nestled her head against Finn's shoulder and let Kurt's voice wash over her restless thoughts; willing herself to pretend for just a bit longer that her world hadn't been tilted violently off its axis and sent spinning off into the wilderness of space.
Amelia followed Kurt, jumping up to take her place on the floor before Mr Schue could even get a word in. Flicking her pixie cut black hair away from her face, she nodded to the pianist and turned back to face the rest of the Glee Club. Puck muttered something rude under his breath that made Quinn roll her eyes and Rachel hide a reluctant smile.
As the opening words of 'My Funny Valentine' filled the choir room in that clear, lilting voice, she straightened in her seat to watch the performance more closely. Amelia definitely had an alluring quality to her voice, Rachel had been mature enough to recognize that right from the beginning, but it was nowhere near polished. It was almost brash in places, demanding attention rather than earning it; there was no discipline there. But the bigger problem was that she kept stepping on Rachel's style. There was only room for one Broadway Queen in this club.
She narrowed her eyes slightly in examination, a crease forming between her brows as she listened. Still, there was no denying it: the girl was good.
Rachel nearly jumped as she felt her phone vibrate sharply inside her pocket, breaking her concentration. Typical that Jesse could make her tingle when he wasn't even in the room. She tensed, her fingers winding more firmly into her boyfriend's, as if he could somehow keep her grounded even as she was already in free-fall. The illusion of safety was all she had left. The small cell phone suddenly felt like a burning coal next to her body, refusing to be avoided. She could feel his waiting words warm against her hip, but she didn't dare reach for them.
She barely noticed when Amelia's song ended; not until the room broke out in applause around her. Finally regaining the club's attention, Mr Schue proceeded to call them round the piano to run through some vocal exercises. There was a general scuffle of movement and chatter as people stood up and Rachel took the opportunity to slip away and steal some privacy. With a quick word to Finn, she broke off from the group and headed for the corridor. She caught a glance of Santana whispering something to Brittany with a smirk, but she ignored them.
Ducking into the nearest bathroom, she pressed her back against the door and waited for several moments, checking to make sure she was definitely alone. Closing her eyes, she simply rested in the white-tiled quiet for a while, but soon found that it was only making her heart beat all the louder. In resignation, she finally withdrew her phone and flipped it open, a strange flutter of dread and excitement stirring in her stomach.
When do you finish?
Rachel hesitated. The text was an invitation but her response would be confirmation: a commitment and agreement to all the risks involved in playing this dangerous game with him.
She walked over to the sinks and cold water splashed down into the bowl, breaking the quiet with a low gurgling. She cupped her hands and raised them to her face, letting the icy water smart against her heated skin. It was painfully refreshing, but it didn't bring the sudden clarity she was hoping for. Drying herself off, she stared at her reflection over the basin, brushing some damp hair off her forehead. Rachel hated feeling out of control, and it was a feeling that seemed to surround Jesse in spades. She knew from bitter experience just how fast things could spiral around him; how quickly the wind could change.
Her eyes slid back to the silent cell phone that rested beside the sink: waiting, demanding an answer. Of course, she didn't have to give him one. She could ignore it. Ignore it all and hope the whole complicated nightmare went away.
But Rachel wasn't that naïve anymore.
Trying to pick her words carefully, she ended up comprising on an evasive half-truth.
I'm not sure. It could be late though, we've a lot of stuff to get through.
She watched her message disappear, crossing satellites on its path back to him, before closing her phone, not entirely sure what she had accomplished in their brief exchange. Letting out a breath, she tried to force herself to relax, to compose herself before heading back to rehearsal. This was thwarted however, when her phone abruptly hummed in response against her palm.
Well, I suppose I could always come and pick you up if you'd prefer? Slide to a dramatic stop right in front of the doors and sweep you off your feet in person, before whisking you away into the sunset. Do you think anyone would notice?
Rachel felt her eyebrows rising in panic and incredulity as she read the teasing threat. She was almost sure he was kidding.
Do it and die, St. James.
She lingered this time, reluctant curiosity getting the better of her, knowing he wouldn't be able to resist replying. He didn't keep her waiting long.
Tsk, how rude, Miss Berry. I'm sure Juliet never spoke to Romeo in such a manner when they were arranging their clandestine meetings.
She rolled her eyes.
Well, maybe she should have. Maybe then their doomed affair wouldn't have led to such epic tragedy. Maybe she should have just married Paris and left Romeo to go running back to the Montagues where he belonged.
Silence greeted her response for a long moment and she suddenly wondered if perhaps her words had cut too close to the bone. Of course, she should have known better by now.
True. But then wouldn't life be just so boring?
Rachel felt her lips curving despite herself.
Shut up.
/o/
Jesse smirked as the final, blunt message came through. He could almost picture the side smile on her lips: the same one she used to get whenever he made her laugh while she was trying to be mad. He'd always liked that look on her. Maybe that was why he enjoyed winding her up so much.
Smiling to himself, he snapped the phone shut. With a purr of tyres against tarmac, a sleek black car pulled out of McKinley High's parking lot, swinging back onto the main road with a smooth flourish.
Threats were never idle with Jesse St. James. Still, if there was one person whose wrath he possibly wanted to avoid, it was Rachel Berry's.
/o/
As it turned out, practice didn't end up carrying on that much longer. As soon as they were instructed with their next assignment, the club was dismissed and the members quickly dispersed, going their own separate ways for the night.
She wasn't quite sure how it happened, but Rachel had found herself roped in to going along to the ice cream parlour with Finn, Mercedes and Patrick on a kind of informal double date. She'd made quick objections but Patrick had assured her the place catered to her diet, and she had to admit, she'd been pleasantly surprised by the choice of non-diary ice cream available there. They'd quickly snagged the comfiest booth and set to work on their sundaes, the conversation moving easily between school, sports, music and club gossip. As Finn rested his arm across her shoulders and Mercedes laughed at Patrick's storytelling, the sharp twinge in her gut had slowly receded until she felt almost normal.
Being accepted socially was still something she was getting used to. She kept expecting it all to break down again when they remembered just how much she really annoyed them.
Hugging her jumper tighter around her she continued to march briskly up her street, staring down at the sidewalk under her feet, lost in thought. Finn had offered to walk her home but she'd declined; she needed the time to herself, hoping the fresh night air would help to clear her head.
"How was your date?"
Rachel's head snapped up in surprise, hand flying to her chest as she jerked to a stop just in front of her dark house. She peered through the shadows in suspicion, even though she already knew who was there waiting for her. There was something in his voice she couldn't quite place, but it made her feel uncomfortable.
"What, you're spying on me now?" Her tone was sharp with accusation as she pinned him in a cool glare.
Jesse shrugged, still leaning back beside her front door in poised slouch that was so familiar it made her heart lurch in her chest. "No, just observant. Last time I checked, Vocal Adrenaline were the only ones who rehearsed 'til after ten at night." His lips tilted up in a knowing smile and Rachel reluctantly let her defensiveness drop. With a sigh, she slowly walked the rest of the distance to her door, stepping past him.
She felt him push off from the wall but didn't look up as she fished her keys out. She shook her head. "You shouldn't be here, Jesse. My dads-"
"-aren't home." His voice was low and enticing against the nape of her neck, sending an electric current jolting down her spine. She could feel his body close at her back and her breathing kicked up a notch.
She smiled but didn't turn around. "Now I know you're spying."
He laughed into her shoulder, the warm sound slipping over her skin in a soft vibration. She pushed the door open and let him follow her inside, quickly busying herself with switching on the lights and dumping her bag.
"I'm thirsty," she blurted out before wincing at how awkward she sounded. "Do you want something?"
"I'm fine."
Rachel quickly disappeared into the adjoining kitchen, leaving Jesse alone in the living room to amuse himself. He'd been in her house enough times before to be more than comfortable; though of course, Jesse had a gift of feeling at ease wherever he was. Grateful to escape that piercing gaze for a few moments, she rinsed out a clean glass and ordered herself to get a grip.
"How was rehearsal anyway?" His voice carried through easily from the other room. Rachel gauged the question for a second, but it only seemed to contain casual interest.
"Good," she replied after a pause. Exhausting and frustrating, she added mentally. She suddenly wished she could ask him how he had managed it, how he'd coped with the pressure and stress of carrying the heart of a performance for his whole team when the stakes were so high. For a moment, she wished so much that she could just share the highs and lows of such an intense experience with the only other person who had been in the same position.
But she wouldn't. It only brought up sore memories that neither wanted to discuss, and besides it was just something she wouldn't admit to anyone – especially not him. Rachel usually thrived on demanding pressure when it was helping her towards future success, she knew her dreams of stardom wouldn't come true without relentless dedication, but it didn't mean she wasn't still susceptible to nerves from time to time; that she didn't still have fleeting moments of terrifying doubt. And that was something Jesse would never understand.
Her brow furrowed in thought as she crushed some ice into her glass, diverting her attention to other less sensitive concerns.
"Mr Schue gave Amelia another solo," she added finally. She tried to sound nonchalant, like she was only making conversation, but she could hear the irritation edging into her voice as she continued. "I know that he wants to seem fair and I can appreciate that, really I can. It's good for team morale after all. Still, with Regionals coming up, we really should be concentrating the effort where it matters."
She kept talking, not sure and not really caring if he could hear her or not, it just felt good to vent at last. The whole issue had been grating on her for while. Something she'd been stewing over in silence, a touchy subject that she had given up trying to discuss with Finn and the others. She knew this was an unattractive quality in her, but she was fed up of having her concerns dismissed as typical prima donna behaviour whenever she tried to bring it up.
"I know she's been pushing for a bigger role in the set list performances, it's so obvious. I mean, she's okay, but it's all flash and no substance if you ask me. Her breathing technique is amateur to start with, it would be one thing if she had been trained properly, but the others just can't seem to see past it." She almost growled in frustration and took a few gulps of water, before quickly resuming her flow.
In the living room, a wry smile touched Jesse's lips. Rachel hated having her crown threatened: it made her feel insecure, even though she would never admit it. He supposed it was a natural and understandable reaction, but it was still unwarranted. That club would be nothing better than mediocre without Rachel. Talent like hers didn't come along very often, and when it did, it never passed under Jesse's radar. He knew that she'd been instrumental in pulling that team together and giving them a shot at the big competitions for the first time in years. She'd been the only possible threat to Vocal Adrenaline's Regionals victory last year; McKinley wouldn't have been worthy of a passing mention otherwise. Still, they'd never stood a real chance against Carmel. Not while Jesse was still Vocal Adrenaline at heart.
He frowned slightly in consideration. The name was unfamiliar to him; New Directions had obviously expanded since his time. But if they were really determined to enter the big leagues, then they'd better get used to rising frictions and dirty politics. Success came with a price and there was always someone snapping at your heels when you were at the top. Jesse had seen off more than a few 'competitors' during his high school career, though he used the term very loosely. It was just something Rachel was going to have to learn for herself.
Still, there was something strangely endearing about her when she was indignant and ranting away like this. It was a unique Rachel Berry trait that he remembered very well. He smiled to himself and turned to let his gaze drift across the arrangement of framed photos that lined the shelves beside him.
There was one of when she must have been only seven or eight, obviously having just won another talent competition. The small trophy adorned with a glittering silver star was clutched tightly in her hands as the little girl grinned toothily at the camera, dark hair pulled into two sleek plaits, eyes bright and face unabashedly happy. She had been lifted up into her dads' arms for the photo, both beaming proudly at their absurdly talented daughter. Jesse touched a finger to the picture frame in silent thought. Excitable, starry-eyed with determination, protected in an embrace of unconditional love – she looked every inch the definition of innocent, raw potential. Even then, she seemed confident that the world would one day grant her dreams.
But innocence was quickly taken and trust was easily broken.
Withdrawing his hand, his eyes fell upon another picture, containing a familiar group. It must have been taken shortly after their victory at Sectionals. Mr Schuester was laughing and holding the typically oversized trophy as equally joyous grins stretched the faces of every member of New Directions. Their cheeks were flushed and costumes rumpled from performance; arms flung across shoulders and hands thrown up in the air in celebration. It must have been this year's competition; the differences were easy to spot. They looked older, more self assured. Jesse's gaze focused on the laughing couple at the centre of the group. Finn had grown taller and bulked out since last year. Rachel looked luminous, glowing with unbridled excitement as she hugged Finn tightly with a beaming smile, so proud of everything they had just accomplished. Her team.
It was her life without him. Her real life; the one she was so fiercely protecting. And she'd been happy.
Looking away sharply, Jesse frowned and tried to settle his thoughts back under control. He glanced off towards the kitchen where he could still hear her talking away to herself, like she always did whenever she was awkward and pre-occupied. A sly smile pulled his lips. Maybe he should do something about that.
Rachel drew in a surprised breath, cutting off mid-sentence, as she felt his arms suddenly wrap around her waist from behind. She hadn't noticed him sneak up.
"Tough day. Sounds like you need to relax."
She could hear the playful smile in his voice and turned around but before she could answer him, Jesse lifted her off her feet, twirling them across the floor. Rachel shrieked, hiding her laugh in his neck as she let him pull her away from the counter. She slipped into his embrace so easily it sent a physical echo shooting up through her body.
The exultant feeling on that crowded stage as everyone cheered, enjoying the high of an energetic number and another great show. The sensation of his body gripping her tightly, his smile pressed into her shoulder as he spun them around, together and finally out in the open; the moment when she had begun to truly believe that everything might just work out after all. The club's first performance after he'd supposedly quit Vocal Adrenaline.
'For you.'
Rachel felt her stomach twist as the memories overlapped and quickly shut her eyes tighter, blocking out everything but the solid feeling of his arms around her now, holding her to him so firmly, as if she were in danger of slipping out of his reach again.
He finally replaced her on her feet and pulled back to catch her gaze, hands locking around her lower back, keeping her close. Every fibre in Rachel's body was taught with simmering energy, her breath shallow in her lungs as she linked her fingers around his neck. "'Relax'…might be the wrong word," she corrected with a small grin.
Jesse laughed softly. Rachel could still feel the lingering smirk against her lips when his mouth met hers.
~o~
AN: So, let me know what you think? Thanks for reading.
