Chapter Four: Tying Stuff to Trees
Alternate Title: There Are Actually No Snakes in This Chapter
Another Alternate Title: Attack of the Fangirls
"Um... senpai, why are you stalking a civilian girl?"
Kakashi looked up and sent a scathing glare in the younger man's direction.
"I am not stalking her." He paused. "And technically, she isn't a civilian. She attends the Academy, you know."
"Academy students are still civilians, senpai. They're only considered shinobi after they become genin."
Kakashi coughed. "Details." He waved his hand dismissively.
Tenzo tapped his chin thoughtfully. Normally, he wouldn't dare tease Kakashi-senpai, but Tenzo was a bit irritated at the moment. The Yondaime had forced him to regrow the half of the forest because somebody had blown it up using an unknown jutsu. "This doesn't have anything to do with Itachi-taicho, does it?" The mokuton-user's eyes widened in mock horror. "You aren't cheating on—"
A blast of unadulterated killing intent slammed into Tenzo, making him whimper. He tried to cover the unmanly sound with a cough, but he only succeeded in imitating a dying cat.
"What did you say?" asked Kakashi in a sickly-sweet whisper.
"Nothing!" Tenzo whimpered again.
"Good." Kakashi returned to his... observations of a certain pink-haired girl.
"A-anyway, why are you here, Kakashi-se-sama?"
"Shut up, Tenzo. Your speaking privileges have been revoked."
Tenzo immediately closed his mouth, deciding not to risk it any further. He liked his life, thank-you-very-much.
Kakashi frowned as he mentally compared the two shades of pink for the thirty-second time. No matter how many times he did it, Kakashi always reached the same conclusion. Danzo and Sakura had the exact same hair color. And that was very bad.
He'd have to... procure a DNA sample from the girl. And do it in a non-creepy way. The first part was easy enough, but the second was more difficult. He couldn't very well sneak into her bedroom and steal her hairbrush without being called a pervert, could he? He grimaced. Even the phrase "procuring a DNA sample" sounded perverted and extremely creepy.
Shivering, Kakashi wondered about the implications. A Sakura with Danzo DNA would probably have major self-esteem issues, a tendency towards extreme anger, and an obsession with the Uchiha...
Huh. That didn't sound too different, actually.
Kakashi made a mental note to look up original-Sakura's parents. His dimension's Sakura might have some extra (really fucking scary) dead relatives.
On a slightly more positive note, Kakashi may have finally discovered where the girl's preoccupation with Sasuke had come from. Of course, that suddenly made Sakura's fanglirling much more sinister...
Kakashi stood up suddenly and stretched, startling an extremely tense Tenzo.
"S-senpai-sama, where are you going?"
"Senpai-sama," mused Kakashi. "I like that." He gave a grin that made the younger man quail. "Don't worry. I'm just going to talk to Naruto." The Copy Nin disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Tenzo stared. "The Hokage definitely needs to know about this."
"I hate fangirls," grumbled Sasuke. The Uchiha and his friend were sitting under a tree in the Academy grounds, wallowing in their misery.
"Me too!" Naruto gave a dramatic moan. "They always stalk me cause I'm the Hokage's son! It's so annoying. When I become Hokage, I'm gonna ban fangirls. Believe it!"
Sasuke gave him an unimpressed look. "Why don't you just ask your father to ban them now?"
"Cause that would be cheating. Duh." Naruto brightened. "They do get me lots of ramen though. That's nice of them. Right?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, they do give me tomatoes sometimes," he muttered. "But then they try to tear my clothes off, so it doesn't count."
A gigantic burst of smoke caused both kids to shriek.
"Oh?" crooned Kakashi, smiling. "Are the icky little kiddies having trouble with fangirls?" Naruto has fangirls. Again, this dimension is fucking weird. Actually... does Hinata count as a fangirl? She never actually had a conversation with Naruto before her confession, now that I think about it.
"What do you want?" Sasuke glared at the silver-haired man, almost growling in irritation.
"Kashi-nii! What're you doing here?"
"I'm here to help!"
Naruto peered suspiciously. "Help with what?"
"With your fangirl problem, of course. If you do me a tiny favor, I'll teach you a technique to get rid of them."
"How would you know how to get rid of fangirls?" Sasuke sneered.
"When I was in the Academy, I had my fair share of them. I picked up a few tricks, and I guarantee their effectiveness." Kakashi smiled innocently.
"Well, what's the favor, nii-san?" asked Naruto, looking hopeful.
"I need you to obtain a hair sample from a girl named Haruno Sakura. Think you can manage that?"
Sasuke and Naruto blinked.
"Sakura-chan?" The blonde tilted his head. "I know her. But..." He glanced hesitantly at Sasuke.
"She's my worst fangirl," whispered a pale Sasuke. "She stalks me. She stares at me. And... she compliments my eyes. Every. Single. Day. Sasuke-kun, your eyes are so pretty! Can I have them? I want my kids to have your eyes. Please, Sasuke-kun?"
The Uchiha curled into a ball, looking rather terrified. "They're my eyes. They're mine."
"Shh..." comforted Naruto. "You're fine. Sakura's not here right now. You're safe."
Holy shit, thought Kakashi. Sasuke's been traumatized by Sakuranzo.
"Well," Kakashi coughed, awkwardly cutting in, "since Sakura's your fangirl, it should be pretty easy to get that hair."
Sasuke slowly looked up. "Will your technique keep her away from me forever?"
A strange gleam came into Kakashi's eye. "Of course."
"Then I'll do it," he said fiercely. "Anything to keep her away. Anything."
With horror, Kakashi realized that in this universe, Itachi—Sasuke's driving force and motivation—had been replaced by Sakura. He shook the disturbing thought away.
"Anyway, this is what I need you to do..."
Sasuke and Naruto observed their target from a safe distance.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Naruto, whispering. "I can take your place."
Sasuke shook his head. "No. I have the best chance of completing this mission. We have to learn that technique."
"Um... if you say so. Good luck, Sasuke." He thumped his friend on the back. Sasuke took a deep, steadying breath, and walked into the enemy's camp.
"Sasuke-kun!"
"Oh my gosh, it's Sasuke!"
"Thank you so much! Oh, Sasuke-kun!"
"Silence."
The fangirls' chatter abruptly stopped when their Supreme Leader stepped out. The pink-haired menace snapped her fingers, and all the girls fell into a triangular formation.
"Hello, Sasuke-kun." Haruno Sakura smiled sweetly at her future conquest. "How good to see you." She turned to her fangirls and abruptly barked, "Bento!"
With perfect coordination, the girls all whipped out a bento-box, kneeling as they offered it to their forever love.
Slightly pale, Sasuke responded. "Hello, Haruno-san."
The head girl giggled. "Aw, you can just call me Sakura-chan!" She flipped her hair coyly. "Did you need something, Sasuke-kun? Would you like a bento?"
He took another deep breath. "Actually, I have a request. Could I have..." Sasuke tried to think of a better way to format his question, but failed. "Could I have a few pieces of your hair?"
Sakura's eyes widened. "Of course! You can have all of it, if you want." She grabbed a kunai, prepared to chop her hair off.
"No!" he yelped, staring at her with ill-disguised fear. "Just a two or three strands will do."
Without any hesitation, Sakura plucked four strands of her hair and handed it to Sasuke. "Is the exchanging of hair an Uchiha mating ritual?" she breathed, sending twitters of excitement through the crowd.
Sasuke almost hyperventilated as the fangirls came closer.
"Circle formation!" shouted Sakura. Like a well-oiled machine, the fangirls surrounded Sasuke. The Uchiha closed his eyes as he felt death loom closer.
"Sasuke!" An army of clone Narutos charged the opposing girls. "I'll save you!"
"Pincer-attack, now! Blonde enemy at three o'clock!" The fangirl regiment collided with the clones, and a vicious battle over Sasuke's body began.
"Sasuke," muttered a voice behind the captive. The dark-haired boy turned around to see his best friend crouched behind him. "Run!"
"After him!" shrieked Sakura, pointing at the fugitives.
The two boys fled, barely managing to avoid the battalion chasing after them. Once they had escaped, Naruto and Sasuke collapsed behind a tree, panting. Naruto closed his eyes and shuddered.
"Damn, Sasuke. Your fangirls are scary. At least my fangirls just blush, stammer, and get me food." Naruto shook his head slowly. "Yours have an army."
Sasuke grunted.
Naruto stood abruptly. "So, did you get the hair?"
The other boy glared. "Of course I did!" He held up the samples. "I almost died getting them. This technique better be worth it."
"Don't worry, it's worth it." Kakashi patted the boys on their heads, startling them and somehow managing to grab the pink strands at the same time. "Thanks, boys."
"No problem, nii-chan!" chirped Naruto, beaming at the best older brother ever, even if he always did the hair-ruffling thing. Sasuke scowled with barely hidden rage, still upset over the older man's pursuit of Itachi-nee.
"What's the technique?" growled Sasuke, patience thinning. He was only tolerating Kakashi because of Naruto and the supposed fangirl-deterrent the jonin had promised to teach.
"It's simple." A dangerous gleam appeared in Kakashi's eye. "It's name is... kill it with fire."
After teaching the kids the new technique, Kakashi made a suitably dramatic exit. Sasuke relaxed slightly, now that the evil sister-poacher had disappeared. Naruto, on the other hand, looked pensive.
"Sasuke?" asked Naruto, frowning.
"Yes?"
"Why do you think Kakashi-nii needed the hair?"
The two stared at each other. "I... don't know." Sasuke looked a bit disturbed. "We never really asked."
Naruto frowned. "Well, Kakashi-nii is a pervert, but I don't think he likes Sakura. He likes your sister, right?"
"What!?" Sasuke blinked. "Wait, you know about that?"
The blonde rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid. Everyone's been talking about it. Of course I know." He grinned brightly. "Isn't it great? If Kakashi-nii and your sister get married, then we'll actually be brothers!"
"It's not great!" shrieked Sasuke. He regained control of his emotions and continued. "Besides, he's not really your brother."
Naruto looked affronted. "Of course he is! Dad adopted nii-san ages ago."
"Whatever." Sasuke abruptly changed the subject, unwilling to think about his sister in a relationship. "I'm going to try the new technique on those fangirls." He walked away, ignoring Naruto. No one could date his sister. No one.
"Come on, Sasuke! Don't start pouting and brooding!"
"I do not pout or brood!"
"Yeah, you do. You're–"
"Quiet!" hissed Sasuke, pulling Naruto asside. "It's her." Naruto said nothing, eyes widening as he noticed the pink-haired girl.
Sasuke exchanged a look with his friend before stepping out from behind the tree. Naruto remained in hiding, prepared to back up his Sasuke if needed.
"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura smiled sweetly. Sasuke simply stepped forward, as grim as a soldier heading to war. "How are–"
"Katon: Great Fireball Technique!"
Sakura yelped and ducked, barely avoiding the flames. She looked up at her crush, eyes sparkling. "Does the use of fire techniques complete the Uchiha courtship ritual?"
The Uchiha responded by sending a few more fireballs at the girl, intent on burning the menace once and for all. Somehow, Sakura avoided all of them and giggled. "Sasuke-kun, you're so enthusiastic! How sweet of you to set the Academy on fire for me!"
Sasuke stopped as he realized that the flames had struck the school. Huh. You'd think that the ninja training school would be fireproof.
Naruto summed up the situation succinctly, coming out from his hiding place to gawk at the spreading fire. "Crap."
Minato smiled at Kakashi. The Hokage's smile wasn't the friendly, cheerful one that he was known for. It wasn't the one that said hi there, let's be friends and save the world! It wasn't even the one that said you have disappointed me, but I am smiling to cover up my sadness.
It was the one that said I am going to fucking kill you, grind you to pieces, feed you to my frogs, and dance on your desecrated bones. And I will enjoy it.
"Kakashi," said Minato, voice oh-so-pleasant. "Why is my Academy burned down?"
"I can explain?" The slouching man edged away from his former-sensei.
"It better be a good explanation." Minato's smile grew wider. "So please do explain why you told my son and his best friend why it was alright to set fangirls on fire?"
"It's... effective?"
"Konoha no longer has an Academy anymore, thanks to you!"
"Um, it was time for a renovation anyway."
"Hatake Kakashi—"
Kakashi jumped out the window, breaking the glass. Nope! Nope-nope-nope. He would not, could not deal with a furious sensei and still expect to stay alive.
He flickered to a nearby tree and tied his hitai-ate on a branch. His headgear probably had a hirashin seal on it, and Kakashi really didn't want Minato to teleport behind him and rasengan his head off. Not waiting a moment longer, Kakashi fled the scene.
"Kakashi?"
"Ah, yes?"
"Why are you in my house?"
Kakashi gave a weak eye-smile. "I needed to ask you something."
Tsunade sighed. "Does this have anything to do with the Academy fire?"
"No." Kakashi reached into his vest and pulled out several hairs. "Could you do a DNA analysis on these?'
The sannin examined the follicles. "Whose hair is this?"
"The shorter hairs belong to Danzo, while the longer ones belong to Sakuranz—er, Haruno Sakura, an Academy student."
Tsunade's eyes widened in horror as she put two-and-two together. "You think Danzo has children?" She almost dropped the samples on the floor.
Kakashi hummed noncommittally. "Relatives, at least." He glanced at the hair in her hand. "Be careful with those. Do you know how difficult it was to get Sakura's hair?"
"I'm more concerned with how you obtained Danzo's hair," commented the medic dryly.
"Not telling!" he replied in a sing-song voice. Kakashi heard a far-off explosion and winced. That sounded liked his former teacher. Crap, he was running out of time. "Please, Tsunade-sama?"
Tsunade sighed heavily. "Fine, brat. I'll do it, but only because I'm as curious as you are. Now get out of my house before Minato finds you. He is after you, right?"
"Uh... thank you, Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi escaped through the window again, landing silently in the alleyway. Mission accomplished. All he had to do now was avoid dying by Minato's hand. He could do it... probably.
After several hours of hide-and-seek-and-kill, Kakashi ended up in front of the Hokage, tied to the chair.
"Sensei, setting the entire ANBU after me isn't fair," accused Kakashi, miffed.
"Hunting rogue ninja does fall under the ANBU's jurisdiction." Minato leaned back, lounging almost nonchalantly.
"I am not a rogue ninja." The Copy Nin viewed his sensei with apprehension. Why wasn't he angry? Shit. It looked like Minato had crossed over from I-will-kill-you to I-have-something-worse-than-death-for-you.
"Perhaps." The Hokage tossed a scroll at him. "I suppose it's partially my fault for keeping you cooped up for so long. Tsunade has cleared you for active duty, so I've decided to assign you a mission."
Kakashi carefully opened the scroll, half-expecting a barrage of shuriken to fly out. After nothing happened, he quickly scanned the words and frowned.
"This... this is a B-rank. An ordinary one." The mission was to eliminate bandits near the Fire Country border. Apparently, the group had been terrorizing citizens and kidnapping childre. The mission was nothing unusual or new. And that's what scared him.
"Of course it's a B-rank. You're recovering from a mysterious poison and chakra exhaustion. Did you really think I'd assign you something higher?" Minato then mumbled something that sounded a lot like "though knowing you, it'll probably turn into an S-ranked or worse."
Actually, Kakashi had expected a terrifying, mind-scarring mission in retaliation for burning the Academy. He reread the scroll, trying to find the hidden danger.
"Is there anything else I need to know?"
"Nothing else. It's a perfectly normal mission." Minato grinned. "I'll see you in a few days."
"If you say so, Hokage-sama." Kakashi hid a frown. Just what was Minato planning? After bowing professionally, Kakashi vanished.
Minato's grin grew wider once his former student left. The mission actually was normal. But now that Kakashi was away from the village for a while... he could get his real revenge.
Chuckling, Minato began to write a very important letter. Oh, this would be fun.
Kakashi scouted the area with detached efficiency. These bandits weren't very good. He followed the trail they left and soon found their base. From there, it was smooth sailing. A stab here, a stab there, and voila! Bandit-shish-kebab. He chuckled to himself. Hah. Funny. Shish-kebab. See? He did have a sense of humor.
He smiled at the eleven kids trapped in the cell... wait, eleven kids? His information said thirteen kids had been missing from the nearby villages. Did the other two—Kakashi's eyes widened with realization. Oh. They were near the Land of Sound, and Orochimaru was still around. His grin grew wider. Kakashi had finished the mission in just a day, two days ahead of schedule. Maybe he could do some... reconnaissance after he returned the children.
After his mission was completed, Kakashi headed towards the border. If he remembered correctly, Orochimaru had his lab, er, somewhere around there. Damn this alternate dimension and its stupid alternate locations. Always making him do it the hard way...
Biting his thumb, Kakashi completed the summoning.
"Pakkun, Bull," he said, eye crinkling. The pug simply glared from his position on top of the bulldog.
"Boss, where have you been?"
"Uh..." Oh, nothing. I just broke into Danzo's place, stole some stuff, activated the Mangekyo Sharingan... fuck, this list is too long. I'm not going to summarize the past week's events in my head. "I've just been busy. You know how it is."
"No, I don't. I'm not you." Pakkun sighed. "So, what do you want?"
"Do you remember Orochimaru's scent?"
"The snake-creep is kind of hard to forget." Despite the casual words, both Pakkun and Bull tensed.
"I need you to track him down."
Pakkun and Bull stared at him in silence. "Ok, Boss has finally cracked. It's about time, really."
"I'm not crazy. I just need you to find him so I can beat him up a little." Kakashi paused. "Well, that does sound a bit crazy. But I'm not."
"You're not doing a good job of convincing me," grumbled Pakkun. "Boss, did you forget about what happened the last time we fought against him? He's out of your league!"
Kakashi mentally scrolled through all his interactions (attempted murders) with the snake sannin, trying to remember the meeting Pakkun was referring to. Oh, right! It was when Orochimaru had first betrayed the village. Kakashi, being the arrogant teenager he was, had attempted to arrest him. Of course, Kakashi had failed miserably. The creep had frozen him with just killing intent before gallivanting into the sunset to kidnap children.
"Don't worry," he said cheerfully. "I'm much stronger now."
Pakkun sighed again. "It's your funeral, boss. No, I mean it's literally your funeral. I'll find him for you, but you better not die."
"I won't. Trust me." I've had enough dying for a long, long time. Seriously, being resurrected once is enough for me. But Orochimaru, on the other hand... yes, he deserves to die. Painfully. Multiple times.
With a bark, Pakkun and Bull raced across the grass. Kakashi followed right behind them, a savage grin on his face. It was time for the snake freak to pay for his crimes, past and future. No one messed with his cute students and got away with it. Oh, this would be fun.
AN: So... I lied. I planned for snakes and hopefully bad-ass scenes to appear in this chapter, but I got ahead of myself. Take the puppies and fangirls as my apology! Dammit, my chapter previews aren't very accurate.
As always, thank you for the reviews! All of you are awesome. I reached thirty reviews, which means I have a review/chapter ratio of 10 to 1! I love you all so much! (I like numbers a lot. Multiplying and dividing is fun. Prime factorization is more fun. I really like multiples of three and five... those are pretty numbers.)
Everyone who reviews is my friend forever. Even flamers. I love flames. They make me happy and entertained. Constructive criticism and kind words are better, but flames are pretty awesome too. I actually haven't gotten a flame on this story... strange.
Sorry about the rambling! Anyway, much thanks to FluffyDragonsLiveInMyHouse, SugoiAuthorToBe, Darkbeast42, Tatty and Dragon, SadisticAvocado, notBald, miemae04, AenaBuCas (I will get you your extra, don't worry!), FlightfootKeyseeker (About Sakumo... it's a surprise), and MysteryRiddle for reviewing!
Also, thanks to Jen, Love it, and Guest for your anonymous reviews! I love you too!
The next chapter should actually contain snakes, bad-assery, and an devious Minato. Criticism, comments, and concerns are welcome and encouraged. Thanks again!
