Author's Note: Boy, it's been long. I'm sorry I didn't update this earlier, but I had a thousand things going on in my mind and I didn't find the time to write. The good thing is that I've written a lot for the upcoming chapters so there should be less waiting. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter as well, and please review.
(Tiny disclaimer: I stole the last sentence from Chapter Fifteen of PoA… but since I kind of stole the characters and half of the plot as well, I guess it's not much of a problem ;) ) Enjoy!
Choices and Abilities (Part IV)
The Slytherin common room was not crowed at this time of the day — it was dawn, and most people were still asleep. Avery, Mulciber, Snape, Lestrange and Rosier were talking, nearly whispering.
"My dad says I should join as soon as I leave Hogwarts," Mulciber said, eyes shining with pleasure at the idea of leaving school. "He says that it's the future. The Dark Lord is going to rule the world, and we'd all better be by his side when he does."
Snape was looking absent-mindedly at the ceiling, half-listening, half-thinking.
"I've heard they give you some sort of tattoo…" began Avery.
"Yeah. The Dark Mark," said Rosier, feeling his forearm.
"Right, the Dark Mark. Well, that's just cool." He paused, then added, "I'm so eager to join!" He said that so loud that Mulciber cried, "Shhhh!" and put a finger on his lips.
"So what about you, Severus? Will you join?"
"Of course I will."
"Great then. Although…" Severus waited, but nothing came. Obviously, Lestrange did not know how to put what he wanted to say. "I don't think you should continue to see that Mudblood girl."
Before Severus could answer, Mulciber added:
"Yeah, what's the deal with her anyway? I mean, she's not only a Mudblood… she's also a Gryffindor! She is not worthy of talking to you. Why do you let her?"
"Lily is a… childhood friend," said Snape carefully. He was venturing into rather dangerous waters.
"Yeah, go and say that to the Dark Lord, we'll see what he thinks of your Mudblood childhood friend!" and the four Death-Eaters-to-be roared with laughter. Severus had never noticed how stupid they all looked; but he said nothing, his eyes still riveted on the ceiling.
"Well, if you care so much about that Lily girl," said Avery, "you can't be a Death Eater. You've got to choose your way."
"And why is that?" he said calmly, turning his eyes away from the ceiling.
They all exchanged glances whose meaning could not be mistaken.
"Oh, come on… isn't it obvious?"
He kept silent. He knew exactly what was coming but he was not in the mood to argue.
Avery sighted.
"She's a Mudblood. Death Eaters fight Mudbloods." His tone was very slow, as if he explained to a little child that the earth was round.
Severus did not know what to answer, simply because he knew they were right. Stupid, but right. If he wanted to become what he had always wished he'd become — that is to say, a brave man, who could handle Dark Magic as well as power, a man who would get to take control over people like his father, Muggles, and do to them what he had done to him — he would have to part with Lily.
But without Lily, how could he have the strength to do what he would be asked to?
As summer approached, there was bright and clear sunlight every day and the grounds of Hogwarts were greener than ever; even the Giant squid sometimes got his paws out of the water. The mood of the fifth years, however, was a bit darkened by the upcoming OWLs.
One of those sunny days, though, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher told her students a news that brightened them and filled them all with excitement.
Gryffindors and Slytherins did not only share the Potion class, but also the Defense Against Dark Arts class, and it was a great pleasure for Severus to notice that, though Potter was obviously gifted with this subject, he was not better; both of them were top of the class, and there was definite rivalry — but a profitable one, Severus thought, because it pushed the two of them to excel themselves each time.
"So, what I am going to ask you today is a bit unusual," said the teacher, a little woman with bright blue eyes and white hair. "I know we're not really supposed to teach you these kinds of spells in fifth year, but seeing as the level of the class is quite high up, I asked Professor Dumbledore and he gave his approval. And trust me, if you can do this, you can pass any examination at ease."
None of the students dared to draw breath now; they were all waiting to know what would make them so good.
"Now I must warn you that our job today is not easy. It is actually extremely hard and I do not expect any of you to succeed, so don't be disappointed if you don't. We'll go down to the grounds," she went on, "and I'll teach you to cast a Patronus Charm."
There was a silence, immediately followed by several "Ooooooh"s and "aaaaaah"s; one student pinched himself to check that he was not asleep; James and Sirius hugged, extremely happy; Lily's bright green eyes shone with amazement.
"We'll be working on a Boggart, which I locked in this little box. Please follow me."
They all went down the spiral staircase, their voices echoing against the walls, everyone sharing considerations about Patronuses: "I wonder what mine's going to look like!", "I hope I'm not a spider!", "My sister told me you have to remember something very happy… Do you think if I remember the precise moment she told us we were going to learn how to cast those stuffs, it's going to work?" …
After one and a half hour of hard, hard work and concentration, none of the students had managed to cast a single Patronus Charm. The excitement they had all been feeling at first had turned into bitter disappointment. They all felt powerless and were condemned to face the truth: it was not easy at all to cast a Patronus.
"Focus, Potter, focus!" shrieked the little witch, who had placed many hopes in James. "Let's try again, come on… something really, really happy…"
Then, out of nowhere, it happenened; James frowned, cried Spero Patronum with all his heart, and a silver shape burst out of his wand. Severus watched and did not move, but he felt suddenly very cold, though the sun was still up in the sky.
"It's a stag! A stag! It's a stag!" cried James, with the same tone as if he had just had a baby and cried "It's a boy!"
"It's beautiful…" All the girls, even the Slytherins, came to the stag, some even dared to stroke it.
"And that will be thirty points for Gryffindor, Mr Potter. Congratulations," said the teacher, and her blue eyes were teary. "Now, you all saw what Potter just did. If he can do it, you can do it, so… back to work, people."
Maybe it was the fact that they saw it was possible, or maybe it was the atmosphere of success that filled the air, or maybe it was just that all the students were once again motivated, but, unlike at the beginning of the class, had now acquired all the basis necessary to succeed, but in the next ten minutes, every one had produced something that looked like a Patronus — sometimes only a white, indistinct shape, but powerful enough to push the Dementor, who was really a Boggart, away — every one, but Snape.
He had tried, harder and harder each time, but the contagious cheerfulness did not affect him, and as the class went by, he grew gloomier and gloomier. If Potter can do it, I can do it, he thought, and he tried to think of something very happy, but he couldn't find anything.
"Sev! Sev! Come here! Come and see what I can do!"
He approached Lily, forcing himself to smile.
"I didn't see what it was — it just vanished — wait, I'll try again — so, er… okay, I'll try this … Spero Patronum!" From the tip of her wand burst a silver shape, gleaming in the sunlight.
"A doe," said Severus. "It's a doe. And it's beautiful." He stroke the Patronus on the back.
The silver doe made circles around Lily, who was giggling.
"She's so cute! Look at her — oh, Sev, I'm so happy!"
Was it on purpose, or not, that James Potter chose that precise moment to reiterate his feat, Severus did not know. But he knew what was going to happen the moment he heard him shout the spell: he was not an idiot. A doe, a stag. A stag, a doe.
James's Patronus jumped towards Lily's; they looked at each other, and then, quite calmly, their heads came together, and after a long moment, they both walked together in the direction of the Forest, and then vanished.
Severus turned to Lily, and her cheeks had turned so red that, with her ginger hair, she seemed to have caught fire.
"WOW!" shouted James, speechless.
"That's… embarrassing," Lily said, and all eyes were turned either on her, or on James, along with giggles.
"So, tell me, how are you going to name your first baby?" asked Remus to break the silence, and James, Sirius and Peter laughed.
"Prongs sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?" replied James, and at this moment, the four of them exchanged a look that they were alone to understand. "Doesn't it, Lily?" he said, addressing directly to her.
"Keep your mouth shut, Potter," croaked Severus, trying to sound as much confident as he could.
"Oooh, but that reminds me, we haven't seen what Snivellus's Patronus looks like… A spider maybe? Or a bat? Or a filthy little centipede, I'm sure… Or maybe you can't do them! Do you have a problem with Patronuses, Snivello? Are they so good-looking that you can't do them? I know you have a problem with beauty, but that much, I had no idea," he said, sounding falsely sympathetic.
People laughed.
"Give him a break, for heaven's sake!" shouted Lily, angrily. As the students focused their attention on their own work again, she shook her head and helped him. "Come on, Severus, try. Something happy! Something that fills you with joy. Something that brightens you."
He held his wand, ready to try again, and she added: "Come on, I know you're a hell lot better than Potter at this, he just brags. I know you can make it, I have total faith in you." By saying that, she thought it would give him confidence, make him stronger.
He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, then —
"No. I can't."
He shook his head and sat down, far from the others.
"But — but you didn't even try! Try, try, I want to see yours!"
But he could not bear to fail in front of her. If he had tried, before, it would not have mattered; but after what she had told him, he felt awful thinking that he could let her down, that she could think for a moment that Potter was maybe better, after all… that he was weak… and he knew that he would have failed, precisely because he felt awful.
Five minutes later, the little witch said:
"Well, that was excellent. I'm very proud of you, all of you, you have improved a lot! And I know Professor Dumbledore will be thrilled to know that his students are able to defend themselves that good. You can go now."
Severus headed to the dungeons and Lily took the staircase, to where her common room was.
Behind her, though she didn't know, were the four Marauders, speaking a bit low:
"So yours was a wolf, uh, Moony? Didn't see that one coming…" Sirius said, and they all laughed.
"Excuse me for a moment," James said, "I've got something to do."
He came to Lily, and made her jump as he whispered to her ear, slowly:
"You know what I thought about?"
Though she would not admit it, she was still a bit stricken by the whole Patronus incident, and did not feel like being rude to him.
"What you thought about when...?"
"When I cast the first Patronus. I hesitated but, you know, I thought, if this one doesn't work, nothing will."
"Hmm, let me think… The day you received your letter from Hogwarts?
He shook his head, smiling. "Nope."
"Er — I know! This one time you won the Quidditch Cup!"
To her surprise, he said, "Netiher."
"The first time you got on a broomstick? Your holiday in France with your best friends? I don't know…"
There was a silence, then he whispered, in a breath:
"The night I met you."
When she went back to her dormitory, quite overwhelmed, but in a very good mood, there was a nasty surprise awaiting her. She had received, this morning, a letter from home that she had not yet opened, and when she did, tears filled her eyes.
Hello, you little freak!
I hope things are going awfully bad in your little freak school. Dad and Mum forced me to write you… oh, they don't have to… I would never lose one occasion to tell you how much I loathe you, you and your stupid little friend, how much I despise your arrogance and greed —
The letter continued but she could not bear to read more. She ran down the stairs, reached the common room, got out by the portrait hole, and ran, ran through the corridors, not knowing what to do or where to go … then she bumped into someone. It was Severus, on his way back from the library.
"Lily, what are you — are you crying?"
Tears were cascading down her cheeks and her face had turned red again. Her eyes, even swollen, were still beautiful.
"What's happened?"
"It's… my sister, she… she doesn't understand…" Her voice was shaking. Severus grabed her hand and they both walked, until they reached a deserted classroom.
"Come here," he said, then they sat down and he hugged her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. "She did it again?"
She nodded. They kept silent for several minutes, and then she said:
"None of my friends get me as you do. I'm so lucky I have you, Sev."
Severus didn't answer. He could hardly breathe; he was afraid that she would notice the unusual racing of his heartbeat, and was desperately trying to slow it down but each attempt seemed to lead to the opposite effect. All he could feel was the touch of her skin pressed against his chest and the soft, warm sensation of her red hair under his fingers; yet there was another feeling that seemed to have taken possession of him. It was like hot butter flooding into his veins, filling him with warmth and serenity on the inside, making every thought that ran into his head lovely, as if all the bitterness he had piled up for all these years was finally gone. It was hard to explain, but he felt incredibly well. Was it happiness? He did not know. What he knew is that, when he turned his head to kiss her, it seemed natural, as if he had done this for years. His lips brushed against hers.
At first she looked stunned, as if somebody had Stupefied her. She did not understand what was happening, really; so she let herself be, not responding back, but not pushing him away either; Severus closed his eyes and kissed her with more ardour; and for a moment, he wished a thousand Dementors would enter the room right now, because he was certain he would have produced the best Patronus in the world.
